Messy Workplace Situation

[Glorious Cheese]

This is a fairly involved story, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I'm looking for some advice and ways to cope with the feelings I have.

 

Last year, a new employee started at my location. She was previously with our organisation, but was transferred to my section. I was (and still am) her immediate superior.

 

Over time, we became very friendly and began talking about quite a lot of personal issues. We also laughed together quite a lot as we seemed to have the same sense of humour.

 

Around four months ago, we started texting one another and getting very flirty. At the time, she was married, but unhappily so. I started developing feelings for her and basically freaked out and told her that we can't do anything as we work together. Without realising it, this actually made her really want me.

 

She basically began chasing me and told me via text that we "should have sex". As I was really attracted to her, I told her that I was interested and began to pay her more attention, etc. She then suddenly decided that we she wanted to wait six weeks before she "did anything" with me. I foolishly agreed to this, thinking she was "confused" etc.

 

This began a cycle whereby she would seem to push me away when I showed interest, but when I started to back off again, she would reach out to me.

 

I got a lot of mixed messages from her. She told me several times that she didn't want a "relationship", but that she thinks about me sexually. During a text conversation around 3 months ago, I suggested that we could try things out and see "what happens". She basically freaked out at the mere suggestion of a relationship and we didn't speak to one another for almost two weeks (note: we don't work together every single day...).

 

At this stage, I had this gut feeling that she was just using me for attention and emotional support (something I see very clearly now, but at the time I really had feelings for her, so it made it difficult for me to see the true picture).

 

The next time we saw one another at work, I told her that I had decided to "let it go" and didn't want to keep going on like this. She got extremely upset with me and told me I was "insensitive". She then went on to tell me that she'd just said "goodbye" to some guy that she was "in love with". This was not her husband and was someone she had not previously mentioned to me at all. I was really shocked. She went on to tell me that he had "conned" her and had drugged her and apparently raped her... yet she still loved him.

 

I felt really guilty about this conversation, as she was genuinely upset over the next few days.

 

We didn't see one another for around a week and a half. She seemed ok again, but we talked about what had happened and she told me that I "overthink" things and indicated that she was still interested in me. I thought about it that night and decided to make a move when I saw her the next day.

 

Basically, over the next six weeks, we were kissing a lot (yes, at work) and it felt really passionate to me. She left her husband (or rather, kicked him out), but it had nothing to do directly with me (i.e. the marriage was over, anyway)

 

She told me she trusted me, but she kept asking questions about whether or not I was seeing anybody. I reassured her that I wasn't (which was true).

 

I told her that I was going to take her out for a drink and that we'd "see what would happen". She agreed, but then kept asking me about whether or not I was seeing anybody else. I again told her that I wasn't.

 

After a work meeting at a local restaurant, we ended up sitting in her car, kissing and talking for a couple of hours. During this conversation, she mentioned that she was "annoyed" at first that I only wanted a sexual relationship with her. I didn't directly respond, but she had been the one who told me at least three or four times that she didn't "want a relationship" and that we "should have sex".

 

A couple of days before she was due to go on annual leave at work, she sent me a text and told me that she can't have sex with me as it's "too sleazy" and she doesn't want to "ruin the friendship". I was going to see her at work the next day, so I told her I'd talk to her about it then, but did tell her that I really liked her and that I thought there was something special between us.

 

I saw her the next day and we talked about it. She freaked out on me and basically called me a liar and told me that I was sleeping with a female friend who I'd mentioned once to her some time earlier. I tried to explain it to her and even told her to call this particular friend and ask her herself (for the record, I wasn't sleeping with this friend). She laughed like a witch (seriously) and told me she "doesn't give a ****".

 

I was stunned. As she left, I stood there and hugged her (God knows what I was thinking at the time) and told her to look after herself. We kissed and then she left.

 

Later that night, it all hit me pretty hard. My gut feeling had been right. In retrospect, I think I was basically an emotional tampon and she had just used me to make herself feel better. She'd been c***teasing me the whole time to keep me interested and then threw me away when she felt like she didn't need me any more. She even planned it down to stringing me along until she was just about to go on leave for six weeks.

 

Believe it or not, I don't hate her. But from that night, I decided I wasn't going to bother talking to her any more unless it was about work. She texted me a Christmas message and I responded with a polite but generic Christmas message of my own.

 

A couple of days later, she texted me on the pretext of asking me a question about work. I again responded politely, but in a matter-of-fact way (my texts to her previously were usually quite funny/playful). I believe she was just trying to work out if I was angry at her or not.

 

That was late December and we've not had any contact since. I've actually been pretty down about the whole thing, as I really ended up liking her a lot and developed some pretty strong feelings for her (not quite sure I'd say love, but if not, something pretty close to it).

 

I find myself bursting into tears at random times. It's actually happened at work, but I've been able to hide it from other people. Nobody else at work knows or suspects (as far as I know) anything about the two of us.

 

Logically, I realise she's manipulative, a liar, a user, etc. But, I'm finding it very hard to get over the emotions. Some days are better than others. The problem I have is that she's coming back to work later this week and I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to cope with my feelings. I was really hoping I'd be over it by now.

