A letter I wanted to send by mail to him, but instead sending it here.

[Bleepx6]

Dear E,

 

 

How’s it going? We haven't spoken in a month or so... Oh why am I asking, I know you’re doing better than okay. Nonetheless, I hope life has been treating you well since you left. I sincerely mean that. I know we shouldn’t be talking in order to heal and move on... plus I’ve been ignored many times– no hard feelings. But today I just need to talk to you even if it’s just through this letter.

 

 

A year ago, I wrote you a letter professing my love to you and hid it inside your laptop for you to read later on, your reaction was priceless. I’ve always wanted a handwritten letter from you, but I know I’ll never get one and you know what? It is completely okay. Despite your weakness in writing, frankly, it was the only kind of gift I wanted from you– not a wallet or a watch or a wine bottle or somewhere fancy to eat... just a simple love letter. As silly as it is now, I was angry at you about that for a very long time. A year later I’m writing to you about something I have no clue what the ending will be, I'm sorry in advance.

 

 

Seeing you again at the gym and going to school unexpectedly a few weeks ago was a gift. It seems you have forgiven me for hiding you the truth as to why I pushed you away, treating you similarly to how your mom treats your dad during fights, and telling your religious best friend the news. I’m glad. It– that means a lot to me. I'm also glad you approached me the moment I smiled at you, and you asked what's up, which I jokingly replied "the ceiling." You’ve lost a lot of weight and you look happier. I am so glad that you're happy. I've made my mess and it's mine to clean up. I'm not sorry for that– I'm learning a lot from it.

 

 

You were my lover, confidant, best friend and most importantly my rock. You knew my deepest, darkest secrets that I couldn’t confide to my own parents or anyone, and because of that I froze. I realized being my rock must have been so difficult for you to bear that I stayed silent so you wouldn’t feel pain, have panic attacks, or be traumatized. In a heartbeat I wanted to tell you what was going on inside me the day I found out that I needed, and silently begged for your support. However, sometimes silence doesn't help. I froze, was frightened and instead of confiding to my partner–pushed you away.

 

 

I hope you forgive me for all of that because despite the pain that you’ve done to me– I forgive you, and ultimately I forgive myself. I forgive myself for going through the abortion without your direct consent, I forgive myself for treating my pregnant body terribly as I wanted to numb the pain of heartbreak, I forgive myself for confiding to your best friend despite you telling me not to, I forgive myself for treating you poorly and seeking revenge. I ultimately, forgive myself for disrespecting my worth through begging to have some sort of your attention and love. I’ll look back at what I went through as something I stupidly did during my teenage years. Speaking of forgiveness, did you meet your counselor yet? If so, how is he/she? Either way please don't quit. I'm so relieved that you're going through with it. It's going to be difficult but I promise you it'll help, even if it's just a bit.

 

 

You’re honestly an amazing man, E. Despite your flaws (who doesn’t?) you’re every woman’s dream man. Part of me had a difficult time forgiving you because I thought you were "The One." That day my ex (who is now a friend) came to visit our university, I was so eager to introduce you to him. Not out of competition, rather show you off that you’re the man for me. Aside from that, it hurt when you abandoned me at the time I needed you the most. I stuck through every emotional and verbal abuse from you but let's be real, I too was abusive to you. I don't even want to blame being hormonal or my mental illness because I really was at the very least emotionally abusive to the person I loved. But the damage was done. You showed me that love isn't a fairy tale; nothing is for that matter. You also showed me that I am one strong woman to go through that traumatic procedure alone. This letter isn't an upset rant towards you, but a thank you for showing me how love really works. It's not a walk on the beach, it's like working a full-time job sometimes.

 

 

I guess I just want to tell you…. Thank you for leaving and abandoning me. I have never felt as completely abandoned and alone as I did that night you called me during work, while you were crying on the other line to say those five words: “I can’t do this anymore.” I felt your pain and I understand now why you needed to do so. It’s okay. I tried to call you and you didn't answer. You never picked up again until I had to tell you about going through the abortion alone (well technically there was the doctor and nurse) weeks later. You texted me something between: "There are far bigger and more important things than this relationship." It felt so far from the truth to me. For me, you were the most important person. You had a whole other support system and I had made you my sole support– my rock. When you left, I crumbled. I didn’t know who my true friends were from constantly switching to different programs, university, college and then back to university. But now I know. You leaving me, changed me. That phone call was the worst pain I felt, but eventually became the best motivation for me.

