First love of 8 years left me, how are you coping (thanks for reading)

[Emma1a]

First time posting on LS, I have been reading about all your posts to help me cope with my own situation.

 

We are in our mid-20s and have been together for 8 years since last year in HS and engaged for about a year. Everything was great; we were talking about our wedding venue etc. One day I came home from shopping with friends, he seemed off and stressed. I asked him what was going on he said it’s work related stress. I insisted him talking to me about it so he can feel better and finally boom……he said “I was going to do this next week but alright. I don’t feel the butterfly feeling anymore, I want to experience the butterfly feeling when you fall in love with someone. I care for you so much but I don’t love you anymore.. this is not working, I don’t want to get married until I’m in my late30s, you are controlling , I don’t like your mom…..”.

 

He blamed everything on me; I admit I have my flaws, who doesn’t. But most of the things he said were not true. We did fight a lot towards the end but it takes two to do. Then he packed all his things and left.

 

No warning at all, even that same day he was suggesting doing something fun w our friends the next day. I was so shocked because he has been telling me how much he loved me, telling my friends how great I am and how hard it is to find a girl like me etc. etc. His parents also love me so much and he knows that.

 

He had been depressed throughout university and had no confidence in himself. I had always been there for him. Not to be arrogant, but I have my looks, people all tell me how pretty I am. I also have a great career being a lawyer and all. He used to always tell me how I will be a perfect wife and mother. Even a couple months ago he was saying how he is done with drinking and partying and that he just wants to relax at home with me and was ready for kids etc.

 

He did recently started to go out more with a new group of friends and one of our mutual friends did tell me that’s the reason he thinks why he is behaving the way he is. When he went out I always used to call him and tell him to come home around 1/2am, I could tell he was kind of frustrated that I call him and ask him to come home. But what kind of engaged men goes out partying every weekend and leaves the girl at home?!

 

I forgot to mention – he did this once 3 years ago. His reason then was that he wanted to experience other girls coz we were each other’s first everything and he just wanted to see what’s out there. He came back though after just one month (still I went through hell during that month). I think he stuck around last time because he didn’t find anyone.

 

But this time he did – I ran into them 2 months after our split – holding hands walking on the street (I was on a first date too with a guy – the only date I had since the breakup and I had no feeling for the guy at all. The next day I returned his things I said to him “cute girl”, he smiled and said I seen you’ve moved on as well – i almost cried in front of him but I didn’t. What can I do, he’s moved on and I still love him after 4 months ugh). She is completely different than me, different race and older I think. I suspect that they work together, so god knows how long they’ve been together.

 

I have come to peace with this situation, for a month there I felt so great about everything the future may have to offer. It’s been four months since the split and I find myself depressed once in awhile even though I am so certain that he does not deserve me feeling this way for him. The old him had died and I don’t know who this new person is. Today is one of those bad days and I just wanted to get some idea from those who are experiencing the same about how you are coping with this. When you feel depressed about some jerk you shouldn’t have any feelings for – what do you do when you feel sad and depressed?

I blocked his phone number and blocked him on social media etc. I don’t want him back but I still wish he could beg me back sometime in the future just so I could laugh at him and say no. Any of you have an ex of 8 years coming back?

 

He replaced me immediately, which make me think that our 8 years together meant absolutely nothing to him. I still don’t understand how someone who’s so loving can turn into stranger like this overnight.

 

There were times during our RS that I thought I couldn’t stand him anymore due to his flaws but I tolerated everything because I loved him too much. I think part of me is afraid that I might not find anyone else? He is my first everything and I think I’m afraid that I may not feel the way I do him ever with someone else. I am so confused if I just got used to him after so many years or if I truly love him. Any thoughts?

 

It makes me sick thinking that he's made my life miserable when he is having so much fun with the new girl ugh

[bluebird90]

Dear Emma,

 

You are very brave i wish i was this strong when i broke up with my ex.

I was a mess, and i had similar thoughts - "I think part of me is afraid that I might not find anyone else? He is my first everything and I think I’m afraid that I may not feel the way I do him ever with someone else. I am so confused if I just got used to him after so many years or if I truly love him."

