Love vs. Dependence

[Chronograph]

Hey everyone, I just read a book about dependent personality structure and I was wondering how much of that was part of my struggle trying to get over my breakup. (And also how many other people can perhaps relate?)

 

Basically, if you have that sort of thing, you miss being in a relationship more than you miss the actual ex partner. The relationship kind of primarily had a function, it ticked the box "I am okay" or "everything is good, cause I have a partner". And this is more about addiction than about love.

 

I can clearly remember feeling "now everything is perfect" when I was lying in his arms in the very beginning. "Now everything is great". He was my protection shield. I loved the fact that I had a boyfriend, maybe more than I loved him in the end. Cause it served my self-image. It's like believing "of course I must be great cause there is someone who loves me".

 

Can anyone relate to this? Is this maybe somewhat normal, or does grieving and letting go of real love mean something completely different? I mean, I feel like a drug addict on cold turkey, literally. I feel sick, I feel lethargic, I feel tired and unwell. I keep telling myself I can't make it alone, I can't face this life alone, I don't want to be responsible for my own life because I will not be able to cope. So ... very childish in a way. And I'm so scared! Being alone scares the hell out of me. Can a healthy relationship also mean "home" and belonging, or is that pathological already? I strongly feel like I have "lost my home". I don't belong to anyone or anywhere atm. But shouldn't I find home in myself? Is that even possible? Or am I being to hard on myself?

 

Any experiences or opinions?

[aloneinaz]

I think you're being hard on yourself. It's natural as a human being to want and covet a partner to share your life with. We are meant to be with other human beings as we are social.

 

 

Now, at the same time, people also need to be comfortable in their own skin. The need to be able to love and appreciate themselves, flaws and all. If you a person that absolutely HATES to be alone at all, then yes, you have issues.

 

 

There's always clearly extremes as well. I'd bet you land in the middle or the norm range. While I absolutely love my GF, I also covet my "alone time" away from her as well. When I was single in my 20's, I loved hanging w/my buddies, going out to bars to party, etc.. I'll also tell you that when the night was over, I couldn't wait to get home for some alone time.

 

 

My point is you need a good balance in your life that include alone time. It sounds like you need to heal and then be ready to meet your next love. I'm a strong proponent in getting back on the horse after you heal from your last relationship. I'm NOT a believer in sitting at home for months and months, mourning a failed relationship.

[Chronograph]

Later yesterday evening I discovered this video:

 

 

... and what he says kind of goes into the same direction. It helped me. Although I'm not sure to what extent this so-called "true love" (selfless, when you don't want anything back) is actually possible or a complete utopia. People will always need people, I think.