Very hurt, trying to cope :(

[curlupanddye]

Hello! I really need some help... Something has to be done about my jealousy. It's tearing me apart. It's ruining my relationship. It makes me yell, and cry, and curl up in a ball under the sheets, I lose sleep, I don't feel like eating...

I'd like to start by saying that I love my boyfriend very much. I am very attached to him as well. The thing is, he has a female best friend... They are close, but I know it's purely platonic from his side. He loves me, not her. And yet I feel horrible everytime they hang out alone. I panic, my heart starts beating insanely fast, my legs and my hands start shaking, I want to disappear forever, and all I can do is hide under the sheets and cry... It doesn't go away until he comes back and texts me, and even then I feel uneasy. I hate it when he starts talking about her because I instantly want to plug my ears or run away. And I'm on the verge of tears everytime I see both of them online or him texting her, or receiving one from her... My boyfriend is trying to help me, he's a great listener, he asks me about what exactly is bothering me, but I feel like he doesn't fully understand just how much pain I go through everytime.

I believe I have some sort of abandonment or trust issues. When I was a child, I would get attached to people who never appreciated me, I was cyberbullied and treated like an idiot. There were days when I was all by myself. There weren't many people who would actually remember my birthday. I remember teachers yelling at me, putting me down in front of other students... It was very painful. Could that possibly be the reason why I'm so jealous and panicky?

Also, what can I do about the situation I'm in? I don't think I'll be able to hold on for much longer if my boyfriend and that friend of his continue to communicate... I recently started to treat my boyfriend with aggression or passive aggression, and cry a lot in front of him. He's probably really tired of that... I know I'm wrong and I feel guilty, but I feel like those feelings are not under my control

Thank you in advance

[ackuric]

I think you're lucky he's stuck around with you during this phase you're going through. It seems to me like you want him to choose you over his friendship with this girl, and with that not happening it only makes matters worse for you.

 

You won't want to hear this but you're adding toxicity into the relationship by not resolving your issues on your own and externalizing them onto him. Tbh with issues this severe, you shouldn't be in a R/S, you're only causing yourself and your partner heart ache.

 

Try to internalize your issues, reflect as to why you're feeling how you're feeling, if you cannot change your feelings, don't expect to change him just to appease your insecurities. Even if he did, it wouldn't work out in the end.

 

The best solution here in my opinion is to deal with your insecurities, voice them in a way that shows you're trying to progress, and work through them. If you find that its too difficult to proceed together through this issue, think of how hard it may or may not be to do it alone, because that's what you will be doing eventually if you don't handle it yourself, in a mindful, respectful manner..

Edited September 29, 2016 by ackuric
misspell

[spiderowl]

I think I would feel uncomfortable in the same situation as you too. I would not want my partner paying a great deal of attention to a female friend. I guess I would just have to choose someone who didn't have a female best friend.

 

How often does he text this friend and hang out with her? He clearly has a strong emotional bond with her. That is tough for any woman to cope with.

[Satu]

I'm generally an optimist, but I don't think this situation can be made to work.

 

You can't insist that he cuts contact with his friend, but you've so far not been able to cope with things as they are.

 

The only thing that might help would be for you to get some counselling.

 

If you don't, your issues will definitely put an end to this relationship.

 

Sorry to say it.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Don't be too hard on yourself. There are a great many people who feel that having a best friend of the opposite sex is inappropriate. These people may cope with it in a different way to you (they just end the relationship citing incompatibility) but the important bit is that they don't accept the unacceptable.

 

Why does he go out with her and leave you at home? Why not go out in a group and have a great time together? Does she text him at inappropriate times or too often?

[livebrilliantly]

I've been there before. It wasn't easy to overcome. I had to do a lot of soul searching and serious personal growth. I finally realized I was suffering from insecurities within. My insecurities hurt my relationship and eventually destroyed it. My thoughts for you is, talk to some long time friends and family members or talk to a therapist. You absolutely need to try and overcome your insecurities. Dig deep within and discover your strengths and try to get rid of your weaknesses. Try being honest with your boyfriend about what you're going through deep inside and reassure him that you are willing to fix it. From experience I will tell you that COMMUNICATION is crucial in a relationship. Without it, there is no relationship. God bless and good luck!