Will the heartache ever heal?

[BroknHart]

It's been 5 months since he broke my heart this august and I can't seem to heal. I feel my heart was ripped out, shredded, and scattered on the street. We had been together for 6 years, living together for 4.5 years. I moved to the opposite side of the country for him. No real friends, no family, just him.

I loved him. I believed we were soul mates. I pictured us growing old together; kids, kids names picked out, grandkids, big house, family trips, the whole enchilada. We would both talk about it. He would bring it up more, not just with me, but with everyone. It was a known fact we were going to marry (even though the official proposal hadn't happened).

 

But sometime last year his mother told him that her baby deserved better. A woman who would cater to his every need, not question him in anything; one who would be happy being not a wife, but a servant to him. Yet, it wasn't until March that he began acting a bit cold and distant. I tried everything I could think of to "fix us", but I was just not good enough anymore. His brother and father would talk to me and even give a little advice, but whatever his mom said was law to him. He's a 33 year old man, yet he listens to his mom even if she doesn't make sense just because she's his mom.

 

I get so angry that he gave up on us for the reason he did. So angry he wasn't a man to put his foot down and know right from wrong. Angry that he could not make his own life decisions. But at the same time I'm so hurt. So hurt that he could give up so easily and be so cold, so unaffected by the breakup. Hurt that he could forget he loved me. I can't understand how he could say he still wanted to marry me the week before he broke up with me. How he still loved me and how he's ever only loved someone that deep when he was with me, but knew we just couldn't be anymore. Told me I had to grow up and understand we were done for good.

 

But at the end of the day I still love him. I never stopped loving him. In fact, every year we were together I loved him more. I miss him. I see his face in everything I do. The memory of the life and home we had built haunts me everyday. I dream of him every single night. I cry everyday still. I feel so empty and lonely. I feel I'll never heal from this pain.

I feel disgusted and dirty every time a guy hits on me me or when people tell me to think about other guys. My life is not just upside down, it's like he threw my life up in the air 5 months ago and it still hasn't fallen back down. My heart though, just feels unexistent. Feels as if I'd have to walk miles to pick up the tiny shreds to put it back together, but it'd be deformed once "mended."

 

Can this ever get better? Can the pain ever lessen? Will I ever be able to smile and feel alive again?

Edited December 23, 2014 by BroknHart

[DontBreak]

I wish I could help you - I just found out my ex is now sleeping with another guy

That really hurt - I guess we just have to pick ourselves up yet I don't have the energy - I'm here if you want to talk

[Lani]

It will never end, but things will get better.

 

You need to embrace the relationship you had. Don't regret it, don't think of it as a waste of time, and most importantly- don't think of yourself as damaged goods.

Take time to look inside yourself and find who you are, without him. You are your own person and it's your time to shine.

 

Part of you will always love him, and that's okay.

[darkmoon]

five months is not that long for strong feelings to taper off, but they do, the process takes its own time, then the gloom lifts

 

go on a holiday, just take off, even a cheap holiday, the new surroundings make the mind busy with the new (less reminiscing) and drinking hot chocolate is very soothing meanwhile, less pain

 

twice in my life i have been like you, on both occassions travel helped

 

but chat to the other posters, this is just my two cents

Edited December 23, 2014 by darkmoon

[BroknHart]

Thank you for your responses.

I've tried to focus on myself and to do things that can make me a stronger woman, but sometimes I end up so exhausted. I may just be on overdrive to get past all this.

I'm happy I decided to post here, not usually my thing but it's nice to feel heard and be given good advice. My friends and family have a hard time understanding why I'm not over him after what he did (breaking my heart for childish reasons). I can't really talk to them anymore, they usually respond by telling me to just date so I can forget him. I know I eventually will, but I'm not ready. It wouldn't be fair for to me or the other person.

 

Darkmoon- I went on a two week trip with some friends and I'm about to finally visit my family for the holidays tomorrow (two years since I saw any of them). My trip with friends was horrible. I think it was too soon when I did it because I cried in my hotel room each night. It was so bad I had to use pillows to cover my face so the people in other rooms wouldn't hear me. I feel humiliated by just typing that. I never thought I would get that low about it all. I'm happy about seeing my family, but torn it'll be the first time in 6 years I won't spend it with him.

