This all hurts more than I expected

[gymgirl36]

There is a guy from my part time job I've been doing the friends with benefits thing with on and off for 10 years. At various points in those 10 years we've both had girlfriends and boyfriends, but we always kept finding our way back to each other. The most recent time was over the last 7 months or so. This time the fwb was more like dating. He took me out to dinner, was publicly holding my hand and making our situation a little more exclusive when in the presence of our friends in common and in front of other guys as well. He was sharing different private things we'd never discussed. It felt more like dating than fwb. I've never been the jealous type, but about a month an a half ago, I had a weak moment where I felt like he was flirting with someone in front of me (something he had never done in 10 years), got jealous and I said something to him that I intended as a sarcastic joke in my head, but it came out mean and bitter. He called me on it and got extremely angry. He started arguing with me immediately. We were at work at the time and I tried to convince him to have a discussion in private so I could apologize and we could talk. That request turned into him berating me for almost an two hours in a mall parking lot. He yelled at me, insulted me, questioned everything he's known about me in 10 years. It was so bad that people were staring. The most hurtful thing was that in the midst of all of it he looked completely disgusted and said, "I can't even believe you're acting like a girlfriend." It was as if the idea of me in that role actually disgusted him. I never thought of myself as his girlfriend, but I also never thought it was that disgusting of an idea. When he was done, he pretty much walked away like I was nothing while I sat in my car shaking and sobbing. A few days later I tried to get in touch with him by text to apologize and he was cold, so I gave up.

 

We haven't been on the schedule together since that night, but I've been avoiding events with our friends and coworkers where I might run into him and hoping my boss won't put us on a schedule together because our jobs depend on us having chemistry and I don't even want to be near him because I'll fall apart. I miss him more than I care to admit and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I never got to be really clear about anything that was going on in my mind or my heart because he was being so horrible. I can't keep hiding forever and eventually we're going to end up working together because part of why we were hired was our initial chemistry with each other (we're part of a team that hosts big events).

 

I've flirted and even been on a few dates with other people. I thought I'd be over it by now, but I just got invited to an event 3 of our coworkers are throwing and he's the emcee. It would be rude of me not to show up to support my coworkers, but I just am not mentally prepared at all for how mean he might be this time. I can't take being berated like that again. Things were so good between us and the idea of our relationship not being the same just makes me sad. I have no idea how to deal with any of this.

[juniorrocha]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Well, he really only saw you as a FWB, and just that. Nothing new here. But it's been so long since you guys started that I suppose he thought it would be okay to do all those things with you; maybe he thought there was no way you would get involved. I wouldn't say he's disgusted with the idea, but more like it never crossed his mind.

 

Still, he didn't have to be that cruel. I mean, 10 years. He could've just talked to you about it without making it such a big deal. This whole situation shows a lot more about him than you, according to what you said (even though you didn't say what joke you made).

 

It hurts, but you'll get through it. If you must go to that event, you should, but keep it all work-related and if he's ever mean, just ignore it, or try to.

 

And carry on with no contact, so you can heal and move on.

[gymgirl36]

I thought I'd put what I'd said to him in my original post. Oops. We were sitting next to each other talking and this one girl with a big butt kept walking by and he was clearly eyeballing her and making little comments to her that were flirty. I elbowed him and said, "Quit drooling. Don't you think you're doing a bit much? Come on, man, have some dignity!" We've both said things like that to each other before as a joke, but I messed up this time and didn't notice what had motivated it in my head. It just came out sounding angry because in that moment, I was jealous and hurt.

 

I'm going to try to bring some buffer people with me to the event so I don't have to take a chance on encountering him alone since now I know how mean his mean streak really is and I'm pretty sure another encounter will mean another situation with him berating me. I've managed to avoid working with him and I've dodged any questions that have come my way from our friends in common. I still don't know how I'm going to handle work when we end up on the schedule together, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.