How I cope

[bummer]

Hi. I'm 29, she was 25, 1.5yr, mostly long distance, plans of living together, deep connection, blah blah blah. 2 months of confusion and she dumped me 1 week ago with full NC from both of us so far. This is how I cope in general order of importance to me:

 

1. Maintain NC as the dumpee. Not LC, not sometimes, but always. If they didn't want to break up with you they wouldn't have. Trust that they didnt want to hurt you and likely waited until no other option was clear. They see being split up as the ONLY answer. Honor that strong feeling and action from them. Stay NC.

 

2. Breathing. Every thought is of her 24-7 right? It's overwhelming. It's exhausting not sleeping and feeling hopeless and lost. Thoughts ranging the full spectrum from a few joyful memories to pain, guilt, regret, doubt, anger, etc. When a thought enters, relax the body, gently close your eyes, and breathe slowly in and out. Deep. Focus on a sound like birds, the dishwasher, cars, a lawn mower, etc. Think about the sound and let the bad thought fade. Stay relaxed and keep breathing deep until you think of something else.

 

3. Tell yourself to drop it. If the breathing and focus on a sound outside your head fails, say inside or out loud, "not right now" or "let it go" and breathe deeply into letting the thought fade. By saying it, it convinces yourself it's true. At least for me.

 

4. Drop the false hope. Same as breaking NC as the dumpee, holding a hope of reconciliation is ultimately destructive. Hope for the 99% probability of finding someone better when you're healed, not the 1% pipe dream of getting back together. If you can't let go, start lying to your emotions. When they say there's a chance and that she loves you still, lie, and say no way. She hates you and she is already moving on and healing. Are you going to let her win? Really, you're telling yourself the likely truth. So crush the lie inside and free that piece of your heart for more healing.

 

5. Read. I haven't read for fun in years and find reading better than tv or games as it engages my brain, old parts of my brain, fully. I'm reading The Book of Five Rings right now. It's short. And when I read, only a random thought of her can flutter in instead of the constant stream.

 

6. Friends. Old friends or new but not mutual ones hopefully. One or two close ones who you can explain most of the story to and whom you can call when you think of breaking nc. Lean on them hard if they can handle it and talk about anything to clear your mind. Be mindful of dropping your own hurt too hard on someone else. My friend introduced me to LS and berates me to be strong, embrace anger, drop the false hope, and stay nc. I call him a few times a day still (thanks dude!) Ask your friend to look at the nc page to help you better if they don't know.

 

7. Old friends, new conversations. I had a two hour talk with people I haven't seen in five years and I can't recall thinking of her once for the full two hours! She wasn't there when I knew them and the memories were awesome. Find old connections to rekindle. But not old gfs or bfs. That will hurt.

 

8. Distractions. I started a new sport, but the gym and other people's ideas of physical exercise are great. While I fantasize and think of her most of the time I'm there, those endorphins help. Look great, feel great.

 

9. Alone time. Not reading and not distracting yourself, take five or ten minutes once or a few times per day. Find a safe place and time to let all the bad emotions in for awhile. Let them all boil together. It's my fault? Sure. I was the one who cheated? Yep. I abandoned you first? Ok. I wasn't vulnerable enough? You're right. Sad because you can't sleep together and cuddle anymore? So sad:( .... Then cry or scream if that's your outlet. Channel the hatred for that person forgetting you. I tell her to go f herself for manipulating me to feel this way. Entertain the bad thoughts, but gently or forcefully tell them to go away and that there is no hope of getting back together when your ready to leave that space. Sometimes I meditate and try to focus on my breathing to let the thoughts fade as I focus on my breath. Sometimes I just repeat how much she sucks and that makes me feel better. The bathroom or in bed by yourself works. I like to think of her most just after I eat because I think how she's missing out on my awesome meal and someday someone better can join me. I hope these moments fade.

 

10. Avoid triggers and change habits in general. Hard if it was a work relationship, there are kids, or other connections which remain. For me, I can't go near her part of the town, our old gym, or old restaurants. Same for shared tv shows, habits, and friends. It's fun to learn how to shower in a different order without her or sleep on her side of the bed. Don't listen to your favorite songs. I listen to chick rock and classical because she hated them. F her. Change those trigger patterns.

 

11. Watch this and laugh:

 

12. Remember you're not alone with all the lovely LS dumpers and dumpees crying their hearts out for the Internet to sympathize with. For me, reading the divorce page and really long term and awful breakups make me feel better. I'm sorry for them, and I know it's maybe unhealthy to take strength from others' misery, but it works for me right now. Know you're not alone and likely someone has it way worse. Thanks LS !