 

I don't want to come across as hurt/angry (I'm actually pretty good at hiding my true feelings, but this will be a challenge, even for me), but I really want to distance myself from her. I don't see her the same way any more, but I still have feelings for her.

 

Any advice on how I should go about this (by the way, nobody need mention that you shouldn't get involved with someone you work with. I already had that as a rule, but she really did a number on me and drew me in like no other. It was almost like being hypnotized by the sirens' song...)?

 

As she's quite emotionally unstable and self-absorbed, I wouldn't be completely surprised if she comes back to work and somehow rationalizes that she should be angry with me.

 

At this stage, I'm planning on having a final talk about it all with her, but I'm only going to say that I didn't like the fact that she called me a liar, so I decided to cut contact with her while she was away, as I thought it was pointless to continue.

 

I also plan to tell her that I'm not interested in being "friends", that we just work together and that we shouldn't discuss our personal lives/issues any more, as her life isn't my business and vice versa.

 

I'm not going to stand there and tell her she really screwed me up emotionally, as I suspect she might actually get some satisfaction out of it. I don't want to show her that I'm hurting or that I resent her in any way. This isn't because I want her still (I really don't), but I really want to avoid awkwardness in the workplace.

 

If you read my whole post, thanks for your patience. Any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.

[IfiKnewThen]

you may not have even been sexually compatible. your feelings may have shifted for her, if you did have sex with her. you never know. right now, i suspect you feel invested somewhat in her for the chase alone.

 

 

no one is perfect, but you might also want to take into account that it's not working with her husband or the other guy she went with while married to him. theres issues there. i do think she does like and want the attention that you have been supplying. but you need healthy attention too.

 

 

maybe she is a distraction for you too? either way most people want a reciprocal relationship. if youre not getting it...give less and keep your mind open to other things....so you can recognize another thing with someone else if that comes along.

 

 

there are 2 places you spend most of your life, thats work and home. so you are in an awkward position. i would def. try to lighten it up at work with her...talk less etc. not be rude....but dont mix business and pleasure. and keep your sites open for someone else who wants to actually pay attention to you, and reciprocate. thats the best you can do in this situation sounds like.

Edited January 27, 2015 by IfiKnewThen

[Invictus01]

Yeah dude, not sure what to say here. I was going down the same path a couple of years ago but when it was time to decide if I wanna go farther and actually do something with my direct report or walk away... I decided to walk away. $hit just gets incredibly messy in these situations. In your case, even more so since she sounds a bit mentally unstable...

[Glorious Cheese]

you may not have even been sexually compatible. your feelings may have shifted for her, if you did have sex with her. you never know. right now, i suspect you feel invested somewhat in her for the chase alone.

 

 

no one is perfect, but you might also want to take into account that it's not working with her husband or the other guy she went with while married to him. theres issues there. i do think she does like and want the attention that you have been supplying. but you need healthy attention too.

 

 

maybe she is a distraction for you too? either way most people want a reciprocal relationship. if youre not getting it...give less and keep your mind open to other things....so you can recognize another thing with someone else if that comes along.

 

 

there are 2 places you spend most of your life, thats work and home. so you are in an awkward position. i would def. try to lighten it up at work with her...talk less etc. not be rude....but dont mix business and pleasure. and keep your sites open for someone else who wants to actually pay attention to you, and reciprocate. thats the best you can do in this situation sounds like.

 

Thanks man. Appreciate the response.

 

We actually spoke on the phone earlier this week (she's back at work tomorrow). I was at work and answered. She was just calling to see who was on shift.

 

We ended up talking for about 45 minutes. I'm ashamed to admit that I almost broke down and cried while speaking to her. I'm pretty sure she picked up on the emotion in my voice.

 

She basically does not care about me at all and made that pretty clear, though not in a harsh way. She said she hadn't "thought about us at all" while she's been away. In my mind, this confirms that she had planned the whole thing all along and was basically using me.

 

Really not a good feeling, but I was foolish enough to let it happen. I'm just hoping I can pull myself together when I see her at work tomorrow.

[Glorious Cheese]

Yeah dude, not sure what to say here. I was going down the same path a couple of years ago but when it was time to decide if I wanna go farther and actually do something with my direct report or walk away... I decided to walk away. $hit just gets incredibly messy in these situations. In your case, even more so since she sounds a bit mentally unstable...

 

In a weird way, it has helped knowing that she really does not care about me at all (since I spoke with her on the phone a few days ago).

 

Something I didn't originally mention was that she had told me some time ago that she'd "gotten close" to two men she had worked with previously. She told me that one of them had ended up committing suicide over her!

 

At the time, this really set alarm bells ringing for me. Logically, I knew she was just stringing me along, but I couldn't get past my damn feelings for her.

 

Well, I'll definitely never get involved with anybody I work with again. It really is a very bad idea.

