Broken. Need your support

[JOYTOME]

Hi, I just typed up a long post but it disappeared. I'll summarize it this time around. I started dating a guy early 2013 and we split officially early 2014. Since then we had established a destructive pattern of rekindling things after a silence of 3 months. During our rship, he introduced my sister to one of his friends who has has since struck up a serious, long term rship with my sister which is leading to marriage. Anyway, needless to say, I feel frustrated, depressed, anxious and sad because I've been unable to get over this guy. I know it doesn't help that as recently as September 2014 we got physically intimate during one of our short- lived reconciliations. It's never been this difficult for me to move in from a relationship and I believe that the close proximity between my sister and my ex, stemming from her serious relationship with his friend referenced above is one of the reasons. I feel like my ex is always mentally present and information about him inadvertently comes my way. It's not my sister's fault, she's been amazing to me.

 

 

 

My ex was horrible during the relationship. I got pregnant he refused to support me in any way or form, emotionally or otherwise and was extremely selfish. I eventually had an early term abortion which was so difficult a choice to make but I felt helpless. He assured me of his unwillingness to give me the support I needed during the pregnancy, said he wouldn't. Even though the day before he had promised to be there for me. He changed his mind the next day and stopped being supportive, had to use all my savings to pay the doctor. Not a penny from him, didn't even call me on the day of the procedure. I went through the abortion process by myself and with my sister's help. He did many other horrible things and I know that he's no good but yet, there's still so much love for him in my heart and it doesn't help that I haven't been with anyone since him.

 

Something recently broke the Carmel's back. I went to my sister's boyfriend's birthday party on sunday and saw my ex who subsequently, via text apologized to me for the hurt he caused me and told me that I'd always have a special place in his heart. He also complimented me about my looks and how pretty I looked etc. and I thought a reconciliation was on the cards again but I couldn't have been further from the truth. Today he mentioned that he was seeing someone (stated seeing her this week) and had also been seeing someone a few months ago (ended 2 months ago) and lasted a few months. His revelations crushed me. I know he's bad for me and he's been horrible but still, I love him a lot and I feel so helpless. I had been doing so well up until I saw him on sunday (hadn't contacted him for 2.5 months and be bad been asking everyone including my sister about me, where I was, why I wasn't it etc). Wish I could take the love out of my chest. In the past, I've gone period as long as 3 months without speaking to him but it did nothing to reduce the feelings, just made me think bout him less. I feel so hurt and pained... The way he even told me made it so much worse and also fact he said to me " I'm looking to settle down". I'm terrified to wake up tomorrow morning because of the pain. When will I stop loving him? When will I heal? Am I emotionally damaged? Why is he seemingly happy and dating without a care in the world despite fact that he did so many awful things yet I'm the one pining for him. Feels like he's won and I've lost. I just want to quench these feelings in my heart for him in order to loosen his power over me. Words of encouragement and hope would really help. I'm 27 years old going on 28 next year. I feel like I've been in this position with this ex so many times yet nothing appears to be changing. It's like the same cycle and i don't know where to start from now.

Edited December 20, 2014 by JOYTOME

[JOYTOME]

Morning. I woke up in a flood of tears... I feel so sad :-(. Can't stop the tears. Please help me. Any words of encouragement would really help..:

[Kaya]

I'm sorry for your pain. It's okay to feel it though, just breathe, soften it, and then let it go, bit by bit.

 

This is an ending - an ending to a horrible cycle of pain that you have been stuck in for awhile. This is a good thing for you in the long run, because this guy is not worthy of your feelings of love.

 

Ask yourself, have you been happy over the last year? Do you really want this guy who is incapable of supporting you during times of need, who goes back on his promises? He was equally responsible for the pregnancy and he just ran away from it, is that really a man, or is it a selfish coward who only cares about himself? This guy doesn't even register your feelings. You know this.

 

You don't really want to be the one who has to "settle down" with him. Really - what has he "won", and what have you "lost"?