 

 

I always wanted to run a marathon or at the very least a race since my high school chubby days (seriously looking back at my past photos I thought I was the hot-shot.) I wasn’t really good at any sports as instrumental music and being a band geek was my forte. 4-6 years later, I accomplished one of my dreams… all thanks to you. That night you left me, aside from hysterically crying knowing I was going to have an abortion about 2 weeks later– impulsively registered for a half-marathon. My sister kept asking, “Are you sure? You barely ran a km this year, imagine 21 K in 2 months.”

 

 

2 months later… I finished in 3 and half hours. Not bad for a beginner.

 

 

I’m not going to lie, I wanted to see you at that finish line cheering me on with that smile of yours. Instead my sister, mommy and daddy greeted me, and I couldn’t be happier. The first month you left… I prayed and begged God/Allah/Universe/every God there is out there every night you’d change your mind and work things out together. I guess God has better and bigger plans for both of us. I still think about you often. Almost every day. Sometimes I get upset, but mostly I just miss the idea I had about you or the plans I made in my head for us. I don't even know. We both ****ed up too badly. I guess I took you back twice because I thought you’d be the sun peering out of the clouds…

 

 

I'm sorry for the way that I treated you. I know now that I was using the same emotionally abusive tactics that I learned from my parents, and that was so unfair to you. You were so much more vulnerable and open than I was in the beginning. Then the tables turned and I became more open and vulnerable and you closed up in the end. I understand. People change. You would be proud of me now.

 

 

Other times I still remember you, but with a smile. Those were good times we shared, weren't they? And when you hurt me, I am glad that you were honest. You left because you weren’t happy anymore, we grew apart, thinking I was emotionally cheating (I swear to the Holy Bible I did not), and other reasons I will never know. I needed it. Thank you. Even though you couldn't be there for me when I needed you the most, even though my passion for you led me to bad decisions, even though you caused me more pain than anyone had before– I will carry that love. A familiar sort of love. You told me to take that with me, wherever I go, and I will. That love will give me strength. You believed in me. You believed in me when I didn't believe in me.

 

 

It's okay to move on. I had to tell myself that. "No, my love is different. It's supposed to last forever! We were special!" Oh, silly girl that I was. You made me believe, and there is nothing wrong with that. I know that I will fall foolishly, recklessly in love again even if that relationship will also end someday. That's alright. It's the nature of life; things do end. That doesn't make them any less beautiful.

 

 

I remember the first time I no longer felt angry at you. I was stalking you on twitter because I had no self control (plus bored) and found you’re playing FIFA 2016… I don’t know whether you bought your own or used the gift I gave you. Either way you just seemed so genuinely happy that it all just dissolved.

 

 

You made me feel beautiful, amazing, a goddess in human form. I learned to love myself, in part thanks to you. You showed me how powerful my feelings could be and the absolute beauty of love. I'm no longer bitter, angry, and caustic. I accept that it is, indeed, over. I want you to be happy. And you are. I know that you will find happiness, and I hope that you enjoy your life... even though you chose a life without me.

 

 

Now, dearest one. You were the braver one between us. You decided to think for yourself and I admire you for that. I hope I helped you the same way you helped me. 2 months later, looking back and our breakup was for the best. Our future's brighter than it ever was. I knew that even at my worst, even when I broke down and cried and screamed and hurt myself. I learned so much since, and I'm still learning. I'm realizing things. I am growing. I hope you are, too.

 

 

I really just want to say thank you. Thank you for loving the 18-19 year old, ****ed up me for a year and few months. Thank you for being there for me through all the crying about failing engineering, or the constant transition I had to do from attending university to college to back at university. Also going through problems with my family and ultimately, standing beside me as I battled depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Thank you for believing in me and loving me when I couldn't do that for myself. Thank you for that phone call. Thank you for saying that there would be bigger and better things than us. The phrase that tore me apart once actually helped me through later. Thank you for everything.

 

 

I hope in another life, parallel universe, or years down the road we meet again– this time, as whole, emotionally stable and loving individuals. Even if we don't, thank you for all the memories. But as of right now, you did leave something special behind. And as much as I miss you, I'd be too afraid to let you in again.

 

 

Best regards,

 

"A flower for the pretty lady."