Ex going on vacation, should I text? [UPDATE: She invited me out to a concert...]

[Humantk]

Ok so the first love of my life left me about 6 weeks ago, the first 2 weeks of the breakup we still kept contact. We were together for 5 years Im 26, she's 25. I was a virgin and she had been with 1 guy 2 or 3 times a year and a half before we met in 2011. So it was pretty much our first real emotional, physical relationship. So she told me she was leaving me August 9th. She could see it destroyed my planet, I had been working 2 jobs the last 3 months and it had effected our relationship. I was more moody, we saw each other less (we already lived 30 miles away from each other) I really wanted to make more money so we could live together, so the end of july I was offered a job that paid me double what I was making and took it. At this time I was also getting kicked out of home (My dads girlfriend was moving in, while I was going to live and take care of her house paying no rent just utilities.) I told my girlfriend I would like her to live with me, she hated the neighborhood of the house. I told her we could live anywhere but she was dragging her feet. So a few days before I was set to move in to the new house (Aug 13th) I said the time was getting close and If she didn't want to live with me at all or talk about then what were we doing in the relationship? She admitted that she didn't want to live with me and (with more experience I probably would have seen this coming) broke up with me. It wasn't abrupt and she kind of helped ease me into it up till August 27th when we finally told our families and I went into NC. It wasn't real NC though as I stalked her on FB, there wasn't much on there, she rarely goes on but any little morsel I gobbled up. Still I went skydiving, played some open mic, just tried to get out there. But the whole time I was doing that I fully fooled myself into thinking she would come back I just needed to give her space.

 

So 3 weeks went by with no word from her, no real contact. I only would look at her snaps right before they were set to expire so she wouldn't see that I saw them. I broke down and texted her, just a throw away text about how I didn't know Billy Joel played Tell Her About It (She loved Billy, I took her to DC to see him Summer 2014 great memories and i had no idea he played We Didn't Start The Fire) she replied nice, but like a friend. Her reply was about how I also didn't know he played We Didn't Start the Fire. I also then followed up with Friendlys reopening in multiple spots here on Long Island. She was happy about that. But then I stopped texting her for the day bc I had a meeting with my job.

 

Now an important thing to know about us. I met her at my cousins engagement party to her sister. Fell in love the instant I saw her. A month later my best friend fell in love with her 3rd sister. So her and all her siblings (the family is the mom, dad and 3 daughters) were dating my best friend, my closest cousin, and me. Amanda (my ex) was the youngest of the 3. Now another kicker, all 3 of us men work in the same industry, at the same employer. Its a seafood shop and even though we all run different stores, we all are in the same small company (it only has 3 stores, we run all 3 individually for the owner) So things are very close and I felt almost storybook.

 

So we have that meeting for my job and my best friend (whose currently closing on a house to move in with Amandas sister) tells me that the past 3 weeks Amanda has been going out, went to Atlantic City with friends, and that her sisters say she really looks fine. That crushed me. So the next day I asked her out for coffee, because I never thought I would lose her for real and now Im freaking out. I ask her on a Friday to go get coffee on a monday (this past monday) she says ok. Now since we know were going to see each other I look at her snaps she looks at mine. Nothing more in terms of contact for the weekend. But she usually would post maybe 1/2 snaps a weekend. That one there was at least 9. I took it as a sign she wanted to show me all the stuff she had been doing. Going to lakes, bars, out to eat with friends...ect.

