Dealing with regrets

[Tom96]

I'm currently on day 9 of NC, it's been just over a month since my ex girlfriend broke up with me. I'm sure I did everything wrong at the start, I tried to force her to stay with me, which never works. Then just to keep her in my life I agreed to be friends (big mistake). I found out she was seeing someone else a three weeks into the break up, I guess that explains why I never really saw her upset. I never got a reason for the break up, and after a while that started to get to me. I couldn't go through with NC without putting all my cards on the table.

 

She blocked me everywhere, and deleted our pictures from everywhere. The only form of communication we now have is email. So I sent her a quick email to wish her well, apologise for my part in the breakup and the aftermath, and told her that I would like to keep in contact if she is open to it. I know she's read the email, however it's now been a week and I received no reply.

 

I regret ever acting so childishly, I should have given her time to process her thoughts instead of trying to force them from her. I would've liked to have kept her in my life, as she did mean the world to me and I wanted to see how she got on in the future, I ruined that. Does time heal anger? I hope one day she forgives me, I'm really beating myself up about this.

[NCmav]

Does time heal anger? I hope one day she forgives me, I'm really beating myself up about this.

 

 

 

 

It does. We have all made mistakes in the past. We learn from every person that comes into our lives. Yes, sometimes we wish that we could have met someone prior to learning from the mistakes of that relationship, but unfortunately that isn't how it works. Join a gym. Go hiking. Focus on healing yourself.

[Satu]

I'm sorry to say it, but she's moved on.

 

She's done her thinking and examined her feelings, and she's come to the conclusion that she doesn't want you in her life. Not as a boyfriend, not as a friend, not as anything.

 

If you can fully accept that, and respect her decision, you'll be able to start moving on yourself.

 

Don't send her anymore emails, and delete her email address.

 

Shift your focus away from her, and onto yourself.

 

I know thats not easy, but its what you have to do if you want to heal and feel better.

 

At one month out, your feelings are very raw and intense, but as time passes the intensity of the feelings will reduce.

 

Make a list of things that make you feel good and do them.

 

Put time into your other relationships: family, friends, neighbours.

 

If you have someone you can talk to, talk to them.

 

Write about how you are feeling.

 

Keep posting here.

 

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[Tom96]

I'm sorry to say it, but she's moved on.

 

She's done her thinking and examined her feelings, and she's come to the conclusion that she doesn't want you in her life. Not as a boyfriend, not as a friend, not as anything.

 

If you can fully accept that, and respect her decision, you'll be able to start moving on yourself.

 

Don't send her anymore emails, and delete her email address.

 

Shift your focus away from her, and onto yourself.

 

I know thats not easy, but its what you have to do if you want to heal and feel better.

 

At one month out, your feelings are very raw and intense, but as time passes the intensity of the feelings will reduce.

 

Make a list of things that make you feel good and do them.

 

Put time into your other relationships: family, friends, neighbours.

 

If you have someone you can talk to, talk to them.

 

Write about how you are feeling.

 

Keep posting here.

 

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

 

I understand that she has moved on. As much as it kills me, I love her enough to let her go. I just hope she reaches out in the future, and there's no bad feelings. Im going complete NC, I leave in January for 4 months to Africa, so maybe when I get back I could drop her an email and just see how things are with her?

[NCmav]

I understand that she has moved on. As much as it kills me, I love her enough to let her go. I just hope she reaches out in the future, and there's no bad feelings. Im going complete NC, I leave in January for 4 months to Africa, so maybe when I get back I could drop her an email and just see how things are with her?

 

 

I know how hard this is for you to hear, but because I have been here before I am going to try and save you some trouble. Don't bother reaching out. It will hurt you more in the end. If you want some chance at reconciliation in the future, you have to let her reach out, and only respond if she indicates that is her intention.

 

 

Other than that, move on and focus on yourself. It is the best thing you can do.

