Learning to forgive myself

[Calidude6]

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself ever since she broke up with me. I didn't do any major damage like cheating or abusing her but as I thought of everything about our relationship, I know I'm the major reason we broke up. I know it takes two in a relationship but she didn't mess up like I did. After I got really comfortable and in love with her, I kind of stopped doing the things I did when we first started dating. I let the fire I had burned down.

 

So a few times during the week, I think about it and I'm just having trouble forgiving myself for the things I did or didn't do. This relationship was a very good one, a potential relationship to go far in life. I beat myself up and I shouldn't. All I can tell myself is why did I do these things or why I didn't do these things? I just tell myself it's a lesson learned to improve myself as a person but I had to lose her to learn something and that hurts.

 

Was this supposed to happen to teach me a lesson and make me better? I don't know but knowing I'm the reason we broke up kills me inside and I can't forgive myself. I really wish I was given a 2nd chance after everything I noticed and learn on what I did wrong but it was to late. All I can hope is that she is happy because she deserves it and all I can do is take these mistakes I made and learn to never do it again.

 

I'm mad at myself and I'm sorry but hopefully that one day will come and I can truly forgive myself and move on completely.

[Satu]

Don't beat yourself up, it never helps.

 

Take responsibility for what you did and resolve never to do it again.

 

Human Beings are malleable, we can change.

 

Some people want life and their relationships to change, whilst they stay the same.

 

That just isn't how it works.

 

Decide what you want to change about yourself, and work on it consistently.

 

Thats how we grow.

 

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

[Calidude6]

Don't beat yourself up, it never helps.

 

Take responsibility for what you did and resolve never to do it again.

 

Human Beings are malleable, we can change.

 

Some people want life and their relationships to change, whilst they stay the same.

 

That just isn't how it works.

 

Decide what you want to change about yourself, and work on it consistently.

 

Thats how we grow.

 

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

 

You're awesome with all your advice and encouragement. Thank you

[Calidude6]

Don't beat yourself up, it never helps.

 

Take responsibility for what you did and resolve never to do it again.

 

Human Beings are malleable, we can change.

 

Some people want life and their relationships to change, whilst they stay the same.

 

That just isn't how it works.

 

Decide what you want to change about yourself, and work on it consistently.

 

Thats how we grow.

 

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

 

I just wish I learned this on someone else and not her but it is what it is

[Satu]

I just wish I learned this on someone else and not her but it is what it is

 

I know exactly what you mean.

 

Been there:(

[johan]

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself ever since she broke up with me. I didn't do any major damage like cheating or abusing her but as I thought of everything about our relationship, I know I'm the major reason we broke up. I know it takes two in a relationship but she didn't mess up like I did. After I got really comfortable and in love with her, I kind of stopped doing the things I did when we first started dating. I let the fire I had burned down.

 

So a few times during the week, I think about it and I'm just having trouble forgiving myself for the things I did or didn't do. This relationship was a very good one, a potential relationship to go far in life. I beat myself up and I shouldn't. All I can tell myself is why did I do these things or why I didn't do these things? I just tell myself it's a lesson learned to improve myself as a person but I had to lose her to learn something and that hurts.

 

Was this supposed to happen to teach me a lesson and make me better? I don't know but knowing I'm the reason we broke up kills me inside and I can't forgive myself. I really wish I was given a 2nd chance after everything I noticed and learn on what I did wrong but it was to late. All I can hope is that she is happy because she deserves it and all I can do is take these mistakes I made and learn to never do it again.

 

I'm mad at myself and I'm sorry but hopefully that one day will come and I can truly forgive myself and move on completely.

 

I think it's really positive you recognize even this. A lot of guys feel miserable after the breakup and don't really understand why. They hate that the relationship ended and they obsess over strategies to make the pain go away, but they don't understand how angry and upset they are at themselves. They maybe can't face it, and they call it love for the ex and caring for how she's doing while they are tearing themselves down and making it hard on themselves, trying to fix it all and be a hero after the fact.

 

But I've been there where you are. The sooner you can forgive yourself, the sooner you'll be able to move on. Part of forgiving yourself is not taking on more blame than is righfully yours. She was in the relationship, too, after all. And the breakup. How much of the blame is hers? If you were Mr. Perfect, would things have lasted forever, or were there things going on with her that had to be overcome as well?

 

Are you idealizing the relationship? Did you think it was so great while you were in it?

 

None of us is perfect in our relationships. Even couples that last decades still do dumb things and have to work on things. What makes it go the distance is maturity and compromise and dedication. Those things just weren't there in your relationship. I doubt it's not all on you. You'll be pretty much the same guy doing the same things in the relationship you have someday that will last.