Obsessed after the break-up

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

My brain becomes so darned obsessed after the break-up!

Grrr, If you'd asked me a week before I'd have said the whole things going downhill we might as well end it.

 

Now they are all I can think of.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your breakup. What happened? Is there no possibility of reconciliation? Take care!

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

How do any of you cope with that raw gnawing envy that they are likely having sex with their new lover right now and you are lying there alone with the possibility you may never find someone else?

[keiji]

How do any of you cope with that raw gnawing envy that they are likely having sex with their new lover right now and you are lying there alone with the possibility you may never find someone else?

 

By realizing that I'll find someone else some day, which is what invariably happens unless you lock yourself at home.

 

Also, I've never felt envy but pain when thinking my ex might be with someone else at that very moment. If it's just envy that you're feeling, there's something wrong.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

By realizing that I'll find someone else some day, which is what invariably happens unless you lock yourself at home.

 

Also, I've never felt envy but pain when thinking my ex might be with someone else at that very moment. If it's just envy that you're feeling, there's something wrong.

 

How do you define the two?

I think it is the pain of envy that you feel.

If you didn't have envy you wouldn't feel pain. You would say, I'm happy she has found someone she loves more than she did me and go about your merry way.

 

Contrast it to the feeling you have if you have ever broken up without a third party involved. If you just break up for some incompatibility you never feel the pain like you do if they have left you for someone else.

[central]

You can lie there feeling sorry for yourself, or do something to change your circumstances. DO things - whatever you enjoy (or even things you don't). Just to get out and live. Work on yourself. Find some dates if that's what you want.

[keiji]

How do you define the two?

I think it is the pain of envy that you feel.

If you didn't have envy you wouldn't feel pain. You would say, I'm happy she has found someone she loves more than she did me and go about your merry way.

 

Contrast it to the feeling you have if you have ever broken up without a third party involved. If you just break up for some incompatibility you never feel the pain like you do if they have left you for someone else.

 

I may feel envious of someone who spends the day sitting on a couch doing nothing and at the end of the month gets a 1,000,000 euro paycheck. What I feel when someone I love is no longer there or when I think of her being intimate with someone else is not envy, but heartbreak and despair. That doesn't have anything to do with envy, at least for me.

 

As to your second point, that's not my case. It's much harder for me to accept that a relationship has gone down the drain due to incompatibilities or to the fact that the other person doesn't love me anymore than her leaving me for someone else.

[SammySammy]

Lose the negative thoughts.

 

I've never been envious of an ex. Hope they are having the best sex of their lives.

 

I've never thought I couldn't get somebody else. Always quite certain that I could.

 

I tend to be optimistic. I also don't compare myself to other people. I'm simply striving to be the best I can be. Not concerned about other people and generally happy when they do well.

 

Our mindset is the basis of our success. Choose one that supports you rather than makes you feel bad.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

I may feel envious of someone who spends the day sitting on a couch doing nothing and at the end of the month gets a 1,000,000 euro paycheck. What I feel when someone I love is no longer there or when I think of her being intimate with someone else is not envy, but heartbreak and despair. That doesn't have anything to do with envy, at least for me.

 

As to your second point, that's not my case. It's much harder for me to accept that a relationship has gone down the drain due to incompatibilities or to the fact that the other person doesn't love me anymore than her leaving me for someone else.

 

It feels the opposite for me. If it's truly incompatible like in my case where you move apart because of work or one person takes on a new religion or new lifestyle you can't get on-board with, that's just that. It's sad but move on. But, if they cheat or have someone lined-up for as soon as you break up it's like they are saying you weren't good enough. This new person is prettier, sexier, richer whatever. That's much more wrenching.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Lose the negative thoughts.

 

I've never been envious of an ex. Hope they are having the best sex of their lives.

 

I've never thought I couldn't get somebody else. Always quite certain that I could.

 

I tend to be optimistic. I also don't compare myself to other people. I'm simply striving to be the best I can be. Not concerned about other people and generally happy when they do well.

 

Our mindset is the basis of our success. Choose one that supports you rather than makes you feel bad.

 

You have a very positive powerful outlook.

many of us on here don't share that level of confidence.

If we did I don't think there would be so many posts!

[SammySammy]

My point is how we think is a choice. Confidence is really a choice also - thought put into action.

 

We don't have to just accept how we think or feel about something. If we don't like it, change it.

[RyanO1991]

Crosses my mind, but then I remember the state of her new guy and realise I've got nothing to be jealous of.

 

Unless she remembers what I used to do and starts giving him lessons.

[Kelley]

To be honest the pain I have been feeling is just knowing my ex is with her, I haven't even dared to think about them having sex! To be honest I know my time will come, I will move on and heal, and when I'm ready I will meet a great guy and be having amazing sex of my own! I have the time to be ready and not carry baggage into my next relationship like he has! I think envy is natural, but you will get over it!

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

Try this to gain perspective:

 

If you saved the old emails, cards whatever from your previous relationships the ones before the one you are hurting from now. Go back and read some of what you wrote then, especially the break-up letters. Or, if you have the old emails where you cried on some friend's shoulder about how sad you are.

