Coping with being ignored

[lovesfool]

How do you deal with being ignored? My ex has ignored me ever since we broke up, about 9 months ago. I tried to contact him once or twice, a friendly message, nothing serious, but I didn't get any reply.

 

Firstly, why would he do this? We didn't have a bad breakup and he gave the impression that we would speak again. Is he being cruel or is this normal break up behaviour?

 

Secondly, how do you deal with it? It's unsettling not knowing what is going on in his head. I never really got to talk the breakup through with him. He just ended it, and I was left wondering what happened, and I still don't know. Even a message to say "it's best if we don't talk anymore because it would be too difficult" would have been better than being ignored completely.

[dumbass2]

Someone's silence tells you all you need to know. He does not wish to be in contact with you. Perhaps he has moved on and might be in another relationship. Perhaps he has blocked you. Either way, it has been 9 months. you should be moved on yourself and not thinking about him. Are you waiting around hoping he will come back?

 

By the way, there is really no such thing as a good break up. A break up is a break up, it is what it is. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other. When people say "it wasn't a bad break up" usually that means not everyone was telling the whole truth and someone was just trying to be nice to the other person to avoid any unnecessary drama. It's the chicken shyt way out sometimes for the dumper who doesn't want to really come of like the bad person.

[BC1980]

I have to second the above advice. There really isn't a good breakup. You could certainly say that it ended without fighting, yelling, or one party badmouthing the other. That's the mature way to end it and hopefully what happens, but that doesn't mean it was a "good" breakup. One person is going to be left heartbroken, the other likely feeling guilt to some extent. That's about the best you can wish for.

 

It's also really awkward to be in contact with an ex. It feels very forced, and you are second guessing what to say. An ex is someone better left in the past, as tough as it might be to do so. It doesn't mean you wish the person ill will. It just means that you recognize that continued contact would be counterproductive to any attempt to move on.

[lovesfool]

It's also really awkward to be in contact with an ex. It feels very forced, and you are second guessing what to say. An ex is someone better left in the past, as tough as it might be to do so. It doesn't mean you wish the person ill will. It just means that you recognize that continued contact would be counterproductive to any attempt to move on.

 

I understand that, but what I don't understand is how someone you cared about, and that cared about you, just ignores you without giving you a reason. When he didn't reply, I started reading into it too much, finding excuses. Even after the first time I messaged him if he just said "lets go no contact for a while" it would have been 100 times better than zero response.

 

Is it not rude and a bit cruel to have done what he did?

[elaine567]

I understand that, but what I don't understand is how someone you cared about, and that cared about you, just ignores you without giving you a reason. When he didn't reply, I started reading into it too much, finding excuses. Even after the first time I messaged him if he just said "lets go no contact for a while" it would have been 100 times better than zero response.

 

Is it not rude and a bit cruel to have done what he did?

 

He broke up with you, if it was a long relationship it was probably a hard decision, dumpers have feelings too, but he didn't want to give you hope that you were going to get back together and I guess he didn't want to be emotionally blackmailed into seeing you again as that is what often happens.

Being just friends can be hard for people post break up, expecting contact to fill the loneliness gap, can mean the dumpee is constantly wanting to speak to the dumper, going no contact avoids this.

If he has moved onto another relationship the last thing he wants is his ex texting/calling at inopportune moments, or fighting over past hurts either.

[elaine567]

If it is still unsettling you, then you obviously have not got over the break up.

It is time now for you to move on, he is not coming back and even if he gave you "a reason" tomorrow, the result will be the same, he is getting on with his life, it is time you did the same.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand that, but what I don't understand is how someone you cared about, and that cared about you, just ignores you without giving you a reason. When he didn't reply, I started reading into it too much, finding excuses. Even after the first time I messaged him if he just said "lets go no contact for a while" it would have been 100 times better than zero response.

 

Is it not rude and a bit cruel to have done what he did?

