Angry that my ex decided to get in touch

[backandforth]

I don't know how many of you this has happened to but here goes.

 

Implemented strict NC about two months ago. Unfriended on social media, sent a last, very clear message emphasizing my need to move on.

 

Didn't hear anything, which was good. Felt like I was making some progress, getting myself back, thinking of her less and less.

 

Then the message comes about a week ago; a random one asking if I'd gotten a job I'd applied for a while back, then asking about my family.

 

I responded but kept it all very brief. I don't want to block her completely because there may need to be some business things I need to take care of (I recently moved back to my own country after living in her's for a year).

 

Now I'm thinking about her again and it's making me both sad and angry. I feel like I've lost ground, and realised that my feelings for her haven't changed. Been feeling like sh*t the last few days.

 

Can anyone relate?

[erklat]

That is the reason why you don't accept her breadcrumbs.

[backandforth]

I don't think it would have made a difference if I responded or not. It's just the fact that the message was sent in the first place that's got me.

[TaraMaiden2]

No, replying made it worse.

You engaged.

 

you acknowledged and let her know she could still get to you if she wanted to.

 

Dumpers don't dump, then fish.

Hauling you up on a line is not a privilege they're entitled to.

 

edit to add: She didn't break No Contact. YOU did. By responding. Had you not responded, No Contact would still be intact. No matter how many lines they throw, if you don't respond, then NC can't be compromised....

 

If you need to get in touch with her for business reasons, that's one thing.

You keep it strictly on a business level, you don't stray into the personal, you do not invade their privacy, and you do not assume it's perfectly ok to make idle chit-chat and enquire as to their circumstances.

Business is business.

 

She wasn't 'business'.

 

Therefore, you should have left well alone.

Edited May 25, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[RoseHeart]

I don't really agree with people who have a issue with you responding. I personally feel like it shows that you aren't angry or upset with her and have come to terms with things. Remaining silent is something I would interpret as the other person still having a issue with me. I mean obviously it depends on the person and their nature but for me, I like being friendly and even when it comes to ex's I can't just not respond or flat out ignore them simply because they don't want me in a romantic way. It doesn't mean they don't care about me or that I can't be civilized. I don't ignore anyone so why do it to a ex simply asking me something.

 

But anyways I can relate to you. I've also had ex's text me out of the blue. I had a ex call me after YEARS one day completely randomly. I wasn't with my phone at that time but obviously it made me wonder why although I never called/texted them back. I try to just let go and basically see it as a way of saying "We're good". I'm not going to go above and beyond for them unless they make it 100% clear they want me back in their life. Then I'd consider doing more than just answering their question. So basically I would have likely done what you did as well.

 

I've never felt like I did any harm whatsoever by just responding briefly. Not once. However I have felt that harm was done the few times I flat out ignored someone OR on the flipside, did more than just respond briefly but rather coming across as needy so I'm very careful with selecting my words right.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't really agree with people who have a issue with you responding. I personally feel like it shows that you aren't angry or upset with her and have come to terms with things.

 

That's just it. He hasn't.

 

....Now I'm thinking about her again and it's making me both sad and angry. I feel like I've lost ground, and realised that my feelings for her haven't changed. Been feeling like sh*t the last few days.

 

...It's just the fact that the message was sent in the first place that's got me.

 

 

 

Remaining silent is something I would interpret as the other person still having a issue with me.

Absolutely. And the OP obviously has.

It's his prerogative to contact her.

As dumper, it is absolutely neither her right, nor prerogative to invade his attention.

 

I mean obviously it depends on the person and their nature but for me, I like being friendly and even when it comes to ex's I can't just not respond or flat out ignore them simply because they don't want me in a romantic way. It doesn't mean they don't care about me or that I can't be civilized. I don't ignore anyone so why do it to a ex simply asking me something.

Because the message was neither important, nor pertinent.

It wasn't about anything if significance.

These types of messages from ex/dumpers have one motive, and one only (be it conscious or otherwise):

Pay me attention, reply and therefore demonstrate to me that I can still get to you. (As was articulated so eloquently by the OP.)

 

.... I had a ex call me after YEARS one day completely randomly. I wasn't with my phone at that time but obviously it made me wonder why although I never called/texted them back. I try to just let go and basically see it as a way of saying "We're good". I'm not going to go above and beyond for them unless they make it 100% clear they want me back in their life. Then I'd consider doing more than just answering their question. So basically I would have likely done what you did as well.