 

During our phone conversation the other day, she told me that she thought I was "angry" at her and that she had decided to start looking for another job. I basically said I was angry at her, but I'm not any more. Told her that if she wants to look for another job, that's entirely her choice. In all honesty, I really do hope she leaves.

 

Will post updates after I see her tomorrow. Not sure if anyone is really interested, but it's actually therapeutic to type all of these things out.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Glorious Cheese
Typo

[evanescentworld]

She's a drama queen.

I would suspect much of what she has told you about other men in her life, is a pack of lies. She's a bit of a sexual Walter Mitty...

 

Good grief, talk about a cautionary tale about not crappin' where you eat....!

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i wouldnt belive shes not thinking of you at all!!

 

 

she sounds like a big game player.

[Hoosfoos]

Don't sh it where you eat.

[Glorious Cheese]

ps i wouldnt belive shes not thinking of you at all!!

 

 

she sounds like a big game player.

 

Man, this just gets crazier and crazier.

 

She was actually thinking of me...

 

I received a text from her the night before she was to return to work. I was on night shift and she knew I was working that night. It was a jokey, slightly flirty text. I sent back a short response and that was that.

 

We saw one another the next day at work. She told me she'd had some drinks the night before and was going to come and see me at work to have sex with me, but my response had turned her off. To say I was gnashing my teeth at this would be something of an understatement.

 

We talked about a lot of things that day and kind of cleared the air. We were still flirting with one another. I must be a glutton for punishment, but I couldn't stop myself.

 

We saw one another again at work the following day. Just before she left, I grabbed her and kissed her. The kiss was extremely passionate and she almost collapsed into my arms. As she was leaving, she told me she "can barely walk".

 

Later that night, she texted me and we talked about the kiss. It was a positive conversation. She told me she was still really attracted to me and I told her the same thing.

 

The following night, I had a really erotic dream about the two of us. I told her about it in a text. We started getting very sexual in our texts. I basically asked her if she wanted me to come over to her house for sex, but she baulked at the last moment.

 

A couple of days later, I decided I was going to visit her at work when she was on the night shift. I just turned up, calling her to let her know I was there just before I arrived. She was surprised but seemed happy to see me. We talked quite a bit and flirted. Ended up kissing one another for over an hour. Really passionate. I convinced her to show me her breasts and played around with them a bit.

 

She had a slight freakout and asked me if I thought she was a c**ktease. I told her "no", but was thinking otherwise, to be honest. She told me that she can't have sex with me, but feels guilty and wants to because of that. I told her I didn't come in to see her to have sex with her that night, I just wanted to see her.

 

Anyway, I left and we texted one another the the next night. Moderately sexual stuff. I asked her to come into work and visit me while I was on the night shift, but she told me she was too tired from the night before.

 

A couple of nights later, I picked up my phone to call her. I was actually going to ask her out on a proper date. I noticed immediately there was a text from her. It was very formal, asking me if I could cover her shifts for the next couple of days as she is having a "family emergency".

 

I told her it wasn't a problem. I covered her shifts and told her that she can call me if she wants to talk. She told me she "can't talk" and politely thanked me.

 

I now realise that she is actually looking after her estranged husband. She had previously told me he was "depressed" and mentioned a few days earlier that he'd just lost his job. Reading between the lines, she was telling me without telling me directly. I suspect she didn't want him to know that we had... whatever the hell it is we have going.

 

I won't see her at work again until Saturday (Valentine's Day...). I don't want to bug her with texts, so I've decided I'll speak to her on the weekend. I am slightly alarmed about the husband thing. It could be that she is just "looking after" him, but I'm also concerned that she may end up reconciling.

 

This is really doing my head in. It really felt like we were on the verge of actually getting somewhere, then this pops up.

 

Am I a complete idiot? I just can't seem to let this go. She did tell me I'm very persistent...

 

Thanks for reading.

[IfiKnewThen]

its been awhile since i was on here. its late so im not refreshing my memory with reading back to the beginning. i will try to revisit tho again to re-read. but picking up from where you left off (above) with your latest info..... i suspect she is still married and back with her hubby.

 

hence: "She told me that she can't have sex with me, but feels guilty and wants to because of that"

 

saying "i cant have sex with you" is different from saying, im not ready to have sex with u again...or i dont want to right now. i could be wrong of course, but to me...it sounds kinda like she feels guilty for running into your arms when, she cant give you what you want right now. and feeling guilty because she is actually in a committed relationship...makes her sad and want you more.

 

i think she is in love with u...or longs for you, but knows she is taken now....but not letting you know that possibly?

 

 

also i do think she would rather date you, in the hopes youre not merely looking for sex. she sees you as a possibility for the future. and maybe even her exit out of what she into. (yikes maybe an ace in the hole) i dont know. i have to re-look at the beginning of this. just have a feeling here....

[Glorious Cheese]

its been awhile since i was on here. its late so im not refreshing my memory with reading back to the beginning. i will try to revisit tho again to re-read. but picking up from where you left off (above) with your latest info..... i suspect she is still married and back with her hubby.

