Don't know how to deal....new member

[maigh]

We aren't married. There was a time when I would have, but he wouldn't. So. Now I am trying to find the courage (and money, let's be honest) to leave a relationship with a man who thinks so little of me. And it's killing me. But, tonight, just as one of a million examples, he tells me that he's done talking about something and therefore I should shut up.

 

I am a caring woman. I have tried so hard. I just don't know how to begin. He spends every dime I make. How do you know when it's time to just say 'enough is enough'? How, with no family and with him spending all "our" money, how do I start over again at 47?

 

When I say "our" money, I am speaking of my money. He doesn't work which isn't helping. I'm so tired of being talked to like I'm nothing....and like I just don't matter.

[Lion Heart]

Maigh I'm sorry you're where you are in your life. Later you'll have time to reflect on how you got there but the NOW is all that matters.

 

Do you think he's abusing you?

Seems pretty clear that he is but DO YOU?

 

47? EXCELLENT! You've got plenty of time left!

That's how I'm CHOOSING to see my situation at 50 this year.

 

If I were you? This is what I'd do.

1. Cut him off from your money. Get your own bank account. Get your pay put in there. Leave all your bank cards at work. Take any valuables left and put them in a safe at work. Have little money on you. Stiff to him.

 

2. But simultaneously with 1

Break your lease NOW. Move to a women's shelter. They're gonna help you.

 

3. Do NC.

CHANGE YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER.

IF he ever turns up to your work, phone the police. They might just have had enough of him too!

 

4. Reassess your situation, get whatever you can out of the house you lived in with help.

 

best wishes

 

Lion Heart.

[dyna85]

Maigh, I think enough is enough now. You're not married, yet he doesn't have a job and is spending your money, and treating you with disrespect by telling you to shut up and being inconsiderate of your feelings. Consider it a blessing he didn't want to get married. You deserve better than this.

 

Sometimes love is not enough and you gotta walk away. Who knows, maybe this will be the catalyst for him to get his butt in gear and eventually prove that he is worthy of your love, energy, and affection. Right now though, he's using up your precious resources and what are you getting in return? Seems to me you have everything to gain by walking away from the situation in its current state.

 

I mean, if he were willing to discuss things with you and make changes and/or get counseling and man up and get a job, that would mean it's workable. If he just expects you to put up with him being irresponsible and inconsiderate, it's not worth it. You can start again at any age and in any circumstance. You just have to be bold and brave and respect yourself enough to know when to cut your losses.

 

Have faith in yourself and the future.

[maigh]

Thanks, guys. It's hard to admit, but you're both right. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. Today, it's all sweetness and light, but I notice that only happens on Fridays (which are paydays). I can't go to a women's shelter because I have a dog that I am responsible for and who I love. I know, that probably sounds like an excuse, but she's been with me through many worse times and I can't just go somewhere without her. Especially because I know he won't take care of her, any more than he does me.

 

I have to start saving more, bringing home less. I will find myself a place to stay before I turn 48 this year, I've decided it. That gives me just about 2 months. I can do it. I am not good at standing up for myself, but I will do it because you're right. It is just not worth the pain, no matter what my heart might say. I just wish it didn't hurt quite so much

[maigh]

Well, so much for a nice night. He purposefully let my dog out when he knows she will not stay in the yard unless she's on her leash (since he hasn't bothered to put up the fencing I bought). I found her again, but it's like some kind of game to him, this constant passive/aggressive stuff. I give up. Wish me luck!

[Jewels7]

He does not sound good for you at all. It will hurt, I know it does. I had to make the same choice for myself last spring and I still struggle daily with it. You can do this though. Don't let him bully you. I agree with everyone else. Start setting aside money if you can. I'm sure you can find a cheap apartment until you can become more financially stable. As for the dog, I don't blame you for not wanting to leave her with him and I don't think you should. He would probably use her as a pawn to get back at you. Plus this will be a really difficult time for you and you'll need her unconditional puppy love. It helps with the stress!

[maigh]

Update. I've been saving money. I've got a deposit down on a rental that will allow me to take my pup with me. I'll be out by the end of the month and probably have more left over than I do now. And now I'm feeling strong, but scared. I don't much like being alone. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but it'll be okay. I can do this!

[CC12]

Update. I've been saving money. I've got a deposit down on a rental that will allow me to take my pup with me. I'll be out by the end of the month and probably have more left over than I do now. And now I'm feeling strong, but scared. I don't much like being alone. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but it'll be okay. I can do this!

 

Good for you! That's great. It's always nice to see a positive update.

 

The end of the month is only a few days away. You can do it. And you won't have be alone, because you'll have your dog with you. You'll be okay.

[Poppyolive]

I'm so happy for you. Excited. New beginnings. A celebration for you & your pup. Let no one trample your heart again.

 

Cheers to a new you!!!

 

Remember, you are not alone. Snuggle with pup and you have a whacky bunch of us here, cheering you on.