Big setback after what I thought was great progress

[Cirilla]

Hi everyone. Longtime lurker, first-time poster here. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for with this post. Fresh perspective, comfort, etc are all welcome.

 

TL;DR: I was doing a great job recovering from my breakup but now the setbacks from the last few days are really bad.

 

My relationship with my ex-bf ended about 3.5 months ago after about 4.5 years. I've been NC for a little over 2.5 months. During the month that we weren't NC, we had talks about where things went wrong, etc. I thought it was important to have those talks because he had some misperceptions about me and the relationship because of things I had said during fights. The last year of the relationship was very tumultuous and neither of us was innocent. We both said terrible things to each other, tried to make it work in our own different ways, fallen short in our own different ways. It was our second breakup but it looks like this one is going to stick. He ended things in quite a dramatic fashion, but we still were open to talking after. I never begged, but offered a fresh slate which he refused. So commenced NC.

 

Anyway, I've had no problem abiding by the NC rule, I've been occupying my time with work, new friends, old friends, old hobbies, exploring new pursuits, thinking about my role in the relationship's downfall, looking at the relationship more objectively and realizing over time that it could never work, etc, etc. My therapist and my family/friends all say I'm doing a bang-up job handling this situation and that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. I had a moment last week when I realized I was happier then than I was towards the end of the relationship and that was a nice feeling. Well, in the last couple of days I've been really bummed and crying a lot remembering the good times we had and what would have been our 5-year anniversaries of this or that significant event in our early courtship--not to mention the dreams. Two steps forward, however many steps back. I've learned to roll with the punches of the emotional rollercoaster, so I'm not sure why it's so hard right now. Today marks 5 years since a milestone in our early dating, and an event that we both attended that day is repeating itself today (still haven't decided whether to go yet). Recalling that sent me into lots of crying today and yesterday. I didn't have this much trouble on the other would-be-anniversaries. I know I have to just keep going and have no intention of contacting him. I guess I just needed to get this out there since I don't want to bother my friends right now. Thanks for reading.

[aloneinaz]

I'm sorry you're struggling right now but understand that healing has it's ups and downs. From what you described, you're doing great in moving forward with your life in a healthy way.

 

 

Just some observations from what you wrote about your relationship.. Two break ups already speaks volumes about your compatibility as a couple. It takes two to tango and I'm sure you're both culpable in it not working out. I think your mindset should be to let that failed relationship stay in your past. People don't change and if you have the thought of trying it "one more time", recognize, it won't work long term no matter how much you love them.

 

 

Stay NC w/him and look forward in your life. We all had those relationships that we wanted to work and despite how much we loved them, they just failed. Right now, your next great guy is out there waiting to meet you. When you're ready to dip your foot back in the dating pool, do so. There's no reason you can't casually date. Certainly, don't jump into another relationship. Understand that most single people dating are at some stage of healing from their last relationship.

 

 

It will get better for you if you stay NC. You're experiencing lots of good days and soon, they will all be that way as you accept you're better off w/out him.

[Chronograph]

Sorry to hear you're struggling atm, I can relate to this. Personally I feel better right now but I'm pretty sure these downs will come again (2,5 months since my breakup now). I guess it is hard since one was thinking "hey I'm finally getting better, life starts to feel normal or good again" ... and then ... Hang in there, it will get better again!

[Satu]

The way you are feeling is perfectly normal and to be expected.

 

Its part of the grieving process.

 

Don't worry.

 

You are healing.

[Cirilla]

Thank you all. And yes, I know we both had our parts to play in our downfall. And I know that things being what they are, we can't work out. It still hurts though, in part because there are so many "coulda, shoulda, woulda" factors in our situation. Circumstances worked against us from the beginning, too. Maybe it's so hard lately because it's been dawning on me more and more that we really are done for good this time. Such a shame because we were two peas in a pod once and happy memories from a third of my adult life are now sad ones.

[aloneinaz]

Such a shame because we were two peas in a pod once and happy memories from a third of my adult life are now sad ones.

 

 

You should absolutely NOT view the time spent with him as sad memories! You need to change your thinking gurl! The time you spent with him had lots of good times and good memories. They were life experiences that you got to share with him. Just like looking back on old school friends you once had. You spent a lot of time with them and now they are not in your life. Should you view those memories with sadness as well?

 

 

As it was already stated, it's still fresh with you. Coming to ACCEPTANCE that it's really over is a good thing. It will allow you to move forward to someone you're more compatible with. Learn from that relationship what you can. In further time apart, it gets easier and easier. Once you're up to dating again, it will show you that there are lots of great people out there looking for their next great relationship too.