 

hence: "She told me that she can't have sex with me, but feels guilty and wants to because of that"

 

saying "i cant have sex with you" is different from saying, im not ready to have sex with u again...or i dont want to right now. i could be wrong of course, but to me...it sounds kinda like she feels guilty for running into your arms when, she cant give you what you want right now. and feeling guilty because she is actually in a committed relationship...makes her sad and want you more.

 

i think she is in love with u...or longs for you, but knows she is taken now....but not letting you know that possibly?

 

 

also i do think she would rather date you, in the hopes youre not merely looking for sex. she sees you as a possibility for the future. and maybe even her exit out of what she into. (yikes maybe an ace in the hole) i dont know. i have to re-look at the beginning of this. just have a feeling here....

 

Thanks for the input. There have been more developments since I last updated.

 

The day after my last post here, she texted me and confirmed that her husband was "back". She told me she just wants us to be "really good friends" and that she felt I "should know". Obviously, I wasn't thrilled about it, but didn't argue with her or beg. I told her I wasn't happy about it, but she needs to do what she thinks is right for her. I asked her if they were seriously trying to work their marital problems out. She told me they were, but that she'll know when she knows.

 

I left it at that. I went out drinking with my housemate (female) the following night. She told me to come out with her as she could see I was a bit depressed about my situation. Anyway, I ended up trying to kiss her at the end of the night. Nothing actually happened and she was cool about it.

 

The following day, I went into work quite hungover, working with my "love interest" that day. She was friendly. I told her I was hungover and managed to convince her to give me a massage as I had a headache. She agreed and one thing led to another and we started kissing again! I told her I'd tried to kiss my housemate and she basically laughed it off.

 

We had a brief talk and I told her I can't just switch my feelings off for her. She basically said the same thing to me. We worked together again the next day and we did quite a bit of sly kissing in the office.

 

Later that night, she texted me and told me she'd been mad at me for the night I'd come into work and played with her breasts. She said it made her feel "cheap". I apologised, telling her I was sorry she felt that way about it.

 

We continued texting and talking. Very flirtatious stuff. Last Monday, I asked her if I could come in to work to see her. She agreed. We kissed for hours and she suggested we have sex. After some agonising on my part, I told her we shouldn't, as I didn't want her to feel bad about it afterwards. She also told me her husband wasn't "really" living with her again, he was only staying there some nights and that they were sleeping in separate rooms when he did.

 

I saw her at work again a couple of days later and she was quite moody/grumpy. She said some really strange things (even for her...), but I didn't give any strong reactions to any of it.

 

She texted me to apologise on Friday. I asked her if I could come into work to see her and she agreed. We kissed and talked for hours and I really felt like we were getting close to one another at last. She told me she was on her period, so we couldn't have sex. I was ok with that.

 

Now, this morning, she texted me some very angry messages. There was a bit of a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off, though I wasn't really all that concerned about it.

 

Way back in December, there was another woman at work who made it very obvious that she was interested in me. I suggested to her at the time that "maybe we could do something together" and got her number. At the time, my main "love interest" and I were not really doing anything and I didn't know where I stood with her.

 

After giving it some thought, I decided I wasn't really interested in this other woman, that I wanted to concentrate on my main interest at work. I called the other woman and told her that I couldn't do anything with her as there was somebody else I was interested in.

 

This morning, the two of them worked together. The "other" woman told my main interest that I had asked her out but had backed out. I had told my main interest about this other woman being interested in me, but I did leave out the part where I had half-heartedly asked her out on a date.

 

My main interest was absolutely furious with me. I tried to explain to her what had happened, but she basically told me that this other woman likes me and that I "should ask her out".

 

I feel absolutely sick over this right now. I didn't think it would be an issue because nothing actually happened and I'd ended up doing the "right" thing. I know she has trust issues, so I think she's mainly angry with me because I hadn't told her the whole truth (she actually said she was "shaking" in one of her texts today).

 

I don't know what do right now. I sent her a text this afternoon and told her that I understand why she's angry with me, but that I'm not interested in anybody but her. She hasn't responded...

 

I really do like her and I feel like she was really beginning to let me in. Because of this other woman (who, in all honesty, I basically had zero interest in), I fear I've completely unravelled everything.

 

I know this seems like a novel for people reading this, but I've never been involved in something so complicated before.

 

Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.

[Arieswoman]

Glorious Cheese,

 

but I've never been involved in something so complicated before.

 

This is really quite simple, despite what you say.

 

You need to stop this now.

 

Here's why;-

 

1. She is an employee at your firm and you are her line-manager. You should be having a working relationship only. Anything else is unprofessional and could impact negatively on your career.

2. If your company has a policy that precludes staff having personal associations, you could be on the way to a disciplinary hearing.

3. Companies have these policies for a reason - they want employees to concentrate on production, that's what you're employed for, not to chat-up staff.

4. She's married and therefore unavailable to you. End of.

5.

At the time, she was married, but unhappily so.

so if this is true why doesn't she do something about it? If she'd rather cheat with you than try and fix her marriage what does that say about her? Do you really want to get involved with this person, who sounds, frankly, unstable?