 

So we meet for coffee, I had been hitting the gym and lost 15 pounds. Went out got a haircut, new clothes, new cologne. I really give it all for the little things. We meet and its so nice to see her, I'm 6 foot 5 and she's 5 foot 11 and I love how tall she is, and her heartwarming smile is like giving me the dose I had really been needing. I just really love her. We small talk for a bit, but then we get into what were really there for. I tell her I feel like it can out of nowhere and that she never told me she was thinking of leaving. She said she thought she gave me 100 little notifications that she was unhappy. I asked her just to give us one more shot, but she says she's happier then she's been in a long time. No longer stressed out about life and really enjoying herself. She said she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. She hasn't been dating (she heard from her sister i got hit on at a bar but didn't open myself up for more which is true) I told her I hadn't either. But that she wants to be selfish and just worry about herself for a while. I tell her I still have a lot of love for her but that I will respect her wishes. I also tell her that I've blocked her on FB and taken her off all other social media (true). We end with me giving her sinatra dancing tickets for Dec 3rd that I had got her (that kind of got her a little upset, she said "This is something wanted you to do for me 2 years ago!" I had wanted to take her the last 2 years but life got in the way. They do it every December, I told her she could take whoever she wanted) and we hug and kiss almost passionately but on the cheek.. she says she'll see me in late November for her nephew who is also my godsons 2nd birthday (her sister and my cousin got married and had a baby) I tell her I'll see her then and that was it.

 

Now everything in my brain is telling me its over

 

My heart bleeds to not let it be over

 

I am going to go back on doing things for myself. But I still wake up every morning feeling like Ive lost a whole family. I couldn't even go to the house closing get together my best friend had with his family yesterday bc Amanda was there.

 

I would love to wait for her. But thats not healthy.

 

Just looking for strength and advice especially with everything being so close for us. I still love her with all my heart and I still break down crying at least once a day. Thanks for letting me put this out there. Im really, really having a tough time here. I just want her to tell me she loves me and is coming back home to me. My whole next 50 years just got tossed up in the air and I don't know where the pieces will land..

 

Thanks.

[Humantk]

So I dated the love of my life for almost 5 years, she broke things off with me on August 9th saying she wanted to work on herself. She let me go slowly so I could cope but by the end of August we went NC. That lasted 3 weeks, then I asked her for coffee this past monday. When we met she told me she was no longer in love with me and very happy outside of our relationship. I was crushed all over again. I went full NC after that by also taking her off all social media. I feel like the relationship is pretty much over out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure her unhappiness stemmed from where she was in life and not our relationship. She was working a desk job she got from a temp agency. But she has a masters degree in psychology. I wanted her to move in with me but she still lives at home (that conversations what led her to leave me) and I don't think she is where she thought she would be in life. But its like she started taking it all out on me even though I encouraged her ALWAYS that she was better then the job she worked. And how I thought she could pretty much do anything she set her mind to. And that we could move anywhere, I had a good job but I was sure that I could find work anywhere. Either way she was unhappy and now that she's not in a relationship she is feeling much better. I really thought I was healthy and good for her, but she feels better now. I want to be really happy for her, but Im so heartbroken.

 

Heres where my coping problems are BOUND to pop up. Both her sisters are involved with guys that Im close with, one is my best friend the other is my cousin. In late november my cousins son is having a big 2nd birthday party at her parents house where she still lives. My whole extended family will be there, but so will my EX. When I left her after coffee Monday the last thing she said was "See you at Finns birthday party" I feel like she's moved on already, but by then who knows if she'll be dating someone new, or be really lonely without me. I've been working on myself, going to the gym and I've healthily lost 15 pounds since we split. I plan to be in the best shape of my life come that birthday party. I have not given up the thought of us yet because I know how many great times we had just this year, and I feel like since she turned 25 (in june) and felt like she wasn't where she wanted to be things started to change. There was no drinking, drug use, infidelity, lies... we were an honest, happy couple. Should I hold out hope because I know we're bound to see each other 4 to 5 times a year? I don't feel like dating, but Im not sure if its because Im holding onto a ghost. I just don't see anyone that makes me feel like she does. Or should I not even go to the birthday party even though my Father, Brother, Nephew, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins...ect will be there? I want to show her how good I'll look and try my best to be cool and just see if theres a spark. But if there is none, or if she's totally moved on to another guys, I don't know what I'll do. And I'm afraid it might shatter any progress I might have made up till then. I know it'll feel like Monday night all over again. Sigh. Advice would be appreciated.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Humantk

[friendsforlife32]

You sound like such a nice person. You have been supportive, patient, and willing to be a good partner. I think the best way to get your girlfriend back is to move forward without her. Take your mind off of her and focus on what is next for you. The most attractive thing is a confident, whole person who doesn't need someone so much. It's not good to be so wrapped up in another person. you are handing over entirely too much power to someone else.