 

It's only been a week but I feel more whole already. Nc works! Maybe in a month I'll update with a setback or magic reconciliation, but I'm moving towards healing and making myself whole for the next girl.

 

Got any tips for me and others?

[TaraMaiden2]

This is a really great list of tips.

I think many of them are worth noting. Some may not be, due to personal circumstance, not because they're NOT noteworthy.

 

Like re-connecting with old friends - not always possible or advisable for everyone.

But generally, the list is about as good as anything could be.

 

A really good list to take in conjunction with the NC Guide. They make great bedfellows!!

 

Great post, bummer!!

 

ETA: Loved the video - No fruit juice!!

Edited May 11, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[SixxChick]

Make a comprehensive list of pros and cons. You just might be amazed.

 

And, avoid drugs and alcohol. Too much wine was NOT my friend after my break up, so I gave it up. Now I use that money to buy new clothes for a new me.

 

There's a lot of good stuff in that list, bummer. Thanks!!!

[bummer]

Another variant I use is to assume she's already out with other guys. Since it makes me disgusted and sick to think about, it helps me move on from the false hope. Can't let her win.

 

Good call on not abusing drugs and alcohol. Had a bender but the morning after was worse and filled with sad thoughts on top of a hangover.

Edited May 12, 2016 by bummer

[Littlematt]

Great post

 

Will use these techniques after finding out my ex had moved on

[bummer]

Anger: Apparently anger is a normal step in grief management but after about 2 weeks I'm finding it myself! I am very angry at her and the situations and circumstances which drove her to dump me. As I explore my pain and sadness for her moving on, I find I'm pulling my mind more and more towards anger and resentment. She left me long ago. Why should I be sad? She's the immature and stupid one for not trying. She's abandoning me instead of making an effort for her supposed love for me. She wouldn't have left if she didn't think it was the best thing for her. So she can f herself.

[bummer]

Time. Sleep is almost normal after three weeks but I'll wake myself either with happy or sad thoughts about the relationship. She keeps texting breadcrumbs asking about missing things and where I am. Each message tugs a bit but I try to delete and forget them as quickly as possible.

 

Really the best coping technique is time. Time and more time. Still miss her and wish she wanted to work on things but each day nails the coffin lid tighter and helps me move back to respecting my own self worth. If she wanted me she would be with me.

[SixxChick]

If she wanted me she would be with me.

 

Yep. That's it in a nutshell.

[bummer]

Well I failed, LS. I responded to her crumbs and n I now I pay the price.

 

when she broke up with me I forgot a nice carpet rug I loaned her for her room. When we last spoke I said she could keep it until she found someone else. This assumed she would take months by herself and maybe come back to me.

 

She reached out again a few days ago to see how I was I said ok, you? And she doesn't respond for a few days. then says "can i return the rug."

 

my heart sank reading this but replied yes of course but couldn't help the slight on her to say that was quick.

 

She blows up and runs through all the negative things I did to her and how I abandoned her and was never really invested and how she agreed she pulled away months ago. She also dropped the heavy bombs by saying the new guy is pretty perfect and it just happened. Right.

 

So she wins. I quit my job for her to return to a broken relationship for two months before she quit then two weeks later she's with a perfect guy and just layers on the negativity and guilt.

 

I sent a final text after this several hour barrage saying this isn't who we are or were and I congratulated her on moving on (nicely) and thanked her for her time.

 

Then Really blocked her completely. Like obliterated her contact and blocked her number.

 

The end... and the beginning of real no contact with this heartless beast.

[Souldier1234]

Dear One

 

Do not be hard on yourself.

Know this... the most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but who we are. Do not see this as a personality flaw but a character building experience that you have brought forward.

 

If you ex is still blaming you and criticizing the relationship and is not conscious enough to see that her behavior is a function of her decisions and not outside conditions, then she is a reactive person. Such a person, will bring you endless suffering as they choose to be unconscious, to live in their ego, in their mind. To be conscious is to be self aware, to know that your behaviors is a product of your own conscious choices, based on values. Rather than being unconscious and and being a product of your conditions, based on feeling.

 

Your ex may be choosing feelings to feed her ego mind set over values and truth. Reactive people will never take responsibility for their life, words or actions as everything is somebody or somethings fault for their unhappiness. Therefore anyone who she dates her after you, will always seem "perfect", a lie that the ego feeds itself to stay alive and superficially "Happy".

