NewJourney Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Hello. I'm not even sure where to start. Basically my husband of 14 years together and 7 years married as of 7 weeks ago wanted to do a trial separation. Our marriage has has some tough times in the last few years and communication hasn't been great. Then I went and did a horrible thing when I blacked out getting too drunk. I kissed another man at the bar. This is my demon and I live with the Shame and guilt daily. In the past I have blacked out but only ever got really flirty. I never remember doing this at all the next day. I would never knowingly, consciously go after another man or hurt my husband. He is the love of my life! I feel worse this has happened as I didn't mean to hurt him. I know that doesn't excuse what I've done. Recently I've come to terms with my drinking problem, in that in public situations I can't stop and drink to excess blacking out and hurting people. I've started a program and its changed my life for the better. I am never going to drink in public again. I never want to lose control again. I've been absolutely devastated as I wanted no part in this separation. I am supporting him in his wishes but it kills me every day. I know he needs time, I'm just so afraid we won't get through this. I'm starting counciling this month and hope he will join me for some sessions at some point. I asked him and he didn't say yes or no, but that is positive to me because in the past I wanted to do counseling with him and he would have no part of it. Now my horrible action was the last straw, He hadn't been telling me how he felt, and hasn't felt loved and rejected for awhile now. I'm sad he didn't share this with me. I know mostly he's upset with my actions when I'm super drunk. He says he feels like a chump, so for once he's going to take action. He won't stay with me to make me feel better. He said he will come back because HE wants to come back. I should also mention we have two small boys, 2 and 4. This has been hard on them too. I've told my husband about my drinking help program and that I will be getting counciling. He says I'm on the right track. He says he is proud of me. Most of the time the sense I get is we will get through this. He just needs time. He's currently looking for a bachelor suite to move into. He's been living at a friends for the 7 weeks. He says he still loves and cares for me... A while back he said he missed me. Every day all I can think about is how empty mynlife is without him, how much I love and miss him. I cry myself to sleep almost everyday. Everything reminds me of us. I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar separation. How did you cope and stay positive? How do you live your Life is such saddness. I'm strong for my kids and my work but it's exhausting. I feel our connection still when we are together. We still hug goodbye. We do some family activities together. Which is hard for me as I just want him back in our lives again full time. He still tells me he hasn't made any decisions. I really get the sense that he wants to be on his own to be the one in control. To prove, to other people even that I was horrible and hurt him, so he's not going to "roll over" as he put it. I pray time will heal him. I can't imagine life without him. I've been living in some dark mindset. If you are still reading my long story then thank you. Any support is appreciated. I know this was mostly my doing but it takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting and going through this. Hugs. That is fantastic that you were able to get help with your drinking. Are you completely sober? My advice is to stay strong, take care of yourself and your Lil ones. Maybe take a Lil trip, even a day trip. Do some nice things to uplift . I'm happy to hear you're going for some counselling sessions. That will be a tremendous help. With great support and healing. As for your husband, its too bad hes decided to leave rather than work through communication and fight for your marriage. But, I get that he is hurt and needs space. My advice, give him space. Keep communication and interactions limited or only regarding your kids. If he's processing gthjngsfor himself, last thing he needs is mode from you. I mean that in the kindest way, you don't need to be telling him all about your healing & treatments. It msyin a way put stressful pressure on him. You have already apologised and you have already invited him to.join you in counselling. Don't ask again. Leave him be. Just think of it as, any time you've gone through troubles or stress last thing you need is added stress and pressure, you'll explode. So, yes. Give him space. Heal and take care of yourself and the lil ones. There's not much else you can do. Love shackers will give you some solid advice. Welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewJourney Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thank you so much for the tips and advice! That is pretty much what I have been doing. Yes I am sober and going strong. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I can tell you from experience he is watching you like a hawk. If you are serious and want save your marriage, stay sober, never use it as an excuse. Make him more important than a drink. I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewJourney Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thank you for the support. Yes he is so much more important than a drink! I'm not a chronic drinker it's just in social situations / parties when everyone is going hard, I just don't stop and have too much. I am not one of those people that can do that and stay in control. All my friends seem to drink themselves into oblivion but don't black out. I now understand I am not one of those people and will never drink in those situations again. My husband, marriage and family is too important to me! I will always plan ahead, plan to be DD, I don't need alcohol to have fun. I never want to feel these feelings of shame again! I never want to lose control again, for my own safety and so i dont hurt those i love, especially my husband. Either way no matter what happens I am getting my s*** together and my life on track and I'm doing it for me above all. The people important to me in my life will of course benefit. If I get the opportunity to ever be in a social situation with him again, he will see I've changed. Link to post Share on other sites
tamcat Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I hear what you are saying, but what I also hear is that you are willing to not drink in public. You do not say whether you do not drink at all. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism, and from experience I can tell you that every time your husband has seen you drunk, a piece of respect died. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but that is the honest truth. In my case, we have realised it too late, and my wife was only willing to admit it when it was too late. I mean this from the bottom of my heart - I hope that it is not too late for you guys. But people do not realise what kind of damage this can do. Once the respect is gone, and the spark is gone, I don't think there is much left to use as a foundation. Having said all of that, you would need to WANT to stay away from booze completely, FOR YOURSELF. It does not help you stop drinking to impress him. Trying to rebuild a marriage is going to be hard enough for you both without you having to put up a front and aching for a drink Link to post Share on other sites
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