Sexual Jealousy/Insecurity with Ex

[GreenWellington]

It's been 6 weeks since the break up, she left me. It was for the best, and in hindsight it definitely was. Ive made good improvements in coping over the past few weeks. My appetite is back and I'm eating well, and Ive been hitting the gym regularly now that I have the energy again.

 

I don't wish any harm to my ex girlfriend, and overall I've been dealing with the whole situation well. I've accepted many aspects of the break up but there is one thing that I still have trouble getting over, and that is her with other men.

 

I'm able to rationalize it and accept it on paper. I do not own her. She can do what she wants with her life now, I shouldn't be possessive, I have no reason to be, and she is not my problem anymore therefore what she does with others shouldn't be a concern of mine.

 

The reason it bothers me so much is perhaps because of the dynamics of our sexual relationship. We had amazing passionate sex and she was an absolutely very skilled person in the bedroom. It was without a doubt the best sex I've ever had to this day of all my sexual partners I've had so far.

 

I know her well enough to know that by now she has already most likely slept with or is planning on sleeping with other men very soon. She was a very sexual person and coped by sleeping with other people very soon after break ups. She had told me before. She also had a very high number of sexual partners before me and she was the type of girl to have one night stands.

 

She is going to the Caribbean to visit family in a week. The last time she was there was before we started dating and she said she had slept around while she was there. I know she will be seeing and being around the same men that she was around last time, and I almost know for a fact that she will have sex with him again now that she's single and taking advantage of life again.

 

I'm just torn. I know I shouldnt be, I know. But I can't help the thoughts of her having hot passionate sex lusting for these new men. She was a very attractive women, a total bomb. And I know men are literally lined up for her right now as soon as they heard about our break up.

 

I think it's part jealousy as well and insecurity on my part. She could literally choose from a dozen guys and have sex when she wants while I'm here knowing that will not happen anytime soon. It is not my personality type in the first place and it would also be difficult for me being a man.

 

I think I just needed to vent. I know this is a common issue with break ups. I'm trying to get over it, but it's stronger than me some days and it eats at me. I know I should get over these insecurities and this jealousy that shouldn't be a problem anymore, but it's difficult.

 

What are your experiences dealing and living with similar thoughts?

 

Thanks for reading

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I'm seeing both sides of this right now, and can totally relate. I find myself sexually attracted to my ex still, and I'm not exactly sure I could say no if he approached me for sex. After breakups, it's common to not want to "add more notches to your bedpost" and want sex with someone you're sexually familiar with, especially if you're not a sexually adventurous person. Imagining them sharing those amazing sexual moments with someone else can be excrutiating.

 

I was a lot like your ex before I met my ex. I was very sexually active. Admittedly so, and I'm not proud of it. I had quite a few sexual partners, and he knew of this. Now, since we've broken up, he assumes I've gone back to being the same person. He has become jealous and tried to milk info out of me on my sex life. That's simply not the case. Whereas in the past I may have used sex to deal with pain, I haven't slept with anyone yet, and perhaps your ex feels the same. You never know.

 

But they're eventually going to sleep with someone else. We all have needs. In the end, try not to think about that. It really is a superficial way of moving on IMO. It will make them feel good in the moment, but if she's had a hard time with the breakup that sex will do little to help her feel better. ONS usually mean nothing, and usually turn into nothing. Hang in there. Keep yourself busy during those times you think she could be out there sleeping with someone. After awhile, you won't even care.

[I_Give_Up67]

I

I'm able to rationalize it and accept it on paper. I do not own her. She can do what she wants with her life now, I shouldn't be possessive, I have no reason to be, and she is not my problem anymore therefore what she does with others shouldn't be a concern of mine.

 

 

It won't be easy for you, but you have to let her go. Do what ever you have to do, to get her out of your mind. You will drive yourself mad if you imagine her giving it up to some other guy. If you can do so, go find yourself a rebound friend ASAP!

 

If she's able to move on this quickly, you must try your best to do so as well. These thoughts you are having can cause you to self-emasculate if you continue thinking about her with other men.

 

I've had two women like this in my past, and at the time I ended up hooking up with random women to help me even the score, at least in my own mind. But it really did not help me in the end because I lacked zero emotional attachment to them. Only time ultimately got those breakups out of my head. But if you can seriously meet someone new and establish an emotional bond with them, it may speed up your healing.

[GreenWellington]

You're both right...it's just difficult and it's a question of managing my thoughts and not letting them get out of control. I think we've all been there and we can admit to having wild imaginations sometimes but in the end we're just hurting ourselves. Our ex's are most likely not having sex every night with new men/women.

 

I just feel incredibly alone in my life at this point. I don't have many friends in this city (I moved here for my degree), and no family either. She on the other hand, has all of her family and a ton of friends and I know that she's most likely moving on very well without me at this point. And that hurts the most. She would get hit on every day at work or out and about with her friends, if I was in her place, how could moving on be so hard? Knowing you have so many options when you want at a snap of your fingers is a relief and also a big self-esteem boost.

 

I'm sure if I had a social circle here and other girls I could talk to/start something with, moving on would be infinitely easier.

 

My last ex before this one had cheated on me and was sleeping with a new guy 2 weeks after the break up, and somehow it hurt less than this. Don't ask me why. Maybe it was because I had no choice to accept it, but this time around I can only assume and imagine what she is doing..

[NopeNah]

My advice: Go do the same. I'm not talking about looking for a relationship/rebound. I'm talking about finding a few one night stands,fwb,ect.. It's like the movie "forgetting Sarah Marshall"..Your relationship is like the Soprano's(OVER)..Find a new show.

[DJOkawari]

No real advice here, just wanted to say that a lot of the particulars of your situation echo mine from a month or so ago and with NC those emotions pass. Beating yourself up for not "understanding" the logic Will probably extend your healing time. You're jealous and that's okay. If you're still in the same place a while from now you should probably get some help but that's my advice for all break up emotions.

 

My twist on your situation is that its been a while for me now but for some reason I'm just not interested in sex at all. The sadness/jealousy have passed for me at this point but I still have no desire. Life is a funny thing.

Edited May 20, 2015 by DJOkawari