Will I ever get over my cheating ex-wife and move on with my life?

[Tiredofwakingup]

Hey guys, I'm a 28 year old veteran currently going through a divorce. I was with my wife (24) just a little over four years. We have a 5 year old daughter together. I already have an attorney dealing with my case, so please don't comment telling me to get lawyer. Already getting the divorce, custody, and child support stuff taken care of.

 

So, when i originally started dating my wife she was already with someone. She left him and we got together. Later she got pregnant, I joined the military, went to bootcamp, and when I came back I found out that while I was in bootcamp she was seeing someone. While she was pregnant for some time already. This fling was non-sexual. Our daughter was born just after I came back from bootcamp, I saw her come into this world. It was enough for me to put all of that behind us.

 

We got married just before I deployed to Afghanistan. After I came back from my deployment in Afghanistan in 2010, I had alot of medical issues to deal with. I had problems. We kept splitting up. Everytime we did she would go back to her mom's house in her hometown. This happened about 4 times. She cheated everytime. She would come back, and I would find out. She'd apologize and cry but wanted it to be forgotten about instantly.

 

I wanted to forgive her but she had to let me do it on my own terms. She wouldn't talk about it. But she would constantly do things that would remind me of what she had done. And she would keep in contact with friends and family members that supported her cheating on me. They would talk about how much fun they had when she was back home. This was all unintentional of course, she didn't go out of her way to rub it on my face. She really did just want to put it behind us. This made me angry though. I had problems forgiving her. I was hurt by all this. I would argue with her, keep making her feel bad, keep bringing it up everytime I was reminded of it. I talked to her very badly, said some ungodly horrible things to her. I was a total ******* to her everytime I thought about her cheating. Yeah, I was a dick. She wouldn't let me get over it and forgive her on the terms that I needed. It was basically, "hey, i'm back. I cheated, I'm sorry, but I came back because I love you so let's act like nothing ever happened. You're not allowed to be mad, so let's just start having sex again and being all cuddly with each other!" Every. Single. Goddamn. Time. ****.

 

I stopped wanting to have sex with her. I would be repulsed by the thought of having sex with her because of her cheating. I didn't even like her touching me. All I could ever think of was her being with another man. I did not have any desire to touch her let alone stick my penis into her vagina, I felt like I would squeeze out some other guy's sperm.

 

After I got out, we moved back to NYC (She is from PA). We still had problems dealing with things that happened in the past. I felt like her apologies weren't sincere. I felt like she only came back because she couldn't get along with her mom. Everyone assured me that she loved, but I stopped feeling it. Then again, nobody knew of her cheating. I was too embarrassed to reveal that.

 

She found me laying on the couch with a friend, both of us in t-shirt and underwear. Nothing happened. She was actually a lesbian. Our relationship was more like obe between dudes. But I know what it looked like. She assumed we were having an affair and she was well within her right. I let her believe it, I wanted her to know what I felt. She went back to PA with my daughter and is now leaving me for another man. She had been gone for about 8 months. She moved on after about 4. Wow, how convenient.

 

During our time apart I thought we could salvage things. I went to therapy, counseling, everything. I literally transformed, became a new person. I was ready to start over with her. It seemed like it was all for nothing since she found someone else. I even told her about how I really didn't cheat on her. I even proved it to her. She believes me, but she just doesn't care. I'm still glad though that I've become more positive and just a better person, but it doesn't seem like it's going to last.

 

We don't talk anymore. Unless it's me trying to get in touch with my kid. She says she's happier now. She says she doesn't love me or care about me anymore. I've come to the realization that this girl never loved me. But it still hurts. I feel betrayed, hurt, worthless, emasculated, inadequate, less than a man. I know that I'm good in bed, that's not what I mean by emasculate and inadequate. But still, a man's ego is crushed when he is cheated on. Men that get cheated on are looked at like beta weaklings and that's what I felt like because of her. Also, most women lately not only seem uninterested in me but disgusted and repulsed by me. I'm lonely in a city with so many people. Have had no luck meeting women. I can't even get any responses on any dating websites. I can't stop thinking about my ex. I don't think its because I still have feelings for but because of how upsetting it is to know how unfair she was to me. Still not sure. It's all I've been thinking about the past three weeks. And the fact that I will always remember how she did me dirty, well at least until my daughter turns 18.

 

So how do I move on? What do I do with myself now? How do I regain my confidence and pride? I can't even look myself in the mirror. And apparently, even women can't stand to look at me.

[blackcat777]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any experience with people cheating, but I would give you a hug. :\

 

One thing I try to focus on, that helps me, is being aware that when I feel awful, it doesn't mean I AM awful (like clouds over the sun). I am more than my feelings and sometimes it's natural to feel awful.

