Trust Thine Gut

[SycamoreCircle]

Do you understand where I'm coming from and what would you do in my position?

 

I am 8 months NC from a relationship where my loved one was suddenly yanked from underneath me. She left me for another guy, lied about it, smeared me to her family and friends.

 

Since that time I have undergone therapy, talked to everyone who's ever cared about me, made LoveShack my virtual crypillow, gone on soul searching trips, made out with girls and learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm doing better.

 

Crossroads: I have finally met a woman who seems to like me, who seems mature, who seems to have her life together and who seems ready for a serious relationship. I think I'd like to see her again. We've had one date.

 

About a month ago, due to circumstances not worth mentioning, I lost a job that I really enjoyed. Instinctively, I thought to kinda' break NC by covertly looking at her social media. Sure enough, the douchebag she left me for, 20 years her senior, whom she appears to idolize(in typical NPD fashion), has had his fun with her and is moving on to new territory. From what I can tell she still pines for him. I say "instinctively" because there was something bizarre about our break up, hard to explain really or to convince someone of---I feel that she didn't really break up with me, so to speak I feel that she completely avoided dealing with me, with US, and just fled the situation entirely. I also feel that we are still conjoined psychically.

 

Now, I know some of you are nodding your head. This is something that I can't really qualify. It's something that I feel. And it was confirmed to me when the loss of my job happened. That emotional blow roused my suspicions that SHE was experiencing something, too.

 

Anyway, my whole point is this---I strongly suspect that if I continue seeing this new woman, things will go well, we will become more emotionally linked and RIGHT when that happens my ex will pop back into the picture!

 

Either way I'm not taking my ex back or breaking NC again. But I fear having to deal with the pain of that situation presenting itself and I'm also fearful that it would detrimentally affect any new relationship, however strong.

[CT98]

It does always happen that way. I wouldn't worry about it though, just enjoy your time with the new woman.

 

I've been there before, girlfriend left me for another bloke, I found someone else, she went berserk and wanted me back. Told her no, and now as far as I know she's still happily with the new guy. I'm pleased for her.

 

I have to say though, when I started seeing the new girl I didn't give a solitary sh*t what my ex was up to. You seem to still care...are you ready for a new relationship?

[SycamoreCircle]

That's a good question. I think I really could use a friend. This new woman said to me, "I feel like you wouldn't hurt me." But she also asked me during our date if I was OK. So, I suspect that there is, apparent to other people, residual trauma that I need to deal with.

 

I think I would take things very slowly and not sleep with this new woman until very late. Is that a bad sign? Would I be dragging someone into something they're probably not prepared for?

 

I'd like to hang out with her again.

[CT98]

I don't think that's a bad sign at all. If you want to hang out with her again that's good, you should enjoy the company of a woman who wants you there.

 

As for taking it slow, probably very wise - I think that's how relationships should start anyway. I think a lot of people, me included, rush into relationships without sussing the other person out.

 

I say it's really good that you're enjoying the company of a woman, just go for it, there isn't really anything to worry about.

[Mcnulty]

Go for it my friend! Become transparent, listen to her, laugh at her jokes and enjoy the ride called caughting! What have you got to lose? Nothing! What have you got to gain? A sidekick!

[OwMyEyeball]

If I was in your position I would make a contingency plan then move on.

 

Make it very clear in your head what you'll do if she makes a return. Keep the plan simple. Accept it. Move on.

 

It may help to write it out. Keep emotion, introspection and all that jazz out. You just need a basic course of action.

 

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As far as the psychic link goes ... Couldn't you also reason that you felt compelled to reach out for something familiar or that was once comforting during a time of crisis? Losing a job is really distressing and I'm sorry you had to experience that. But your check-in on her FB page may have been as much driven by the vulnerability of the moment.

[herself]

Forgive me if this advice was already posted but block her every single place. Close your fb page if you need to...I did this and it was a huge help and relief.

If she found a way to get ahold of you dont entertainment any conversation...your response "I've moved on, wish you well, but desire we now have no contact"

Also sounds like you need to mentally let her go. Close your heart and mind to her now. It's over, she's an ex. You have a hopeful life and lovelife ahead of you.

Release this baggage for YOU.

Its your time now. Get off loveshack...or at least start reading the career section of it and dont allow her any more mental space.

Best wishes!

[SycamoreCircle]

Yeah, blocking her:

 

-I don't want to change my phone number because it's a huge hassle.

-I'm actually not on FB. I created a fake profile to be able to look at hers. So I can delete that.

-I don't want to change my e-mail address.

 

Honestly, the more I consider what I said, I don't think she will contact me. She is too prideful and said too many awful things about me to her family and friends to ever be in contact with me again. I have been devalued to the point of no return.

 

So, why did I suggest that? As someone else pointed out, I don't think I'm over her. I loved her so much. I am truly NC now. But I've never been good at letting go of things. I'm doing OK but I have a ways to go.

 

I will pursue things with this other woman, but very slowly. And if it's too slow for the new woman, then I will understandably and apologetically bow out. I'm like a burn victim trying to experience the sensation of touch again.

[blackcat777]

Slow is perfectly acceptable. I don't leave the house without iron underwear these days.

 

I would be clear with her, though. Sometimes, on the other side of the fence, if someone is moving slow and not explaining why, it can be a bit of a head trip.