why do we love them more after they are gone?

[xinaxxsdertf]

for some reason now that i am about 7 or 8 months post break up (i lost count/didnt care anymore) I miss her so much more than what i did before.

 

I try think of myself in relationships with other girls and yet all i can think about is how 'perfect' my ex is. Funny thing is, she had so many flaws in her. She wasnt independent, she was really jealous, she was unfair/inequal with me. But yet, now that I havent seen her in so long I miss her more than ever. I use to argue with her a lot because of the flaws she had and it would do my head in! but now she is in my head like some sort of amazing fantasy girl.

 

Her body, her personality, her humour, EVERYTHING just seems so perfect about her now and its like shes my dream girl that I would do anything to find someone like her. Her body is actually only average but i know it from head to toe and its got this image in my head of perfection now. I miss everything about her (i mean this in a non sensual way btw).

 

Back then I would look at other girls (as a guy sometimes does) and think they look pretty, but now every other girl is average to me and my ex is like a goddess. Why is she on such a high pedestal in my head now?

 

I know its normal to miss them but gosh i miss her so crazily that i feel like its hurting me inside. When im driving Im always on the lookout for her car hoping she will pass me. I feel like im madly inlove with her and i cant bring up any bad thoughts about her because the memories we had were so amazing that they are clouding my judgement.

 

Me and her this time last year were happy living together but i still did not look at her the way i look at her now.

 

Any tips or advice on how to bring her down to earth level? I miss her so much but am in no way ever thinking of going there anymore. the relationship has had too much corruption and issues that it just wouldnt be able to be saved. I blame myself about so many things now and keep thinking its all my fault and i pushed her away so much that she was forced to break up with me. I miss her my best friend.

 

Ive had so many bumps in the road of this healing process but i feel like im finally coming out on the better side now. its just the thought game i need to get under control and it doesnt help that i have dreams of seeing her again and wake up sad realizing none of its real.. i try watch movies and things before i sleep so i dont go to sleep with her in my head but she manages to keep sneaking into my dreams...

 

Ive been starting to say to myself that shes the one that got away because i was too immature to see how special she really was to me.. but then is thiss also just me still having her on this big dam pedestal? i wish i could hate her and be glad i will never see her again but its just not like that..

[aloneinaz]

It's pretty simple actually. You haven't met and started dating anyone knew yet. If you're not in a relationship now, you're of course going to miss your last GF. You're lonely, horny and miss the companionship of what the ex brought.

 

 

I highly doubt this is all about missing "her". It's more likely you miss being in a relationship.

 

 

With this, why are you not out dating so you can met your next great GF?

[Reels]

You realize their value, and miss the good things that you liked. It is obvious to miss then.

[xinaxxsdertf]

It's pretty simple actually. You haven't met and started dating anyone knew yet. If you're not in a relationship now, you're of course going to miss your last GF. You're lonely, horny and miss the companionship of what the ex brought.

 

 

I highly doubt this is all about missing "her". It's more likely you miss being in a relationship.

 

 

With this, why are you not out dating so you can met your next great GF?

 

Thanks for the replies guys.

I am only 23 so i know I have a lot ahead of me in life still. I guess I've always thought that im not ready to move on yet because I dont want to go into a relationship with someone else while still feeling like im attached to my ex, if that makes sense?

 

I also havent been going out that much due to my training and rehabilitation for my leg (fractured a few months ago). But my leg has come right now. Maybe it means its time for me to put myself back out there and start seeing all the fish in the sea everyone has been talking about!

 

I do believe its the companionship i miss but at the same time, she is attached to each of the things i miss hence why i keep thinking i miss this girl. Doesnt help that her family became closer to me than my own family and we did all go on a holiday overseas not long before she left me. So memories of us all together on our holiday just haunts me as i feel i cant even think about how much fun the vacation was because all the memories of her family comes flooding back in.

 

I also have no clue where to start with dating. I use to enjoy nightclubbing before i met her and never wanted a girlfriend but she just happened to change things around for me and i preffered a partner instead of single life after that.

 

I just want to be happy single for a while and find happiness within. In the end i relied on her as my happiness and found that i couldnt be happy alone after she was gone. I need to rediscover happiness being alone before i find someone else and expect them to make me happy.

[TrevorDia]

Nobody is a fan of change. You start off with this relationship that you think is going well, and even when things aren't going well, you know that at the end of the day that by virtue of the relationship, you have someone in your team. We like having people on our team.

 

Then the relationship breaks down and the habits you've formed during the relationship are gone. The support you had is gone, and even if you had a pretty terrible support, it's still a noticeable difference when it's gone. And if you weren't the person who broke things off, there is also the feeling of 'loss of control'. We hate it when we're not in control of our own lives.

