Pregnant and NC [Updated]

[ZiggyZoo]

OK, here goes...this may be long, but I don't have anyone else to talk to, and you all have already helped me so much. I would just love some input on my case specifically. Thanks.

 

So, my ex and I were sort of together for about a year. Friends only from last October 2013, until we decided to start dating in Feb 2014. The relationship was wonderful when we could manage to see each other, which wasn't as much as I would have liked. He's a single dad with one daughter and a full time job, I'm a single mother of three, also with a full time job. This meant that we really only saw each other on the weekends, but would generally talk on the phone at least once a day. I will say that at first we didn't talk this much, but once I told him how important it was for me, he listened and really made an effort.

 

So, fast forward to October 2014, when I discover that I'm pregnant. We did use protection, but discussed what we would do if I did happen to get pregnant (kinda jokingly, but kinda not). We both agreed that it wouldn't be the end of the world, but would continue to try to prevent it just the same. So, I wasn't worried about his reaction, but he was out of town for the first two weeks for work, and I wanted to wait to tell him in person. I dropped little hints like, "Oh, no drinking for me for a bit..."and "I've been going to bed really early lately". Things like that.

 

So, the weekend he's due home, his little girl is very sick and she wants to stay with him at home instead of going to her mom's. This is fine, but it means that another week goes by where I don't tell him about the big news. Aaaaaand then my "morning" sickness kicks in, and I have to call off for the next weekend. The LAST weekend in October is Halloween, and I tell him I'm not up to going to his friend's party, but his band is playing, so he goes with the agreement that he'll just come by after they play and spend the night. So I'm all set to tell him.

 

Except he doesn't come over, and cuts off ALL communication with me. I think I did get a FB message apologizing for not coming over on Halloween, but I deleted all that crap. But no phone calls, no texts, nothing. I was worried as heck, tried to get ahold of him repeatedly. But between work, my girls, and being sick as a dog, I let it go. My birthday is in November, and when I didn't even get anything on my FB wall, I unfriended him.

 

So, December rolls around, and I get a FB message saying that basically he feels like a bad influence on me since I quit drinking, and that he feels we aren't compatible long-term since I obviously don't like hanging out with him. I was shocked, to say the least, but had kind of figured as much already. I'm not stupid, and know that you can be blindsided by someone (my ex-husband, the girls' dad, left me for another woman) and I gathered this was maybe what was up.

 

So, I wrote him a FB message of my own, since he wasn't answering when I called and told him that I was pregnant, which was why I wasn't drinking. And I was sick from the pregnancy, which is why I wasn't hanging out. And that I wished he had tried to share his concerns with me instead of just ending it how he had. I don't remember what all I said, but I am proud of how calm it was. If nothing else, I've learned to be polite and not say anything that would make me cringe later. Then I told him that the ball was in his court, I had had a few tests done, and to contact me if he was interested in updates on the baby. He sent one response saying he was sorry he had treated me like he had and he needed to think about all of what I said. I didn't say anything else, just blocked him and went NC.

 

NC has been tough, but I know from experience that its the only way to go. So I guess what I need advice on is what to do about baby updates. I already suffer from depression, and don't want/need the setbacks this early on that'd come from communicating with him. Do I just wait for him to contact me? I have test results and would like to tell him, but it would hurt too much. Thanks for reading my opus here, and for any advice you can give.

[Josmatjes]

Oh brother! What a mess! Well I think the no contact thing is definitely your best bet. I wouldn't give him any updates, he should be coming to you for the updates.

Right now just focus on you and the baby and honestly if he doesn't eventually come around I would make sure you have a good lawyer on hand. He still has duties to this child and this child deserves that much.

Take care of you! Good luck!

[ZiggyZoo]

Thank you for the advice. That's where I was leaning, but needed some outside confirmation, I guess. I want to be fair to my ex (most of the time) but also need to do what's right for me. It makes NC that much harder though, having something like this to use as a legitimate excuse to get ahold of him. But I jusr remind myself that he has my number too, and the more time I can put behind this, the easier it'll be when I DO have to talk to him.

[Josmatjes]

Don't you worry about being fair to him! Is he fair to you? Please put yourself first. I know you said you have other children right? Just remember that they look to you for what's right and security.they will mimic you as they get older so show them that you are a strong woman because you are!

You can PM me anytime you need to talk!

[kenmore]

You said you FB'd in Dec, but relative to now, the beginning or end of Dec is a huge time difference. also you said you blocked him there, did that break all communications?

 

I'm not trying to place any blame, I just think the facts need to be clear.

 

If you know he has a solid channel of communication, then he has to respond. since he hasn't, it looks like he wants to ditch the responsibility, which is NOT cool at all!

 

Don't let him! It's his baby too! He should at least pay support, see his child regularly and send gifts on special occasions. That's the minimum.

 

NC is not in your best interest right now! You must open communications and let him know how you feel. I worry that the NC you have done already may have damaged any communication opportunity you had.

 

I'll say that I feel this board pushes NC way too much. It's appropriate for most people and that's why I'm sure, but there are circumstances where it causes great harm and yours is one of them. Many people here (between the extremes) would benefit from talking. To advise NC to them is a disservice.