 

Please, please get a grip on yourself, sever all non-work connections with this person and concentrate on your career - you are skating on very thin ice here.

[IfiKnewThen]

i had a feeling about this situation that seems pretty accurate so far.

 

here's what i see.

 

1. shes in a SEMI unhappy marriage. felt alive with you and sees you as a prospect for the future in case all comes undone with her husband.

 

2. she does wanta work on her marriage but she cant give up on her feelings for u because they are intense and she is ATTACHED.

 

3. she sounds like she was old school with really wanting to work her marriage out, and therefore cant let herself out of it and probably knows the grass always looks greener on the other side and cautions herself to the wind because of it. risking leaving him for you, is a big risk to her if she has the fear the grass might not be greener. she lives in guilt but gives into her need to feel loved , wanted and alive.

 

4. she knows you are FREE. she is afraid of losing you to someone else. she cant bare the possibility of you finding someone. she could actually be in love with you but comfortable with her current situation and knows it, so therefore fears losing you while she trying hold on to both till she knows what to do . does she have children?

 

5. horrible as this may sound ...it would be best if you DIDNT work together. that makes it all so much more complicated. having to see one another daily. makes it hard for you to both leave each other..mentally and physically.

 

how important is this job to you? you might wanta work somewhere else. (im not even kidding when i say that) because it may be the ONLY real break away. or you could wait, and still may never get her.

 

the person above gives good advise by the way. also, you two may be co-dependant and have to ween yourselves away from each other. and if after you separate, if she becomes free..and you find your way back to each other again, fine. but for now....its not looking good for you. not because she doesnt care or love you...but looks like she is also dependant on having him in her life and too scared to really leave the marriage. she may have a "deeper rooted love" for him ...for all the time they had together.

 

i wish you well. this is a tough situation

[Glorious Cheese]

This is really quite simple, despite what you say.

 

You need to stop this now.

 

Here's why;-

 

1. She is an employee at your firm and you are her line-manager. You should be having a working relationship only. Anything else is unprofessional and could impact negatively on your career.

2. If your company has a policy that precludes staff having personal associations, you could be on the way to a disciplinary hearing.

3. Companies have these policies for a reason - they want employees to concentrate on production, that's what you're employed for, not to chat-up staff.

4. She's married and therefore unavailable to you. End of.

5. so if this is true why doesn't she do something about it? If she'd rather cheat with you than try and fix her marriage what does that say about her? Do you really want to get involved with this person, who sounds, frankly, unstable?

 

Please, please get a grip on yourself, sever all non-work connections with this person and concentrate on your career - you are skating on very thin ice here.

 

Thanks Arieswoman.

 

1) You're probably right, but I can't seem to help myself with her. I have feelings for her which makes it really hard to walk away.

 

2) Our company doesn't have such a policy, only that employees should disclose to management that a personal relationship exists.

 

4) Well, she's technically married, but not with her husband any more (will update).

 

5) You're absolutely right, she is unstable... but I can't seem to help myself. Logically, I can see these things, but I get overwhelmed by my emotions. This is something that's very unusual for me, because I am a very logical person 99% of the time.

[Glorious Cheese]

i had a feeling about this situation that seems pretty accurate so far.

 

here's what i see.

 

1. shes in a SEMI unhappy marriage. felt alive with you and sees you as a prospect for the future in case all comes undone with her husband.

 

2. she does wanta work on her marriage but she cant give up on her feelings for u because they are intense and she is ATTACHED.

 

3. she sounds like she was old school with really wanting to work her marriage out, and therefore cant let herself out of it and probably knows the grass always looks greener on the other side and cautions herself to the wind because of it. risking leaving him for you, is a big risk to her if she has the fear the grass might not be greener. she lives in guilt but gives into her need to feel loved , wanted and alive.

 

4. she knows you are FREE. she is afraid of losing you to someone else. she cant bare the possibility of you finding someone. she could actually be in love with you but comfortable with her current situation and knows it, so therefore fears losing you while she trying hold on to both till she knows what to do . does she have children?

 

5. horrible as this may sound ...it would be best if you DIDNT work together. that makes it all so much more complicated. having to see one another daily. makes it hard for you to both leave each other..mentally and physically.

 

how important is this job to you? you might wanta work somewhere else. (im not even kidding when i say that) because it may be the ONLY real break away. or you could wait, and still may never get her.

 

the person above gives good advise by the way. also, you two may be co-dependant and have to ween yourselves away from each other. and if after you separate, if she becomes free..and you find your way back to each other again, fine. but for now....its not looking good for you. not because she doesnt care or love you...but looks like she is also dependant on having him in her life and too scared to really leave the marriage. she may have a "deeper rooted love" for him ...for all the time they had together.

 

i wish you well. this is a tough situation

 

1) I think you're absolutely right on the money there.

 

2) Again, I think you're right.

 

3) Ditto.

 

4) I think that's pretty accurate, too. She does have two children, but they are pretty much grown up/adults.