Read how you thought things like: "I'll never get over this." or "I'll never find love again." and so on.

 

Yet, here you are now broken up and hurting over a completely different person.What happened to that feeling about the previous person? The one you said your heart was aching for or such?

 

How you no longer care about that lover from long ago is likely how you will eventually feel about this one.

[guest569]

It was a few years ago but I still hurt. That's true, it's a lot less intense now for sure. I feel more wronged by this recent one though, and that he was not the right person for me. He hurt me way too much. I think that will help me move forward.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

My recent girlfriend was going through her first divorce. she began pressuring me to get married as soon as she signed the papers.

 

I told her she needed some time to heal and get her head on straight and that her children needed the time too.

 

She said things like she couldn't stand sleeping alone and felt like she was supposed to be married.

 

I told her it seemed like marriage was more important to her than the person she was marrying.

Like she already had a position open and just needed it filled. It didn't matter who by.

 

I refused to marry her any time soon.

 

Now she is about to marry an old high school boyfriend just months after her divorce.

 

Is there a term for this?

 

Seems like some major insecurity to me?

 

But it almost seems like something worse? Obsession with a certain status?

Serial monogamy?

[LastAcorn99]

It does look like your ex-girlfriend has a lot of insecurity. I’m of the opinion that it’s never wise for anyone to rush into marriage, especially when you’re considering remarriage with kids in the picture. I’m sorry about how things turned out for you, but I believe that you did the right thing in asking her to take the time to heal and allow her children time to come to terms with their situation. All the best!

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

It does look like your ex-girlfriend has a lot of insecurity. I’m of the opinion that it’s never wise for anyone to rush into marriage, especially when you’re considering remarriage with kids in the picture. I’m sorry about how things turned out for you, but I believe that you did the right thing in asking her to take the time to heal and allow her children time to come to terms with their situation. All the best!

 

Not concerned here with my own loss. She did go behind my back. I suppose was cheating too.

 

I'm more interested academically? Is there a clinical or at least popular definition of that kind of neediness?

 

Is it symptomatic of some other problem?

[Toodaloo]

She shows a complete inability to be on her own. Which also demonstrates a lack of self control, a lack of courage, a lack of self worth, a lack of...

 

She is lacking in a lot.

 

The person is far more important than the certificate and she is like a rubber ball bouncing from one to the next...

 

I doubt this next marriage will last long then she will do it over and over again...

[kmack513]

There are some people like that, they have to be in a serious relationship or have to get married, who the other person is does not matter.

[TalesoftheWireMonkey]

She shows a complete inability to be on her own. Which also demonstrates a lack of self control, a lack of courage, a lack of self worth, a lack of...

 

She is lacking in a lot.

 

The person is far more important than the certificate and she is like a rubber ball bouncing from one to the next...

 

I doubt this next marriage will last long then she will do it over and over again...

 

I'm pretty certain it won't last, unless the new man has incredible patience. There was a lot of dysfunction between her and the children. She's even been punched several times by the teenage son.

Yes, she has no control over anything, except luring men I guess?

[RecentChange]

My guess is insecurity.

 

My mom has....issues. low self esteem, insecurity etc.

 

She was married and divorced 5 times by the age of 40!

 

Well at least my siblings and I saw what a disaster path that was.

 

My brother recently celebrated his 20th anniversary, my sister's marriage is now at 17, and my husband and I will be celebrating 15 years since we met this Halloween....

[elaine567]

I know it is difficult for you, but who cares? You certainly shouldn't.

 

You identified a huge red flag, refused to marry her and I guess she dumped you. Be grateful.

Unfortunately those who are hurting, get caught up in predictions of the future as regards the ex's new relationship and they usually hope it is a short, miserable one and that the ex will then realise just what they did and be full of remorse.

Truth is, it doesn't often work like that.

Yes, rebounds may not work, but sometimes the "rebound" is actually the one the hurt person was in, in the first place, and the next relationship is the one that has a far bigger chance of working out.

 

Yes she may be very insecure, or she may just need a father for her kids, or her "old high school bf" is perhaps the "love of her life" and she was only perhaps "marking time" with others, who knows?

 

Best to not think of things like this, it is unproductive.

Forget it, let her live her life and concentrate wholly on living yours.

[Rockdad]

Puts me in mind of the post from females about getting her guy to give her a ring. I never did understood that obsession with getting "the ring."

[GunslingerRoland]

Puts me in mind of the post from females about getting her guy to give her a ring. I never did understood that obsession with getting "the ring."

 

I think it depends on the situation, I mean this forum is full of posts of women that are with guys who clearly don't want the relationship to ever progress, but want to keep saying things to give the illusion that it will someday soon... I can't blame those women for obsessing over "the ring".

 

But of course the flip side, is like the girl in the original post, someone who is just desperate to get married, regardless of the status of the relationship.

 

Anyway, it seems really common from what I've seen for a lot of people to be unable to cope with not being married anymore, and have to find another relationship. I do worry that I'd be like that if I ever got divorced, as I more or less went directly from the "child" role to the marriage role.