 

ZZ, the best thing you can do is follow your heart. There are lots of people here who wish well, give great advice and have hearts of gold which have been broken. Nobody is in your shoes. Lie down, close your eyes and think. You will know the best thing to do in awhile. Do it for at least an hour and don't get distracted. Think it through. Be your own best influence because you know your own situation better than anyone, and you also know what you need. You just need to hear it from yourself!

 

I wish you well in this, it is a hard situation, and you deserve happiness! I wish you the best.

 

Ken

[d0nnivain]

If he wants to be involved in this child's life, NC is not an option.

 

If you are keeping the baby consult an attorney.

[ZiggyZoo]

First of all, thank you for your responses and advice in this manner. It helps to get another's take on a situation, step outside my own head. And yes, Josmatjes, I have three girls, and you're absolutely right that they're looking to me for how to handle things. They were a key element in my healthy recovery from my divorce from their father, knowing that they were watching and would (hopefully) learn how to handle a terrible situation like that without completely losing it. And I completely agree that my ex isn't being fair in this situation, and it helps more than you know to hear someone else tell me that its OK to not be overly concerned with HIS feelings right now.

 

 

I know that NC isn't an option moving forward, and that once this baby is born that I'll have to have some sort of communication with my ex. I'm fine with LC, do it with my ex-husband, so I know I can handle it. But I have 22 weeks to go in this pregnancy, and think that I need to concentrate on my own recovery so that I'm not a mess when I WILL have to see him again. I made it very clear on Dec 7th, the last communication I've had with him, that if he was interested in knowing about the baby's welfare, I'd be happy to keep him updated, but that the ball was in his court. He's seen firsthand how I am very civil and polite to my ex-husband, so knows what to expect from me when it comes to HIS baby. Also too, luckily the baby is healthy, I'd make an effort to tell him if it goes otherwise.

 

Trust me, it breaks my heart knowing that I could use this as a legitimate excuse to call him and hear his voice again, but I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I could handle hearing him distant and aloof, it would set me back right at the beginning when this all happened.

[Josmatjes]

I don't know what to tell you about contacting him. I mean he has to know, and if he is any type of real mam he will be there for you and help out.

Maybe ask him to meet for lunch or coffee and really talk...

[ZiggyZoo]

Kind of an update here...I had an ultrasound two weeks ago, and have been really struggling with whether or not to contact him. I ran into a mutual friend who had no idea I was pregnant at all (I've been hiding out, totally not ready to see people) and her reaction really helped. She was overjoyed, and I made my decision to reach out to him one time. I'm sick of avoiding my friends and staying home because I don't know what to say when asked what my ex thinks. I haven't told anyone really that we broke up, and I've been embarrassed by the situation, and also trying to protect him from what I'm sure is going to be a lot of negative opinions towards his (lack of) actions. All part and parcel of hanging onto hope that it'll all work out for us...

 

BUT, I really looked inside myself, and decided that I would call him once and say that I have ultrasound pictures and an update if he was interested. I did just that, and said that if he WAS interested to contact me, otherwise it'd be the last he'd hear from me. This way, I will have no doubt in my mind that he knows where I stand, and I made one absolutely clear effort to include him.

 

I left a message last night, and was all shaky afterwards. Today I'm a little bit back to "will he call or won't he?" But you know what? I can honestly say that it won't shatter me if he doesn't. I've (mainly) accepted the fact that we as a couple are done, and he may not even be a father to this baby. And I know this is due to my doing the NC for two months and getting my head and my heart on straight before I reached out. I'm really glad I did it too, because I did it for the baby not for me, which was the point where I needed to be to do it.

 

So, that's that for now, I'm waiting to hear back or to not hear back. But I'm done feeling like I should feel bad for how he treated me, and am not going to hide out anymore. And if people ask, I'll tell them the truth, that the father has decided to not be a part of his baby's life, and let them feel how they want to feel about it. After all, HE'S the one who decided to walk away, and I don't need to feel bad about that at all.

[ZiggyZoo]

Welp, its been 48 hours, and no response. Not likely to get one either, but at least I tried. This is a cautionary tale for anyone who is tempted to break NC. Don't do it, it is NOT worth the extra heartache. If it weren't for the baby, I would never have considered it.

 

I was in a much better place, and now I'm crying and feeling bad about myself again. How could I have been so stupid, to think that I was special? I knew that his breakups in the past have ended up with him just walking away, but the women he was with before were and untreated bi-polar and a junkie. Silly me, I thought that by being rational and reasonable that I would get a different response. I know better, though. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior and all that...

 

But for now, I'm just crying because I am likely going to be raising this baby alone AND I really miss him right now. He broke my heart, but I admit that I was holding onto some small hope that if I reached out, he would apologize and it would all be well. Like just about everyone on here, huh?

 

I'm also struggling with the temptation to send a last e-mail saying how disappointed in him I am, and how he told me that he wouldn't let me do this all alone (the only thing he's said about it, right after he dumped me). And that I feel sorry for him, because he has to live with this decision, to turn his back on his own child. But I won't. I'm going NC again, the FB blocks go back up and I'm done.