Troubled with life now. Not sure where to go.

[Opinions]

I hope this is the proper place to post this.

 

This one girl was my everything. I loved her, I cherished her, I did everything in my power to make things work with her. Then she ended it for an old love that came back into her life. We didn't speak for over a year. She came back, we tried it again, and she ended it again. Not for another person but simply because she says it was never meant to be. If that's the case than so be it. She hopes I can forgive her for all the pain she's caused me over the years and she wants me to heal and find a girl that'll be there to make me happy. I told her that I forgive her because I would never do anything to make her hurt and suffer, but in reality I'm so unbelievably angry. I just hate it. I hate how years of my life have been for not. I hate that this one woman, the only one I ever found to seem to care for me on a truly deep level, rather than the usual skin deep "oh he's built and decent looking" feelings I get from most women I meet, only had fleeting feelings for me and she always hid her true feelings and let me continue on only to completely abandon me twice. And yet, I always fought after her until finally I couldn't emotionally take it anymore. I told her I couldn't stay around as a friend in her life until I found some meaning in my life again, until I was able to love another again. She told me that if I ever stopped liking her as a friend it would kill her and I'm so afraid of what might come of this. This whole ordeal has left me scarred beyond repair. I hate everyone I look at. Every person I see, I get this awful ball of anger inside of me, especially when they talk, yet on the outside I'm the same old me, the same joyful, happy person always asking everyone how they are doing, how their life has been, and laughing with them over everything. I drink, I party, I flirt with women, but inside I'm so unhappy, so alone that I just can't stand it anymore.

Leaving this girl in my past is something that is killing me. It kills me because she never fights for me and I'll never have her. I hate her for causing so much confusion in my life, yet I love her for being able to be the only person I have ever truly been myself with and I just love her in general. Now I literally want to crawl into a bottle, sleep with random people, and drink myself to death. I'm so twisted up, all from this one woman. She wasn't my first love, she was far from the first woman I've ever been with, but she just brought so much to my life and I fell for her the very first time we talked and I've only grown deeper and deeper in love with her since.

 

Here is her last email to me. I'm posting it, not out of disrespect, but just so people can see everything from her point of view and not see her as a monster:

 

"I will say what I need to say. I wish I could elaborate or simply make it longer, just to fill the page, but being direct is best now.

 

 

I don't want anything. I don't want to be in a romance, I don't want to marry, I don't want to ****, nothing. It kills me to know that I cannot reciprocate such a strong feeling. It kills me to know that my absence makes you suffer, but I know that so does my presence. I love you in a different way, in a friendly way. I did have feelings for you once, but they were like pixie dust... They made me fly for a short while, but eventually I'd put my feet on the ground again.

 

 

I don't think you should apologise for being who you are. People don't get to choose to whom they'll give their love, care and affection. I tried, B, I tried twice and I really did realise that, no, this is not supposed to be. It never was, it never shall be anything.

 

 

I am a person who didn't know how to say "no". I am always afraid of hurting people and I end up doing that anyway. I am destructive. Someone once told me that I am full of myself for thinking so. Well, I don't think so, I know so. I grow sick of people easily, I get fed up of the same routine. Only once was I able to create real boundaries with someone, and he ended up being married and a father. I have promised to myself that I won't live in denial, but I will say no whenever my heart tells me it's the right thing to do. Most people care nothing for my feelings, so I'll adopt the same lifestyle. It's survival, and I need to survive.

 

 

Karma is a bitch and it has come back to me. I am suffering now, physically and mentally, and most likely because of all that I have done. But there is no hope for the future, nothing. There is no us, there won't be an us.

 

I am sorry. I will understand if you despise me for eternity. I won't contact you again because I want you to heal. I want you to forget the love you feel for me and find a nice girl for you. If not there, then wherever life takes you. Just be wary of people with you just for your money.

 

 

Be well. I truly do wish that. And, please, forgive me if you can."

 

 

 

My best friend I've ever had is about to move away and I hate him for it, yet he has his own life and dreams to chase, and one of my other 2 closest friends is on the other side of the world now, and the other one has been in a depression clinic for 8 months and I haven't heard a peep from him in 4. I'm so angry and alone. I do hang around with people, I work out with a tight family of people because it's a small powerlifting gym so everyone knows everyone, yet I don't fit in anywhere. I enjoy weightlifting because it lets me release my anger, but the lifestyle is not mine. I recently destroyed my shoulder in an accident, unrelated to lifting, so I can't even lift anymore for 3 or more months. All I can lift is a surgical band to do shoulder therapy, but I keep myself in shape by doing leg and core only exercises but I can only do them once a week. I had to watch my 60 year old dad struggle to move these large logs from a tree that was cut down and I could only move some twigs around because he'd yell at me for trying to lift anything heavy. I enjoy mountain biking, but I don't fit in with the culture because I don't live and breathe it. I try to fit in yet I never do. People like me around but they never fight to keep me around. I never show my negative side to anyone in person, I'm always there to give people advice and help and never expect anything in return.

 

I now just go and buy gear and crap I don't need because it gives me a temporary high of happiness and then my interest in it vanishes and I tend to sell it and feel bad about it for a few months afterwards. I'm still in the same crummy job I've been in for 5 years because it is flexible, pays well, and lets me live and do what I want to do.

