No contact not always the best?

[luluv13]

So I am 4 months out of a 5 month intense relationship. It ended a bit messy mainly because it was out of the blue and I did not want it but nothing terrible or horrible happened just lots of confusion and hurt feelings. It has been terribly difficult for me and was difficult for him in the beginning (not sure if he is over it now or not).

He is very avoidant with conflict and feelings and I am very not. He didn't speak to me for 3 weeks after we broke up even when things were still very unclear and up in the air. It killed me, he needed it. After that, we have had contact here and there almost entirely all initiated by me. It had been a month and a half since we last spoke via text. I have been miserable, even after all this time and it doesn't seem to be letting up. It actually seems to be getting worse. So, I broke and texted him. I even asked him to meet with me to catch up. He is out of town so he can't and even him not meeting me, I still feel 1000 times better than I did before. It's kind of insane. I feel much more clear-headed. I know we can't and shouldn't be together in a relationship and I am okay with that. I couldn't feel anything, especially that, when I am missing him SO SO badly in no contact. Am I just riding on a high of contacting him? Could no contact work against me in some cases?

I have SUCH a difficult time letting people go from my life that I have trusted and loved. I know this. It has been an issue for me in other times besides this break up. I am even still best best friends with my very first boyfriend. I talk to my ex husband just about every other day and still hang out together. I feel like if he and I could just keep touch and be friends with this past ex then maybe I would have a less difficult time moving on. I feel like I am not able to let fully go but I can move on.

 

Should I just chunk the no contact or will it eventually get better and start to work to help me move on? Anyone else find it easier to just keep some contact and move on rather than zero contact?

[Satu]

Sometimes people speak of a 'No Contact rule,' but no such thing exists.

 

It's an option, and nothing more.

 

It might be, given your own nature, that it's not a good option for you.

 

But if you're contacting him for a temporary fix, that might not be a good thing.

 

 

Take care.

[DontBreakEven]

Honestly? I get what you're saying. Sometimes NC is not the best route, no matter what people on here say.

 

I am in the same boat. I actually did the dumping. But I feel like she and I are healing so much more with limited contact, and I know that she does too. We are still talking things out. We both know it's over, but we are coming to terms with some bad feelings, and we are slowly pulling closure from each other. And hopefully it can become friendship. I feel like I can move on too. But when we were in NC, I felt like I couldn't even get through my day. I feel good about life when we are talking. I just do. She still makes me happy in that regard.

 

So, contact works for us. And I don't see why it can't for you as well, as long as it isn't causing any negative feelings, or false hopes.

[Raina314]

I'm the same way. Before, I've always managed to heal in a normal timeframe while staying in touch, because my exes and I still mutually cared for each other. This time I'm doing NC because my ex was never there for me and was generally really unresponsive, so I know any attempt to contact would probably just result in silence from him and it'd hurt more. But this is so much harder than the others. I'm still depressed 7 months out, and if I could do what you did, I would. If this helps you, go for it.

[Sunnymae]

I don't know the whole story, but it sounds more like it was a mutual decision, to breakup, and I'm assuming that he didn't betray you, so in that scenario I think casual contact would work. It's hard to quit something you've been doing on a regular basis by doing NC. If no betrayals are involved, and just a mutual agreement that you are not right for each other and if this makes moving on easier, why not.

[Alamo657]

I cut contact when the other person hurt me, because friends dont hurt each others

[luck1978]

A good anaology is to look at it like an addictive drug. NC is going cold turkey and is probably the most difficult but will mean you might heal quicker if you can get through the withdrawal. Alternatively if this is too difficult it might be better to gradually cut down, like you might do with smoking, this prolongs the ineviatable and may make it more difficult in the long run and you may have more relapses, but in the short term it causes less pain and may be more manageable?

Whatever works for you I suppose!

[contel3]

Limited contact can help....usually it's not in the way you'd expect it to. Sometimes it helps you to move on because they pull one last crap move that helps you get over them. Sometimes the pain just gets too much.

 

What usually helped me was checking in with exes about a year later. The way I remembered them was always better than the reality and it helped break the spell.

[juniorrocha]

I think it really depends on the situation overall. I've been NC since me and my ex broke up, although I looked up her Twitter twice. I also have to admit that sometimes I look at our pictures together and honestly, it makes me feel great! While I do miss those times, it's fun to remember everything in a positive note. It seems very distant anyway. I keep thinking that yes, we're no longer in a relationship, but that doesn't means that everything has stop altogether.