 

5) Yes, I think you're right. We have discussed this and she said that she wishes she met me "somewhere else". I suggested to her that if we hadn't worked together, we most likely would never have met at all.

[Glorious Cheese]

OK, since my last post, a number of things have happened.

 

She was quite mad at me for around a week about the "other" woman. I did point out to her that she had told me she'd taken her husband back and asked her which of the two was "worse". She began to come around after that.

 

We started getting close again. I visited her at work on one of her night shifts and we kissed for several hours. She was really happy to see me.

 

A couple of days later, she texted me and told me that we should "just be friends", that she thinks I deserve someone "younger" than her. I got somewhat annoyed and told her that if that's what she really wants, I'm going to leave her alone, as I'm getting "bored" of chasing after her. I told her I had no interest in being "friends", that I was "all or nothing" about this. She got mad at this, asked me if I was seeing someone else and got angry about my "bored" comment.

 

I told her that "bored" was probably the wrong word, that I was getting really frustrated by the fact that she kept changing her mind about things all the time. I told her that sooner or later, even I'll give up.

 

We continued texting that night and I asked her if she wanted to come over and see me. She almost did, then remembered she'd given me the "let's be friends" speech and told me she was "confused". She said that I "capture" her and she feels like she gets "swept away" with me.

 

We didn't end up seeing one another that night after all, as she had to pick her daughter up late from a party.

 

A couple of days later, she texted me a lengthy message which, in essence, was the "let's be friends" speech all over again. She sounded 100% sure and told me that I can't talk her out if it. She said she has too much going on in her life, she's finally splitting up with her husband and thinks she's "better off alone".

 

I didn't respond, but showed up at work to see her instead. She laughed and asked me why I'd come in. I told her I wanted to talk to her in person about it. One thing led to another and we finally had sex for the first time. It was fantastic. We spent most of the night together (yeah, not a lot of work actually got done...) and we lay together for over an hour afterwards, cuddling and kissing. I eventually left in the early hours of the morning.

 

We texted the following day and she was still flirty/enthusiastic.

 

A couple of days later, I asked her to come in and see me. She told me she was busy, but still seemed friendly and flirty, laughing at my texts.

 

I saw her at work yesterday and today. She was quite cold/distant and almost bit my head off this morning when I went to hand her a work item (she mistakenly thought I was trying to kiss her). Yesterday, I asked her if she was "mad" with me. She told me she was, but that she'd "get over it". I gave her plenty of space, especially today. She eventually came around and cheered up. She told me she has "a lot of stress" at home at the moment. I didn't push her on it. As she was leaving work, we kissed very quickly.

 

The strange thing for me is that I still have feelings for her, but I'm beginning to think that I'm going to get over this pretty soon if something more concrete doesn't eventuate. I suspect that she is very insecure about our age difference (it's only 8 years and I've told her repeatedly that I don't care about her age... and I meant it) and has hinted that she thinks I will end up leaving her for a younger woman.

 

I believe she really does have feelings for me, but is too scared to just dive in and go for it. She seems to constantly think of reasons not to get together with me. I did tell her a few weeks ago that this "drives me crazy".

 

Despite the fact she's so erratic, I really think if I could get past her insecurities, we could really have something special. I really do care about her, but the endless inconsistency is starting to wear me down. I did say to her a couple of weeks ago that if something doesn't happen soon, it probably never will.

[mrs rubble]

Your whole story makes me want to puke! Aghh! Yuk!

 

You work together, she's married, you're worried about "the age difference". Somebody needs to start growing some brain cells here! This is not a happy ever after story! This is a disaster about to emplode! Stop mucking around, stop believing this tramp is worth wrecking your livelihood over wake up and smell the roses buddy.

[IfiKnewThen]

she does want you. she is insecure about the age. she doesnt want to feel the grass is greener and then lose all she has built up in her marriage all her life. however she has lost the connection with her husband and she wants more but feels way too insecure and guilty (and maybe even too responsible to actually leave).

 

i think she probably loves u in the only way she can while being married and loves her husband too. but everything is different now. i also suspect she resents you for "breaking down her values" . i think she thought kissing was bad enough but now feels broken and invested in the sin of it all, in her mind.

 

 

try to part solid friends and forgive each other. once again if she ever leaves him and you are still available...thats one thing. but DONT wait for her to leave.

[Glorious Cheese]

Your whole story makes me want to puke! Aghh! Yuk!

 

You work together, she's married, you're worried about "the age difference". Somebody needs to start growing some brain cells here! This is not a happy ever after story! This is a disaster about to emplode! Stop mucking around, stop believing this tramp is worth wrecking your livelihood over wake up and smell the roses buddy.

 

It's interesting. I just read back over all of my posts and some of it was almost like they were written by somebody else (in other words, I feel some distance between what I wrote and how I feel right now).

 

Look, I see where you're coming from, definitely. Not taking it personally, as it really is a ridiculous situation in so many ways.

[Glorious Cheese]

she does want you. she is insecure about the age. she doesnt want to feel the grass is greener and then lose all she has built up in her marriage all her life. however she has lost the connection with her husband and she wants more but feels way too insecure and guilty (and maybe even too responsible to actually leave).