If you are going to the party hoping to get her back, don't go.

[Humantk]

I want to go to the party without hoping to get her back. I really do. But its only because I really want her back, which messes with my head a bit. But she did tell me I gave her too much power in the relationship. I got too codependent and it hurt us. I appreciate your advice and Im going to try and heed it. Everyday my heart yearns for her touch... just to feel it once more. But Im working hard to learn that its not the end, just the end of a chapter.

[bummer]

You both sound mature and I'm glad things are amicable. That's a great start. Nice work on losing weight!

 

If you fear codependent behaviors pushed her away before, you may be walking that same road still just without her next to you.

 

Don't drink too much and be cordial and yourself at the party. No need to show you've improved and you're some hotshot. Start practicing today how you'll respond if she brings a new guy. Plan for the worst case and maybe that will spur you towards forgetting her.

 

If you are you and she's interested she will notice. Otherwise take each day as an opportunity to sever the bond and move on from her. They say reconciliations are either immediate or way down the road. Most say they never happen.

[Humantk]

My best friend and his LTR GF are having a baby! I was the first person he told, just found out an hour ago. They met 1 month after I began dating her younger sister. Been together the last 5 years, just bought a house. Now they are pregnant.

 

Im not a very spiritual person but after I called him and congratulated him I sat down and cried my eyes out. It made me think with my ex leaving me 6 weeks ago and now they have a new person coming into the world.. that what if that was our relationships purpose? Was it so this new life could be? That we were together just so they could have the opportunity to make that person.. weird thought I know. But it depressed me. Gave me less hope that she might want to reconcile some point in the future. Its already something Im trying to let go of, and just live life for myself. I came to the realization tonight that I really didn't love myself this past year. I had a terrible diet. Hated my job. It effected me. I can see why someone would leave that person. I am not going to let that happen again. My next love I want to last.

 

So Im working hard for myself. Going to the gym, down from 254 to 237 in a month. Not bad. Lots of changes with eating and drinking habits. Got a new, better job. Was feeling confident again for the first time in a while. Reconnecting with friends and family. 101 recovery and its starting to feel good. And Im sure that come the next time I see my ex it wont matter if she wants me back or not. Im going to get in the best shape of my life and stay that way. With this news I will probably be seeing her sooner then I thought. And thats fine.

 

Thanks for helping me get this off my chest and cope.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Humantk

[SexyPenguin]

Don't have any real advice per se, and you do seem to have your head screwed on.

 

Just sending lots of hugs... stick around here and stay strong and continue NC (use this site as a place to vent if needs be!). Other's here will have more experience than me in this area I am sure. My heart breaks for you but this isn't the end of you - just a change of plan. ❤

[Humantk]

Hey everyone. I feel I know the answer Ill get, but here it goes.

 

I am still in love with my ex. I have admitted and am solidly working on the confidence issues I had that I believe led to us splitting. I still want her back, ive improved myself physically, mentally and emotionally. We've been split for 2.5 months. Saw her in person a month ago, texted her last about 3 weeks ago. NC since. We will be seeing each other in 1 month for our godsons 2nd birthday party.

 

Shes had a trip to Italy planned with her mom and grandma since january, they are leaving in 2 days (we live in the usa, shes never been to europe)I was planning on not saying anything to her before she left. But Im having second thoughts as the date draws near. I was the only person in her life that was happy and not jealous that she was going. I was thinking of sending a simple one line text. Not sure if its a good idea though.