 

But don't forget that relationships break down every day for so many reasons and we just have to move on. It sucks to move on, but you do eventually move on. I was sure my ex was the one, my soulmate, I thought I'd spend my life by her side - but she decided she'd rather spend her life on her knees in the bathroom stall of a club. It's now 10 weeks since I said goodbye to her, I'm now seeing someone else, and I'm happy.

 

This song pretty much covers it

[DJOkawari]

Hey, I'm in a similar place to you and I was having the same thoughts. I didn't appreciate her enough either and it seems like this was a lesson we had to learn the hard way. There are a lot of positives here. Hopefully you've worked on yourself during NC, hopefully you learned from your mistakes. I know that's where I am. If you have done these two things you'll arrive at these two (egotistical) thoughts:

 

1) I'm a catch. Any girl would be lucky to have me. I truly believe it, deep down. If anyone turns me down or wants me out of their life, it is their loss.

 

2) if my ex ever gave me another chance I would appreciate and love her so much. I would try my heart out to be the perfect boyfriend. But if she doesn't...see step 1, it's her loss. I can't help the misguided.

 

Also, i agree with your method. I spent the time alone trying to "be happy alone". I did it and this is the happiest I've ever been with myself. It is a joy to be me. All of this came around pretty recently. Do you have any fears or anxieties holding you back? Address all of them and you'll live in a place of strength.

 

Somehow people can read your attitude change. I had a unique experience yesterday and it was the sort of thing unbelievable thing I wouldve never imagined happening to me...but it did.

 

And it wouldn't have happened to me if I didn't go through the break up, if I didn't put in time progressing through the break up. I'm thankful the break up happened. My mental state couldn't have progressed like this without it. But like I said I still miss my ex. She really was fantastic...at some point I'm going to see if we can try again, I don't know when but I'll know when the time is right.

 

I'm thankful that it all happened exactly the way it did. I think these 3 things: appreciating the break up, feeling like you're a catch, understanding that you can't help the misguided - are how you come to peace with the fact that she's gone.

 

There's a pedestal but, of course there is...you dated her for a long time and after being apart from her, you still appreciate her...she was special in a lot of ways. It's okay to remember her that way. You don't have to take that away from her to move on. She was great and that's why you dated her.

Edited July 8, 2015 by DJOkawari

[xinaxxsdertf]

Hey, I'm in a similar place to you and I was having the same thoughts. I didn't appreciate her enough either and it seems like this was a lesson we had to learn the hard way. There are a lot of positives here. Hopefully you've worked on yourself during NC, hopefully you learned from your mistakes. I know that's where I am. If you have done these two things you'll arrive at these two (egotistical) thoughts:

 

1) I'm a catch. Any girl would be lucky to have me. I truly believe it, deep down. If anyone turns me down or wants me out of their life, it is their loss.

 

2) if my ex ever gave me another chance I would appreciate and love her so much. I would try my heart out to be the perfect boyfriend. But if she doesn't...see step 1, it's her loss. I can't help the misguided.

 

Also, i agree with your method. I spent the time alone trying to "be happy alone". I did it and this is the happiest I've ever been with myself. It is a joy to be me. All of this came around pretty recently. Do you have any fears or anxieties holding you back? Address all of them and you'll live in a place of strength.

 

Somehow people can read your attitude change. I had a unique experience yesterday and it was the sort of thing unbelievable thing I wouldve never imagined happening to me...but it did.

 

And it wouldn't have happened to me if I didn't go through the break up, if I didn't put in time progressing through the break up. I'm thankful the break up happened. My mental state couldn't have progressed like this without it. But like I said I still miss my ex. She really was fantastic...at some point I'm going to see if we can try again, I don't know when but I'll know when the time is right.

 

I'm thankful that it all happened exactly the way it did. I think these 3 things: appreciating the break up, feeling like you're a catch, understanding that you can't help the misguided - are how you come to peace with the fact that she's gone.

 

There's a pedestal but, of course there is...you dated her for a long time and after being apart from her, you still appreciate her...she was special in a lot of ways. It's okay to remember her that way. You don't have to take that away from her to move on. She was great and that's why you dated her.

 

Thanks for that mate. I indeed do have anxiety issues which i actually never use to experience. my confidence and self esteem hit rock bottom. I use to be overly confident and acted like I could go into a club and get any girl I wanted and it actually worked too for a while. But now i walk into a club and seem to always have my eye out for my ex and i cant approach girls like i use to.

