Veered off my life path

[Swimmer916]

Hey guys,

 

Hope everyone is doing well. I just needed to discuss my situation and see if anyone has similar experiences.

 

I met my first true love the first week of college. We started dating after a few months. She was amazing. I felt like she completed a part of me that I was always missing. I went to college far away from home and she was from the area. I became so close to her family. I loved my "new home" and everything about her.

 

We ran into some tough times beginning of junior year. Long story short, the love began to fade on my side and some GIGS syndrome came into play. But I told myself I would never leave a girl this amazing for someone else. We began to argue more and finally we split our senior year. It felt right for the first few months. She begged to date again but I said "No". Eventually we started having sex all the time after drunk nights out at the bars. We then began to see each other until graduation. The love I felt my freshman year had come back. I knew she was the one. However, she didn't want to date again.

 

Fast forward to this day. We both live in the same city now. I took a great job in the area (I got the offer when we were still dating). She works in the city. We swam together in college so we share a very mutual friend group. However, since the breakup we can't hangout as much and it eats me alive. Our plan was to stay together after college for the long run. Eventually after we settled into our careers, we would get married and have a nice place together. Her family was like my own. They would always speak about us and how we were so right for each other.

 

Well this didn't happen. Instead, she has a new BF. Her post-grad life is taking off and here I am depressed wishing I could have it all back. Those 4 years in college were my best to date. I miss her, I miss her family, I miss sharing our lives together. Everyone said take time in your 20's to figure out what you want. We had no conflicting future plans. We both wanted a family in together since our careers would be in the same city. Ever since graduation a few months ago I have this deep and dark feeling of regret. I wish I had taken her back when she asked me to get back together. I let my senior year get the best of me and pushed this plan away. I feel as I will never get anything as good as her again. She was everything a guy could ask for. Loyal, Smart, Hardworking, Kind and absolutely beautiful. I'm still not sure how I was able to fall for me lol.

 

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm hoping a day comes when I get shake off this regret. I'm scared that I'll be growing older and continue to think "What if?" I feel like a lost not only my soulmate but also the perfect and fufilling life I always dreamed of.

[preraph]

You've got to stop looking back and just move forward. Your best days can very well still be ahead. You probably were not ready to settle down yet back then. That's really young, so stop punishing yourself for it. Now you are and if you don't let this regret keep you running in place, you will now find a nice woman you can also love.

[Swimmer916]

I really am trying to move on. The thoughts plague me. Will I find someone as good as her? I can't even imagine trying to date or put myself out there now. My self-esteem has taken a hit and I am not nearly the happy outgoing person I once was.

 

I know I have two options, let this regret weigh on me forever or move on. I'm trying so hard to do the later but with no progress

[GoBlue]

Thanks for sharing Swimmer916 - I would imagine that most people understand what you are talking about and many have had similar experiences. My biggest regret - at the age of 49 - is how I took my wife for granted for all those years. She finally had enough and divorced me in 2009. As a result of circumstances involved that led to the divorce, I even lost my occupation that I probably will never have again (even though I went thousands of dollars into debt to achieve a degree for). So, there are degrees of regret and some you never want to experience!

 

The truth of the matter is that you cannot have a "soul mate" who doesn't make the choice of being in the relationship. This concept is one that leads lots of people down rabbit trails of depression and regret because after the initial feelings of enthusiasm and infatuation run out, settling into normalcy seems so "unfulfilling." After all, if this person were my "soul mate" wouldn't those great feelings continue day-in-and-day-out? The truth of the matter is that relationships are maintained by effort and commitment. What we really need to look for is our "sole-mate" - that one person we commit to and work hard every day to meet the needs of.

 

Feelings come and feelings go, ebb-and-flow is absolutely normal. I have no idea if you are going to end up with this woman or not, but one thing I do know is living in the past is not productive at all. She has made her choice - what option do you have other than accepting it and moving on? Someone is out there and my prayer is that you find that special person by "being" a special person. Blessings!