 

I feel confident that I have a opportunity when that birthday party comes to show her, not chase her, but show her the improvements. If I lost love for myself, confidence, self esteem, and thats why the relationship failed (upon reflection that is why i do feel it failed). Do you think it would be beneficial to contact her or leave it be for right now? Im prepared to focus 100% (instead of 90%) on moving on if things dont go well in a month when we see each other. But I want to give myself and her one more chance to change our mind.

 

I put this under coping because I want to know whether or not its going to make me seem needy, or like Im sending smoke signals. My intention is not for this to lead into a rekindling or a conversation. I want that, but like I said, Im going to take my shot in a month and told her I would respect her space until we met up again at that birthday party.

 

But she was my best friend all throughout our relationship and I just want to tell her I hope she has a blast. Any opinions?

Edited October 21, 2016 by Humantk

[juniorrocha]

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. But you know her better than we do. Can't say whether she would appreciate it or not. Then again, you said you'd respect her space so maybe you should remain quiet?

[Bialy]

Leave things be. Deep breath.

[basil67]

I'm so glad you're working on your confidence issues.

 

As to this plan with your ex, showing her how you've changed etc, has she said that she's open to giving the relationship another chance?

[Humantk]

I'm so glad you're working on your confidence issues.

 

As to this plan with your ex, showing her how you've changed etc, has she said that she's open to giving the relationship another chance?

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

At first when we split she said she just needed some time alone. We're very closely connected, my best friend is in a LTR with her sister and my cousin married to her other sister. Thats why we have the same godson.

 

Then we met for coffee about a month after the split with 3 weeks NC. I reeked of desperation and she told me she had been less stressed and pretty much told me to move on. But she did add at the end she would see me at that birthday party in november with a smile. Shebwas either being nice, or giving me one more shot to right the ship.

 

Ive been trying to move on and just live in the moment. Have the serenity to accept what I cannot change and whatnot. But im also being brave and trying to change what I can. Im down 25lbs, never felt fitter before in my life. Just got a promotion at my job, looking into online classes for buisness management to establish a future. All stuff I reneged on when we were together. Im doing it to help me move on, but that sliver of hope that is that birthday party gives me extra motivation. If she still doesnt see a future with me then, well its time to move one 100%.

 

There was always love, trust and friendship in our relationship. I let the hardships of this year get to me, stopped taking care of myself and took her for granted. I expected her to be my rock but it changed the balance of power and I became overly needy.

 

I have to at least know I tried my best for us. Worst case is that I get myself to a place where I am happy again. Im getting there, but shes the missing peice. I started talking to other girls earlier this week. If only to try and boost my confidence when I see my ex.

 

Im pretty sure I shouldnt contact her. I dont think theres a way where she wont see it as desperate at this point. It sucks because I am just happy for her.

[Marc878]

No contact. If she wants to reconnect let her do it. If you chase she will flee.

 

Being needy trying one way contact is extremely unnattractive and cones across as being weak.

 

Please don't write a stupid letter like so many do.

 

Your best bet is to fix yourself and For the next relationship. Learn from this one.

 

Quit grasping for breadcrumbs it appears to me she is done and had moved on like you should do.

[Humantk]

No contact. If she wants to reconnect let her do it. If you chase she will flee.

 

Being needy trying one way contact is extremely unnattractive and cones across as being weak.

 

Please don't write a stupid letter like so many do.

 

Your best bet is to fix yourself and For the next relationship. Learn from this one.

 

Quit grasping for breadcrumbs it appears to me she is done and had moved on like you should do.

 

 

Making strides toward that. Not writing a letter. Actually trying to do what you have stated. Biggest hurdle is letting go of hope. 5 years of some pretty amazing memories im grateful for kinda keeps that hope alive.

 

But like I said we're pretty close and all indications from my buds, her sisters men, is that she is moving on. She drinks more, still talks about me sometimes (in positive light) but overall they say she seems ok. Im trying to get to a point where im ok too.