[Cirilla]

Ugh. He's been lurking in my dreams for most nights in the past week. Is that part of the death throes of hope that he'll contact me?

[RogerWallace111]

I feel ya & can relate to a lot of what you're going through. My latest relationship only lasted a year but we were close friends for years before that & were complimented eachother in such a way that it seemed f*cking fated. Toward the end we said a lot of terrible sh*t to each other and like with you, it seems it just wouldn't work. I basically initiated the breakup but attempted to to rescind and go for the "clean slate" as well, but apparently it was broken beyond repair in her eyes, at least for the foreseeable future.

 

Besides some initial intense anxiety, by all appearances I took things in stride. Gave healthy thought to my role in the downfall, moved to the city I'd always considered moving to, spent time with friends, just plowed forward and seemingly found solace/contentment in that. Responded to some contact from her during first few weeks but otherwise have let it be. Now it's been two months, but this last week has been rough. I think like with you, the realization of the finality had been delayed.

 

I've also found the idea of the wasted potential and coulda/shoulda's hard to swallow these last few days. The idea that the relationship itself can make you blind to what you have with eachother is real sh*tty. Maybe this one will have actually taught me not to take future partners for granted. It is truly a f*cking shame, and the good memories will make you sad regardless of how nice it would be to embrace them.

 

The dreams haven't left for more than several days at a time since it ended but have been particularly intense lately. Last night had a couple especially sh*tty ones involving her. Whereas I remember after my first love dreaming that we were back together and feeling like it wasn't right, in these I'm just trying to get what affection I can from her and being frustrated by her minimal reciprocation. I have other dreams that clearly seem to positively shine light on my current freedom & potential, but the ones of her bother me. I would at least like my subconscious to tell me being out of the often toxic situation the relationship had become is a good thing.

 

What have your dreams been like ?

 

And I'm curious of your thoughts on the following, cause you sound like someone with a level-head but romantic heart. This of course doesn't go for everyone, but I'm starting to think that, at least during this stage of my life, there will be a void when I'm single. That's not to say I can't have great times, feel content, achieve great things and discover myself in ways you can't when partnered up. But after having had some deep, seemingly transcendent loves/connections, that in their prime obliterated the general feeling of aloneness that comes with being human- that intrinsic aloneness that physical proximity to others can't defeat- I fear that I may always, even if it's only every few months, return to a place where I feel deeply pained by some spiritual lack. And I say that as a social but relatively introverted person who greatly appreciates his alone time. And to make matters worse I have a possibly unhealthy desire for uniqueness in women, and people I spend time with in general, so just having someone to date and keep me company isn't any answer.

 

Sorry for spewing all my own sh*t but it seemed relevant and I'm a few beers into the evening.

 

In conclusion, and forgive my possible projection, but maybe these lows of the "rollercoaster" are inevitable not just because "there are ups and downs" blah blah, but because you had a very unique bond with the person, it was profoundly nice when it was good, and how can one not miss that at times ??

There's acceptance and all that, the principle of it- I'm 1200 miles from my ex, it's clearly done- but how does one really "accept" the loss of what is one of the pinnacles of human experience ? I'm convinced that those who don't have some recurring pain in these situations never were truly in love and were just being kept company.

 

Anyway ! Maybe there was some perspective or comfort in there.

 

What are your thoughts on "dating" etc ?

Edited July 18, 2015 by RogerWallace111

[Cirilla]

I feel ya & can relate to a lot of what you're going through. My latest relationship only lasted a year but we were close friends for years before that & were complimented eachother in such a way that it seemed f*cking fated. Toward the end we said a lot of terrible sh*t to each other and like with you, it seems it just wouldn't work. I basically initiated the breakup but attempted to to rescind and go for the "clean slate" as well, but apparently it was broken beyond repair in her eyes, at least for the foreseeable future.

 

Besides some initial intense anxiety, by all appearances I took things in stride. Gave healthy thought to my role in the downfall, moved to the city I'd always considered moving to, spent time with friends, just plowed forward and seemingly found solace/contentment in that. Responded to some contact from her during first few weeks but otherwise have let it be. Now it's been two months, but this last week has been rough. I think like with you, the realization of the finality had been delayed.

 

I've also found the idea of the wasted potential and coulda/shoulda's hard to swallow these last few days. The idea that the relationship itself can make you blind to what you have with eachother is real sh*tty. Maybe this one will have actually taught me not to take future partners for granted. It is truly a f*cking shame, and the good memories will make you sad regardless of how nice it would be to embrace them.