You have won the chance to choose a better, more supportive, more loving partner. You will see this, and you will heal.

 

With every ending, comes a new beginning. It's up to you to start a new cycle, one which will be way more fulfilling and happy.

 

Take care of yourself, rest for awhile - and then bring on 2015 where you can start dating new guys. 28 is young and you have so many happy years and new memories to experience.

 

Trust that this is a good thing, and know that everything IS okay.

[JOYTOME]

I'm sorry for your pain. It's okay to feel it though, just breathe, soften it, and then let it go, bit by bit.

 

This is an ending - an ending to a horrible cycle of pain that you have been stuck in for awhile. This is a good thing for you in the long run, because this guy is not worthy of your feelings of love.

 

Ask yourself, have you been happy over the last year? Do you really want this guy who is incapable of supporting you during times of need, who goes back on his promises? He was equally responsible for the pregnancy and he just ran away from it, is that really a man, or is it a selfish coward who only cares about himself? This guy doesn't even register your feelings. You know this.

 

You don't really want to be the one who has to "settle down" with him. Really - what has he "won", and what have you "lost"?

You have won the chance to choose a better, more supportive, more loving partner. You will see this, and you will heal.

 

With every ending, comes a new beginning. It's up to you to start a new cycle, one which will be way more fulfilling and happy.

 

Take care of yourself, rest for awhile - and then bring on 2015 where you can start dating new guys. 28 is young and you have so many happy years and new memories to experience.

 

Trust that this is a good thing, and know that everything IS okay.

Thank you so much for your response. It's been a horrible cycle to say the least. For most of his adult life, he's been involved in a string of short-term relationships and on his own admission, "usually bails when it's time to get take things to the next level". I sincerely wish I had never met him but guess that's life. The last thing I said to him( in response to his comments that we should be friends and "cool" and " happy for one another" was that I didn't regard him as my friend anymore and that his decision to date other people had destroyed whatever was left of our fractured friendship. Truth is, there wasn't even much of a friendship, as soon as he got what he wanted (attention, physical intimacy etcetera ), he would disappear. My posts might not be coherent but I have nobody to speak to and I find that typing here provides some form of relief.

 

 

 

I fear being tormented by thoughts of him being with the female he's dating but then again , I had been living in a fool's paradise because this is not the first woman he's dated since we broke up. Business is just continuing for him as usual.

 

I just feel so mentally exhausted and emotionally shattered. Just wish I could get peace. There are no therapists in my area which doesn't help. Wish I could extract all my love for him and bin it for good. I don't want to have any emotional ties with this man, yet my heart refuses to register this. Meanwhile, he's getting in and out of relationships so effortlessly. I guess the reason why he apologised was just to assuage his guilt ?

 

Thanks so much . Your words of support are much cherished.

[Kaya]

It's a pleasure x Hang in there, and type away, it out does help - better out than in.

 

I guess the reason why he apologised was just to assuage his guilt ?

 

Yes, probably, but it doesn't matter now. He wasn't there for you when you needed him, and he is not here for you now. Leave him in the past, and if you start to have thoughts of him and other girls, just catch yourself, and re-direct the thoughts elsewhere. Your thoughts don't need to control you so much.

 

You could try some other coping techniques to get you through this, if therapy is not available at this stage:

 

1. writing, which you are doing on LS, maybe also write a letter to yourself or if you want, write a letter to him and then just burn it.

2. for inner peace, google topics such as meditation, living in the present moment (eckhart tolle is a good one for youtube videos to watch), or even topics like the law of abundance, the law of attraction, the law of grace, it may help you gain a new perspective

3. google "breaking emotional ties with an ex"

4. maybe try something arty or creative, always a good outlet

5. think of some new and exciting plans to start in your new year

6. if you're really feeling drained and just need to chill and switch off, get an entire series to watch and just veg out on the couch - or find a good book to read, something uplifting, or something fun.