Talks of Reconciliation and The Break Up

[Mr. Disposable]

My ex and I broke up on Halloween of this year.

 

We fought over some petty things and the stress of school and our constant bickering over the last two months of our relationship lead to the break up.

 

We stopped talking for a few days, got together, talked, and everything seemed pretty hopeful. I thought we could work things out.

 

However, her emotions were up and down and the damage was done. She started behaving very strangely telling me that she was depressed, losing her mind, anxious, not sleeping, not eating, and didn't know who she was anymore.

 

I guess she got lost in the relationship. We both did. The white knight and the needy dame. She's in grad school and after our fight, her father no longer approved of our relationship and let her know as much.

 

All of these things and the fact that I dropped out of my program to try to help with reconciliation (I already have two degrees, no big deal to me), didn't make a bit of difference.

 

Our meetings post break up were messy. Love and I'm sorry's one day. I'm crazy and too stressed for this the next.

 

I realize that my impatience with NC and the way that things had changed between us ultimately led to this. I'm heartbroken. I'm seeing a therapist and trying to fix my communication issues.

 

I'm in a ton of pain and want to talk to her very, very badly. It feels like I want to give up on everything. A very hard thing for me to admit.

 

More details can be seen here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/555934-knee-jerk-break-up-nc-first-24-hours

 

If anyone can help me with getting through this difficult time, I'd really appreciate it. I love her. I still love her and that's the hardest part.

 

Our attempts at fixing things came to a close after a very erratic day yesterday.

 

She texted me all day letting me know that she felt like she was going crazy. One minute she would apologize for behaving so irrationally and for not being strong enough for me. The next she'd be texting furiously about how some of her needs weren't being met.

 

Whenever I offered suggestions, there seemed to be a roadblock to every one. We can't go back to the way things were. My dad doesn't approve. I can't accept your help, I just can't find it in me. I'm depressed, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

 

It was a whirlwind. By the end of yesterday I had had enough and texted her lovingly, saying I was sorry and that I couldn't continue if she was just going to push me away.

 

Ultimately, she flipped the script on me and managed to break up with me at the end of the night (still not sure how that happened ).

 

As I was crying (hysterically), she told me that she was going to talk to her dad and that maybe that would make things better. That she couldn't leave me like this and that she would call me back. I said "No." and hung up the phone.

 

My life is a mess right now

Edited November 10, 2015 by Mr. Disposable

[Mr. Disposable]

No texts, no calls, and I feel like I'm in complete agony. I'm not sure what to do, but I feel completely lost and worthless.

[Omei]

Stay no contact....its going to hurt and you're going to be sad, take some time to grieve you can sleep, eat, watch tv, sleep again do that for a few days/weeks then start hanging out with your friends and family as much as you can do things with others to keep your mind off things.

[Mr. Disposable]

I told her that I loved her today and that I wished things were different.

 

She simply replied with "Thank you."

 

My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I have no idea why I didn't just stay NC or what is wrong with me.

 

I feel empty and broken and worthless. Mr. Disposable.

 

I have never felt more pain in my entire life. Someone please, help me.

[Friggia]

When I have time later, I'll write you a PM. I also have a depressed ex and I can give you some insight into their confusing, painful and conflicting behaviors.

[SixxChick]

When I have time later, I'll write you a PM. I also have a depressed ex and I can give you some insight into their confusing, painful and conflicting behaviors.

 

Can you please provide some insight, Friggia? Because this is what I am dealing with right now. It's confusing behavior that drives you nuts.

[Friggia]

As best I can.... I'll PM you as well.

[Friggia]

I'll post it here since you can't receive private messages, Mr. Disposable

 

Hello,

 

I found this bit of background on how depressed people behave, and it says mostly what I wanted to say. Although the first two focus on male and not female partners, I still think it applies to female partners also (having been depressed in the same way before). When I was depressed in the past, I also said some very insensitive and callous things to my now ex, who is now behaving the way that I used to behave!

 

Here they are:

 

1. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/when-a-depressed-partner-falls-out-of-love/

 

2. Trying to Find Hope After Your Partner Leaves - 1 ? Storied Mind

 

3.The Nature of Clinical Depression: Symptoms, Syndromes, and Behavior Analysis

 

 

I'm very sorry..... A little more than four months ago, my boyfriend and best friend of 8.5 years (though he considered himself to be my ex as I was still stupidly hanging on)and I were having a conversation about just friendly stuff, that didn't really end well when the quality of his responses started to drop off to the point where I was hesitant about whether or not he even wanted to continue the conversation. So, in that moment I let my emotions get the better of me and I decided to test him by responding with, "I'm running away to the end of the world."

