Suicidal. depression. not able to decide

[Riya.1]

Hi, I am 29 female from India. I wanted to share my story and need a advice.

 

Aplogies for the errors as my first language is not English.

I feel I have been very unlucky in my life so far. I am godfearing, pious,animal lover and I reckon I have not hurt anybody till date. I also feel I put my needs and desires at last.

To start with, I am a beautiful girl; For these reasons I was raped when I was 18 years old by a goon who was ugly as devil and was of my father's age. He was my Father's friend. Me and my family had to undergo social bullying and humiliation for this incident. News was spread On TV channels and Publications. My friends left fearing the terror of Goon. After a year of this incident I gathered my strength somehow, thanks to my routine prayers. I gave full attention to work and studies. I again gathered my confidence and I believed I was a succesful independent women by the age of 22.

 

Soon I had started feeling empitiness and loneliness. This is when a guy entered in my life. We started dating and fell for each other. I always felt that my parents will not agree for getting me married to him cause he belonged to different religion and also somewhere I knew that he is not as per my expectations. It was just that as I was afraid of loneliness hence I continued this relationship. My career was at boom but I felt that I deserve a break from work after marriage as I have been working consistenly since teenage.

 

In India parents and children live to gether even after marriage. As my partner was not capable financially he wanted to move to Australia. This was totally against my will as I am too attached to my parents and wanted to stay back in the city so that I could look after my parents in old age.

There's no body to look after them. To this, he said if I wouldn't support him in this, he would not be able to commit about marriage. I felt afraid and I agreed. My parents stopped talking to me cause they didn't wanted us to get maried. We are legally married in court. We moved in Australia in 2012 where In I was suposed to study again, which I hated. Despite my hatred I persued studies but our relationship was not doing that well. He use to watch porn till late nights ,I do not like him watching porn. He said it is absoulutely normal as it is not hinering our sexual life and Guys do watch porn. whenever he got privacy he watched porn. He has this habit of having a glance at Girls who are in short clothes or in BIkini. Even I wear short clothes but i feel shy to expose my cleavage and butt cheeks like girls in Australia. When I confront him he says he is watching normally like he does to any guy who is passing by. His intentions are not bad.

 

I am not sure if I am worng at stopping him from watching porn or from watching girls who passes by.

 

We had arguments which turned into physcial violence. Sometimes I slap him and he slaps me harder or sometimes he slaps me if I abuse his family and him verbally. He is aplogetic after such abuses but as I said I always get harder abuse in return. Most of time I start physical abuse on which I get very much harder abuse in return. However he has started physical abuse as well many a times.he doesn't allows me to move out of this realtionship. I am patient of arthirities since last 5 years and pain makes me paralysed sometimes. He takes care of me when I am not well.

 

I feel inconfident and insecure to move out of this relationship. I am in depression and feel like attempting suicide. I do not know whether I am wrong or right. I love my parents very much but they do not talk to me at all cause I married him against their will. I have lost lots of confident.

What should I do?

[marcusdevilliers]

Im of indian descent so i understand the culture and everything. im sorry for everything youve been through. its a cruel world out there. Suicide is never the answer for anything. your young, your beautiful and your smart. you have alot to live for, and you have yourself to live for.

 

Dont do whats best for everyone else. its time you put yourself and your happiness first. if you miss home and your parents so bad you know what to do. your partner should understand that and be willing to go the extra for you just as you did for him.

 

I know how indian parents are when it comes to these things , they can be pretty strict. but reach out to them and try to patch things back up. If the relationship your in right now isnt good you leave. you do whats best for you and you look after you and your own hapiness. its gonna be hard, but at the end of the day you need to be happy. do things for yourself. you will be fine ok.

[Samhain]

First of all, suicide is never an answer, and the only time people ever think it is is because they need an end to a temporary problem. But that end is permanent. You should not be hitting your partner any more than he should be hitting you. If you were a man on here saying you hit your woman and she hits you back, people would be saying you deserve it.

 

You suffered something nobody should ever have to go through and maybe that is what draws you to destructive relationships and more importantly, destructive behavior.

 

You can choose whatever you want to do in life, and your parents will be absolutely fine regardless. When they are gone, you will be alive, will you sacrifice your future to avoid upsetting them in the present? Or as parents will they accept you need happiness and respect your choices.

 

Either way stop abusing your partner/s and atleast try and get some kind of help for that because it is not cool to physically abuse anyone,male or female.