 

No, it's not rude at all. He broke up with you and doesn't want to give false hope or mixed signals. It's not his bad that you can't take a hint. If you were in contact, you'd be in constant stress trying to figure out hidden meanings in his contact. You need to accept that it's over and move forward.

[BC1980]

I understand that, but what I don't understand is how someone you cared about, and that cared about you, just ignores you without giving you a reason. When he didn't reply, I started reading into it too much, finding excuses. Even after the first time I messaged him if he just said "lets go no contact for a while" it would have been 100 times better than zero response.

 

Is it not rude and a bit cruel to have done what he did?

 

I completely understand that his actions hurt you. I think that's very normal, but I don't think what he did was necessarily rude. I think he wanted you to stop talking to him, but he didn't want to straight out tell you that. He probably felt that would be too cold and was hoping you would just stop texting him. It can be difficult to tell a person not to contact you again, especially if you have no ill will towards the person.

 

I don't think you can really expect him to understand what might be a kinder way to break it off with you. Your feelings are definitely valid and how most people feel after being dumped. You have a right to feel the way you feel. Feeling hurt and confused is normal. People react differently, and it's always weird and awkward. It comes down to what you think is worse. Being told to your face to leave the person alone or being ignored in hopes you will get the message.

[Ieris]

I am going to own up and say I have done this recently.

 

We met up and had a really good time, we had a little talk at the end and he couldn't find the words to say. He couldn't end things so I did it for him by disappearing and cutting myself off, I don't like any lingering or sad goodbyes. I just like it clean and swift, no BS.

 

That's just how some people work. My friends told me I was quite cold and come across as if I never really cared about him. However, I was so close to telling him that I love him, usually I say everything I need to say but this time I didn't. I just knew I had to let go so I did...

[lovesfool]

I completely understand that his actions hurt you. I think that's very normal, but I don't think what he did was necessarily rude. I think he wanted you to stop talking to him, but he didn't want to straight out tell you that. He probably felt that would be too cold and was hoping you would just stop texting him. It can be difficult to tell a person not to contact you again, especially if you have no ill will towards the person.

 

Maybe that's true, but to just go cold turkey all of a sudden is what really annoyed and upset me. It wasn't as though we broke up one night and that was it.

 

We sent each other a few messages over the following week, I asked to meet up to talk, but then I decided it was best to just stop messaging him for a while. When I felt it was the right time to talk to him again he ignored me.

 

Might I have annoyed him by ignoring him first, and he's just getting back at me? It all seems really childish to me.

[todreaminblue]

some people handle break ups differently some people when they go no contact actually want no contact...how i cope with ignorance is simple i dont cope....i dont believe its right to be ignorant...to me it is cruel......but it is their choice to be ignorant.....and i cant change that choice...i dont have to agree with it or like it...but it is what it is......the cruel to be kind philosophy...which i surely dont agree with.....its not attractive.....and it means that the person who is being ignorant is better not being with me anyway......its not a trait i want any guy who is with me to have...what i find positive about ignorance is that it shows me what i cant handle from a guy.....and its a relief i wont have to handle it....

 

 

let him go.....he is ignoring you for a reason ...if you dont like that behavior....then its good you arent with him.....deb

[BC1980]

Maybe that's true, but to just go cold turkey all of a sudden is what really annoyed and upset me. It wasn't as though we broke up one night and that was it.

 

We sent each other a few messages over the following week, I asked to meet up to talk, but then I decided it was best to just stop messaging him for a while. When I felt it was the right time to talk to him again he ignored me.

 

Might I have annoyed him by ignoring him first, and he's just getting back at me? It all seems really childish to me.

 

So you're saying that you started ignoring him first? If so, then I don't see why you would expect him to respond when you decided you wanted to talk to him again. Did you give him any warning, or just stop talking to him? Did you tell him to expect you to contact him again at some future time? What was the time frame between when you stopped talking to him and when you initiated contact again?