 

i think she probably loves u in the only way she can while being married and loves her husband too. but everything is different now. i also suspect she resents you for "breaking down her values" . i think she thought kissing was bad enough but now feels broken and invested in the sin of it all, in her mind.

 

 

try to part solid friends and forgive each other. once again if she ever leaves him and you are still available...thats one thing. but DONT wait for her to leave.

 

She's definitely one of a kind. Since the "other woman" thing, I feel her interest in me has slipped. She's told me she doesn't trust me any more. It's like she's been trying to "switch off" with me. I really screwed up with that.

 

IfiKnewThen, thanks for reading my posts and your analysis and input. A number of people have been quite judgmental and jumped on me (not saying they aren't justified in doing so, by the way) for putting myself in this situation.

 

Latest developments: I feel that we have almost reached the end and that things have run their course.

 

Last week, we had a team meeting at our workplace (daytime). After the meeting, I asked her if she'd like to go get a coffee with me. She agreed. We bought takeaways and sat in her car and drank them. We talked for several hours and kissed. She told me that I should find somebody younger than her. I again told her that I don't care about our age difference, it really doesn't matter to me. She told me that she often thinks about texting or calling me, but "shuts it out" and doesn't act on it. I asked her why and she told me that she "fights her feelings" about me.

 

We had a lot of fun together and she texted me that night, thanking me for the "fun day". We had a fun/flirty exchange of messages. She told me she feels "comfortable" with me, but that it "scares" her.

 

We texted on and off over the next couple of days. She sent me a text about work-related stuff. I called her because it was easier than texting. We resolved the work issue, then started talking about some personal things again. She was feeling a bit down and vented it to me. I didn't mind and she seemed to cheer up.

 

After the phone call, she texted me and told me she felt better and thanked me for listening.

 

I dropped in to work to see her later that day and we had a discussion about our situation. She told me that she feels like we are "going nowhere". I asked her why and she said I never tell her I "miss" her. I told her I do miss her when she's not around, but I'm wary of saying things like that to her because I didn't want her "flipping out" on me. We held each other and I told her I really do like her, that I feel like she likes me, but is scared. She told me she does have feelings for me and is scared. I mentioned that every time we've spent time together outside of work, we've gotten really close and had a great time together. She agreed.

 

Later that night, she sent me a text which I completely misinterpreted. It was the way she actually worded it, but she told me she was glad that we'd talked, but she referred to a guy she had previously worked with. Due to the wording of her message, I took it to mean she was seeing him. I was furious, but did not respond with anything much, other than to say I was "p***ed off" and that it's best if I don't say too much.

 

In the message, she also said I should "move on" for my own sake, that I should let her go and that I will be glad I did. She thinks I'm "too young" for her, that I should find somebody younger.

 

We saw one another briefly at work the next day. I was quite obviously angry. She saw me alone and asked if I was ok. We talked and I realised that I'd completely misunderstood her message. She was not seeing this other guy at all. She had run into him and he'd called her "cold and sadistic" and had been really angry with her. She told me that he had always liked her, but they'd never really gotten close like we have. She felt bad about it and told me that she wanted me to let her go as she felt she was going to hurt me.

 

We both sort of laughed about the fact that I'd misinterpreted her message. I told her I really do like her and that I want to take her out on a proper date. I then quickly added that I had no idea what she was going to say next. She laughed and said "neither do I".

 

She told me she'll "think about it" and she left.

 

Later that night, she texted me about something work related. She also added that I wasn't "very approachable" that day. I didn't actually see the texts as I didn't have my phone with me (at work). She called the work phone around half an hour later. We talked briefly about the work stuff, then we began getting personal again.

 

I told her I want to take her out and that we should see where it goes. She was initially resistant, but was soon laughing and warming to the idea. By the end of the call, she had agreed that we would go out on a "proper" date. She did say she has a busy week, but we'll work out which day we'll see each other.

 

She texted me a couple of days later and told me that she's not sure what day yet, but she still seemed keen. I was ok with it and told her we'll work it out. I also suggested that she could drop into my place (she knows where I live as she dropped me off at home after we went out for the coffee the previous week) after work the next day and have a coffee. The tone between us was flirty/slightly sexual. She told me that she'll see how she feels after work and we left it at that.

 

She didn't turn up for the coffee, but I wasn't overly concerned, as I knew she would be tired. Early afternoon, she texted me and said that she wasn't coming for the coffee, then added that "this thing we've had is only superficial. It's not lasting, the age gap is too big. I know that now and I feel you do, too".

 

I texted her back saying I know she sees the age gap as a problem, but I really don't. I don't think what we have is superficial and that we could have something real together if she stopped over-thinking it all the time. I went on to say that I don't want to hurt her and that she should give me a chance (I made a point of not sounding like I was begging/pleading, just matter-of-fact). She jokingly said she'll start looking for an engagment ring.