[Tom96]

I know how hard this is for you to hear, but because I have been here before I am going to try and save you some trouble. Don't bother reaching out. It will hurt you more in the end. If you want some chance at reconciliation in the future, you have to let her reach out, and only respond if she indicates that is her intention.

 

 

Other than that, move on and focus on yourself. It is the best thing you can do.

 

Thank you so much for your advice, and taking the time to comment on this. I'm not sure I'd ever get back together with her, taking time away from the relationship I now see that it wasn't as great as I thought it was. I now understand that she never fought for us, even in arguments, if it got to the point where I walked out, she'd never care. I think that was a main point that she'd be fine if I left, which she's displaying now. I will always love her and care for her, but relationship wise, it's not for me. Unless she changes and realises that she cared more for me than she thought she did. I really mean that I'd keep her in my life as a friend, we didn't work out together but she was a great friend to have. She knows I'm leaving soon, and if she doesn't reach out before hand then I don't think she ever will.

[NCmav]

Thank you so much for your advice, and taking the time to comment on this. I'm not sure I'd ever get back together with her, taking time away from the relationship I now see that it wasn't as great as I thought it was. I now understand that she never fought for us, even in arguments, if it got to the point where I walked out, she'd never care. I think that was a main point that she'd be fine if I left, which she's displaying now. I will always love her and care for her, but relationship wise, it's not for me. Unless she changes and realises that she cared more for me than she thought she did. I really mean that I'd keep her in my life as a friend, we didn't work out together but she was a great friend to have. She knows I'm leaving soon, and if she doesn't reach out before hand then I don't think she ever will.

 

 

Then just give yourself time. The anger will subside, and the regrets will turn into lessons learned. Go out and enjoy nature. Get your mind off things.

[spiderowl]

There is no point having regrets or feeling bad about things. If it was going to work, it would have done. Both people need to feel attracted to and drawn to each other and unfortunately for her that draw didn't last. It may never have been as strong as it was for you in the first place, but even she may not have know that.

 

I know it hurts badly.

 

I like to think of it as molecules bumping into and bouncing off each other - sometimes they stick together, merge, stay merged or separate off. I doubt they know what is driving them, something just works sometimes.

 

When you meet the right girl, you will both be drawn to each other. It won't be hard work. You won't have to think about where you went wrong or have regrets.

[Tom96]

So I found out today through a mutual friend that my ex is now seeing someone else. I guess that explains why I've been blocked and ignored for over two weeks. It's nice to see that our whole relationship could easily just be forgotten and she can just jump to the next one. At this point I don't even want her back. i just wanted to see that she cared. All those memories and inside jokes are now done. And still part of me holds onto the hope that she will apologise one day, but in the end she's not a nice person and I have well and truly been used.

[dangerous]

Tom,

It's good advice here. The way you describe your feelings is exactly the way I felt recently about my breakup. My GF cut me off after first agreeing we'd be friends. It hurt and I beat myself up and deliberated contacting her. It's been just two weeks and after lots of soul searching and good advice from friends and this forum too, I've reached the same conclusion:

Don't contact her, let her reach out to me (if she ever does) and I realize also that she was not kind to me after all. I'm better off without her - it would have ended even more painfully if we stick together longer.

[Bialy]

Im going complete NC, I leave in January for 4 months to Africa, so maybe when I get back I could drop her an email and just see how things are with her?

By the time you return from Africa, you might be further down the path of healing that you might not want to even send an email.

 

Forgive yourself. Heal. Accept the past and look towards the future. You've learned a lot from the experience.

[Offspring]

I regret ever acting so childishly

 

I bet I've acted more CHILDISHLY than you!

 

And, I'm with you on the processing thing. I did exactly the same thing as you, maybe worse, and it's only in hindsight that I can see I could have done things differently.

[Osmium13]

Regrets aren't worth the air time. You can't change what's done. Use the experience to (try to!) learn for the next time, that's all it's useful for.

 

If I let all the things I regret occupy my mind, I'd never have the time to think about anything else