 

If she comes and asks for forgiveness she'll have it. I want to do all that I can to make that an attractive option. And have the worst case scenario be that I end up in better shape then when we split, smarter and more mature for my next love. But she was my 1st love and my 1st real breakup. Im trying to handle it with grace. I had 2 grandparents who had 60 year marriges. I really thought I would have the same with my ex. Trying to bleed out that future from my heart, day by day.

 

Thanks for the words Marc.

[Marc878]

In get it but hope keeps you in limbo. Learn from this and make yourself the best you can be.

 

Everyone goes through this at one time or another. You think it's the end of the world. You'll never find someone as good as her. You'd be wrong on both counts.

 

Work on yourself for you. The rest will follow. Good guys are hard to find. You will understand that later.

 

You can't make anyone love you or to what you want.

 

Good luck on your future

[delilah32]

You are one of the kindest, most well-adjusted people whose private pain I've ever read about on the internet. Only half-LOLing. This is going to sound hollow and condescending, coming from a jaded middle-age lady, but you are going to make someone an amazing life partner someday. Kudos to you for not playing mind games and being clear at such a young age about what you want in life...even if it's not the cool, hip thing to stay together forever anymore....

[Humantk]

Hey all so I was reading posts about a community members breakup problems. And he reminded me of myself, the hopeless wanting of a lost love. But with one exception. She was unfaithful to him.

 

My ex was never unfaithful, she broke up loving me but not IN love with me. Its a hard pill to swallow. She let me go really easy, even after we broke up on August 9th (wish I knew of this board back then!) We still regularly texted each morning with a good morning and ended with an I Love You at night. Eventually she weened those things out and on August 27th we told our families and it was done. I still have aquaintences who have no idea because neither of us went off the deep end or made the break very public. But shes gone now, ive spoken to her once in person since then, texted her twice, neither of those coming in the last month.

 

Im grateful for her and the time we had together but Im still very, very hurt. I do all the right things, im taking care of myself. But I have no desire to see anyone else right now and Im pretty lonely. I know for a fact she doesnt want to see anyone else and is rejecting other guys that make advances. Thats not even a deluded form of denial. My best friend told me she got into a huge fight with her best friend for forcing a guy to give her his number.

 

So here I am trying to move on, but I find it hard because she was so good to me even when leaving me. I try to think of all her defects, and the fact she gave up on us to fuel the motivation to leave her in the past. We havnt talked like I said, she hasnt lead me on at all, last time we spoke she said she hopes I can find happiness and a person to love. Its OVER. But still I search and search for some glimmer of hope. I creeped her facebook through a friend for the first time since unfriending her in september and she hasnt posted really much of anything. She had a couple pictures of her in Italy, but she looked unhappy in all of them. I sickly had hoped it was because she missed me. But then realized it doesnt matter and just focus on yourself. We all have these moments of weakness. But I keep trying to find an excuse to hold on.

 

I almost find myself wishing the end was a wreckage I could walk away from. If she had truly wronged me by cheating or something equally as damaging I think I would be much better off at this point. Reading our fellow members story, I wanted him to move on so much because she never truly loved him and was stringing him along. She cheated on him and only contacted him when she needed a pick me up. Sadly it depresses me because I feel reading a lot of stories on here that I had a really good one. My gut always told me she was a good one. I feel like the loser. The not good enough.

 

You think I just have a case of dumpee gigs? As strange and far fetched as it sounds haha. I kinda wish the end was like pulling off a bandaid and it might hurt a lot worse in the short term, but much better for long term. I really want to at this point heal and move on. But the further from the break, the harder it seems. I find myself pretending she cheated on me because I helps me cope better.

 

I know this all sounds stupid, but I want to hear from your experiances. If you've been on both sides of the coin and such. Am I crazy for wishing the end was a firey wreck? Am I ungrateful for the easy way she let me go? Am I just hoping someone replies "dude she was unhappy in Italy? She still loves you!"

