What are the odds.

[LWL]

So.. um an update I guess?

 

If you didn't know before, I fell in love with an older guy I couldn't have, or anything because of certain reasons. Like I'm 17 (yeah I know I'm young, and all that jazz), and he works at my High School..

 

Anyway, he wasn't supposed to come back, and work at my school, but he is. The thing is he is gay, and got married over the summer.. I of course did not know this, so when I got news of him coming back I was sort of shocked, but in a 'I should of known' way.

I am happy for him, really, and honestly I'm not just saying that, but I feel bitter as all loving hell could be.

 

I know I shouldn't be, but what else can I feel for a guy I loved?

And now I'll see him at school, and know it certainly cannot ever happen..

I feel like I'll have an emotional break down if I see the guy. Everything is just so.. unnecessarily difficult.

 

This is literally the 3rd guy I've had a crush on in a row who is gay, and no these guys aren't the super pretty kind, but just so. It's making me upset, and frustrated, I just want to scream about it.

And I learned in a short time that he put up a big facade too.

He wasn't really like how he truly is which is a stuck up, snooty, f-wad argentinian.

Calling people retarded, morons, of f-ing idiots, refusing to do things because it wasn't him job, that being a secretary is a woman's job only (like where are you working again??) .

I can see now why everyone didn't like the guy, just tolerated him.. and yet I know what I feel.. despair, love, fear, uncertainty, anger, sadness?

 

Now I dread seeing him again because of what I still feel inside. Because when I feel emotions I feel wholeheartedly which is a flaw of mine. This is why I currently do not like love. I hate opening up to people, and then things like this unfurl themselves like a dam breaking in a hurricane.