He knew what he was doing to me

[artnoveau]

If the whole dealing with loss thing really comes with five stages I'm in the anger state right now.

I'm so ****ing angry.

I realized that my ex knew what he was doing to me. The whole time.

 

He was totally into me at the beginning, started to distance himself pretty soon, because I wasn't perfect, as he expected me to be, and then he kept stringing me along, but never commiting fully.

I know already that he has a problem with commitment and has done this to other girls before me.

I always thought he was doing it unconsciously. But - and I don't know why it took me so long to get this - he knew what he was doing.

All the time he was stringing me along, never letting me go but not commiting either, he knew exactly how it was going to end: with him bailing. He knew it a few weeks in, but stayed with me for another seven months.

I thought we were walking a thin line where my actions would actually influence the outcome. I thought if I could be nice, loving, understanding, sexy and uncomplicated, we'd stay on that side of the line where we are a couple.

And he admitted, that exept for the sexy part - thank you very much - I was perfect and that there was a connection (though not love) and that I had gotten further than any other girl. So I thought it was just a matter of trying and tackling that one problem (of him suddenly loosing sexual interest).

After the break up I realized that I could not have done anything to make him happy and make him attracted to me again, because he can't commit and he needed to keep a way out of this relationship open. Had it not been the sexual attraction he would have (looked for and) found another problem with me.

 

But realizing that he knew all the time that whatever I did wouldn't change anything; the fact that he didn't even believe with a tiny part that it might work out if we tried - that makes me incredible angry and ashamed.

He was totally fine with doing that to me. With knowing in advance that he would hurt me eventually. But he kept being with me, because it was nice and convenient. And he has done it before.

So I'm basically an object, that he used and discared. An object like any of the other girls. And he is going to feel sorry about it, for a bit. Because he doesn't want to be a bad person.

But he has felt sorry about all the other girls before and eventually will do the same to another girl. And I will be completely forgotten, at most a shameful detail of his past, while to me he will be someone I have been in love with and wanted to spend my life with.

 

And I want to tie him up to a chair and just keep hitting him, to loose that anger of being used and of being unimportant.

I want to write him angry messages, because I think he doesn't deserve to get away with it.

I know it won't change anything. I know that I have no influence or power over him, while he still has so much over me.

But its the first time I'm truly thinking about breaking NC, because I can't think of any negative outcome of this scenario.

 

So I was hoping anybody might have any tips on how to deal with this anger.

Because I feel so powerless and I hate this feeling.

Edited January 2, 2016 by artnoveau

[MzLady]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I have been there. Not only do you feel powerless, but used and disrespected.

 

Whatever you do.. Don't contact him.. You are only giving him more power. What's going to happen after you text him? I'll tell you.. He's going to read it and be like whatever... While you 1. Look desperate and/or crazy. And 2. You will be sitting there waiting for a response that may never come.

 

You already know he's an ass.. Nothing you say or do is going to change him.. You already tried that and it didn't work. Please don't contact him. Delete his # for your own good. I wish you the best of luck

[LilMama1097]

My non professional opinion.......

He has commitment issues (clearly) but he really liked you and stuck it out hoping something would click so he could finally have the "one." But at some point realized it's just not happening and did you both a favor by ending it.

He is a commitmentphobe so no matter how perfect you are, he just couldn't do it. What a sad life for him man.

I'm sorry you had to be the next victim of his bull sh*t.

[artnoveau]

My non professional opinion.......

He has commitment issues (clearly) but he really liked you and stuck it out hoping something would click so he could finally have the "one." But at some point realized it's just not happening and did you both a favor by ending it.

He is a commitmentphobe so no matter how perfect you are, he just couldn't do it. What a sad life for him man.

I'm sorry you had to be the next victim of his bull sh*t.

 

Thank you.

Reading this made my anger go away.

He did tell me, that he kept trying to fall in love with me. I didn't believe him, because he never actively tried to work on what he saw as a problem. He wouldn't even talk about it.

But he said he was trying and hoping he'd fall in love with me. So I guess that I wasn't completely worthless to him.

I'm just glad that in the end I started to be demanding or else it would have gone on longer.

[artnoveau]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I have been there. Not only do you feel powerless, but used and disrespected.