 

The dreams haven't left for more than several days at a time since it ended but have been particularly intense lately. Last night had a couple especially sh*tty ones involving her. Whereas I remember after my first love dreaming that we were back together and feeling like it wasn't right, in these I'm just trying to get what affection I can from her and being frustrated by her minimal reciprocation. I have other dreams that clearly seem to positively shine light on my current freedom & potential, but the ones of her bother me. I would at least like my subconscious to tell me being out of the often toxic situation the relationship had become is a good thing.

 

What have your dreams been like ?

 

And I'm curious of your thoughts on the following, cause you sound like someone with a level-head but romantic heart. This of course doesn't go for everyone, but I'm starting to think that, at least during this stage of my life, there will be a void when I'm single. That's not to say I can't have great times, feel content, achieve great things and discover myself in ways you can't when partnered up. But after having had some deep, seemingly transcendent loves/connections, that in their prime obliterated the general feeling of aloneness that comes with being human- that intrinsic aloneness that physical proximity to others can't defeat- I fear that I may always, even if it's only every few months, return to a place where I feel deeply pained by some spiritual lack. And I say that as a social but relatively introverted person who greatly appreciates his alone time. And to make matters worse I have a possibly unhealthy desire for uniqueness in women, and people I spend time with in general, so just having someone to date and keep me company isn't any answer.

 

Sorry for spewing all my own sh*t but it seemed relevant and I'm a few beers into the evening.

 

In conclusion, and forgive my possible projection, but maybe these lows of the "rollercoaster" are inevitable not just because "there are ups and downs" blah blah, but because you had a very unique bond with the person, it was profoundly nice when it was good, and how can one not miss that at times ??

There's acceptance and all that, the principle of it- I'm 1200 miles from my ex, it's clearly done- but how does one really "accept" the loss of what is one of the pinnacles of human experience ? I'm convinced that those who don't have some recurring pain in these situations never were truly in love and were just being kept company.

 

Anyway ! Maybe there was some perspective or comfort in there.

 

What are your thoughts on "dating" etc ?

 

Sorry for the late reply. I've been off the site lately. (And it's now 3 months NC, by the way.)

 

Hmm...the last dreams I had were of him returning in some way (either outright or in the background) and giving me the chance to have a reasoned talk with him about why we fell apart and why we shouldn't get back together. I guess my subconscious is processing that I want the chance to set things right and come out of it not being the "bad guy" in his eyes. Last time I saw him in real life he cried and called himself a failure and said he didn't deserve to be forgiven, but we were very emotional at the time and part of me wants us to talk and "agree" to stay apart instead of him thinking he was wholly in charge. Still not tempted to break NC. I know I took control of my situation by going NC and staying that way, but I doubt he has the emotional intelligence to understand that. He probably just thinks I'm being petty.

 

I'm feeling better now and it sounds like we have similar outlooks. I'm getting to an age where almost everyone I know is paired up and doing "couple's things". I do miss the best friend aspect of a relationship and knowing that there's someone who wants to see you every day and will be up for going on day trips, vacations, etc. Even though I've been socializing a great deal, there are times when I miss having a person that I'm 100% comfortable around (even though I couldn't trust a word he said) who shared most of my interests and hobbies along with my sense of humor and who tolerated my idiosyncrasies. I like a bit of alone time too, but when I met him I had too much of it and was feeling lonely in the world. When he came along, I thought "here is the companion I've been hoping for all this time" who wanted to be at my side for activities and good times great and small. He did a terrible job at being there for me in bad times, though.

 

As for dating, I've been trying to do a little here and there. Most people seem pretty generic to me, unfortunately. I've been told I'm picky and that I need to let go of certain preferences that I have. I know it's unfair to compare other men to the ex who had many of the characteristics I was looking for. People say that as soon as I ditch "the list" (I don't really have one but it's how my friends perceive me) I'll be more open. I know it's unrealistic to expect a man to have a lot of similarity with my ex (and in a lot of ways, he shouldn't) and that's why people say to stay single for a while before getting into another relationship. What do you mean by "uniqueness"? What kinds of things are you looking for?

[Cirilla]

Hi all, bit of an update.

 

So, after I've grown and recovered by leaps and bounds since the breakup, my ex sent me an email a few days ago to ask how I am. No idea what's going through his mind, but I've moved on and want nothing more to do with him so I have ignored the email so far. What's a dumper's motivation for trying to get back in touch after a contentious breakup? Guilt? Loneliness?

[15Love]

Maybe he's struggled the way you did. He just finally broke down. If you're over it and him then just maintain NC. He'll get the message.

 

Good luck!