[lovesfool]

So you're saying that you started ignoring him first? If so, then I don't see why you would expect him to respond when you decided you wanted to talk to him again. Did you give him any warning, or just stop talking to him? Did you tell him to expect you to contact him again at some future time? What was the time frame between when you stopped talking to him and when you initiated contact again?

 

To be truthful, we arranged to meet on a certain day and asked him to let me know what time he was available. The day came, and I knew he wouldn't suggest a time because I know it's not a conversation he wanted to have. He probably expected me to contact him to confirm, but I decided not to.

 

My birthday was soon after and he sent me best wishes, but I didn't reply. I didn't contact him for a month and I didn't tell him that I was going to do it.

 

Did I handle it poorly? I really wasn't sure what to do.

[Simon Phoenix]

To be truthful, we arranged to meet on a certain day and asked him to let me know what time he was available. The day came, and I knew he wouldn't suggest a time because I know it's not a conversation he wanted to have. He probably expected me to contact him to confirm, but I decided not to.

 

My birthday was soon after and he sent me best wishes, but I didn't reply. I didn't contact him for a month and I didn't tell him that I was going to do it.

 

Did I handle it poorly? I really wasn't sure what to do.

 

No, you handled it fine, but at the same time, you need to realize he's doing the best thing for you. What he's doing is not cruel, it's not rude, it's not out of line. I mean, what would be the purpose of having contact with him? Is it just an ego thing?

[BC1980]

To be truthful, we arranged to meet on a certain day and asked him to let me know what time he was available. The day came, and I knew he wouldn't suggest a time because I know it's not a conversation he wanted to have. He probably expected me to contact him to confirm, but I decided not to.

 

My birthday was soon after and he sent me best wishes, but I didn't reply. I didn't contact him for a month and I didn't tell him that I was going to do it.

 

Did I handle it poorly? I really wasn't sure what to do.

 

Okay, I see. So you basically ignored him as well, which is perfectly fine. It's the best thing for you. You're not ignoring each other to be petty or rude. There's just no point in continuing contact after a breakup.

[Sad26]

Whatever others might say, I do understand how cruel and rude it feels to have your messages not responded. It would have been nicer to even get a reply - that please don't message. It does give some sort of validation that whatever you had, and not present or future was not fake.

 

I think it is pretty cruel to ignore someone, whom at one point you said - I love you.

[dumbass2]

Whatever others might say, I do understand how cruel and rude it feels to have your messages not responded. It would have been nicer to even get a reply - that please don't message. It does give some sort of validation that whatever you had, and not present or future was not fake.

 

I think it is pretty cruel to ignore someone, whom at one point you said - I love you.

 

"My birthday was soon after and he sent me best wishes, but I didn't reply. I didn't contact him for a month and I didn't tell him that I was going to do it."

 

Listen to yourself. You've done the same thing. It sounds hypocritical. It's how some people need to handle things. You think it's cruel, but at one point you felt you needed to do it. Yes, it would be "nice" if everyone said "best we don't contact for a few months", but then the other one is more than likely the one still wanting back and will reply and reply and do whatever to keep the contact going despite the other persons request and it just makes things worse. It's best not to put time frames on these things and just let them run their course and see where it leads. You can't force things to happen and you can't wait around. I learned that.

[Sad26]

"My birthday was soon after and he sent me best wishes, but I didn't reply. I didn't contact him for a month and I didn't tell him that I was going to do it."

 

Listen to yourself. You've done the same thing. It sounds hypocritical. It's how some people need to handle things. You think it's cruel, but at one point you felt you needed to do it. Yes, it would be "nice" if everyone said "best we don't contact for a few months", but then the other one is more than likely the one still wanting back and will reply and reply and do whatever to keep the contact going despite the other persons request and it just makes things worse. It's best not to put time frames on these things and just let them run their course and see where it leads. You can't force things to happen and you can't wait around. I learned that.

 

Yes, I agree, in the case of OP it sounds bit hypocritical. We don't know the full story.