 

Whatever you do.. Don't contact him.. You are only giving him more power. What's going to happen after you text him? I'll tell you.. He's going to read it and be like whatever... While you 1. Look desperate and/or crazy. And 2. You will be sitting there waiting for a response that may never come.

 

You already know he's an ass.. Nothing you say or do is going to change him.. You already tried that and it didn't work. Please don't contact him. Delete his # for your own good. I wish you the best of luck

 

And I have managed not to write him so far and feel less of a need to.

Thank you!

[countingstarsagain]

thanks for sharing your story. i'm in the same boat. dated my ex for 5 years only to find out he doesn't see himself getting married. like wtf. great to know that now that you've strung me along all this time. i'm also in the angry phase if it isn't obvious haha. sorry you're going through this. i subconsciously knew he wasn't 100% settled on me so i also kept trying to be the most amazing person i could be. i had an epiphany today that no matter anything i could have done, at the end of the day, he is just too psychologically broken to love someone in return. at least now we're free from their bullsh*t. hopefully the next men that enter our lives won't be commitmentphobes. and if they are, we will be able to pick up on that sooner and move along.

also, i would like to say that i enjoy the angry phase much more than the sad phase.

keep going! some day this mess will just be a foggy distant memory.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself to the gym and punch/kick the crap out of a punching bag!! Release that anger, pretend the hanging thing IS your ex!

 

Just knowing now who he truly is and what a shi.t he was to you, it's good that anger is there as it'll help push you away from tears and move you into completely letting go and realizing the guy isn't worthy of ANY MORE tears, ANY MORE thoughts or for him to be in your head. Here's something..... He isn't thinking of you. At all. Does that piss you off? I hope so! Now go to that gym!

[whichwayisup]

And I have managed not to write him so far and feel less of a need to.

Thank you!

 

DO NOT write him. He...doesn't...care. Don't give him that power over you, he doesn't deserve to ever hear from you again. Vent here if you feel the need to reach out to him.

[2mehappiness]

Hi Artnoveau,

 

It has been a awhile . I hope you are doing better. Your post has brought back alot of memories for me. I too, was very angry at him at one point. I thought he had played me. I wish he would have been upfront and honest with me and have the decency to tell me that he is a commitment phobe and could have not given me what I wanted. Instead, I entered the relationship like a giddy little girl thinking that we could build a life together. I wish he would have told me that he had issues of committing so i wouldnt spend months and months walking on eggshells thinking that I wasnt good enough for him and lost all my self esteem in the process.

 

I truly believed he tried to "love" me the best to his ability, but he couldnt and was too too selfish to tell me. I was angry at him. I couldnt understand how this person I love didnt even have the decency or the balls to tell me. But that anger eventually turned into sadness. I felt very sad for him, almost a pity that he couldnt love anyone. I know he is going to continue this pattern and I feel bad for the next girl that is going to get her heart broken. I stopped being angry because anger takes too much energy and I would rather divert that energy to somewhere/something else that is worthy of my attention. I find it alot easier to try to let go and move forward in life. I am alot happier knowing that I no longer have to be in a toxic relationship and I dont have to think or worry about anyone but myself. Try to dwell on the past and move forward Artnoveau. You now hold the key to your present and the future. So focus on yourself and work on yourself. It is going to be a great and fun journey. You are going to discover many new things about yourself.

[testmeasure]

I had a good relationship for almost a decade. Finally we started a family. That brought out childhood issues she had. The whole situation turned into a nightmare that lasted a year.

 

By the time that year was over, the level of hostility and anger my ex had for me was an every day reality. I had some ideas as to why, and came to more fully understand the dynamics much later.

 

It sounds like you have a firm understanding of how your ex was and why he was that way.

 

These people are what they are. Given their nature they do what they do.

 

A hurricane is what it is and does what it does because of that.

 

There is loss and damage but there isn't any point to being angry at a hurricane.

 

People spend a lot of time on negative emotions because they create an imaginary world where things are different.

 

People say I want to go to the beach but I have to go to work. And they might be a little angry or depressed about it.

 

What is happening is they are imagining a world in which there is no consequence to blowing off work and going to the beach. Their emotional reaction to that imaginary world is the desire to go to the beach.

