The thing I struggle with most after 5 months since break-up...

[reckoner]

Hi all, I'm new here, but have been lurking around from time to time

 

Let me try to write my story as short as possible. I was in a relationship for 3,5 years and was dumped in may this year. Could have seen it coming, all warning signs were there for at least a year but didn't want to see them.. It was my first serious (long) relationship and the break-up torn me apart.

 

I felt completely destroyed, obsessed and confused for about 10 weeks. I struggled at work and the days were incredibly long... Was one of the toughest fights I ever put up.. And then I started realizing i was making progress, just by looking back and noticing that I was having more good days than bad days at some point. Besides this the fact that I deleted her from FB and all social media helped as well.

 

I also wrote down a LOT of my emotions which helped a great deal for me. Addressing a letter to her and vent your sh*t without actually sending it, it can work wonders

 

Anyway.. I'm now five months later and I have the feeling I am walking back a few steps... Last month I impulsively sent her an e-mail in which I asked how she's doing, how her life looks like and that I hoped she was doing well. Just friendly, sincere interest.. no clingy stuff. No begging...

 

Unfortunately she never responded. I felt horrible and still blame myself for being naive for sending this e-mail, for taking the risk of looking like a jerk-off, while on the other side I think it's just a friendly e-mail and it's so f*cking cruel of her to ignore me like this when we've been part of each others life for such a long time.

 

This makes me come to my point, the thing I struggle with the most. How can a person care this little about me after spending life together for years? Do any of you have experience with this? Can you just stop caring about someone like that? I'm quite an empathetic person and I don't think I could do this to someone to be honest...

 

I just don't get it and it hurts.. Indifference really is the opposite of love

Edited October 9, 2016 by reckoner

[cucumber95]

I was in similar situation as you, well still am, but we werent so long together. I don't know how somebody can do something like that, I would never just stop caring about somebody I cared / loved, even if she cheated on me, I would still kind of care about her.

 

Never contact her, it is bad idea, if she would want contact with you, she would reach out, I know it is hard, but trust me this is what it is. I want contact my ex too, but can't, she doesn't want to, so I know how you feel.

 

You need to understand that there is lot of people and lot of people are different. Some people can just forget about their love just like that, some people won't forget for years, it is hard, you never know who you going to find.

 

My ex was innocent and lovely person until she stopped have feelings for me, true her came out, and turned out she was very selfish person.

 

Try to not think about her, don't check her facebook/instagram, and don't contact her.

 

I was thinking that I got better in last 2 weeks, but guess what, I seen her picture on facebook (her mother added), and I cried again...

 

Good luck, forget about her, she is not worth you.

[reckoner]

My ex was innocent and lovely person until she stopped have feelings for me, true her came out, and turned out she was very selfish person.

 

Thanks for your reply! How long has it been for you since the break-up?

 

Above quoted is so similar to my ex... Sometimes I feel like I was blind for all this time, that she really was a selfish, cold-hearted person all along.

 

The fact that she ignored my e-mail also makes me even more anxious because I know I will run into her some day. We live in the same city... I know for sure if she ignores me in real life it will be another mental blow

[cucumber95]

Last time I have seen her was 28 of august, everything was good (kisses, hugging, sex), everything she was acting... She broke up 3rd september over text.

 

She lied to me from start so I start loving her, and then truth started coming out, that she was lying to get me.

 

Last time we chatted (it wasn't nice conversation), 20 of september.

 

Same as your girlfriend, she turned out to be cold-hearted, selfish person. It is really hard, just like that I am no one to her and just 1 week before she broke up I was most important person in her life, but I guess it was only my illusion?

[reckoner]

That's still fresh then. Things will get better dude!

 

I think some people don't know what the hell they're talking about when it comes to feelings. Everybody values love differently I suppose... They either say things they don't mean or don't know what they feel / how to express it.

 

A month after my break-up we saw each other for the last time. She returned some stuff of mine and we had sex. She was very emotional but also stated that she didn't want to give me any hope. We kind of agreed on meeting up after a while an just chat how life is going.. It was really a nice way to close things up and there was no fight whatsoever.

 

Two weeks later she was in a relationship with some dude she met on Tinder. This only lasted for a month

After this I tried to have contact once or twice but she seemed so incredibly cold and indifferent that I gave up, until the e-mail a few weeks ago...

 

Guess your right. They will reach out if they want to...If that happens it's up to me whether to slap her hand away or not...

[Thebob]

I'm on the opposite side of this man. I been ignoring my girl who moved out on me after 3 years. She has reached out 5 times and I ignore her. She is probably ignoring you depending on how the breakup occurred becuase she needs to heal and knows deep down that she wants to be with you, but she also knows deep down that you aren't the right partner for her so it's time for her to move on. I'm only ignoring mine cause she left me after I planned on proposing to her on our anniversary trip. But don't take offense to it. Girls need someone else after a breakup so that tinder thing was nothing. Keep your head up.

[reckoner]

I'm on the opposite side of this man. I been ignoring my girl who moved out on me after 3 years. She has reached out 5 times and I ignore her. She is probably ignoring you depending on how the breakup occurred becuase she needs to heal and knows deep down that she wants to be with you, but she also knows deep down that you aren't the right partner for her so it's time for her to move on. I'm only ignoring mine cause she left me after I planned on proposing to her on our anniversary trip. But don't take offense to it. Girls need someone else after a breakup so that tinder thing was nothing. Keep your head up.