 

Well,there is one thing you always can find someone better, the only thing you need to take care now is not to rebound. Take your time, enjoy this newly found freedom, do things which you couldn't do when you were in a relationship and above all be nice to yourself. Things are going to fall in place provided that you give it time.

 

8 years is a long time and heart breaks are always tough. But we are tougher. Aren't we?

[Emma1a]

Thank you bluebird!! I never knew I could be this strong, I thought that I could never live without him but patently I can. Yup, life goes on. How long has it been for you?

 

 

 

Dear Emma,

 

You are very brave i wish i was this strong when i broke up with my ex.

I was a mess, and i had similar thoughts - "I think part of me is afraid that I might not find anyone else? He is my first everything and I think I’m afraid that I may not feel the way I do him ever with someone else. I am so confused if I just got used to him after so many years or if I truly love him."

 

Well,there is one thing you always can find someone better, the only thing you need to take care now is not to rebound. Take your time, enjoy this newly found freedom, do things which you couldn't do when you were in a relationship and above all be nice to yourself. Things are going to fall in place provided that you give it time.

 

8 years is a long time and heart breaks are always tough. But we are tougher. Aren't we?

[pillowpuffs]

My ex of 6 years left me a little over 2 months ago. He dumped me and then I found out he cheated on me. I have felt almost every emotion in the spectrum. He hasn't contacted me since the break up and I haven't either.

 

I understand almost exactly what you're going through. My ex was my first love, first everything, the only person I felt comfortable with, my security and most importantly my best friend. I lost it all when he chose to leave me and cheat on me. While I have been reeling from the breakup, he has been partying and having the time of his life.

 

There are days where I feel like I'm dying and there are days where I have hope for a better future (either on my own or with someone else). It all comes and goes in waves, which I'm sure you experience too? Everytime I feel like I'm going to break, I have little mantras which I repeat in my head till I feel a little sense of calm again. I talk a lot to my friends/family about my feelings and that also helps. I've been thinking of going to therapy too just so I can better deal with all of my emotions but I haven't made the appointment yet.

 

I think you truly did love him and it is only natural to feel like you won't find someone else. I feel that way too. I truthfully don't know if we will find someone else that makes us feel the way we did with our exes but that shouldn't be too much of a concern right now I guess. For me, I've found that I really need to work on myself. I need to piece myself together before I think of anything/anyone else.

 

You have really great perspective on a lot of things and you should be proud of the progress you've made even if you hit little bumps along the way.

 

Stay strong and you will be okay.

[Emma1a]

My ex of 6 years left me a little over 2 months ago. He dumped me and then I found out he cheated on me. I have felt almost every emotion in the spectrum. He hasn't contacted me since the break up and I haven't either.

 

I understand almost exactly what you're going through. My ex was my first love, first everything, the only person I felt comfortable with, my security and most importantly my best friend. I lost it all when he chose to leave me and cheat on me. While I have been reeling from the breakup, he has been partying and having the time of his life.

 

There are days where I feel like I'm dying and there are days where I have hope for a better future (either on my own or with someone else). It all comes and goes in waves, which I'm sure you experience too? Everytime I feel like I'm going to break, I have little mantras which I repeat in my head till I feel a little sense of calm again. I talk a lot to my friends/family about my feelings and that also helps. I've been thinking of going to therapy too just so I can better deal with all of my emotions but I haven't made the appointment yet.

 

I think you truly did love him and it is only natural to feel like you won't find someone else. I feel that way too. I truthfully don't know if we will find someone else that makes us feel the way we did with our exes but that shouldn't be too much of a concern right now I guess. For me, I've found that I really need to work on myself. I need to piece myself together before I think of anything/anyone else.

 

You have really great perspective on a lot of things and you should be proud of the progress you've made even if you hit little bumps along the way.

 

Stay strong and you will be okay.

