Broke NC, how do I stop myself from doing it again?

[Arvanna]

This is more of a vent than a question really..

When we gave our relationship a 2nd go, I already had this weird gut feeling every time I'm with him that he's not the one for me. He wasn't as physically attractive as I thought he was back when I was deeply in love with him. His ego and the way he talk about himself turned me off at times. But the moment he started being emotionally distant again, was the moment I disregarded my gut feeling and start wanting to pull him back.

 

Now that he dumped me, I'm back to being as depressed as the day he dumped me the 1st time a year ago. I constantly want to reach out to him and beg for a 2nd chance, or even friendship, anything to alleviate me from feeling like I'm not even good enough for someone who I don't even deem relationship-material. Sounds dumb, doesn't it?

 

I got so used to being with him, now that I'm single, I feel so lonely. That loneliness led me to feeling invalidated, insecure, and desperate. I have lists and lists of reasons why he's not for me; several being he still flirts with other girls on instagram, his narcissistic ways, his lack of empathy. I know my attraction to someone so emotionally unavailable means that I'm not emotionally available either. I know better than to break NC, I just don't know how to begin living my life again without feeling the need to feel validated by him.

Edited October 24, 2014 by Arvanna

[stillafool]

I think you would benefit by seeing an therapist to get to the root of your problem. Leave him alone and let him date other girls (he will anyway) and get the help you need now so you will be ready for a relationship later.

[Reels]

If he was so bad, you can find much better than him.

[OwMyEyeball]

How were you living your life before the two of you met?

[Arvanna]

I feel so stupid. I know the right thing to do is to not chase someone who doesn't care about me anymore, but I can't stop obsessing about the "why" of him not caring about me anymore. I gave in and called him. He gave me only one word answers to everything I asked or said.

 

I called wanting answers but instead I only end up with more questions. I just don't understand how someone can just turn off their emotions as if there was a switch. He broke up with me only a week ago and he's already chasing some new, as if I never meant anything to him. He's okay with moving on with his life and I'm here, feeling broken. I feel like I don't do who I am anymore and everything I do just feels so unnatural. Breaking NC hurts but it's the only thing that feels familiar..

 

Every night I go to bed feeling okay but every morning I wake up to wanting him all over again despite everything he has done to me. How do I stop this cycle? How do I maintain NC even in my weakest moments, especially when I have no one else to talk to?

[lala2001]

I understand how you feel... how long were you guys together? why did you break up?

[alampnamedbob]

Hey Arvanna,

 

 

Try not to focus on trying to understand the "why" right now. It is natural to want him right now because you are so used to him being there. It will take time for this to wear off. Right now you need to try to take it one hour at a time and then try to take it one day at a time. Try to work on yourself and when you are feeling down try to reach out to another friend or family member instead.

 

 

It is going to be hard but you need to take time for yourself. You will get through this. Right now you do not need to talk to him because it will not help your condition. We are here for you.

[Arvanna]

I understand how you feel... how long were you guys together? why did you break up?

 

We were together for 4 years (from 17-21). It was a rocky relationship.. He had nothing and I was there to support him the whole way, despite his constant need for attention from other girls. Besides that, he was pretty much good at everything else which was why it was so hard for me to let go.

 

Once he started making more money than me, he started getting cocky and eventually dumped me because of GIGS (he admitted to having GIGS himself).

 

I went into depression but got better then one year later he came back begging for 2nd chance, which I was hesitant to giving him. I eventually gave in because he was so affectionate and loving, as if he's a whole new person. When my trust issues due to our past relationship came up, he suddenly changed back into the cold and distant person that he was a year ago before the 1st breakup. He just dumped me out of nowhere, saying he's too independent to ever be in a relationship, yet he's chasing someone new now..

 

Hey Arvanna,

 

 

Try not to focus on trying to understand the "why" right now. It is natural to want him right now because you are so used to him being there. It will take time for this to wear off. Right now you need to try to take it one hour at a time and then try to take it one day at a time. Try to work on yourself and when you are feeling down try to reach out to another friend or family member instead.

 

 

It is going to be hard but you need to take time for yourself. You will get through this. Right now you do not need to talk to him because it will not help your condition. We are here for you.

 

You're right, I'm so used to him being here that everything feels unnatural now that he's not.. I'm trying so hard to not want him anymore, it's just really hard to follow through with NC.

[dclan]

I feel so stupid. I know the right thing to do is to not chase someone who doesn't care about me anymore, but I can't stop obsessing about the "why" of him not caring about me anymore. I gave in and called him. He gave me only one word answers to everything I asked or said.