 

Yes. Yes to all of those. But im trying my best to cope. Thanks.

[Kelley]

My ex cheated on me and then started a relationship with her. Trust me it doesn't make moving on any easier! You still see the good in them, still feel the same amount of pain which is a lot because of the betrayal. You torture yourself thinking about your ex with her, what they are doing, is she so much better than me? If I'm honest I would have preferred an ending like yours. Knowing that it just didn't work out and it was ended on nice terms. You will always think of her with love and respect. I will always think of my ex as a cheater never the guy I fell in love with.

 

Carry her in your heart and be grateful for the time together. You have to take one day at a time, feel the pain and go through it. You have to carry on living, think of her with love and wish her well. It's over and you somehow need to accept that. Don't keep tabs on her, you don't really want to know if she gets into another relationship it will hurt. She sounds sensible though not rushing in and looking after herself. Of course she will be sad too and will miss you, but it doesn't mean that she wants the relationship back. She is trying to move on you have to do the same.

[Humantk]

So my ex and I split last August after 5 years. I believe she just fell out of love. By September we went NC. 5 months pass. I did send her a text on New Years, only cordial speak from us both, but I feel I should put that out there before we continue.

 

Those that might have read my threads from October know my best friend is engaged to her sister.

 

About 2 weeks after my NY text she texts me, first time she has reached out since we split. She asks if I would be ok going to see Green Day with her, my best friend and her sister in March. Its for her sisters 28th birthday.

 

Im obviously taken way aback by this, totally unexpected. Her sister is pregnant and not a big Green Day fan, Im definitely a bigger Green Day fan. One of my favorite bands.

 

My ex said in the text that she had talked to my friend and her sister about asking me beforehand. If it would be ok and such. That they said it would be ok for ger to ask and they would like me to come.

 

I immediately ask my friend if its true, he claims that niether he nor his fiance knew of this. So my aunt, who has been helping me through this, says I should go. So I tell my ex that Im a big Green Day fan so why not. Try to play it non chalant and cool. That happened almost a month ago.

 

Since then I havnt heard anything else from her, nor have I tried to reach out to her. Then a week ago my doofus best friend tells me he was stoned when I asked him if they gave the ok. He tells me that he didnt know what to say when I asked so he lied about not knowing. She had checked with them before asking me. Im trying not to be salty at him for this, but he should have told her not to ask me. It would have truly been looking after me, but hes not the sharpest tool so...

 

That new info gave me a biiiiiig pause. I feel like accepting the inivitation now was a mistake. Im starting to think, if there is a second chance here, I should back out a week beforehand and offer to pay for my ticket if they cant find someone else to go.

 

The man hopelessly in love with her does not want to pass up an opportunity to be with her. Even if its just in my own mind for one night we would be as we were. But I know that wouldnt be good for my recovery. And if I back out and she contacts me to meet up at a different time, I can enter that situation with a better grasp of things. And if she doesnt contact me I can continue to recover and move on.

 

I just dont want to give this up if its a chance and not just breadcrumbs. My gut tells me if she really missed me she wouldnt wait 2 months to see me. Ive been mulling it over, and the concert is still about 6 weeks away, but Im looking for some suggestions on why she would invite me. Im still confused by it, moreso now then when I thought she had lied to convince me to go. At least then I had figured she missed me. But now Im left wondering why even ask me to go of she doesnt want to reconnect?

 

Any Ideas?

Edited February 7, 2017 by Humantk

[dumbass2]

You could plan to go, but since it is a ways out things could change on her end. Her not contacting since is not a great sign. She could very well have you as an option since you committed to go and if someone else better comes up, she could ghost you in a second. If no one else better pops up, then she knows she has you. She knows how you feel about her and would not stand her up. You are her security blanket. That is a possibility that you should be prepared for. Or you could just let her know now that going is probably not a good idea and you want to give her time to find someone else. Not an easy call to make.

 

What is the very last thing that was said between you two and was it in text or call?