 

 

Hi Pillowpuffs, I was very glad to find LS and learn that it's not just my long term bf who does this sort of things but so many guys/girls out there who turn cold overnight after so many years together. I wish I had found this last time we broke up so I didn't make the mistakes I made but life is all about learning!

 

You need to get out there, go out with friends, go to the gym, volunteer work, meet new people and pick up a new hobby! No matter how down I felt I always went out with friends every single weekend and I actually did have fun. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT - that is so true in my case! I can feel myself making it day after day and when I went out for dinner and drinks last week with friends I felt 90% happiness and felt that I could actually have fun and be happy without him. Every time I go out I can feel myself think about him less and enjoy myself more. So please get out there and enjoy life! There's nothing we can do at this point and if they decide to give up on us then the best revenge would be to live better!

 

I do have my good days and bad days and it's been good days for a couple days in a row now, I think you really have to mentally think and be willing to forget about him and move on for you to really start to heal! If you think therapy would help sure you can try it. I did one session a week after the BU coz I just couldn't deal with the pain but that whole session I was basically talking to myself and I knew from the bottom of my heart that I've torlerated him too much the whole relationship even though he did put up with my **** too.

 

Yes! That's the attitude! For me, I've been dating around a bit, two guys I constantly talk to. One of them I am attracted to the other is just purely a nice guy. I don't want anything serious as I'm not sure if I can offer my full heart but I can feel that I am moving on slowly because of the mindset I have (wanting and forcing myself to move on)

 

Thanks!! You too! Stay strong, we can do this!

Edited August 11, 2015 by Emma1a

[pillowpuffs]

Yesterday I felt more positive! Today I feel a bit blah.

 

You are right about a lot of things. Especially about being fully willing to let go of things. Sometimes I'm able to do that, sometimes I think about everything that happened/was said/didn't get to say because I was beyond shocked by the whole break up and cheating and I feel very regretful and down. I hope that gets easier with time!

 

Your progress sounds great and you should be very proud of yourself. What you've had to deal with isn't easy but you seem to have weathered through it and that gives me some hope.

[Emma1a]

Yesterday I felt more positive! Today I feel a bit blah.

 

You are right about a lot of things. Especially about being fully willing to let go of things. Sometimes I'm able to do that, sometimes I think about everything that happened/was said/didn't get to say because I was beyond shocked by the whole break up and cheating and I feel very regretful and down. I hope that gets easier with time!

 

Your progress sounds great and you should be very proud of yourself. What you've had to deal with isn't easy but you seem to have weathered through it and that gives me some hope.

 

Hi pillowpuffs,

 

it is a rollercoaster ride for sure! You think you are good one day but you are not the next day

[pillowpuffs]

Rollercoaster is honestly the best way to describe it. I go up and down so many times in a day and sometimes, the ups and downs last a few days. It's like my thoughts/feelings aren't safe anymore. Just wish I could work towards a more stable front.

[Emma1a]

Rollercoaster is honestly the best way to describe it. I go up and down so many times in a day and sometimes, the ups and downs last a few days. It's like my thoughts/feelings aren't safe anymore. Just wish I could work towards a more stable front.

 

I was doing well knowing my self worth but I had three setbacks:

 

1. his breadcrumb messages (I ranted after receiving them, told him to not send me meaningless messages). That was 2 months post BU

 

2. I ran into him and her on the street, he was holding her hands (that's when i know he didn't leave me to "find" himself like he said but he left me for someone from his work). He never really used to hold my hands he said he didn't like it. He let go of her hands as soon as he saw me and walked ahead of her. This was 3 months post BU

 

3. Three nights ago, I was having dinner with friends at a patio on the street. He walked passed by me on the street. When i saw him, he was staring at me. i turned around instantly but could see from the corner of my eyes that he was still looking.

 

I never really cried after breaking up for 1.5 months. But after the above three incidents, i would cry and feel so sad and depressed all over again.

 

It is a long journey to recovery. Just remember that we don't want to be with someone who could replace us with a heartbeat after so many years together!

 

I hope these ups and downs could go away soon!!!! Ugh