First break-up; immediate NC, recurring dreams, introspection and confusion.

[turquoise-harmonica]

Hi. I have a lot of stuff to say, so I tried making it easier to read by dividing parts of it into list form.

 

Current situation:

 

 

• 18-year-old
  
• My very first bf broke up with me after eleven months. He was the first guy I had any physical contact with, including kissing.
  
• Previously in the week-end we had been baking cakes, marathoning shows, planning for the summer, having sex multiple times and he even stayed an extra day
  
• We had a minor fight before he left, and after that he broke up through fb
  
• We had a one hour call about it
  
• He explained he didn't feel a spark anymore and didn't feel the same about me, especially as we had been fighting so much lately
  
• The call was civil, rational and I even cracked a few jokes. We parted as friends.
  
• As soon as we hung up I deleted him from Facebook, Skype and Snapchat, as well as removing his number on my phone and deleting the entire conversation. We have not exchanged one line since.
  
• My mother currently has his number in case I ever want to contact him again.
  
• I have no anger towards him at all, and I'm not interested in why he ultimately chose to end it.
  

Brief history of our relationship:

 

• We got together in April
  
• Relationship was fun and drama-free for the first seven months
  
• Started turning bad in November or December
  
• He became less enthusiastic, while I became more emotionally dependent
  
• He started writing less and less to me and did not initiate conversation very much anymore
  
• I became increasingly dependent and started screening him on fb; checking when he was last online and whether he's was going to message me, and became annoyed with him not replying fast enough
  
• I started having more demands and wishes, and he did not respond as well as he used to, which worsened things
  
• In December we started fighting more, when we previously never had done that.
  
• In the beginning of January we had a near break-up; he expressed a desire to see his friends more often and talk to me a bit less. I reacted negatively because he presented it clumsily.
  
• We solved everything through rational analysis and came up with concrete solutions and explanations. Everything felt genuinely great, and the relationship was unofficially put "on trial".
  
• It did not last, and we once again started fighting
  

 

MY REACTIONS AND THOUGHTS

For the first two days after the break-up, I was an emotional wreck. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, and everything I tried to eat tasted like paper. I wavered between isolating myself in my room and shamelessly and completely devoid of dignity crying to my friends on Skype. I said to myself over and over again, "I never even got to tell him I love him". Then on Tuesday night, I had a realization; it took me three months to first develop feelings for him and admit that I liked him.

 

So then I started analyzing my thoughts and experiences.

 

 

• I read through old diary entries from May, June and July when we first started seeing each other. I read some things I had written, such as it doesn't have to be very serious and he's not very stimulating to talk to, but maybe I can bring that out of him? as well as the worst of them all: Maybe time will help me develop genuine feelings for him. And so it was; time together spent made me emotionally attached, not actual love for him as a person.
  

 

• The weeks before I met him I had started longing for a relationship for the first time in my life, and there he was; cute, funny and incredibly into me. I wanted a relationship, and so I initiated it despite not thinking he was anything that special except for those two things. I didn't like what he was studying. I didn't like his friends. I didn't like the music he listened to or the shoes he wore. I didn't like the fact that he was just a completely ordinary guy. I never wanted that.
  

 

• I always avoided to show him off to my friends. In fact, I was embarrassed to bring him around them because of the way he dressed. I was never fully happy with him.
  

 

• I cheated several times. Two times in September (he knows of one of them. It was with a female friend and he was okay with it), was very flirtatious with another guy in January and finally I made out with a guy at a concert two days before he broke up. I felt bad about the first one, but then I kept rationalizing it by saying that "but they are AMAZING! How could I possibly turn them down?". So obviously I did find other guys more fascinating, interesting and attractive, even at first glance.
  

 

• All the things I experienced with him, I could imagine myself experiencing in an even better way with someone else.
  

 

• The only reason I stuck around in the beginning was because of curiousity and because I wanted to have the experience, not because I was head over heels in love with this one particular guy.
  

 

So yes. I DO realise that this was for the best, and that I was an awful person with unrealistic demands and a desire to change him for the majority of the relationship, and that I was sort of wasting his time. I know we both would be happy with other people. And I keep reminding myself that it was going to end anyway, and that he has most likely already moved on (I'm assuming he went through this entire process and came to terms with a life without me while we were still together). And rationally, I am fine with all of this.

 

COPING

 

But, and here is my problem; it is not translating emotionally. I have analyzed every aspect of this with my friends and it always ends with us agreeing that it was for the better and that he was not ideal for me, he never was, and that I never loved him. But all of this was something that I nearly forgot by the end of the relationship. I confused emotional dependency with love, and that feeling is difficult to forget. After I talk about it for a bit and analyze it, and remind myself of all of this - I am momentarily fine and ready to move on. Wednesday, I even kept walking around and smiling for a good portion of the day because I felt it was the best thing that could have happened. I sometimes even feel relieved because I'm not talking to him anymore or screening him. Time moves a lot faster without him, and we didn't have that much fun during the weekends anyway (mostly we just sat quiet and watched tv). But somehow I just keep going back to sadness and longing.

 

This morning I woke up and realised I had dreamt of him all night, and it was like a slap in the face. I had done so much progress in these past few days, and just somehow reverted to the way I was acting Monday and Tuesday when he first broke up, and started crying again for the first time in four days. I have given it much thought to whether I should ever contact him again (he explicitly said that he wanted to stay friends with me, and even suggested continuing seeing each other and going for coffees and talking about life), but I know that I would never ever do that before I was completely emotionally ready. My mom said a sign of this would be that he was no longer the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and now this happening was a major setback because now I'm even thinking of him when I'm sleeping!

 

Basically, I am a mess. I waver so much between feeling completely fine with everything and thinking I'm over it, and then BAM. Back to square one. I have never been through anything remotely like this and I am not the best at handling my emotions, so everything is confusing right now.

 

Does anyone have any tips or insights after reading all of this? My main problem is that I can't translate rationality to emotionality. I know that this was for the best, and I rationally agree with his decision to break it off, but I just can't make myself feel this way. I still miss him. I miss our jokes, the way he completely understood my sense of humour. I miss the in jokes that had basically developed into our very own language by the end of the relationship. I miss the closeness and the physical aspect of it. I miss waking up in someone's arms. I still want to talk to him. I still feel nauseous when I realise another 24 hours have passed without his presence, and I don't know how to move past this and achieve some emotional stability.

 

So how do I go about this? How do I become emotionally stable? And should I ever contact him again?

 

Thanks in advance <3

[Ruby65]

My advice is probably going to sound like a stupid platitude, but all I can say is that it takes time.

 

Don't forget to give time.... time.

 

The things you miss are generic relationship things, not specific to him. Those are the things you'll have again in your next relationship. No worries!

 

Give yourself some time to adjust to this breakup. You didn't sound very committed, not either one of you.... sounds more like a practice run.

 

Look forward to meeting someone and falling crazy in love with him/her -- and having all the relationship stuff you enjoy with THAT person! It'll be a million times better.

 

Breakups hurt, even when you're not too invested in the person. You'll see though -- you'll be feeling much better and sooner than you think!