 

Lani- I think I just grew so used to being one of two. I do agree I have to find myself. But right now it's so hard to even function properly. I tend to burst into tears every time I get in my car after work. I've read a ton of self help books, articles, videos, you name it. They help for a little, until I find myself in tears again. I'm frustrated with myself, I've always been a strong person and I've let myself become very weak. I have so much inner turmoil since the break up. I know I have anxiety. I lost 25 lbs the first month, I went from 120 to 95 lbs. I worry I will get sick so I force myself to eat even when food is the last thing I want.

 

DontBreak- I'm so sorry to hear that. I know your pain and experience is probably different than mine, so I can only imagine what you are feeling. No one deserves to hurt and feel betrayed by someone you love. I can agree to the lack of energy. Motivation to do anything is hard to find. But I'm here for you too.

Edited December 23, 2014 by BroknHart

[GSP21]

I think so. I was deeply in love with a girl 2+ years ago (I imagined us getting married and raising kids) and she ended dumping me. I was absolutely crushed. I was a University student at the time who did quite well in school my first two years. She dumped me in my third year and my grades dropped like a rock - I actually failed a course. I had trouble getting out of bed everyday, contemplated suicide and something scary happened to me from the depression/stress. I fainted one day (first time in my life - I am usually in perfect health) and smashed my forehead on the toilet. I woke up probably 10 minutes later and had no idea what happened, but I saw blood my face in the mirror. My friends/family all said the same thing as yours - just find someone else/there are plenty of fish in the sea. But I had idealized the girl to the degree where she was the only person I ever wanted to be with. It took me about a year for the pain to go away, but even then I was never "over" her. I would still think about her and the memories we had every once in a while. Luckily I found someone even better just a month and a half ago and I can now honestly say that I am not heartbroken over the first girl anymore, about 26 months after she dumped me. 5 months is nothing, just make sure you survive the year and it'll be ok. You will find someone else.

Edited December 23, 2014 by GSP21

[Marco Valerio]

But at the end of the day I still love him. I never stopped loving him. In fact, every year we were together I loved him more. I miss him. I see his face in everything I do. The memory of the life and home we had built haunts me everyday. I dream of him every single night. I cry everyday still. I feel so empty and lonely. I feel I'll never heal from this pain.

 

I can assure you that you will heal from it, but you will always have the scar of his wound in your heart, that's a fact, as it is that you will move on with your life at some point.

[Lokin4AReason]

it ll take time and keeping yourself busy ( like in as in hobbies, festivals, etc ... ) to keep your mind off of it ...

[BroknHart]

It's been a week since I posted on this thread. I was working on taking in the wise words given to me. The heartache was bearable a few times, but it has intensified again since last night.

I've found out about major family problems I wasn't aware of, realizing how my life is still so scattered, the fact that Christmas didn't feel like Christmas, and NYE being around the corner have all made the perfect recipe for emotional wreck. Been on this forum this morning so I can keep sane and not cry in front of family or on the phone with friends.

I know better days will come, but today is one of the lowest.

Sorry for being such a downer. And thank you for letting me get it out here.

[Itspointless]

I've always been a strong person and I've let myself become very weak.

Sorry for being such a downer

Why are you so hard on yourself?

 

Yes it can get better, but you have to allow yourself time. Your brain has not only the task to change your life-narrative, it also has to detach. Detaching is a chemical thing in the sense of detoxing. Your brain is still in all sort of ways connected to him, right now you are a drug-addict missing you shot. Plus there is also the pain of social rejection that actually shares somatosensory representations with physical pain: Study illuminates the 'pain' of social rejection -- ScienceDaily

[ralfgarnett]

"Darkmoon- I went on a two week trip with some friends and I'm about to finally visit my family for the holidays tomorrow (two years since I saw any of them). My trip with friends was horrible. I think it was too soon when I did it because I cried in my hotel room each night. It was so bad I had to use pillows to cover my face so the people in other rooms wouldn't hear me. I feel humiliated by just typing that. I never thought I would get that low about it all. I'm happy about seeing my family, but torn it'll be the first time in 6 years I won't spend it with him."