 

I have a similar story - got a text message after one year relationship that she is breaking up. For three months I begged, cried, pleaded to have one face to face conversation or even a 5 minutes phone call to end this. I never got it. Now its been 6 months, I can see her enjoying, partying, sleeping with other guys - all on FB, Twitter, Whatsapp. How can someone not have 5 minutes after one year of relationship ? How can she read my messages and ignore it, while remaining online and replying to others? I never got a single reply. Even a response that don't contact me would have meant so much. It was like I was not human, I don't exist.

 

Don't I feel that all we had was fake, do I feel like human being ? I feel like a used toothbrush that outlived its utility and was thrown out.

 

Is it not cruel, rude and dehumanizing?

[BC1980]

Whatever others might say, I do understand how cruel and rude it feels to have your messages not responded. It would have been nicer to even get a reply - that please don't message. It does give some sort of validation that whatever you had, and not present or future was not fake.

 

I think it is pretty cruel to ignore someone, whom at one point you said - I love you.

 

The OP also ignored his messages. She wants to ignore his messages when it pleases her, but she calls is rude when he doesn't contact her later on. It makes no sense. I don't think either of them is cruel or rude. They both did what was best in the situation.

[dumbass2]

Sorry Sad26

 

Ithought i was responding to the OP, but my point would be the same that the OP thought it was ok to do it, but then doesn't like when it is done back.

[Satu]

I understand that, but what I don't understand is how someone you cared about, and that cared about you, just ignores you without giving you a reason. When he didn't reply, I started reading into it too much, finding excuses. Even after the first time I messaged him if he just said "lets go no contact for a while" it would have been 100 times better than zero response.

 

Is it not rude and a bit cruel to have done what he did?

 

No answer is the answer.

 

He doesn't want to be in touch with you.

 

Accept it the best you can.

[Satu]

Yes, I agree, in the case of OP it sounds bit hypocritical. We don't know the full story.

 

I have a similar story - got a text message after one year relationship that she is breaking up. For three months I begged, cried, pleaded to have one face to face conversation or even a 5 minutes phone call to end this. I never got it. Now its been 6 months, I can see her enjoying, partying, sleeping with other guys - all on FB, Twitter, Whatsapp. How can someone not have 5 minutes after one year of relationship ? How can she read my messages and ignore it, while remaining online and replying to others? I never got a single reply. Even a response that don't contact me would have meant so much. It was like I was not human, I don't exist.

 

Don't I feel that all we had was fake, do I feel like human being ? I feel like a used toothbrush that outlived its utility and was thrown out.

 

Is it not cruel, rude and dehumanizing?

 

Following her adventures on social media is 100% guaranteed to make you feel miserable.

 

That is you hurting yourself.

 

Block, delete, forget.

[Sad26]

Sorry Sad26

 

Ithought i was responding to the OP, but my point would be the same that the OP thought it was ok to do it, but then doesn't like when it is done back.

 

Thanks, Yes I understood it that way. They both ignored, and as with breakup there are a lot of bruised egos. I still believe in kindness when breaking up, so I would not have wished either of them to ignore the messages.

 

As with most of the stories here on LS, we don't have the full picture.

[Sad26]

Following her adventures on social media is 100% guaranteed to make you feel miserable.

 

That is you hurting yourself.

 

Block, delete, forget.

 

I know, and may be one day I will get that strength to do it. Till that I am wallowing, and I know it is not good. Hence I never also post on LS, I just read other's story and try to get advise from them.

[Satu]

I know, and may be one day I will get that strength to do it. Till that I am wallowing, and I know it is not good. Hence I never also post on LS, I just read other's story and try to get advise from them.

 

It's not necessarily wrong to be wallowing, but you have to make sure that the past doesn't wreck your chance of happiness in the present.

 

Pain caused by snooping on your ex is self-inflicted, and you need to stop it eventually if you want to feel better.

 

I'm not criticising you - just telling you what you already know.

 

I think you'll get over it in time.