 

Even if it's just to go to the store, I dress well and try to cultivate positive exchanges with people, chatting up a cashier or randomly shooting someone a sincere smile. I try to keep my vibes as positive I can (despite that I am hurting), and people do respond to good energy. It sometimes gets me by surprise when a stranger compliments me or asks me about something, but none of that would have happened if I didn't shower for three days, and went out in ratty sweatpants with greasy hair.

 

This also proves to me that even if the one person I want to smile at me is too thick-headed to do it, the rest of the world is still smiling back at me. It's a nice reminder of my own worth (attracting smiles, hey, I must be alright!), and they say energy flows where attention goes (or fake it until you make it), so I still make an effort to present my best self to the world. The return is I get the best out of whatever I'm doing, even if it's only the small things right now.

 

I still don't always FEEL happy when the universe smiles back at me, but I am at least conscious that it's happening and it helps me to know that there are good things and I will be/am okay.

 

I put on a nice sundress and went for a walk the other day, and a bunch of cute landscapers whistled at me. You just never know. But I think by being good to myself, it's like wearing a sign that says, "Hello! I'm open to goodness from you!" Other people can take it or leave it, and some people are grumpy, there's no guarantee, but at the end of the day, being kind, well-kept, and open feels better than putting up a wall or caving into the urge to curl up and die.

 

Even when I don't feel okay, I can still maintain the physical process of making everything else okay about me that I can. I think, over time, that kind of discipline can help readjust the mind. There is definite value in cultivating positive routine, especially in times of internal chaos.

 

Anyway, that's my theory on not giving up on myself and happiness in small moments. I hope you feel better soon.

[Justaguy30]

Just realize that her actions had nothing to do with you. She made all of those choices because she is a selfish person. Just be happy that its over if you can and realize that now you can find someone good to be in your life. If someone is willing to leave someone else for you and has been cheating on them they will do the same thing to you. That is who they are and someone else isn't going to change that. Lesson learned. The biggest thing you have to realize is that all of the healing is going to take time. You just have to stay strong in the mean time. Things will get better!!! For me its been 9 months and I was in a very similar situation and I am finally starting to heal. You will never forget about it but the memories and thought become less painful as time goes on. I suggest the closest thing you can maintain to No Contact which will be hard since you have a child together but what they say is true No contact is very very important in the healing process

[dclan]

Ok, this one is a hard one to deal with.

 

Ok so, first of all:

 

a) She seems to be a very emotional inmature person to begin with. I mean...when your relationship with her started she was seeing someone else. So basicly, she cheated on that guy with you. Then while you were away, she probably cheated too. Then every time you guys had a fight, she would go to her hometown for a certain period of time, cheat, then come back.

 

A second testimony of her inmaturity, aside from her being young (24), is that every time she had a problem with you, she would move to her mother's house. Its as if she behaves like a child running to mommy. How old was she when you guys got married?

 

Now aside from her emotional problems, being an army wife is already very hard. Not many women can handle that. And a woman like her...much less.

 

b) Regarding all this feeling as less of a man because of her cheating. Just don't do that.

 

Se didn't cheat on you because she didn't consider you "man enough". She cheated on you, because she doesn't know how to handle a relationship. I bet you that if you ask about her previous relationships, she probably cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had.

 

In fact...if she is with a new man, she is probably cheating on him too.

 

Dude...you are a soldier. You enlisted in the army, having the courage to serve your country, and went to on to fight a war. Is there anything more manly than that? There is nothing more manly than being a soldier dude.

 

However, I do understand the feeling. She had you, a strong brave man. A war hero. And even after having a man like that, she probably went on and screwed pathethic little wimps who would cowar in fear when facing a cocroach.

 

From a man's point of view....it makes no sense at all. And it makes no sense...because it just doesn't make sense.

 

-------

 

So what can we do about this.

 

She has problems mate. She is a cheater, because thats probably how she deals with her life problems. Thats probably how she always dealt with her relationships.

 

She got married very young, which is a commitment she wasn't ready to handle.

 

She didn't cheat on you, because of you.

 

If she had been married to a millionare, she would have cheated.

If she had been married to brad pitt, she would have cheated.

If she had been married to mr perfect, she would have cheated.

 

Its probably just who she is.

 

So....your question....when will you be over her?

 

When you stop being angry at the situation, and just accept that she is not relationship material. Don't hate her, pity her. I know she did you a lot of harm. But with time, you will see that your marriage with her didn't have a future, unless of course, one day she decides to grow up.

 

And btw...the only thing she did with her cheating, was disgrace herself.

 

You are a war hero mate. You walk down the street, and people will say hello to you, congratulate you, and thank you for protecting them.

 

I honestly think that eventually....when she grows up, she will realise this.

