venting and lost

[tender_loving_mei]

its been awhile since i typed out my thoughts. So i thought i'd give it a go.

 

i recently broke up with my now ex-boyfriend of almost 1 year. we had our good times and our bad times. there were times he'd treat me wonderfully when he wanted to and there were time when he mistreated me badly. when it got bad i didn't know what to do. there were a lot of factors that came into our relationship and became a problem overtime. we wouldn't communicate as well as we did and our trust for one another just went out the window. i felt like the peoples in our lives (friends & family) aren't bad people, but was just protecting us or jealous of what he had and envied it. what we had was like a fairytale and as if fate stepped in. the influence and the constant reminder day in and day out of having to keep our guards up from our group of friends/family started playing tricks with our minds. you start suspecting and snooping around, you begin to grow insecure and think the worst of your partner. when in reality it should've just been the 2 of you and no one else in the relationship.

 

we were at the peek of our relationship and so in love, but that all changed

 

it went from verbal abuse to physical abuse. i lost my self-worth and independency. i'm not saying i'm a saint in the relationship. i made my mistakes by looking for attention and affection in all the wrong places over the internet when i wasn't getting any from him, later on in our relationship. it was because i grew insecure from finding out the things he would say/do to other girls, that made me depressed, confused, lost, and down about myself. i ended up changing who i was physically to fit his ideal curvaceous, bombshell ig girl. what i did for him was never enough.

 

he could never love me. he just loved the idea of me rather than me. he loved the things i would do for him like cook, clean, just cater to his every needs and took advantage of that.

 

i wasn't the same after getting an abortion without him knowing. it was scary process/moment and hard going in and out of it alone. i cried for days, fell into depression and was never the same. i kept it from him throughout the relationship, until we officially ended it in mid-october.

 

during our relationship, one of the courses i was taking was personal health. i applied our relationship to the exercises we were doing. i realized how our relationship had become toxic and how i was in severe depression and could not find a healthy way of coping. i began relapsing. i decided on my own to seek professional help without him knowing. i was receiving counseling and medication. he noticed something was off with me because i was sedated on meds. I went from being an emotional wreck to a numbed out, carefree person overnight.

 

i only told him i was getting counseling because of my history of being raped, and family issues...but when in reality it was because of his verbal abuse, physical abuse, and secret abortion that broke me down mentally and psychologically as a person.

 

i don't think he has a clue what he has done to me as a person, most importantly as a woman. all that i've ever said to him about how much i loved him and cared for him i meant it and i would always stand by him even after all he'd done.

 

i don't hate him, i just hate how he chipped away my self-worth throughout our relationship.

 

we just allowed everything around us infect us like a parasite.

 

i'm just venting and hoping to get some feedback. i'm forever hurting about the lost of our unborn, and feeling suffocated and lost unable to tell any of my friends or family. i still find myself aching for him, but i know there's nothing left for us.

 

thanks for reading.

Edited November 24, 2014 by tender_loving_mei

[evanescentworld]

How long were you in counselling?

 

Did you stop?

 

If so, why?

 

Because you know, you need some kind of professional support to guide you in knowing how to put this down, and start living again....

[tender_loving_mei]

2+ months . i'm still going through therapy, but i really don't see the point on telling him now that i was pregnant and i had an abortion, to release that burden that i have and have the closure i need to move on. so i rather carry it to my grave.

 

i'm just so fearful of him. i'm constantly looking over my shoulders.

 

its just been very difficult keeping such a big secret. i've been doing what i do best, and thats to hide behind my smile and act like everything is ok... when its not.

 

i'm at the breaking point. should i tell him and get my closure like my therapist said in order to move on or should i not? he's just going to verbally abuse me and call me a dumb bitch and say i'm lying. when i've never lied to him. i just hid the seeking affection/attention on the internet from him. i knew afterwards what i was doing was wrong, and i stopped right away...it was just addicting to hear someone compliment you.

 

so i'm stuck.