Is this unhealthy?

[DJOkawari]

Today is the day I reached 4 weeks NC. The break up was 5.5 months ago, we tried to reconcile twice which is why the NC time is so short. I just don't know if some of my current behaviors are healthy.

 

Yesterday, I realized I was using NC to run from my true feelings, so I delved into my thoughts. I soon realized my sadness was a habit and was fake, there was nothing my ex could do to fix my sadness, I didn't want a lovey text or a reconciliation message and I haven't had that pain since that realization. I do not want to go backwards any more. The problem is I want something new and brilliant with her. I don't quite want a fresh start, lots of things were good. The break up was good. I'm not really thinking about a relationship but a future closeness like we shared before, maybe platonic - not right now, not as she is now, not as I am now but eventually at a better moment.

 

I think this is unhealthy as my ex is still on my mind a lot of the time. Also, obviously it is delusional. We often talked about how "I met you too early." or "I wish I met you after I was done exploring and making mistakes." I was in that state of mind during the relationship, I was in that state of mind during the break up initially, but the failed reconciliations and my seasonal depression made me weak and needy for her (it's a warm spring day here now...seriously a big part of why I feel so good), and now I'm back in that previous state of mind, so I don't want her back...in the near future. I also understand that logically anything said during the relationship has absolutely no meaning now, so these thoughts are ridiculous.

 

I've sort of created this idea in my mind that she thinks (it's my thought, I've projected it onto her) that we shouldn't talk until after the summer (when we both get back from travelling). My theory is that, at that moment, if I continue to heal and progress towards my ideal self, that we'll meet and be friends or fwb and we'll share out lives together in a healthy way. I actually think there is a good chance that she'll reach out to me. Or at least even if she hasn't had this thought, she'll be open to the idea. And if something more profound comes of it eventually? Well, I haven't thought that far - seriously. I'm just looking forward to sharing our lives with each other again.

 

I truly feel that the relationship was great and this break up was for the best and that we're travelling the paths that we need to now. When we split we didn't insult each other, we didn't do anything horrible to each other and I don't hate her for the break up (also it was based on a bad situation rather than incompatibility). I'm not ready to meet her again and she's not ready for me...but eventually, I'm sure we will be.

 

----

 

How do I eradicate this feeling? Should I? It's obviously not based in reality. I've tried convincing myself logically that everything is completely done (Look! you haven't had a decent conversation with her in months, she just doesn't care at all...she's happy NOT talking to you) but I just can't make myself believe it. I'm at peace because I know good times involving a great life lie ahead for me and somehow I believe she's a part of that. When we tried to reconcile I was still hurt from the BU and I was looking backwards, I wanted to turn back the clock. I'm not like that at all now and that's what gives me confidence in this idea. However, I'm not done and waiting, I'm continuing down my path. I'm still not who I want to be.

 

I'm talking a lot about myself progressing, but it also depends on her progression. She described her grand dreams to me and that's the person I want to meet up with. I doubt I will be interested in her if we meet up and I feel she has diverted from that. Maybe we'll be incompatible and I'm okay with that. It's weirdly empowering to think about that.

 

I did my best to explain. I can explain further. I apologize for the abstractness, I'm not a great writer but I wanted to express something complex.

 

I want reality to be like this, but I also don't want to be crushed in a few months. I don't want to still be obsessing over her in the future, I don't want to make a "12 months since BU, it's still hard for me" thread. I can see this is a crazy dream but it's making me happy and productive short-term and I think it's really possible long-term.

Edited April 19, 2015 by DJOkawari

[Ruby65]

My theory is that, at that moment, if I continue to heal and progress towards my ideal self, that we'll meet and be friends or fwb and we'll share out lives together in a healthy way. I actually think there is a good chance that she'll reach out to me. Or at least even if she hasn't had this thought, she'll be open to the idea. And if something more profound comes of it eventually? Well, I haven't thought that far - seriously. I'm just looking forward to sharing our lives with each other again.

 

^ This is classic Bargaining.

 

Google the 5 Stages of Grief model to read more about this. The stages are: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Many people, when faced with a loss, cycle through these stages. It might help you understand why you're suddenly so keen on this new idea, this new way of negotiating your way back into a relationship with her.

 

In reality, you WILL have a wonderful relationship again... it just will never be with her.

 

Your future new way-better girlfriend will make you forget all about waiting around to meet your future somewhat-improved ex -- and the last thing she'll want is for you to be hanging on to some type of "friendship" with an ex who ended things long ago.

[DJOkawari]

Thanks, I needed that. As I was saying, I knew it was crazy but I couldn't snap myself out of it. Thanks for that.

 

I thought this was a good idea as I wasn't looking for the old relationship back, I've made my peace with that ending. That weight lifting off of my chest feeling might've been the end of "denial" being one of the stages I cycled through. I noticed anger was done a while ago. Depression is around, apparently bargaining is around. Hopefully acceptance is around the corner.

 

I thought it was okay because the idea just seemed to fit so well with the advice all of the NC guides give: deal with your issues, find out what you want from life, work on yourself etc.

 

I'm not really sure what to do from here. Just keep going I guess. People say "do what makes you happy", "improve yourself", etc. but really everything I do that would make me happy is a secondary choice to hanging out with her. This weird bargaining thing was the first time in a while I attacked my life with vigor. Sad that it ends like this too. But thinking about it, I agree. I have to do things purely for myself. I wonder when I will find that strength.

Edited April 20, 2015 by DJOkawari