 

I really don't know what to do now. I'm starting up classes in 2 weeks to chase after another degree, this time in accounting and business management. I try to smile and look at it in a positive light because I need to maintain my positivity but it's so hard to find anything positive out of the self torture that is college. I'm not a person made for a simple desk job. I tried nursing but found I didn't have the real compassion for it. I tried physics and engineering and though I have the ability to do the math with ease and think in the way people in those fields think, I just can't stand it. Those fields have zero draw for me. I really want to chase the only dream I've had and that is to open up a bar on the beach of some tourist island or country in the Caribbean/Central America and spend my life starring out at the ocean every day while serving people their drinks and grilled food in a little slice of paradise. If this current thing comes through for my family, I will do just that.

 

I might just have too big of a negative outlook on life right now. Nothing draws me in, nothing keeps me going, I've lost everyone I love that isn't family (and I'm only close to my parents and one uncle. I don't keep in touch with the rest of my family), and I fit in nowhere. So now I've just been taking life one step at a time and it's not fun and the mountain slope I'm on is getting steeper and there have been many false peaks. I get on one of them only to see the next one much higher up.

 

I guess I'm just writing this, not asking as much for help and advice, but rather to just get my story out to someone who might listen and might care. My parents care but I hate telling them because it makes them suffer, and my sister has never been close to me and tends to ignore me and my parents so I've stopped calling her family.

[Twigyy]

Hey there. I'm glad that you managed to open up and tell your story, and I'm sure that it made you feel better in a way. A lot of people here don't even know the reason to their break ups, and they go through different ways to get their questions answered, and hurt themselves along the way.You're one lucky dude that knows what's happening.

 

Start No Contact, and you should be able to heal pretty fast, and love again. The people here will be glad to help you with your no contact. Cheers.

[Shetland]

Hey

 

I know exactly how you feel. This whole thing just seems like a nightmare and you just want out, right?

 

It's really nice you got that letter I believe. She seems to be taking on the responsibility for the ending of the relationship. So really, you did nothing wrong. She seems to be like my ex, easily bored and wanting of new things. Its not their fault and they are not bad people. Who are we to stop them from being happy? Damn, it hurts though.

 

To me, that letter just shows dumpers are humans too and can rationalize and outline their breakups.

 

I feel for you man. Honestly, I wish there were meetup groups for people going through this kind of heartbreak. Not only will it help with loneliness, but we would actually feel free to talk about our situations.

 

I'm struggling too so lets hang in there together. The days are long but we ain't got nowhere to go but forward.

[Opinions]

@twigyy: I am thankful that she finally came through and told me everything. It killed me, but at least she respects me, and honestly she wants me in her life. I just can't have her in mine until I feel better and over her. I told her today I might never return. No reply but I'm not surprised because she wants me to heal and move on.

 

I do feel better sharing my story especially because I have no one here to talk to about it. I'm thankful for places like this. I'm not in any condition to really offer much help, but I'm grateful for what I get.

 

@Shetland: I read your post... I feel for you too. I dislike it that any others have to feel like I feel. Don't feel ashamed at all about your emotions. Just keep fighting for yourself and no longer for her.

 

I will admit, being dumped like this makes me never want to try again. Makes my walls way to high and defensive around everyone. The worst bit is she was able to get me to open up about many secrets and thoughts of mine that nobody knows and she was able to pry them all out of me.

 

Anyways, I agree on wishing there were groups for this. I definitely could use the company of others like this rather than the company of my thoughts.

 

Lets take those steps, haha! One day at a time. Before we know it, it'll be a week, a month, a year.

[crimsontactics]

Opinions, the first thing you should do is to analyse why you feel this way, so you can nip your pain in the butt.

 

I recommend you to write down on a paper, what do you like about her and what do you don't, and compare the differences.

 

From this exercise, you can see if you really truly loved her, or are other influences making you feel sad, like for instances having something taken away from you abruptly despite not loving her, a.k.a a child having his toys taken away from him and making him cry.

[Opinions]

crimson: I'll definitely do that. I've got a long night ahead of me so I'll try that out to see what I come up with.

 

I will say that I feel like this was a true love as she just brought feelings to me that I'll never understand but I'm going to give your tip a good solid try and hopefully that'll help out. Thank you

[fireflywy]

 

So now I've just been taking life one step at a time and it's not fun and the mountain slope I'm on is getting steeper and there have been many false peaks. I get on one of them only to see the next one much higher up.

 

 

In this, you are doing the right thing. You'll be surprised where even the smallest of steps takes you. Eventually you'll look up, and something new will take the place of what is slowly moving behind you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's hard.

 

I'm going through rough times too which has only been made immensely worse with the end of my relationship. My ex has a new man and I know I'll eventually see her out there which kills me, I lost my father last year, my older brother had a suicide scare, and I'm desperately trying for better employment which is turning out to be really hard (I have an M.A., a Bachelors', and two associates and am living at home now at 37) but everyday, I'm trying. It hasn't been easy and these last three months have been effing HARD.

 

I was depressed for the first two months. I felt devastated. My friends are moving on with their lives with wives and children and dating only gets harder. I finally had to sit back and ask what I wanted. What I want isn't definite, but I have a direction I want to go now, a place where I want to find myself.

 

I now wake up everyday, look for new jobs, and I now have a goal of where I want to live. Presently, I'm going through old college materials from my last degree to revamp my memory so I can finally use it (my ex derailed me). Everyday I work on me.

 

I watch this at least once a week.

 

 

Don't give up. Keep SEARCHING. Lightning is going to strike and all of this will pass.