 

Since she seems to be incredibly screwed up, my best advice to you is to let go. Write her an e-mail or letter, tell her you forgive her and that you accept the divorce; that you wish nothing but happiness to her in hew new life, and that you wish her well.

 

Then, sit back, enjoy your life, be happy you got out of that relationship....and then prepare yourself because for the rest of your life, your going to be hearing how ****ed up her life is, because people like her, will never be happy. And THATS THE MOMENT, she will regrett everything she did.

 

Aside from that, you have a kid together, its always best at least if you guys can get along. At least a bit.

[Justaguy30]

I agree with Dclan, my ex pulled the same ****. She has cheated on everyone she has ever been with. Me, her ex husband, The guy she left me for. She is cheating on people that she is cheating with. Its just never going to make sense. She has emotional issues and that is how she deals with her feelings. To her cheating is worth it because for that period of time it makes her feel better and more cool or who knows. The fact is she is just a bad seed. All the best and hope you get things figured out.

[dclan]

I agree with Dclan, my ex pulled the same ****. She has cheated on everyone she has ever been with. Me, her ex husband, The guy she left me for. She is cheating on people that she is cheating with. Its just never going to make sense. She has emotional issues and that is how she deals with her feelings. To her cheating is worth it because for that period of time it makes her feel better and more cool or who knows. The fact is she is just a bad seed. All the best and hope you get things figured out.

 

I know a girl that is just like that too.

 

She cheats on her boyfriends, and then cheats on her lovers too.

 

It makes no sense. But then again, she has never been happy. She is always sad that she never has "a commited relationship"....the irony.

 

The worst part is that, in her mind, its always her boyfriend's (or lover's) fault, who are mean to her, so when she cheats on them, its because she is entitled to get revenge on them. And according to her, the relationships fail, because she always dates "jerks" (despite the fact that most of them are actually nice guys).

 

But like I said, she has never been happy, and probably never will. And is always depressed about her love life.

[Justaguy30]

I know a girl that is just like that too.

 

She cheats on her boyfriends, and then cheats on her lovers too.

 

It makes no sense. But then again, she has never been happy. She is always sad that she never has "a commited relationship"....the irony.

 

The worst part is that, in her mind, its always her boyfriend's (or lover's) fault, who are mean to her, so when she cheats on them, its because she is entitled to get revenge on them. And according to her, the relationships fail, because she always dates "jerks" (despite the fact that most of them are actually nice guys).

 

But like I said, she has never been happy, and probably never will. And is always depressed about her love life.

 

That sounds exactly like my ex, always cheating because her partner is "being abusive" where as her boyfriend is being mean because she is lying to him and cheating on him but she can't seem to see that for some reason. Always depressed and never happy with anyone she is with and of course its all her boyfriends fault. Its funny how many people out there are like these women and its always the same bull ****. These women will come up with any excuse to justify their behaviors... You went out and got her a sandwich and it had the wrong cheese on it so she ****ed someone else. I mean literally things that stupid.

[No Limit]

I'm sorry you fell for her. Nonetheless I advise you to ask for a paternity test to perhaps save you a lot of money - and to stay away from women who jump from relationship to relationship in the future.

[mefisto]

So, when i originally started dating my wife she was already with someone. She left him and we got together. Later she got pregnant, I joined the military, went to bootcamp, and when I came back I found out that while I was in bootcamp she was seeing someone. While she was pregnant for some time already.

Man, i am so sorry, but i have to ask. Are you sure it is your daughter? Did you have DNA test?

[Justaguy30]

Not to push further speculation as to if the child is yours but they now sell over the counter DNA test kits so you can do it without making a huge deal of it.

[Justaguy30]

Don't feel bad, its hard when you love someone. I too learned the hard way.

[StrangerThanFiction]

My ex is the same way. One relationship to the next, all the while cheating on everyone. He cheated on his wife with me. I didn't know this till about a year and a half when the divorce papers came in and I saw when he had officially left her. Quite the shock and boy did I feel guilty, even though I hadn't been aware of the full scope of the situation. Should've left him then. Then he left me for another woman a year ago and came crawling back 2 months later. Took him back, stupidly. Now he left me for someone else again (I'm pretty sure) and that's it, I'm done. I'm tired of being a place-saver. What helps me is knowing he'll never change and will never be happy with what he has. Your ex sounds the same way. There's someone out there that will deserve your love, loyalty and obvious devotion, know that. Yeah, it's going to take some time to get past the pain this chick has caused you, but it will pass.

[amtz]

Brother in arms! Did we date the same chick? LOL I will relate my story to you tomorrow morning. Heading over for NYC in new years by the way bro! Cervezas??

 

Cheer up brother!!

 

USAF PARARESCUE!

 

Whoa!