Oneness Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I was with my exboyfriend for 7 years, with break ups for a couple months interspersed. I really should have left him in 2010, when I finally got the strength for the first time to leave him, he had been devaluing me and treating me like **** for over a year. Out first year together, the honeymoon period was the most amazing time of my life...I never loved anyone with the fierce passion and devotion I had for him, and he seemed to be everything I ever wanted. Now, I am no spring chicken...I have been married, and had long term relationships before I was married. This was something I never could have imagined...he was intoxicating, addictive, and it took me almost 5 more years from my first attempt to break away from him to finally escape. I am grieving now...and I have my ups and downs. I am here for support, and to support others who have been or are where I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) A couple of things 1. Don't know how much you have educated yourself on this kind of stuff, but read up and learn as much as you can. Really helps. 2. Sign up with a forum that specializes on support for victims likes you. Check out - https://www.psychopathfree.com/. You might find more support there. Good luck and sorry you had to experience this. Edited January 28, 2015 by Invictus01 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 im right there with you oneness. i know the addiction of loving someone...etc. i havent read your story..but some of the things you just said i can definitely relate to. so lets get thru the new year together. lets show the appreciation for life as we have it now and build from there. one day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Read me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 You can also read this - 1 out of 20 have destructive, sociopathic tendencies... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oneness Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you all. Invictus, I did belong to Psychopathfree forum, but left because the mods said I did not belong there. I was on the fence on whether my exboyfriend could be helped or not, he is a classic Borderline. Some Borderlines do get better...it is a lot of hard work and they have to want it for themselves...mine gave lip service to getting therapy but did not do it...just kept blowing up our relationship and I would leave. I was Trauma Bonded to him, which is an insidious addiction that arises from abusive relationships. Thank you for the article Satu, very interesting. In my case, there was no limerence...we had a bond that was real to me in the beginning, but I became trauma bonded and he became codependent. I belong to another forum called Out of The FOG, for those who have a loved one with a diagnosed or suspected personality disorder, but I decided to come here and get some fresh perspective from others not on that forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you for the article Satu, very interesting. In my case, there was no limerence...we had a bond that was real to me in the beginning, but I became trauma bonded and he became codependent. I belong to another forum called Out of The FOG, for those who have a loved one with a diagnosed or suspected personality disorder, but I decided to come here and get some fresh perspective from others not on that forum. I'm glad you joined us, and I hope you continue posting and replying. All the best, Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 My exboyfriend ...is a classic Borderline. Some Borderlines do get better... mine gave lip service to getting therapy but did not do it.... I decided to come here and get some fresh perspective from others.Oneness, I am happy to join Satu in welcoming you to the LoveShack forum. We have many members here who are very familiar with the experience of living with a BPDer. Like you, I did so for many years -- in my case, for 15 years with a BPDer exW. If you would like to read about my experiences, please take a look at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Satu and other members in discussing them with you. Take care, Oneness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oneness Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Downtown, what a great thread! You have a thorough, clear and wonderful grasp of the problems encountered when being with a BPD. Love the inner child versus adult....that is the battle I have fought. I have been educating myself for 2.5 years about BPD, and the psychodynamics of my relationship with my BPD exbf, but you have really helped me see some new perspectives. I am fighting to stay NC, and every day is a battle. Due to grief, trauma bonds, and PTSD, the battle is draining and exhausting. I want therapy, but can't afford it at this time, because my insurance won't cover the therapy I need....I need therapy specific to the trauma and damage that the relationship caused, and to fix the underlying problems in me that kept me in this toxic relationship...I know where to go to get it, I just am not financially able to at this time. So people like you are a godsend in my struggles, and I am grateful to meet you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I am fighting to stay NC, and every day is a battle. Due to grief, trauma bonds, and PTSD, the battle is draining and exhausting.Oneness, I'm glad to hear you found some of the BPD information helpful. While you're saving up money for an office visit with a professional, there are a number of things you can do that may prove very helpful. As an initial matter, I recommend that you NOT tell your exBF about BPD. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him. Second, I normally recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells or I Hate You, Don't Leave Me -- the two best-selling BPD books targeted to "Nons" like us. Yet, because you've already been reading about BPD for over two years, you almost certainly knew about those books two years ago. Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It offers 15 excellent articles in its resources section. My favorites are Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with BPD and article #10 at Leaving A Partner with BPD. Fourth, I suggest you read Shari Schreiber's blog article at Core Injury. It is the best online discussion I've found about how we excessive caregivers get to be this way during our childhoods. The result, Schreiber argues, is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). Although Schreiber's blog site also offer numerous articles about BPDers, I don't recommend any of them because she confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths, lumping them all together. Granted, a substantial share of BPDers also have full-blown NPD and ASPD -- but most BPDers do not. I therefore strongly disagree with Schreiber's view of BPDers as spiders that spin webs of deception and lie in wait for their victims to arrive. Anyone who wants to see how BPDers typically look and behave should be watching a Marilyn Monroe movie, not looking at spiders. Finally, Oneness, please don't forget those of us on this LoveShack forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers. Indeed, you've already attracted nearly 300 viewers in just one day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Been there. Done that. You're not alone. Update us often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Invictus01 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Second, I normally recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells or I Hate You, Don't Leave Me -- the two best-selling BPD books targeted to "Nons" like us. Yet, because you've already been reading about BPD for over two years, you almost certainly knew about those books two years ago. Sorry, not to hijack the thread but I almost spit my wine all over the monitor when I read the "Hate You, Don't Leave Me" title of the book. That was verbatim the way the girl I dated described the way her cat treated her. Now I have no idea if she was talking about her car or about the way she thought about me... Anyway, pardon me, I will leave it at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oneness Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Downtown, I have read, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me..." I resad it in front of my exbf and hs said. "I have said that before..." I have "Stop Walking on Eggshells," but never finished it. I found Shari Schrieber 2 years ago, and her article on Male Borderlines was like describing my exbf to a T...I creid for 3 days because I was faced with the truth undenialable. I once showed my exbf the DSM- IV traits for BPD and asked him if he had any of them...he said he had all of them! I did not say he had BPD...but I let him figure it out and he did on his own...result? He said he would get therapy and didn't, and he got worse over time...in the end it was ridiculous, he sounded like a case study of BPD every time we talked. It was his abusiveness, his dissociative rages, his accussations, his suicide threats (emotional blackmail), his jealousy, his emotional dysregulation that just took over and he was rarely sane anymore...I reached the limit of the abuse I would tolerate anymore...took me 7 years! Was it always like this? Of course not! The honeymon period was great, the red flags were there but I ignored them...I wanted what he seemed to be so much, without the BPD he was the man of my dreams. The cognitive dissonance these BPDs create makes your head want to explode.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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