 

His response? - "Have fun there."

 

And that was it. Out of nowhere, everything changed without any sort of explanation or any kind of resolution for me. I wrote him back that I loved him and I wanted to feel that he loved me too, but I never got a single word back from him in response.

 

And that's the reason why your post rang a bell for me. "Thanks"....... wow, the nerve of that girl, if you don't mind me saying.

 

But I also want you to know some other things that will give you insight into the confusing behaviors of depressed people.

 

1. Prior to this thing tangible break happening, my ex had told me that I was literally the only friend he had left in the world because he had completely cut off ALL of his former friends (which I was astonished to hear) and was refusing to speak to even his sister unless she verbally admonished him. Who heartlessly cuts off all their friends when they need those friends the most?

 

2. Anhedonia. This is VERY important to understanding depressed people - and my ex even admitted he had it!! They only want what they cannot have. And once they get it, they want something else because they are looking for an emotional high, and NOTHING will give it to them.

 

- Here is one case in point: My ex-boyfriend had been depressed before when he couldn't get a job as an engineer immediately upon graduating and I was supporting him financially. He also wanted the jobs that would allow him to travel the world and work on important projects. This used to keep him awake at night, crying. Well, at this point, he's quite literally achieved his dreams. He is a highly compensated and well-benefited engineer and he frequently travels to far-flung and interesting places like Australia, Japan, Germany, Peru, etc. doing very cool, project-based work, just exactly as he had wanted to do. Is he happy? No. In fact, he quite frankly told me that he is miserable. Whenever I told him how lucky he was to be in beautiful places, he always found multiple things to hate about it. Once, I asked him out of concern if he was happy in general, and he replied to me that if it weren't for being medicated he would have walked off alone into the Australian Outback, where he would die.

 

3. He moved across the country because he told me he hated our town, and wanted to escape because it held too many bad memories for him of our arguments and such. So he finally got a chance to get a clean start for himself, without me, in the city that he had always wanted to move to. Now that he's there, he told me that he felt nostalgic, listed multiple things that he hated about this new city (of course), and longs now to move back to the city he was trying to escape! Never satisfied....

 

But that's it in a nutshell. The defining mark of depression is self-absorption, and not really knowing what you want.

 

So, really to sum up, this isn't totally about you. It's about them and their inability to be happy at the moment. I can tell you from experience that nothing you say or do to them or for them will make them want to get better. It's totally up to them to come to that realization themselves, and do the work.

 

 

I know it hurts (believe me, it's hard), but try for the time being to get absorbed in a new hobby or something. It helps to become obsessed with something else for at least a while. You can also give yourself permission to cry to your heart's content. You have to make the choice to feel the emotions and let them move through you. When you feel the urge to contact your ex - - just stop and give yourself permission to cry. Your ACTING on contact is really just an attempt to avoid the reality that they are NUMB! They really are..... my ex told me himself.

 

About a year ago, I expressed to my ex that I was afraid of losing him.

 

His response to me was that I had lost him a long time ago.

 

I asked him what he meant by that. He replied that he meant that he hadn't "felt like himself" for a very long time.

 

Just realize that your ex is not feeling ANYTHING right now because they are sick in their head right now. Not because of anything you did.

 

Let me know if this helps!

[Friggia]

You can also take heart that feelings change. Drastically, sometimes. I once told my ex to his face that "I wanted a new boyfriend." Among other things along similar lines. And I really felt it at the time, that I didn't want to be with him.

 

Now, I'd do anything to get him back!

 

Things change in life, for better or for worse.

[Mr. Disposable]

Hi Friggia,

 

I apologize for not having responded to this months ago. I guess that I just needed to be away from the site and from the things that remind me of her. To a point this site is really helpful, but it started becoming an obsession and I needed a break.

 

Your post was sweet and I appreciate you trying to explain her behavior. The truth is that I will probably never know why things ended when they did or the way that they did. You're absolutely right, it was very painful and still is most days.

 

It's weird. I hadn't really been thinking about it constantly the way that I did at first. I mean...I won't lie. She still crosses my mind all of the time. It's just not a compulsive kind of thinking. It's a hurt that is always here in the background. Like white noise with an edge.

 

I stopped thinking about how long it has been until just today. Today makes 108 days since we broke up.

 

I was at a wedding last night and it brought up a ton of heartache for me. I drank, danced with the bride, and even flirted with a girl there. But that ache, that pain told me that I wasn't ready. I probably won't be for a very long time.

 

I just hope that this experience makes me a better man. Just a better person, even. Anyway, I have no idea why I'm writing. I doubt my story is that interesting.

 

I fell in love with someone and now they're gone. "Thanks."