 

Meanwhile they have an overriding emotional reaction to the real world how it actually is. In the real world there are consequences to blowing off work. So, in the real world they actually want to go to work.

 

Once you understand what something is and why it is that way, don't spend any time wishing or imagining it could be different.

 

Another aspect here is, there are things that can't be known without hindsight. Even when you come to suspect there is a problem, that's not the same as being sure of it. There is no justification for beating yourself up, self doubt or questioning yourself over something you could not have known or could not have been sure of.

 

You're only wasting your time if something passes the point where you are sure of what is true but for some reason still cling to whishing or imagining it different.

 

 

.

Edited January 11, 2016 by testmeasure

[artnoveau]

Thank you so much for all the replies.

I only noticed them and they helped me trough a difficult day.

(I did a rant of how I ran into my ex in a separate thread already, so I'm not gonna repeat it here.)

 

I had mostly worked through the anger.

Comparing the whole thing to a hurricane helped.

Simply because you can't be mad at a hurricane. It dehumanizes him and I think this way what he has done to me is easier to take.

 

I decided to start a blog though, writing about my relationships and break ups with those two guys, because I have noticed how much it has helped me to write and read on here.

So I thought I'd take it a step further.

 

If anyone wants to write on the same blog about their experiences with commitment phobes, I'd be glad to have you on.

Maybe 2mehappiness might like to share.

It has been so helpful talking to you.

 

(And I need to get a punching back and get that anger out. But I managed to not write him. After running into him he knows what I think of him anyway.)

[wildlife.assoc.]

I know you posted this a little while ago but I went through the exact same thing. He could never commit to me. He strung me along and let me believe our relationship was more than it is. He was an incredibly selfish person with a lot of problems. I truly believe that the only thing that could possibly fix his issues is therapy and probably pills. He blames our breakup on the fact that I had anxiety(caused by him). He said that he was too selfish to care about me so at least he kinda knows his problem.

 

It doesn't take away the fact that I still love him. I'm still embarrassed that I dated him while he hardly cared about me at all. But its been getting better. I hope things work out for you. I wish you luck.

[gls081209]

Hello OP-

 

Reading your post made me wonder if we dated the same person. I was with mine for almost 2 years. All the same characteristics as your ex. I thought if I was perfect, I'd make it easy for him to commit. When my mom died, he was so incredibly wonderful, supportive and even flew to my home town for the funeral and met my entire family. I thought it brought us closer. He took me home to meet his entire family.

 

Two weeks after the trip to his hometown and the week he closed on his new house after showing me where some of my stuff would go, he walked into my house, announced we had to break up because he never felt anything for me (although he was "optimistic" he would eventually feel something), left his keys, got his stuff and slammed the door in my dogs face. That was in July and I never heard a word from him again.

 

Like you, I AM PISSED! To be discarded like a piece of trash is cruel. I'm still sorting through my anger. I work out a lot. I talk to myself and plan my speech for all things I'd like to say to him (In reality, I wouldn't say a word because I take pride in staying classy and I like that everyone thinks he's an idiot and I didn't even have to say anything). I also Google search "detachment disorders" or psychopathy (as he fit those traits) to see if I can understand his lack of empathy.

 

Delete his number and any other means of communication to him. Blogging is awesome and helpful. I have a difficult time letting things go. I'm trying to beat it into my brain that he "loved" and "cared" to the best of his ability. In the six months of no contact, I'm still angry and hurt but I can say that I think of him like 75% of the time rather than 100% after it happened. It's a very slow process.

 

I have learned that I completely enjoy my own company and don't miss sharing my bed. Baby steps.

 

It will come for you too, sometimes when you don't even realize it. Stay strong!

[travelbug1996]

You say that he knew it but you knew it as well. It takes two to tango and when he started distancing himself that was your cue to leave and run in the opposite direction but you didn't. You hung in there hoping that things would change knowing in your heart that he was unwilling to give his all to you.

 

I don't think you're angry at him but moreso angry with yourself.

 

Let it go......the anger, him, all of it. Lesson learned. Don't beat yourself up just pay attention the next time you run into Mr unavailable and run like hell.

 

Most of us girls have run into him. I can smell him a mile away now. lol

 

chin up keep moving:bunny: