Coping is so freakin hard - how do you do it?

[Dante311]

I'm the guy that comes in here with an ex who has dumped me 11 times... and of those 10 times, SHE wanted to get back together. We were together for three years. Obviously, on and off.

 

It's been two solid weeks of NO CONTACT, and it's killing me. How do you people do this??

 

To top it off, I learned that as the ex and I were coming to an end, an older guy was hitting on my now ex gf (it doesn't matter now - she's my ex) but at the time, we were together) and even when she told him she's working on things with a guy... he didn't back off. I'm LIVID. This kid is in my community. I want to exchange words with him, but I know that's WRONG.

 

I'm keeping myself busy... friends, dating (I am not pursuing relationships) and focusing on my career (I'm in medicine).

 

I give up on everything else.

 

Oh and I hired a personal trainer and still seeing my therapist.

 

Help??

 

 

I'm super sad.

[Emilia]

You need to view this as a small step every day to get closer and closer to a rollercoaster-free life. Each day you hold out will get you further away from the unhealthy and dysfunctional dynamic you had with your ex. You have to wean yourself off the drama, basically.

[Dante311]

You need to view this as a small step every day to get closer and closer to a rollercoaster-free life. Each day you hold out will get you further away from the unhealthy and dysfunctional dynamic you had with your ex. You have to wean yourself off the drama, basically.

 

It's so hard. I'm at work and I can't focus. And I really want to hit this guy that's been hitting on my now ex, when she was still my gf.

I just learned his name

[Emilia]

It's so hard. I'm at work and I can't focus. And I really want to hit this guy that's been hitting on my now ex, when she was still my gf.

I just learned his name

You should focus on your job or find another one if it doesn't keep you busy enough.

 

Your ex is a whackjob. Are you the kind of guy that dates whackjobs? Is that who you are? Really? Look at yourself! Look at what you have become: a guy that's obsessed with a loony.

[Dante311]

You should focus on your job or find another one if it doesn't keep you busy enough.

 

Your ex is a whackjob. Are you the kind of guy that dates whackjobs? Is that who you are? Really? Look at yourself! Look at what you have become: a guy that's obsessed with a loony.

 

 

it's funny, because there is really nothing I should be insecure about. yet, in this past relationship, I've lost my spine... my self-confidence... my sense of self... and my love for myself (not arrogance)

 

Thanks.

 

I still want to hit this guy

[Emilia]

 

it's funny, because there is really nothing I should be insecure about. yet, in this past relationship, I've lost my spine... my self-confidence... my sense of self... and my love for myself (not arrogance)

 

Thanks.

 

I still want to hit this guy

Dante, you had lots of help from Downtown and some of the others regarding your ex's condition. Now you have to find the way to help yourself. You owe it to yourself. Do you really want to be the shadow of the guy you used to be?

[Dante311]

is it possible to meet someone new? :/

[evanescentworld]

is it possible to meet someone new? :/

 

Does the ocean have waves...?

[siochana]

is it possible to meet someone new? :/

 

Yes, but it might take a while. Be patient.

 

In the meantime, jerk off. Im serious; at least twice a day.

 

And start to physically train. It is impossible to overstate how important this is.

 

Getting physically fit is the simplest and most effective way of proving yourself to yourself. You will also get all the other benefits of being fit; including being more attractive to women.

 

In a similar vein, set small goals and achieve them. This will ameliorate your sense of helplessness and boost your self esteem. This could be as small as improving your cooking skills or reading that Steinbeck novel you always said you would.

 

Dont be hard on yourself pal; its a real bastard.

 

I'm a year out; the pain is still there but it does get better.

 

And you will grow from the experience.

[travelbug1996]

I did it one day at a time. Its gets better, you just have to trust the process.

[Dante311]

I did it one day at a time. Its gets better, you just have to trust the process.

 

I understand it's a process.. and it's a one day at a time thing. Of course we ALL meet someone better, because ANYONE is better than someone who doesn't WANT you. I've been on 3 dates since... (I know it's been TOO recent to date) but I've wanted to just be out there. I'm with good friends - last night was a lot of fun at a fancy dinner party for a friends birthday. Met some cute girls... but I know I'm not ready for any of them. A few of them are worth dating. Or more. I can't yet, I don't want to destroy it.

 

I understand the concept and ideologies behind NO CONTACT, and forgiving and forgetting. I'm sure she hurts just as much as I do... she may have checked out before I did, but she did want me back 10 of the 11 times. I refuse to be her backup now, because that's all I feel I will be. Even my therapist and all my friends truly believe, although it may not be tomorrow or next week... she will be back because that's what's comfortable and right. She'll realize the grass isn't greener. The second I became single, there are (Fortunately for me) a lot of women who are interested in dating me. None that I can reciprocate my feelings I had for the now EX. I'm sure this is true of MANY of you.

 

To me, it's as if I'm starting over... trying to prepare for the new beginning in my life. I know it's not starting over..

 

I try to see the good. I look to the horizon for a new purpose.. and all I can see is her in my mind.

 

:/

[Itspointless]

To me, it's as if I'm starting over... trying to prepare for the new beginning in my life. I know it's not starting over..

Well in a way it is correct, as our important relations always redefine us a bit. Although we must remember we are also still the same person: we constantly change. You are not starting over but again with the knowledge and experiences you have now.

 

She probably will be back, but you know how toxic it is for both of you. For now it still is a paradox. Intoxicate yourself literally (hormones and such). The paradox will get better over time.

 

Use a punching bag for the anger you have to that guy. Some people are ass-holes. Just as some woman only find you interesting when you have a girlfriend. Avoid those people.

Edited November 1, 2014 by Itspointless

[Dante311]

Well in a way it is correct, as our important relations always redefine us a bit. Although we must remember we are also still the same person: we constantly change. You are not starting over but again with the knowledge and experiences you have now.

 

She probably will be back, but you know how toxic it is for both of you. For now it still is a paradox. Intoxicate yourself literally (hormones and such). The paradox will get better over time.

 

Use a punching bag for the anger you have to that guy. Some people are ass-holes. Just as some woman only find you interesting when you have a girlfriend. Avoid those people.

 

 

I don't know what to think or say. I'm so confused.

[Itspointless]

Yes and that is quite understandable. I am affraid it will be hard the coming time. But it is important to go trough. For me reading thick books, watching series, running and my friends always help a bit to refocus my mind. Also finding this forum helped a lot. Previous times I felt like I was insane, not this time.

[preraph]

You're on the right track with the trainer and therapist. Now let me just suggest you kind of reserve your "dwelling" time for when you're at the therapist and consider the rest of your time time off from thinking about this situation. Blow it out real good in therapy and blow off your anger in training because that will keep your body from weathering the stress of it all. Then make a concentrated effort to not focus on the situation the rest of the time. Plan activities with friends or without them. Take up a new hobby or an old one. Get out and about and don't talk about your ex while out with your friends because the goal is to make new fresh untained memories that are not about her to crowd out the old ones that are and put them in perspective. I suggest if you can afford it, taking a nice long vacation someplace you've always wanted to explore. Seeing another part of the world and even just being up in the air looking down can make you see what a small blip she is in the overall scheme of things.

[MissMoneyPenny]

Forget her. She treated you terribly. You deserve to be treated SO much better than that. I love this quote:

"Just remember some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet".

You will fall in love again & it will be with someone who will treat you SO much better. x

[Dante311]

I ****ed up.

 

I texted her..

 

Asking her after 3 and a little more than half a year... we can't talk anymore??? We can't be friends???

 

She ignored me. So I said, "Fine, let this be the last message to you. I will never forgive you"

 

Then I apologized via email. She accepted the apology and asked for space.

 

I am such an idiot.

 

Also - GREAT article people should read!!

 

How The People We Once Loved Become Strangers Again | Thought Catalog

[sammiexo]

It will be okay. it's easy to have relapses, especially in the beginning stages of NC. "The best we can do is breathe and reboot."

[Dante311]

It will be okay. it's easy to have relapses, especially in the beginning stages of NC. "The best we can do is breathe and reboot."

 

I'm really trying..

 

thank you by the way.

 

This is ****ty, because I'm in a VERY demanding area of medicine and it's fn me up.

 

I went on a date to distract myself last night (instead of doing my work like I should've)...

 

and I don't know how it came up (we are both in our early 30's.. ok I'm 30, she's 2 years older than me...) and she's really cute, successful and mentioned how i am tall, fit, attractive, great career.

 

...i wasn't fishing for compliments, I forgot how it came up.

 

Yet.. I dont see any of those qualities in myself.

[Itspointless]

This is ****ty, because I'm in a VERY demanding area of medicine and it's fn me up.

 

I went on a date to distract myself last night (instead of doing my work like I should've)...

 

and I don't know how it came up (we are both in our early 30's.. ok I'm 30, she's 2 years older than me...) and she's really cute, successful and mentioned how i am tall, fit, attractive, great career.

 

...i wasn't fishing for compliments, I forgot how it came up.

 

Yet.. I dont see any of those qualities in myself.

Don't contact your ex any-more man, she only has brought you misery. Also a cute and successful woman gives you compliments, believe them! You earn much better than your ex, but you have to learn to see what your date saw.

[Zahara]

Yet.. I dont see any of those qualities in myself.

 

You see no value in yourself. Tolerating severe ill-treatment is indicative of lack of self-love. You've been stripped of your self-esteem by that controlling and manipulative woman.

 

I hope that statement in bold is an eye-opener for you that things have to change and stay changed.

[Dante311]

I realized... (although It's still painful)... we're taking SPACE. This means to me that she is keeping me on the back burner. We're playing the grass is greener game.

 

WTF?

 

The grass is greener?

 

that means...

 

F No.

 

I'm second best?

 

You want to wait and see if someone better comes along? After everything we've been through, good and bad? You say I'm amazing... will be a great father, a great husband, great career, very handsome, excellent lover, sensitive and caring to YOUR needs (neglecting my own)... yet, there is someone better out there for you? Good. Go find him. And if you do, you have my blessing. If you don't, don't come sniffing around. I'm no one's second best. I'm not arrogant or conceited, but I'm moving on. I'm not going to lie in wait, just to be your backup guy. I have more self-respect than that.

 

No one should be second best. Especially after a 4 year relationship. And ****, no one should be as freaking mean and selfish as you are. I may have had my f ups, like everyone else, but at least I worked on them. At least I went to therapy. At least I made an effort for myself.

 

You just suck at it. You will never change, because you're too lazy too. You always refused to go out and have a good time with me, but you would with your volleyball team, especially Dan. How am I supposed to perceive THAT? But nope, it's ok, because YOU'RE doing it.

 

I go see a lifelong friend b/c she's having relationship issues (and I DO NOT see her in the way you keep accusing me of - and she's not even attractive to me, not to be mean), but that's not OK. Because you're not doing it.

 

Dana (yes I'm using her real name)... You ****ing suck. you made me miserable this last 4 years when I was so good to you. I have my flaws and ****ups. But so do you. At least I made the effort to be the best person I can be. And when you realize I am that amazing... And able to balance life in medicine and a family... and I'm going to be an awesome father, husband, lover, and friend.. you'll always be too late. The moment you uttered the words, "I'm breaking up with you"... was too late. you ended our future right there. I forgive myself. I love myself.

 

I do not forgive you. I never will. The moment I do, is the moment my love for you will allow you to come back into my life and suck the life-force out of me. Never again.

 

Goodbye, Dana.

[xUnknown]

Its good to get those emotions out. We've all had them.

 

But in time, you will forgive her... Why, you may ask...? Because you won't care anymore. You won't care enough NOT to forgive her. You won't care and want to put emotion into hating her. So, you let it go. You say **** it. You let it be.

 

You let it go because you're indifferent. You have no hate. You have no love. It is what it is. So, you be the bigger person, forgive and let it go.

 

One day, this will happen. Without you even knowing it. And when you do realize this day has happened, you'll reminisce about the good, the bad, the great and the ****ty and think to yourself...Yeah, I'm better off, but, I learned a lot.

 

Then, you go over to your wife, give her a kiss, and tell her you love her. Because if you hadn't gone through this, you wouldn't be with her. So, you thank Dana, because she helped you find this woman, the love of your life, even though it hurt you so much.

 

That's forgiveness.

[Dante311]

I don't want to forgive her.

 

Ever.

 

I am fearful that when I do, I'll let her back in.

 

Thank you for the kind support

[evanescentworld]

In time, I promise you, this pain will abate, and you'll be more philosophical. But in any moment where you fear weakness, make sure you read, and re-read your post, above, as many times as you need to, to help you 'come to your senses' and move on.

 

Go complete No Contact, bar her number, prevent her texts and erase her from your life.

One step at a time, Dante....