perspective and projection

[healthyhopes]

Just some thoughts

 

I read a book a while back that spoke about relative truth and absolute truth. Like, relative truth is how the world around us operates in accordance to ourselves, while absolute truth is how it operates in accordance with itself, reality, etc. For the most part, we are confined to our own perspectives, and truth and how we see it is relative.

 

As I've been scowering through breakup boards (here and enotalone), I've found many who put things in our ex-lover's mouths. There's a thread on enotalone called "ex denying his feelings to come back" or something like that. Though the writer could point out some things which indicated feelings (him kissing her, him holding her, talking to her, et cetera), he did tell her he had none. And the only person who knows this, would be her ex.

It's true that love is large and complicated thing, and perhaps isn't as easy and clean cut as we make it; a lot of times dumpers do come back claiming love, and really are denying their feelings to come back. But also, the only person who would know this for sure, once again, would be the ex.

 

 

Yesterday, someone who is very into me (and who I am certain is idealizing me, considering how sterile all of our interactions are, how little he knows me, et cetera) admitted to having feelings for me. We had met two times prior-- once in the summer (where we first met, at a concert) and then later in the fall, when we went to a concert together. When I rejected him (for numerous and accurate reasons-- I told him that I felt like I didn't know him well at all, like he didn't know me either, et cetera) he brought up that he felt like we really had a connection the one time we saw each other, and that we had a connection in a few text message conversations that were sent.

To be honest, while I did enjoy hanging out with this kid during the concert, I quickly lost interest as his skyrocketed. He has texted me every day since, and in all my flakey glory, I still feel no connection.

 

So with my ex fwb, who I admit I am still hung up on, I think I am projecting too. At this point in time, of course, it's very easy for me to say "No! That has to be the truth, in at least some sense..." but it's not, I don't think. And even if it is, there is no way of knowing. When I look back and I remember us cuddling, his jealousy, us talking every night, etc I can say "See! He did have feelings!" or "he was attached in some way!" or when he said that I knew him better than others "See! there was a connection!" but evidently, if any of that was true, we probably would have been together. He did tell me, straight and to the point, after all, that he had no feelings. Later said that he would never date me. There would be no reason to lie in any of these cases, I think. And in any case, to soothe my own ego, I can say that it is true, just not to my extent.

 

Similar can be said with the break up scenario, when you see your ex looking at you as if he's sad. What does it mean? We all want to say that he regrets it, misses you, et cetera. But if he doesn't reach out (my ex fwb did, with something absolutely minuscule and irrelevant, so it doesn't matter anyways. And I think he may have been having issues with his current gf in this time period anyways), it doesn't mean anything still, and it's just our own mind trying to make meaning out of something that isn't clear to us, as sad as this all is to say.

 

Of course, there are some discrepancies. Ex fwb made it clear that he did want to see me and that he did want to talk to me. I always felt awkward speaking to this kid who is into me. That didn't stop me from inviting him to a school dance. Which was evidently extremely cruel from my end. But in defense of exes everywhere (in regards to breadcrumbs, and the like), I have no idea why I did it.

 

(though one explanation would be my friends wanting me to "give him a chance". However, if I really didn't want to, I probably wouldn't have done so)

[healthyhopes]

I hope the things I'm writing today make sense.... I'm extremely tired and have been feeling down all day, out of the blue and what had originally been a great week.