I'm completely worn out

[DJOkawari]

Hey guys and gals, I apologize for this being so long. I tried to trim it down. I've read it over a few times, I don't think it is so bad.

 

The initial break up was over a year ago, we finally broke our last attempt off 9 months ago. I (M, 25) still wake up each day and think about her (F, 23). Every "xth" of the month I think about how old she is, what her life is like now. This thanksgiving I thought a lot about how 3 years prior we met, 2 years prior our anniversary...etc. I'm just wallowing in memories. Wallowing in the number of times we told each other we'd never felt this way about anyone else and how we'd be together forever. She'd been in a lot of relationships and it wasn't my first rodeo either, so I really believed it. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my apartment, I have all the stuff she gave me/left here - I don't look at it and it hasn't moved for months, but I don't have the courage to throw them out.

 

I was in NC until she tried to contact me 3 months ago. She sent a superfluous message, just looking to talk (concerned about my health when she knew I was fine), I was polite and it ended after a few messages. She's been dating someone for around 6+ months - went though a rebound and then a sleeping around stage before that - so, I mean...it's 100% over. I'm not sure what I'm holding out on. I don't think I've missed a day thinking about her.

 

Often I'm sad, often I fantasize, sometimes I'm angry her, sometimes me, sometimes the world. I'm just stuck.

 

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On a different note, my life is actually pretty great. I own my apartment in a big city and I work as an engineer and a model. I was close to losing both jobs towards the end/in the aftermath of my relationship. Managed to keep both and even get promoted. I have a bunch of other hobbies and interests that have come out of the woodwork. I'm in my best physical condition, according to facebook I've met 3x the people this year than I did in the 2 years I spent with her combined. In the year that I've been single I dealt with a lot of my mental issues of anxiety at: parties, while dancing, expressing myself, and while meeting new people. I stopped being a pot head. I've had a lot of unique experiences, traveling around the world and dating around. I don't say "no" to life any more. I'm so much more into music and in touch with myself. In a way I'm a lot closer to the guy she met 3 years ago, than I am to the guy I was towards the end of it all. That just hurts more.

 

I try not to think about her but it is almost the first thing I do each day and the last thing I do at night. As I try to grow and progress, I keep running into her ghosts everywhere. In a lot of ways, I have even more in common with my memory of her than before.

 

Finally, we always made plans to end up in a particular city. Those plan benefited what I wanted in life and her as well. She moved a while ago, I'm not sure when but my friend who lives there told me about it. He also asked me if he could ask her out, directly after I told him how heartbroken I was over it all, so I cut that guy out of my life. But anyway, my life is progressing and I'm supposed to end up there in a few months. The deal is beneficial to me, I keep my jobs and get even more opportunities for work and fun, I get to rent out my apartment down here, and I will live rent free because I'm owed a favor. I'm going through with it for sure...it's just a smart decision. On the other hand, I'll be back in the same city and her and there are way too many emotions tied to that for me to be 100% comfortable.

 

I figured I'd be over her by now. I've still got 3 or so months until the move, so maybe something will change but right now I'm just playing this frustrating, grating record over and over in my mind.

 

Most people who meet me think my life is perfect and that I'm happy. What have I got to be sad about? I cut the "positives" paragraph up there short, because **** it, I want help, I'm not here to brag - I just wanted you guys to see where I am coming from. In fact all these "good" things in my life wouldn't have been possible without the break up. It's obviously been a great thing for me - I'm just miserable.

 

My closest friends know my predicament, and they see me meet lots of girls and I go through the motions, I ask for numbers, I try my best to find something meaningful but each girl can see I'm damaged goods. Recently, I've given up on all that - it isn't fair to anyone, I'm just wasting time. My friends are pretty concerned I've given up, they want me to at least try tinder if I can't have a serious relationship. I can't even put in that effort.

 

I just want all of this to ****ing end. Thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

EDIT: In our last interaction (9 months ago) I was a complete nervous wreck. Maybe I could "win" her back or something, but what would I be winning? I try not to think about it. Ah, also, she owes me money that I'm too emotional to get (I'd have to send her some paperwork and, well, first I'd have to open some channel of communication - all things I don't feel ready for yet).

Edited November 28, 2015 by DJOkawari

[preraph]

You sound a bit like I used to be. I had a wonderful life, nice gang of friends to socialize with out, great career, went out regularly to gigs, tried to keep my face on. But I would be struggling with one relationship loss or another (two back to back during that time), coping with seeing them wherever I went and, yes, with people I thought I could trust trying to date or sleep with them. And like you, I cut them out, and I have no regrets there.

 

I am a female, now 63. I kept a journal all those years and after a long depression, that journal is what made me remember who I am and what all I've weathered and get back to myself after a particularly hard hit personally and careerwise. Looking back, I see a person with a very exciting life who can look back and enjoy the memories of the great things I did, great bands I saw, great people I met, and see that the good overcame the bad in the long term. Many of those nights, I was a walking zombie, just going through the motions, heartbroken inside, deeply in pain, but I'd eventually learned that I was too slow to heal to just let myself hole up for very long, so I put on my favorite music while I did my makeup and psyched myself up to at least look like I was having fun, and despite being in such a bad state, I did have moments of joy from the things I loved, even while my heart was torn.

 

I say all this to tell you a couple of things. One is the higher you climb, the harder you fall. The stronger you are, the more you have to lose, the more devastating the fall. And the worst part of that is perhaps that because you have it all, you get very little sympathy from friends who on some level may just think "Why should I feel sorry for him? He's a lucky guy, he had his day and his day is done." So you end up really alone with no one who seems to understand that your pain is strong, just as you are strong. It's proportionate to your strength. It's a lot.

 

The good news is you are doing exactly the right things by keeping active and making yourself do things you enjoy even though you're not much in the mood to enjoy them. It little by little picks you up and adds quality to your life. It makes you proud of yourself because even if no one else gets it, you know how hard it was to put your boots on and put one foot in front of another. Living well is the best revenge. In addition to what you're doing, I would also recommend you volunteer doing something maybe an hour or two a week. This will help give you some perspective, but more importantly, it will also make you feel better about yourself, and make others feel better about you. You know, wow, he's going through a hard time, but he still takes time to help others (or animals, whatever).

 

My ultimate challenge was I actually had to work up the willpower to work with one of my exes for some years or miss a critical turn in my career. I don't recommend it, but that was my particular path. I don't wish it on you or anything like it. But sometimes when you're on similar paths, those paths just keep recrossing and you have to drain yourself to get through it.

 

The more things you do and the more active you remain, the quicker you will move from one phase of life to another and the more distractions you'll have and if you're lucky one of them will become a deserving new romantic focus. Do continue to throw out people who try to eat your scraps and can't be trusted. Keep focused on your career and don't let that slide. Try new things. If you find the fog simply won't lift, then by all means get on some Prozac or something. It won't cure a broken heart, but it will make you feel lighter, so I'm told. Sometimes your mind gets in a rut from thinking about something too much -- and definitely the best cure for that is loading it with new unrelated memories to crowd out the old ones.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 28, 2015 by preraph