Anger a normal part of BU grieving stages?

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Almost five weeks after BU, and it's been one rough ride. I've gone through so many tears, sleepless nights, driving my friends and family nuts by talking about him so much, drunken emotional shenanigans, incessantly Googling breakups to see if anyone shares this pain, blocking and unblocking, going NC and breaking it all over again..

 

Then it's like one day last week, I just got PISSED. I remember it vividly. I woke up at 2:30 in the morning, and just thought "I hate him."

 

He gained everything from the relationship, and I lost everything. I even lost a job I worked really hard to get because of something he did. I've struggled ever since financially. He never acknowledged his part in it. I maxed out my credit card so he could visit home, because I LOVED him and knew he worked hard with the Army and wanted to see his family. He wouldn't invite me. I'm also pretty sure he cheated while down there. I gave him so much money, because he was so irresponsible with his.

 

I cooked, cleaned, did all his laundry. He told me in the beginning he could see us getting married, so I thought all this giving would be returned in the end. I stayed home almost every weekend because he wanted to "go out with the boys" and didn't want me around ruining his good time. If I went out, I risked running into him in this small town and annoying him.

 

I basically stalled my life for him, like a fool.

 

What did I get? Nothing. I became broke, bitter and gained weight. I was stressed because of money. I could never trust him. I waited until the wee hours of the morning to pick his drunk ass up from the bar so he would be safe, even when I had to work the next morning. I endured his drunken stunts and cruel words, his pulling away from me emotionally and physically. What's worse, he expected me to do all this "like a woman should", and I did things I told myself I never would because I loved him.

 

I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is it wrong to hate someone like this? I have no desire to be with him again. Sometimes I think that, if given the chance, I would want revenge for all I've lost. I can honestly say I hate him with every fiber of my being. My mother told me the day would come when I'd be angry, and then I'd be over the relationship.

 

Well now I'm over the relationship, but consumed by hatred and anger, not only at him but at myself for being such a fool. I get so angry that I cry.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this feeling, and how you dealt with it. Is it a normal part of the process to be angry and hate someone you once loved with everything you had? Is this anger just masking my pain and will the pain come back and hit me full force all over again?

[SLee]

The anger started for me too when I started seeing all the messed up stuff my ex did and how he was practically getting off scot free. So yes, VERY VERY normal.

 

I dealt with it by doing physical activities I enjoyed like theatre, dance, and figure skating. So if you enjoy sports or running or going to the gym, it feels really freaking good to channel anger 100% into that, since anger is such a physical emotion that way.

 

I also wrote a lot. I wrote a long never sent letter to him and just getting ALL OF IT out of me. The more I did to get the anger out, the more empowered I felt, in a weird way. After 90 minutes of ballet (more physically taxing than it looks! lol) or figure skating I felt SO empowered using the energy that way, like I could take over the world. Even spending x-amount of time furiously typing away at a keyboard made me feel that way. So that's what I got out of the anger, so I encourage you to channel it that way.

 

As for the pain, like the sad miserable stuff, for me it came and went. I'd be SO PISSED and then I'd just miss him and be mopey and sad. It comes and goes, but the good thing is that with each swing, it lessens a bit or doesn't last as long each successive time.

 

Don't be angry at yourself if you can help it, direct all that energy in your head towards him. It feels better.

 

It's an aspect of a break up that is going to happen and you have to work through. Be as angry as you need to and don't internalize. Get it out in healthy ways.

 

Completely normal and you should acknowledge it and feel it fully.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

The anger started for me too when I started seeing all the messed up stuff my ex did and how he was practically getting off scot free. So yes, VERY VERY normal.

 

I dealt with it by doing physical activities I enjoyed like theatre, dance, and figure skating. So if you enjoy sports or running or going to the gym, it feels really freaking good to channel anger 100% into that, since anger is such a physical emotion that way.

 

I also wrote a lot. I wrote a long never sent letter to him and just getting ALL OF IT out of me. The more I did to get the anger out, the more empowered I felt, in a weird way. After 90 minutes of ballet (more physically taxing than it looks! lol) or figure skating I felt SO empowered using the energy that way, like I could take over the world. Even spending x-amount of time furiously typing away at a keyboard made me feel that way. So that's what I got out of the anger, so I encourage you to channel it that way.