 

Last friday she called me to say that this weekend she'll come by to drop my stuff and she wants to talk. I'm actually relieved that she does, cause I do too! I don't wanna talk about our relationship, where we went wrong, or anything like that. I just wanna be okay with her, I wanna make sure we are no longer lovers but we care and respect each other. I wanna go out without worrying whether she will be there or not, I wanna see her, smile and say hi. I don't want to have to hide. Eventually I wanna see her happy with someone else by her side, and I'm hoping she will be happy for me when that happens too.

 

I'm glad I'm starting to see things this way. Afterall, I just want us to be happy, even if we go separate ways. Sometimes I feel like calling her and ask if she would like to go out for a coffee or a beer, to celebrate our break up. We had so many problems, so why not accept it wasn't meant to be and be happy about that? I feel so happy overall, seeing she's doing ok and she's alright with me would only make things a lot easier, I think.

[luluv13]

So I just wanted to give a quick update. It has almost been 11 months since we broke up. I'm still not totally over it but I have made a lot of progress. I still miss him dearly. For the 5 months since I wrote this post, I did not do no contact. Quite the contrary actually. We became "friends", emailing and texting regularly multiple times a week if not every day. We met up multiple times as friends. I became hooked again and I would eagerly await to hear from him. After an amazing day together late in Sept, I happened to look on Facebook after I got home and saw that he was hanging out with a girl that I presume is his new girlfriend. It broke me. It really did. I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote him an email telling him that I'm not where I should be with this break up and that I can't be in contact with him anymore, defriended him on fb. We haven't talked but once (on his bday) since. It hasn't been easy but at some point the pain of hanging on became worse than the pain of cutting him out completely. I'm still not where I should be but at least I know I am not headed in the wrong direction which was what was happening when we were keeping contact. I have to say that this had to happen though. I was in no position to do no-contact at the time I wrote this post.

 

Thanks for all the insight and advice.

 

 

Limited contact can help....usually it's not in the way you'd expect it to. Sometimes it helps you to move on because they pull one last crap move that helps you get over them. Sometimes the pain just gets too much.

 

What usually helped me was checking in with exes about a year later. The way I remembered them was always better than the reality and it helped break the spell.

 

 

this is exactly true. Thanks.

[xyz12345]

So I just wanted to give a quick update. It has almost been 11 months since we broke up. I'm still not totally over it but I have made a lot of progress. I still miss him dearly. For the 5 months since I wrote this post, I did not do no contact. Quite the contrary actually. We became "friends", emailing and texting regularly multiple times a week if not every day. We met up multiple times as friends. I became hooked again and I would eagerly await to hear from him. After an amazing day together late in Sept, I happened to look on Facebook after I got home and saw that he was hanging out with a girl that I presume is his new girlfriend. It broke me. It really did. I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote him an email telling him that I'm not where I should be with this break up and that I can't be in contact with him anymore, defriended him on fb. We haven't talked but once (on his bday) since. It hasn't been easy but at some point the pain of hanging on became worse than the pain of cutting him out completely. I'm still not where I should be but at least I know I am not headed in the wrong direction which was what was happening when we were keeping contact. I have to say that this had to happen though. I was in no position to do no-contact at the time I wrote this post.

 

Thanks for all the insight and advice.

 

 

 

 

 

this is exactly true. Thanks.

 

 

This is true, I also had limited contact when my ex and I first broke up. And then while I was thinking we were starting over. He started.....with another girl and it just blew up into a messy bomb and I was back to square one.

 

NC is really for you, for you to move past the hurt and focus on you. It is as another poster said - like a drug. And you quit. I hope you continue the strength to move on. You will have weak moments, I know I do. I miss and still care for my ex. But you always have a logical side that is saying "this is not right" sadly your heart always has the louder voice.

 

Sending good vibes to you for strength to move on to better.

[Kayley]

I can understand this.

 

I'm NC, day 24 and to be honest my progress has been so slow. One step forward, 20 steps back. Every single day I think about what I want to say to him but I'm also glad I haven't said those things because I think about the things I said in the 8 days after our break up before I went NC and I'm so embarrassed. If we'd stayed in contact I'd probably have said more embarrassing things.

 

But I'm still struggling. I feel like weaning him out of my life would have been easier. I don't like the idea of never speaking to him again. I'd like to have some kind of contact but I don't know how he feels and as long as he isn't contacting me I'm trying to respect his wishes. At this point though I wish we could just be on some kind of casual speaking terms.

[Kelley]

I was going to say that NC is like hell initially but it works I healed quickly because I stuck to it. If you stay in contact I don't care what anyone says you hold on to hope. It's human nature and you read into everything! If you still love your ex it will never be just friends. Heal first then consider it, funny enough when people heal they move on and don't look back. As the OP states as soon as her ex found someone else it was devastating because of the hope. There is no easy way to heal, staying in contact prolongs healing you just have to accept the relationship is over and move on.