 

I called wanting answers but instead I only end up with more questions. I just don't understand how someone can just turn off their emotions as if there was a switch. He broke up with me only a week ago and he's already chasing some new, as if I never meant anything to him. He's okay with moving on with his life and I'm here, feeling broken. I feel like I don't do who I am anymore and everything I do just feels so unnatural. Breaking NC hurts but it's the only thing that feels familiar..

 

Every night I go to bed feeling okay but every morning I wake up to wanting him all over again despite everything he has done to me. How do I stop this cycle? How do I maintain NC even in my weakest moments, especially when I have no one else to talk to?

 

Let me put this in another perspective for you:

 

Right now your ex is behaving like a douchebag, and right now all he can see in you is an obstacle to him finding his happines, which is basicly chasing any girl he meets.

 

So...give your emotions a vacation.

 

What ever is meant to happen between you 2 in the future, either getting back together or never speaking to each other again, will be decided in a few months, when you have a clear mind to think, and so does he.

 

Right now, neither of you have a clear mind. So why not give your emotions and your mind a vacation--- ?

 

Try this: promise to yourself 1 month of not thinking about him, no social media, no looking at pictures, etc. Just 1 month, and only to give your head some space so your brain can calm down an analize the situation properly.

 

Maybe in 1 month, you can try contacting him, and see if you get your answers. Or maybe you will not even care. Or maybe he will give you the answers you want without even asking him to. Or maybe, maybe maybe.

 

But right now, you need to clear your head from him. So that, in the future, you can analyze what you want with the situation.

 

So give yourself that month of not thinking about this problem. Set the problem aside. Fix it later. Pretend your break up is like a dirty dish sitting in the sink, something you don't want to clean up right now, and you will deal with it in a few hours.

 

[Zahara]

I feel so stupid. I know the right thing to do is to not chase someone who doesn't care about me anymore, but I can't stop obsessing about the "why" of him not caring about me anymore. I gave in and called him. He gave me only one word answers to everything I asked or said.

 

Trying to badger him to care is self-destructive. Accept that he doesn't care and stop forcing him to feel the way you feel. The more you push the more you make him "uncare". Chasing your own tail. You won't get the response you want.

 

I called wanting answers but instead I only end up with more questions. I just don't understand how someone can just turn off their emotions as if there was a switch. He broke up with me only a week ago and he's already chasing some new, as if I never meant anything to him. He's okay with moving on with his life and I'm here, feeling broken. I feel like I don't do who I am anymore and everything I do just feels so unnatural. Breaking NC hurts but it's the only thing that feels familiar..

 

He didn't turn it off. Dumpers usually detach slowly. They plan, they think, they decide, they ponder...as they slowly get to the point where they are ready to detach and when they do, it's a shock to you because it is sudden. It isn't a switch off because they've been planning and moving towards it long before. When he was ready to detach, he detached and is now moving on to someone else.

 

Breaking NC is the only thing familiar because you've made it a pattern. You've become addicted to it because you're craving his validation. Until you accept it's over and you accept that he has moved on, you're going to keep chasing your tail.

 

Every night I go to bed feeling okay but every morning I wake up to wanting him all over again despite everything he has done to me. How do I stop this cycle? How do I maintain NC even in my weakest moments, especially when I have no one else to talk to?

 

Come here if you want to break NC. People will try and talk you out of it. When you want to break NC, step back, breathe and talk yourself out of it -- have a dialogue within and go through why it's a bad idea, why it's futile, why is doesn't change a thing. Give yourself an hour. Focus on self-control. You've created a pattern so you need to break it. Distract yourself and go do something, talk to a friend, go for a run, clean your house, etc. If after an hour you still want to break NC, give yourself another hour. In time the urge will pass.

[Itspointless]

Every night I go to bed feeling okay but every morning I wake up to wanting him all over again despite everything he has done to me. How do I stop this cycle? How do I maintain NC even in my weakest moments, especially when I have no one else to talk to?

I am afraid there is only one way. In a way you are addicted to him: it is your attachment to him that keeps saying to you I want my dose. We have to thank the hormone Oxytocin for that. It is the same mechanism why abused woman return to their partners: they feel that missing the attachment is often worse than the the abuse as the abuse is part-time. Or think of children who often seek for negative attention as attention is attention.

 

Be kind to yourself, stay away from him for a while!

[Arvanna]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm still hurting but I know any more contact right now is useless. Of course he doesn't mind me breaking NC. He loves the attention and knowing he's so wanted without having to do or saying anything in return.

 

He blocked me on facebook and instagram today.. He makes me feel as though I cheated on him or something. As if I was the one who inflicted pain onto him and he has to run away from me. I find it hard to stay angry at everything that he is doing and have done to me in the past. All I want to know is why I am not good enough for him. Why he would rather go back to flirting with all these girls even though they would never give him the time of day. I'm so tired.