 

As for the pain, like the sad miserable stuff, for me it came and went. I'd be SO PISSED and then I'd just miss him and be mopey and sad. It comes and goes, but the good thing is that with each swing, it lessens a bit or doesn't last as long each successive time.

 

Don't be angry at yourself if you can help it, direct all that energy in your head towards him. It feels better.

 

It's an aspect of a break up that is going to happen and you have to work through. Be as angry as you need to and don't internalize. Get it out in healthy ways.

 

Completely normal and you should acknowledge it and feel it fully.

 

That's exactly how I feel, like he's getting off scot free and I'm feeling all the pain and loss.

 

I went to the gym (actually two gyms) for the first time since the BU yesterday. It felt good, and I felt happy. And just about an hour or two ago the anger hit me again. I was half tempted to break NC and b*tch him out, but I know it wouldn't do any good.

 

He will never see the error of his ways. I'm really starting to think he's a narcissist. He deflects all his wrongdoings onto me, and when he left he made the dissolution of our relationship out to be solely on me.

 

I know it sounds awful, but there are times that I hope his drunkenness will catch up to him. I saved him a few times and now I'm not there. Maybe then and only then he will learn his lesson. It's almost as if I wish bad things on him and that scares me because I'm not usually that type of person at all.

[TunaCat]

Absolutely normal.

 

My multiple anger phases came at different times.

 

The first time was when it first happened. I was so, so angry with him. It lasted about a week.

 

The second time was when I found out he was dating a mutual acquaintance of ours only 3 weeks after the breakup. That lasted about a week.

 

The most recent anger phase came this week because it's been 2 months since the breakup and I'm really missing him.

[BC1980]

Anger is normal, essential even. I'd say you aren't human if you get dumped and never feel any anger. Of course, you're angry. I wrote some really angry letters to my ex that I never sent, but doing that helped me unpack exactly why I was angry. There's a lot to be angry about when a relationship sours, and one of the things I was angriest about what my ex not keeping his word. When I found out he was getting married, I went through some residual anger that he was getting engaged while I was at the height of my grief. Boy, that pissed me off really well at the time. There were many times, over the past year and half, that I would just seethe with anger. But it would always pass.

 

But I let myself feel the anger and got it all out. I'm glad I did because now I feel absolutely nothing. I feel no anger, hatred, sadness. I feel nothing.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Would you agree that it's better to feel angry than to be sad? That's what I hear a lot of people say.

 

But what concerns me is not only that I'm angry, but I find myself despising him. Like, "I wouldn't urinate on you if you were on fire" despising.

 

Perhaps it will pass. That's why I think it's best to avoid the places he goes for the next few weeks.

 

I think I'm most angry at myself, though. I let myself down the most.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Would you agree that it's better to feel angry than to be sad? That's what I hear a lot of people say.

 

But what concerns me is not only that I'm angry, but I find myself despising him. Like, "I wouldn't urinate on you if you were on fire" despising.

 

Perhaps it will pass. That's why I think it's best to avoid the places he goes for the next few weeks.

 

I think I'm most angry at myself, though. I let myself down the most.

 

I don't think either emotion (anger or sadness) is better or worse than the other. They are both normal and necessary. Anger can he a h*ll of a ride, so I don't think I would say it's better than sadness. Anger can eat you alive if you allow it to fester and don't process and learn from it. Sadness/depression can suck the life out of you and render you hopeless.

 

I definitely think that your despising him is normal from time to time. I've actually thought nearly the exact same thing about my ex as what you quoted above It's very powerful to love another human being, and a betrayal of that love can bring about some pretty powerful feelings.

 

You know, I was also extremely angry that my ex was the source of all the pain I went through. Because at the time, I certainly didn't want to feel anger and sadness. I didn't want to buy books on grief and learn how to cope. And I saw him as the ultimate source of all of my problems and pain. And I hated him for that. But once I took some of the responsibility on myself and realized that I could learn from all of this, my emotions became somewhat easier to bear. It's a long and winding road, but you will make it.

[SLee]

I agree with BC1980.

 

The one positive I found of anger vs. sadness is that anger gave me a crap ton of energy where as sadness totally drained me and made me just wanna mope around all day.

 

Even the anger of "you're such a turd of a human being and you're a complete jacka** for this crap" comes and goes. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I miss him terribly and almost feel guilty for feeling angry. This comes and goes and time is a slow, but good, healer.

 

Both will fade in time and eventually comes the sweetness of overall indifference.