 

So...hang on....sorry, first of all, you say there's no harm in responding because it shows you are moving on with things - then you state you refused to respond to your caller unless it's to get you back into their life....?

I can't help feeling you're totally contradicting yourself, here....

 

I've never felt like I did any harm whatsoever by just responding briefly. Not once. However I have felt that harm was done the few times I flat out ignored someone OR on the flipside, did more than just respond briefly but rather coming across as needy so I'm very careful with selecting my words right.

It has been tried and tested, time and time again on this forum.

Those who respond to inane, pointless and utterly inconsequential messages from their exes always, but always suffer an aftermath.

It's not about how it makes the dumper feel, whether it's rude or unsociable, or whether they feel slighted, offended or 'harmed'.

No Contact is all about the Dumpee's state of mind, their well-being and their progress.

The ex is gone.

Out of their lives.

It's over and done with.

That was the Dumper's decision.

All responsibility for the dumper's feelings, curiosity, chit-chat or requirements are completely abdicated and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to respond to them.

[backandforth]

Getting feisty in here! Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. You all make valid points.

 

I maintain that I would feel the same if I hadn't responded. In fact, I think that if I didn't respond, it would probably knaw away at me and make me feel worse.

 

For the record. I have no intention of making any further contact. I'm not interpreting this as anything more than a random message. I do not expect her to contact me again. If she does, I'll only respond by asking her not to make any further contact.

[TaraMaiden2]

I wouldn't DARE get feisty in here.

I'm just back from a 'wee forum holiday', so I'm not about to pack my suitcase again for an extended vacation...!

 

Contact form an ex affects people in different ways, but the steadfast and solid-gold rule is to NEVER respond.

 

It jut sets up shock-waves in your mind.

 

The next time she tries to contact you - simply do not give her the time of day.

An unbroken silence speaks volumes and will communicate far more succinctly and accurately, what "Please don't Contact me any more" would.

 

All they see in your reply, is resentment and hurt.

 

Silence leaves them having to go figure things out for thmselves.

[RedButton]

I can relate. I made a threat about my thing as well, but basically my Ex seems to have moved into my neighborhood or is dating someone who lives in my area, because I hadn't made any contact for six months and now I've seen her three times in three weeks in the street around my home.

 

Until then I'd been moving on really well, met someone new and have been thinking about her hardly at all, then suddenly I see her all the time and it's so upsetting for me.

 

I'm still debating if I should just say hello to her next time I see her on the street, or wonder if she would do the same to me. The first time I saw her I was on a date, so maybe she purposely didn't say anything, next two times I saw her and don't think she saw me.

 

Hang in there, this might just be a set-back. You should recover faster than you did last time.

[RoseHeart]

 

So...hang on....sorry, first of all, you say there's no harm in responding because it shows you are moving on with things - then you state you refused to respond to your caller unless it's to get you back into their life....?

I can't help feeling you're totally contradicting yourself, here....

 

 

I didn't answer because I was busy with a exam if I remember and I figured if he truly wanted to talk to me he'll call me again or send me a text message like most people do when they can't reach me via phone. I also simply put didn't feel like wasting my airtime on a guy who left me years ago and who I had no idea what to say to. It's a lot more expensive here to call people and I'm in permanent stressful situations due to financial issues. I wasn't prepared to use my money to phone someone back who called me once and who didn't even feel like trying again or at least sending me a text.

 

People shouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions on here without knowing the full story.

 

Everybody deals with break ups the way they want. There's no right or wrong. It's about what works for the individual. I always remain NC for as long as possible but if a ex contacts me and I feel ready I will respond if I feel like it. I don't need to justify that or really see why it's wrong. I'll repeat what I said. NOTHING bad has ever happened to me because I responded to a ex. Not one single time did I regret it or felt like I shouldn't have done it. However I do not advocate people contacting their ex's first or responding if they cannot do so with a clear mind.

 

 

Also just on a side note. As someone who has been a dumper too I can assure anyone that I don't assume a guy still wants me just because he replies to my texts if I send him one. Not once have I thought "oh this guy definitely still wants me!" just because of one or two text message exchanges.

Edited May 25, 2015 by RoseHeart