 

 

Thanks for replying!

 

Although I understand where you come from, still I don't get while the dumper would need time to 'heal'. I have the feeling my ex healed a long time before she broke up with me, which is my fault as well for letting that happen.. Just the fact that a friendly e-mail ends up unresponded seems so.. harsh...

Edited October 12, 2016 by reckoner

[OneLov]

I'm sorry for your loss but please see this as part of the process.

 

But in all fairness, she gave you enough information to gain closure from this situation.

Edited October 13, 2016 by OneLov

[niji]

Anyway.. I'm now five months later and I have the feeling I am walking back a few steps... Last month I impulsively sent her an e-mail in which I asked how she's doing, how her life looks like and that I hoped she was doing well. Just friendly, sincere interest.. no clingy stuff. No begging...

 

Unfortunately she never responded. I felt horrible and still blame myself for being naive for sending this e-mail, for taking the risk of looking like a jerk-off, while on the other side I think it's just a friendly e-mail and it's so f*cking cruel of her to ignore me like this when we've been part of each others life for such a long time.

 

This makes me come to my point, the thing I struggle with the most. How can a person care this little about me after spending life together for years? Do any of you have experience with this? Can you just stop caring about someone like that? I'm quite an empathetic person and I don't think I could do this to someone to be honest...

 

I just don't get it and it hurts.. Indifference really is the opposite of love

 

As "the bad person", I may be able to give some insights on what "the other side" thinks. I'm sure our circumstances are different, and don't know what you two have been through, but I was with my ex for 4 years. I broke up with him at the end of that 4 years mostly because of me - I felt suffocated, didn't have any room to grow personally (I was at fault for choosing not to grow then later saw him as a hindrance to my growth, or lack thereof). I actually had contemplated breaking up with him for quite a while (during the last 2 years of the relationship), but couldn't bring myself to do it because he was a great guy, sweet and genuine, smart and kind, basically the kind of men one only meets once in a lifetime, and did nothing WRONG, ever, to cause the breakup. Until this day, I can't quite pin down why I broke up with him despite knowing I'll probably never meet someone that kind again. Basically, I just felt like I fell out of love.

 

After breaking up, we met up in person once when he insisted on getting back together. I was very firm and refused despite seeing how broken he was. Then 2 months post break up, he emailed me saying he met someone new, I replied with a congrats but was very curt. 3 months after, he wished me HPBD and updated me the relationship was going well (this was November). I thanked him, politely congrats him some more, he replied to that email, I didn't. In Jan, he emailed me Happy New Year. I never responded.

 

I know it will hurt, but basically I didn't want to have contacts with him anymore. If I did, I wouldn't have broken up. While I still respect him so much as a person, I wanted all contacts to stop, so that I could move on with my life. And I wanted him to move on with his. This may all sounds too selfless, but I've always disagreed with people who broke up with their exes but still try to keep them around as backup plans. I think that's the most terrible thing of all (not to justify my action, I WAS horrible for breaking his heart, but I'd rather do that than stay with him and not love him, that's also a terrible thing). I wanted BOTH of us to move on, especially now that he was seeing a new person, the last thing I want to do is for him to hold on to a hanging thread of hope that I may come back. So I cut all contacts. I still was friend with him on FB, he got married the following year to the same girl, and I believe they are still happily married (he doesn't update FB often at all).

 

To sum it up, we were together for 4 years, we were both each other's first love/relationship, and so it's quite clear we were a huge part of each other's life. But once the decision to break up is made, that means the other party wants to part way and doesn't want to be part of your life anymore. As much as it hurts, that's the truth. And it doesn't have to be your fault. It certainly wasn't my ex's fault. I simply have to move on with my life and can't do that if we still go back and forth. I also don't believe in remaining friends with ex'es or people I had romantic feelings for. I can't convert such feelings into friendship, but others have done that successfully. To each her/his own.

[reckoner]

To sum it up, we were together for 4 years, we were both each other's first love/relationship, and so it's quite clear we were a huge part of each other's life. But once the decision to break up is made, that means the other party wants to part way and doesn't want to be part of your life anymore. As much as it hurts, that's the truth. And it doesn't have to be your fault. It certainly wasn't my ex's fault. I simply have to move on with my life and can't do that if we still go back and forth. I also don't believe in remaining friends with ex'es or people I had romantic feelings for. I can't convert such feelings into friendship, but others have done that successfully. To each her/his own.

 

Thanks for your input. It really gives me some insights on what the 'other' side experiences As i stated it's my first real break-up so some things are just new for me... Your post is helpful.

 

The past few days have been better, I realize she will probably never reply and I need to get over it. I now just hope that after giving up all hope she will not contact me out of nowhere and catch me off guard...

[Fatty23]

Thanks for replying!

 

Although I understand where you come from, still I don't get while the dumper would need time to 'heal'. I have the feeling my ex healed a long time before she broke up with me, which is my fault as well for letting that happen.. Just the fact that a friendly e-mail ends up unresponded seems so.. harsh...

 

 

I feel the same way. Why do they need to heal if they dumped us?? My ex broke up with me but kept saying he needed space and time to get over it as if I hurt him or I dumped him.