 

I called her later that afternoon. She didn't answer, but called me back shortly afterwards. We spoke for over an hour. She gave me a lengthy list of reasons why it wouldn't work with us (age difference, we work together, she wants to be alone/doesn't want a relationship/a man in her life, she has no time for a relationship, she can't get involved with anyone, because if her husband finds out, he will flip out and it'll make the upcoming divorce very unpleasant... and on and on).

 

I responded to most of her concerns, but it really felt like I was wasting my time. She seemed quite cold about it. I told her the ball's in her court and that I'm not going to "chase" her any more. We ended the conversation amicably and that was two days ago.

 

Bottom line: I know she has feelings for me, but she is determined to fight them for reasons she has invented in her own head (mostly). I'm actually almost at the point where I'm ready to give up on this altogether. We will be seeing one another at work tomorrow and the day after. I've been talking myself into making sure that I don't act angry/resentful (I do feel that way, but not really strongly) when I see her.

 

My "strategy" will be to be friendly, but not talk to her directly about what's going on with us. I think I really just need to let her go and see what happens. I'm going to back right off now. I have a feeling that she wants me to give up on her, but knowing how erratic she is, she'll probably change her mind again!

 

IfiKnewThen, their marriage is definitely over. I have told her a few times over the past month that I can't "wait around forever" for her. I think she basically feels she's not in the "right place" for a relationship and is rationalising her decision to get me to move on. It's crazy, because I know she really likes me. I did say to her that I can't understand how she can just switch her feelings off about me.

 

That said, I think if I keep pressuring her, she'll end up resenting me, so I think it's best if I cut contact outside of work and give her a chance to miss me. She may or may not come back to me, but I think it's the right move for me. As I alluded to earlier, I have a feeling it's really run it's course this time. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it right now, to be honest.

 

Again, sorry for the novel, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, typing this out is therapeutic for me in a strange way.

[IfiKnewThen]

trust me when i tell you this, when you finally break it off with her...either officially or unofficially, she will notice and be devastated.

 

even though she had an affair with you...(dead marriage or not)....she sounds like she goes mostly on logic. she loves you enuff. ( i think shes loves you). she loves you enuff to let you go and to tell you about her insecurities on the matter. age is really bothering her because she truly does want to be loved, but she wants it ever lasting and she's afraid that someday...as you age more, your thinking or beliefs or attraction towards her may change and she will be out in the cold.

 

i think she would rather stick with her sure thing husband, though the marriage dissolved in practicality..or they seem to have irreconcilable differences, rather than to love you so deeply, and invest in you and then you be gone someday...because 5 years or even 10 years from now, you might want someone closer to your own age or much younger!!! she fears that possible change in you, since you have more time to age and catch up with her ...in whatever thinking you will have at that place in time.

 

i say this honestly, because i have dated/loved someone much much younger before.... and i have struggled with how i will age faster than them. when youre biologically older, you actually biologically age at a faster rate than someone younger than you. as 1 year goes by for you both, a faster break down usually will happen for her. also, as men age a lot seem to go thru their own crisis and look at younger woman. if its a 10 year age difference i think she should or could in theory, take a chance. if its 20 years and up...thats frightening as hell. she may not choose to have fallen for u, but she has. but clearly fears as you age you wont be so steadfast and stick around.

 

its sad for the both of you. and its sad she cant seem to patch things up with her husband. i really think 2 ppl can be good solid soul matches, but it takes 2 very dedicated very very strong ppl with the same core values to make a big age difference work. (as you both age....and change) this is a sad set of circumstances. i mean sad as in , heart breaking. no judgement here i have my own crosses and sins to bare. i think its romantically sad.

 

i dont think she is shallow and messing with your head. i think she fell for you while very vulnerable and got IN over her head.

 

you do have to prepare your heart, and will probably have to let go, only because she really isnt giving you any promise for the future.

 

i dont think this is the end of it right now though, ONLY because, she hasnt felt the loss yet (youre still there) and she actually feels she needs you more than you need her. i know for a fact she was damn scared when u seemed remotely interested in anyone. because there are so many legit insecure factors there....a possible other female...is just another insecurity threat factor. if she saw u as totally devoted and consistent she may have taken more chances ...like she did making love to u....but overall she cant get over that age difference. please let me know the number of years difference. when she does finally know youre giving up and she is losing you, expect a lot of eradic behavior. she will be mourning the loss...aka grieving and might try to pull you back so to stop the pain.

 

if you too can salvage being civil to each other at work and be kind human beings to each other ..but cause no harm... that looks like the best you will get out of it or this relationship and hopefully the grieving process will be more bearable for you both but prepare both your hearts and souls for what sounds like the inevitable. because these kinds of circumstances are hard to fix. you cant change age. if she were younger and starting out like u are...i think she would have risked it and left her husband. but i doubt it now. if they actually break up she may chance it. otherwise she probably wont give him up for you ONLY because of the risk of YOu changing your mind about her when she gets even older. Good luck and hang in there. i'll bet if u read this to her ..she would say. yep. but this is advise to u. : )

Edited March 27, 2015 by IfiKnewThen