Chronograph Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 NC helped me in the first weeks and months to get on my feet. However, I would have never reached the point where I am right now, if I would have stuck to it completely. Only through actually looking at what kind of guy he has become, his behavior after the breakup, so only because of contact I can now fully let go. I'm still grieving, I'm still not over it (it's been fifteen years and the breakup is six months ago) but my perspective on him has changed. My hope (and wish to be in touch with him) has been killed. I'm just that kind of person, who needs to look at the facts, who needs to really see the truth in order to understand and let go. Otherwise my heart doesn’t understand, otherwise my mind starts to obsess over possibilities. Would I have stayed NC I would now still hope and think he might think of me, he might regret it, he might actually not be with this other girl cause maybe it didn't work out. Cause in NC the truth is that you can never know for sure. It's this "maybe" that would never allow me to let go. It wouldn’t even allow me to be angry. Through contact I found out that he is a cold and narcissistic *******, and I have found out that he actually is in a new relationship already (I had assumed it but never knew it for sure). I needed that. Yes, it hurts but I was hurt in NC too. At least now I know what is happening. My mind would have built way too much hope in NC. I don't know if others can relate and I don't mean to speak against NC here. I'm just sharing my experience with it. Now I'm at the point where I’m completely sure that I don’t want him back, that there never will be a way back, that he and I are so different and that his character has too many features that I will never be able to understand. I’m not even interested in a loose friendship, or in fact any sort of contact anymore. I can see how different he is from me and still love myself more. What a liberation! Before I thought “well, but we’ve been together for so many years, I cannot all of a sudden stop caring about him as a person completely, I wonder if he’s alright”, bla bla (even though he left me). Now that I’ve learned that he is actually doing just that (stop caring even about the basic question if I’m alive and well) my anger is in full bloom and that helps immensely. I know it will pass, too, like everything. But at least now I know this is it. Definitely and forever. Before I could not and did not believe it. I guess what I’m saying is: every breakup is different, do what you feel you need to do. NC is no bad advice, it can be the best for a while, especially in the beginning, but it is unfortunately not the golden rule that always helps best in every case forever. Alas there is no such thing as a magic bullet for coping with heartache. All the best to everyone who has to cope with a breakup. We will get through it! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Deadmeat Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Thank you for this. I woke up today contemplating contacting her. Not necessarily to reconcile but to understand what exactly happen. I feel like as if I were able to empathize with her, it may be able to bring some sort of closure. I am not over her however and evem though I have not spoken to her in some time, I know if I reach out a piece of me will still want her back. I will hold off for now but will probably shoot her a text in the future when I am in a different place. In time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
luck1978 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I agree totally. NC has to be applied to your unique situation and should only be used as a self protection when you are emotionally charged and need to recover your strength and logic. NC should not be seen as something that HAS to be carried on indefinitely as every situation is different. It should however be used to get yourself back on track and when you no longer have painful emotions overuling your decisions then you can begin to think about making contact again provided you know exactly why you are doing it. Like I said every situation is unique and I think everyone needs to not feel guilty for making contact if the situation requires 'adult' conversations to be had. I would suggest that NC should be a month minimum though! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chronograph Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yeah, I agree. NC is really helpful in the immediate aftermath. And for the first months. Absolutely. But if you cannot stop obsessing over the possibility he or she might come back or want you back at some point ... reaching out and taking an honest look at reality can help, too. Sigh, I just wish this whole **** would not be so painful, NC or no NC. Link to post Share on other sites
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