 

So somehow i am going to have to find a way to get my confidence back. I would rather be cocky than shy to be honest. Ive turned really shy but ive been in the gym for a while now and am slowly getting a bit of confidence back.

 

Even though I know my ex wouldnt ask for me back, I cant have that. The break up was the most hurtful, life-changing, heartbreaking experience I have ever had and for her to have put me through that and not even care about how many pieces i broke into tells me she is definitely not the one for me. But it still doesnt change the fact that I feel like im still 99% in love with her and would do anything just to have those few moments to spend with her.

 

Im going out clubbing this weekend and really hoping I build up enough confidence to flirt at the least. I will be drunk so im usually fine with confidence after a few beers lol.

 

The thing im fretting about is seeing her out. I was told the other day by my friend that he has seen her out clubbing heaps. I have no idea why he told me that but it hurt and I just wanted to swear at him and say why the f*** would you tell me that, thats the last thing i want to hear right now.

 

Any tips on how I can go on with my night even if i happen to see her and how I can just say an easy hi and then continue my fun night without getting any tragic ideas. I really dont want to ruin a good night out just from being so pathetic that seeing her will hurt me.. I want to be able to brush it off and not care about her

[DJOkawari]

Thanks for that mate. I indeed do have anxiety issues which i actually never use to experience. my confidence and self esteem hit rock bottom. I use to be overly confident and acted like I could go into a club and get any girl I wanted and it actually worked too for a while. But now i walk into a club and seem to always have my eye out for my ex and i cant approach girls like i use to.

[/Quote]

 

 

I remember being exactly where you are now. It wasn't so long ago that I had those feelings too. I'm speaking strictly from my own experience but there is no solution. One day you will be tired of this agony. You might live like that for a while. On a later date you will realize you can let it all go. That it is all in your control and that there exists a reality without this pain...and you'll be free. You will probably cycle through relapsing and being over it. Each time it gets easier. I can't confirm it myself, but one day, without notice, the poison will leave you.

 

The only thing I believe is that you must stay NC and if you do run into your ex, make it the sort of interaction that doesn't create more thoughts for you. Just say "hi" politely and move on. If moving on means going back to your room and sulking, do that. There's no shame in loving someone, there's no shame in being hurt. There's no shame in not meeting a new girl soon. You're on your own schedule. Whatever you need to do to cope, you should do it without guilt. That was my shortcoming in this healing process...I had too much pride.

Edited July 9, 2015 by DJOkawari

[Phoenician]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I am only 23 so i know I have a lot ahead of me in life still. I guess I've always thought that im not ready to move on yet because I dont want to go into a relationship with someone else while still feeling like im attached to my ex, if that makes sense?

 

I also havent been going out that much due to my training and rehabilitation for my leg (fractured a few months ago). But my leg has come right now. Maybe it means its time for me to put myself back out there and start seeing all the fish in the sea everyone has been talking about!

 

I do believe its the companionship i miss but at the same time, she is attached to each of the things i miss hence why i keep thinking i miss this girl. Doesnt help that her family became closer to me than my own family and we did all go on a holiday overseas not long before she left me. So memories of us all together on our holiday just haunts me as i feel i cant even think about how much fun the vacation was because all the memories of her family comes flooding back in.

 

I also have no clue where to start with dating. I use to enjoy nightclubbing before i met her and never wanted a girlfriend but she just happened to change things around for me and i preffered a partner instead of single life after that.

 

I just want to be happy single for a while and find happiness within. In the end i relied on her as my happiness and found that i couldnt be happy alone after she was gone. I need to rediscover happiness being alone before i find someone else and expect them to make me happy.

 

you need to follow your gut , when loosing directions , just ask yourself is this the person I want to spend my life with ?

Ian a guy married since 17 years , do u want to end up with a heavy load of 3 kids in a sexless rotten marriage?

probably not , but majority of tine we stay because we love to love and fear that if we leave we think mistakenley we don't have the strength to find somebody else!

I miss even memories that never existed

[Phoenician]

u r young , proceed to ur future , and find ur match , compatibility us the mist imp and acceptance to ech other is a must

[Morphine]

Because I am fresh after the break up I am still hoping to get back with my ex who lefr me due to GIGS, but she is seeing someone atm as she said, its perfect.

 

Since Im fresh...I seem to be advocating for reconciliation if you THINK you LOVE her. There are many different ways to do that. If I were in your situation, I would just try even if ur ex has new bf. Yet again, I am only 3 wks post break up from my first love, first sex partnet. Id give everything to be with her even though she left me due to GIGS. Beta male, eh?