Reading stories on LS will show you, how many people start their stories by stating that their partners were perfect in the beginning, but years later, they are unhappy and crying on LS. No relationship is perfect, no human is perfect. For if one were to be perfect, that would imply that they could not grow or evolve, and evolution is need in humanity otherwise you will suffer, physically, spiritually or psychologically.

 

Dear bummer, know that you are no more a reactive person like your ex. You have more power and happiness and meaning in your life than what other people and things can make you feel or believe. Today, in this present moment, and going forward, you are empowered. Your salvation, your control, you discipline and mastery over yourself and life is always with you and is invested in the endless love for yourself. The greater love in you, the greater love in your Being, nature and existence! Today and moving forward, you are a pro active person and your wisdom from this life situation will bring rewards and blessings in you life and will end suffering in your life situations.

 

I have always stated that, there are no losers in life, if you not winning, then you are learning. And out of all the confusion and pain that has come into your life, you will rise Victorious, Wiser, Stronger and be conscious enough to find you true soul mate, as there is always more than one soul mate out there.

 

As a proactive person, know that love is a verb, reactive people make it a feeling. "Love" the feeling is the fruit of Love the verb. Keeping nurturing your self love and love for others and you will see your fruits come to harvest.

 

Take care Dear one

Edited May 29, 2016 by Souldier1234

[bummer]

Souldier,

 

Reading your reply and other posts has opened my eyes to many well-worded truths I knew but still do not know.

 

I know I could have done things better but the reality of trying to forge a long term bond of compromise and stability with a truly reactive emotional person was destructive. As I reflect on her last tirade of hate messages I see your wisdom clearly. There is no consciousness in her words, just empty feelings of guilt and hatred.

 

Thank you.

[bummer]

Meditation: I have spent the day with a Buddhist monk learning about meditation. While my mind still wanders ans I definitely haven't found peace or enlightenment, I think the basic calming effect of meditation, breathing, and letting go helps. I mention telling myself to "let it go" or "not now" in the initial thread, but the monk offered a new technique. I'm paraphrasing, but for purification, your senses sense an object and your mind knows it. The key to meditation is not letting thoughts drift past knowing into feelings, good/bad, attachment/desire, etc.

 

Your five senses and your heart -> an object or thought -> knowing that object or thought -----> attraction/good-bad/desire/New definition /searching.

 

To "cut" the thought train at knowing while meditating, when a thought arrises, say "not mine" and "I know" rapidly and try to refocus on breathing by focusing on the point between your nostrils. the idea is to rid the lust and attachment and the judgement for things in your head. You want to be blank.

 

Anyways, practically, when pangs of guilt or desire for the ex spring up, I close my eyes and remind myself that "I know" her and know these thoughts and that those thoughts and her are no longer "mine." As I breathe rapidly and flood my consciousness with "I know. Not mine." I find I calm down. Then if the thought creeping back I just continue until something else can distract my thinking mind.

[luck1978]

You are on the path of recovery Bummer, already you are becoming more self aware and growing from this, so see this is a positive experience. One technique I was taught in terms of mourning was to shift the focus away from her and back to me. What I mean here is instead of mourning the loss of her, mourn the loss of yourself- the person you were during that relationship, as you are now changing into a newer stronger version of your old self. Meditate on saying goodbye to the person you were in that relationship and feel the energy and power emerging from the new you, a person who is not dependant on someone else for validation. This is a new you!

 

A major area that people get stuck in (myself included) is not accepting this new life a head of you and embracing it, people yearn for the fantasy of the security and safety they had before and can sometimes not move on from this, but that is gone now. Besides security and safety is boring! Acceptance and embracing the now and in the moment living is all part of the healing.

[bummer]

What I mean here is instead of mourning the loss of her, mourn the loss of yourself- the person you were during that relationship, as you are now changing into a newer stronger version of your old self.

 

Thanks luck1978,

 

Part of my grieving now is my anger for the old me She stole when I was begging and pleading. I had so much self confidence and felt comfortable with girls before her. Now I'm a bit shaken because I think of her and how I lost all self respect when I threw everything at saving the relationship she already left. She did teach me many things about empathy and true vulnerability, but for now I am mad for my loss of self and know I should focud on me and not the loss of her. Thanks.

[Chant]

11. Watch this and laugh:

 

Thanks for this. This one really made me laugh.