Still feeling unattractive and 'haunted' by what ex said...

[jenlynn]

Hello All,

 

I am 9 months from my b/u but only a few weeks since NC. Before NC, I was in a position where I was seeing my ex about every 1.5 weeks or so and it was hard for me to heal.

 

I guess I'm going through some different emotions now. I still love my ex. I've had to change my life tremendously after the break up and even now. I thought I was in a great relationship and my ex was always respectful of me. Out of the blue, he said things hadn't been good for awhile and said things such as- you're not as social as I am, you don't have any hobbies, I think you just stay with me for the house and my paycheck. In short, to me it sounded like he was saying I was a boring hermit gold digger.

 

Since then, my confidence has been shaken. I had a quiet confidence before meeting my ex and during our relationship. However, it has rocked me that this person I was with for 3 years, said I was great and I thought accepted and love me unconditionally- didn't in the end.

 

I've gone to counseling, participated to in process groups, took a tropical vacation, reconnected with family and friends BUT I still feel undesirable, unattractive, boring, not supported, etc. Has anyone else had this experience? Does it just take time? I'm exhausted and ready for my life to be dynamic and full of love again but I just feel the constant struggle. Sigh.

[StalwartMind]

These are all things according to his perception of you, this doesn't mean that it's correct. People that are unsure of things usually change, I've never found myself suddenly change out of the blue, but from what I've experienced and seen others do, there can be many reasons as to why, typically some kind of underlying unhappiness. It's not your fault your ex failed to communicate in a decent way and timely manner the things that bothered him. In fact that's a character flaw, and typically boring people find others boring since they lack any creativity. In other words he just shot insults at you due to his own insecurity and lack of ability to handle things in a proper way.

 

Distractions are nice, but they also can delay any progress to get and feel better. You do need to journey inwards and discover yourself, I doubt you are a boring person, but then again I've never met anyone I'd categorize as boring. I feel lazy people label others, especially without having made the attempt to actually understand how they feel, act or think. Clearly at some point your ex stopped caring, his reasons seem shallow, seems like you were actually blessed, so you can find someone else who'll appreciate what you are and. Not everyone is an extrovert, not everyone have hobbies, many people in in old age are still trying to find out who they are and what they want. You didn't get any support, you were just told what was "wrong" with you. That hardly takes any effort, everyone is an expert at pointing out what others aren't, but few master the ability to notice all the things that people are, especially all the small things which do add up.

 

You do need to process your thoughts and find some peace in your mind, just because one person or multiple people can't appreciate you doesn't make you less valuable. It can take years or really long before you run into an individual who will not treat poorly and who also has such integrity that they won't suddenly flip on you. Take comfort in him helping you with showing you that he isn't that person. I'm sure you had some good moments, that's as it should be too, but don't obsess over someone who clearly doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him. It does take time, for some it can take a long time, don't rush your feelings, sometimes we just need to let things happen at the pace it takes.

[Bubberfly]

These are perfectly normal things to say. He was pushing you away. He was trying to validate (in his mind) that it was the right thing to do (break up)..

Mine said the same thing. He dumped me after treating me badly basically the whole relationship and actually told me the "only reason why I stayed with him was because he had bought me things." He had a tendency of lavishly spending money on me when I had repeatedly asked him not to.

Sure enough, after we broke up, he told all of his friends that I was "the awful gold digging ex so it's good she's gone."

^His way of pushing me away and not feeling guilty for what he had done to me.

 

It takes time. It takes a lot of self-love. Keep going to your counseling sessions. Every time you're feeling/thinking negative thoughts about yourself, turn them around to something positive. "I feel ugly today, but I know most of the time I'm actually really attractive."

 

I still have days where I feel SO ugly and so unworthy of any love and I know it's because of our bad relationship. But deep down I know it's my insecurities and logically, no one is truly (physically) ugly and everyone deserves some sort of love. Each day (it's been a year and a half since the break up) it gets a little better.

 

I suggest too, keeping open communications with friends and family. Tell them when you're having a bad day and feeling unworthy. Ask them for some true compliments to validate your self-worth. Do the same for them. You need to really try to love yourself (oh yah, it's hard. Believe me, I'm still working on that) but it doesn't hurt to reach out to your support system and let them know you need a little help.

[Arieswoman]

jenlyn,

what your ex said was mean and spiteful - it's verbal abuse actually. Just be glad that you're not seeing him any more.

 

And no Bubberfly

 

These are perfectly normal things to say.

 

They are not normal things to say.

 

Some guys(and girls) do this because they need to find an excuse to dump you. They don't have the cojones just to come out and say "I'm sorry, it isn't working for me".

 

You sound like your self esteem is at rock bottom. This book might help ;-

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X

 

Stick with the counselling.

 

 

I'm sure there are things you're good at?

 

You can use a computer right? Otherwise you couldn't post here. So if you feel down, remind yourself that you're IT literate which is smart (you'd be surprised how many people aren't)

 

Can you make meat loaf? Ride a bicycle? Play a musical instrument?

 

When you feel low remind yourself of all the things you can do.

 

It will take time but you will feel better.

 

Good luck. x

[Sugarkane]

My ex said the same thing. But hes just an Ahole with a giganric chip on his shoulder. Hardly goid qualities.

[mossycup]

my ex did the same - i like what someone said above about "projection". My ex went from telling me every day I was the perfect one for him to saying he was never sure and was just "rescuing" me. But he was the one, I think, who needed/wanted rescue, not me. I could see that right away and I almost laughed when he said it.

 

He also said I could have been anyone, was only a little special, and maybe he feels that way about himself - can't accept how special he is and how much I loved him.

 

Whatever the reason people say the things they do, it really hurts and I empathize. I too had a quiet confidence before and during that was shot to some degree by his words. I struggle with good and bad days (at 3 months since BU). Just today I was telling myself that the most important thing right now is to keep working to keep myself confident. I have been reading and applying the principles of the book called "The Secret". Everytime I remember how ****tily and hurtfully my ex left me, I think back to a wonderful man I dated in university when I was too young to appreciate it. I think about his good qualities and how he loved me and wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready. Not that I am thinking of going back to him, I just put that thought in my head to replace the icky negative thoughts and attract me to a new man who will love me and cherish me.

 

Sending you lots of love and good energy!!

[Lostgirl50]

I have to agree - my ex said the same to me. That I only wanted the money I was married for just over 25 years for goodness sake. The statement is ridiculous ! I think mine said it to me because he wanted to hurt me. My ex was / is very egotistical and could never admit he was wrong about anything. It was always me. If I just said and did this then all would be well. Ya right. He became more nasty by saying hateful things to bring down my self esteem. It worked but I realized I needed to get out of the relaionship. This causing untrue statements to be uttered. Also, because my ex could not imagine he wrong.