 

 

oh yes been there done that twice since November which was the first time in 20 years that I have been away without her, the break was nice but at times all I could do was think about her and quite oftyen the tears rolled in many places suchas bsrs restaurants in fact any where at all the the waves rolled over me.

[BroknHart]

I think I'm hard on myself because I'm so frustrated with myself. I hear about others being able to move on when they realize the relationship wasn't as good as they thought it was.

I gave more than I should have during our relationship together. In many ways he was a great man, but there were times he would make me hurt. After reading the article you posted (thank you), I began reading about some of his personally traits I questioned. Just as I had suspected, he's emotionally detached. Seems to be somewhat of a narcissistic sociopath. No matter what I did, he would eventually let me know it wasn't good enough. Yet any little thing he did had to be recognized and worshipped or he'd feel unappreciated. He doesn't really have close friends other than his family. Can be a complete a-hole to strangers for the smallest things.

In my mind I should be happy he broke up with me. He freed me from someone who could hurt me even more if we had stayed together. I know there are men who are capable of truly loving someone and I am now free to find one eventually. I know that someone with a healthy mind wouldn't have done what he did to me. I agree I said and did things that were wrong, but unlike him I was able to forgive and forget. I put more trust in him than he deserved. The last year I was walking on eggshells without realizing the extent of it. I never knew what was going to set him off, he became unpredictable as the relationship progressed. I guess it's because his true colors where slowly coming out.

Emotionally, I feel that no matter what my mind says, I've lost the man I will ever love this deep. I can't help but remember how great and perfect we used to be for years. Felt like God had given me the greatest gift. I was so in love and still am. I used to be cold before I met him. But being with him a became soft hearted and felt I was filled with so much love I sometimes didn't even know what to do with it. In a way I guess it was detrimental in some ways - I think that's also why I became so weak and let myself get walked all over on. I know it's normal for a human being who is healthy and capable of feeling emotions to be in pain, but sometimes the pain is so strong I wonder if it's become unhealthy. I'm so torn between thoughts and emotions, I'm just so ready to be past all this. The next celebration I worry about is Valentine's Day. I don't want to open my eyes that day.

[kenmore]

Broknhart, I truly feel the pain in your words and I want you to know that I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

The time frame of being together six years and living together 4 1/2 is almost exactly the same as my wife and I, except we did marry.

 

I too felt like you did. I thought we were going to be together always and that nothing could harm our love. I am still feeling crushed and trying to get my head wrapped around it, and we have been apart for almost six months now. While logically I can see what caused our breakup (it was financial mostly but she also blames my family's treatment of her as if that was something I could control in some way other than telling them to back off, which I did), my heart just won't let go of the surprise of breaking up. I told her it was a shock and she asked how I could not have seen it coming. Obviously I was blind.

 

I can share one experience with you. First I want to say I soooo understand your feelings of disgust and sense of betrayal thinking about dating someone else and how that wouldn't be fair to them; I'm feeling exactly the same way, I just won't (for now). Absolutely don't rush it. The experience was my first wife's death in Jan 2007. I went through all of the same feelings of loss, heartbreak and thoughts that nobody else would ever make me happy again. We had been married for 17 years, and she was my world. I felt I couldn't go on and even thought about suicide, but I did go on....just really empty.

 

What began my salvation was finding a forum very similar to this one but for widow(er)s. At least there were people to talk to who understood and it helped so much. Eventually a few of them convinced me to try dating locally (they were tired of me hitting on them lol), so I tried it, and sure enough in Jul 2008 I found my new wife. Now she is my world, which is unfortunate because we're divorcing, but my point is that you absolutely will go on and find happiness again someday! That is a firsthand experience.

 

Of course I still love my first wife and miss her, I always will but the deep heart-stabbing pain is gone. Now it's something I can look back on, without pain, and just be grateful we had all of those wonderful years together!

 

However, currently I'm in your boat, so I have new pain. I guess that's life, but yes.....there is hope and you will find happiness again in due course. Meanwhile, we both have to live in this Hell!

 

HUGS!!

 

Ken