SycamoreCircle Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Fierce dream. When I woke, I kept holding myself and my breath which was close and on me felt to be running off diesel energy. I killed her. I killed the relationship. I realize now. I realize that her behavior, seemingly impulsive, seemingly chaotic, in the manner of a piece of evidence from a violent crime, perfectly fits another half on the other side of town, linking the criminal, me. I've been preaching to lost souls on here about boundaries, never realizing what I did to her. I became like weeds, growing all over her. I didn't recognize that she needed something gentler, something more gathered and directed. I was growing and stinking out of every pore. It felt free to me. It felt like happiness. I thought that was intimacy. But intimacy is not boundlessness. Intimacy is ever gauging our partner's needs and matching that. And I failed her. I became something so primitive and wild. No wonder she hated me. She was too young for me. She couldn't fight me, in the least. In the end, when I kissed her, she cringed. I attribute part of this to genetics--- my father, who massacred my mother. Why didn't I know better? What is wrong with me? I'm not suited for any sort of relationship. This life within me enables me to make things, and think differently, but I'm forever fighting assimilation. And that's all she needed, just a little getting on her level. She was too young. Too fragile. Intimacy is not being your naked self. It is being a steadied, studied nakedness. And I was feverish, gross, overgrown, feral and incinerating. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Give the weed a break for a few days and then respond to this post in a sober state. Just to see what you think then... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Fierce dream. When I woke, I kept holding myself and my breath which was close and on me felt to be running off diesel energy. I killed her. I killed the relationship. I realize now. I realize that her behavior, seemingly impulsive, seemingly chaotic, in the manner of a piece of evidence from a violent crime, perfectly fits another half on the other side of town, linking the criminal, me. I've been preaching to lost souls on here about boundaries, never realizing what I did to her. I became like weeds, growing all over her. I didn't recognize that she needed something gentler, something more gathered and directed. I was growing and stinking out of every pore. It felt free to me. It felt like happiness. I thought that was intimacy. But intimacy is not boundlessness. Intimacy is ever gauging our partner's needs and matching that. And I failed her. I became something so primitive and wild. No wonder she hated me. She was too young for me. She couldn't fight me, in the least. In the end, when I kissed her, she cringed. I attribute part of this to genetics--- my father, who massacred my mother. Why didn't I know better? What is wrong with me? I'm not suited for any sort of relationship. This life within me enables me to make things, and think differently, but I'm forever fighting assimilation. And that's all she needed, just a little getting on her level. She was too young. Too fragile. Intimacy is not being your naked self. It is being a steadied, studied nakedness. And I was feverish, gross, overgrown, feral and incinerating. Most of you said here resonates with me deeply. I feel like I should of been gentler, steadier and more direct with my ex to avoid sending mixed messages to her. I gave the impression of a little boy who was lost in a store looking for an adult to help him find his mommy, instead of an adult that can read signs and lead his own way out of a jam. \ Everyday I feel the guilt of killing somebody close to me. The relationship was a life and I destroyed it. Some of her behavior helped lead to its own demise, but I was the one who pulled the trigger, it scared her and she left. Give the weed a break for a few days and then respond to this post in a sober state. Just to see what you think then... I'm curious to why you said this. Link to post Share on other sites
kasop Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (edited) Stop beating yourself up. Alot of us do this. We didnt realize what we were doing til its to late. She was there for me everyday and ment the world to me. And i pushed her away to the point of no return. Now im a wreck. It took me about a month after my last attempt of begging to figure it out. I have the dreams too. But seriously beating yourself up when you make those realizations is the last thing u should do. Take it as a lesson well learned and move on. Edited May 30, 2015 by kasop 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Why didn't I know better? What is wrong with me? I'm not suited for any sort of relationship. Dating is about finding out what you want and what you don't want in a relationship and you can;t find out those things without going thru some relationships. Nothing is wrong with you... you are accepting responsibility for the demise of something that isn't your fault... You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it and the opposite is true as well... Stop beating yourself up, she most likely wasn't all that. You just need to let it go and put your energy into someone new... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Yeah, I guess I did go overboard. It does let me know that I still have deep seated feelings of self-loathing over this. Most of what I alleged in that post is spot on, but she was a lousy partner. She became selfish and didn't fight for us. She didn't make one fµcking attempt. She knew that if she came clean about anything, we could have worked through it. And she didn't want that. She wanted that other fµcking guy and what his status did for her self-perception. Even now that he dropped her for another girl, she follows him around because of how he can supplement her career. Disgusting sycophant. This wasn't weed inspired. But this entire week, when I wake, my feelings are so intense and lucid. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Thread title change would be good. Link to post Share on other sites
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