Been learning so much these last days

[Bella2]

Hi everyone,

 

BU almost a month now. He left, I felt shattered and rejected and lonely and all that. We are or all have been there. It also seems I have already been "replaced".

 

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soulsearching and I think I'm too clingy in relationships (not exagerated, but in little things). I need to know I'm loved, feel insecure if I'm not sure about it, scared of losing it, scared of being alone etc etc. I adapt myself in ways to the other to be loved. Which in the end, yes, does not work.

 

I've been reading A LOT these last days. I'm really starting to understand things for the first time in my life. For the moment I'm reading a very interesting book, that explains why we humans are so in need of love and appreciation. How we attach ourselves to another person, and how - when we lose the attachment - are devestated. We lose ourselves in relationships, expect unrealistic things, lose our individuality, our "core"... It's based on buddhism and really, it has helped a lot! (and for your information - I'm not at all a "new agy-type-person")

 

 

"Suffering has a cause. The cause is our attachment to the familiar, the known"

 

"The cause of suffering can be ended by releasing expectations and attachments. We can still have meaningful relationships but without that needy clingy attachment based of fear of loss and fear of being alone and seperate"

 

Sorry, the book I'm reading is not available in English. But you should have a look online. "Buddhism and love" or "Buddhism and broken heart".

 

[evanescentworld]

Who's the Author?

 

I'm a practising[HIGHLIGHT]*[/HIGHLIGHT] Buddhist, in case you hadn't guessed....!

 

*

*

*

 

([HIGHLIGHT]*[/HIGHLIGHT]I'm working on getting it right, some day! )

[Bella2]

I sort of guessed, reading your posts

 

Seriously, it's an eye-opener!!!

 

His name is Jan Geurtz, but I think he has only been published in Dutch.

[evanescentworld]

Hi everyone,

 

BU almost a month now. He left, I felt shattered and rejected and lonely and all that. We are or all have been there. It also seems I have already been "replaced".

 

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soulsearching and I think I'm too clingy in relationships (not exagerated, but in little things). I need to know I'm loved, feel insecure if I'm not sure about it, scared of losing it, scared of being alone etc etc. I adapt myself in ways to the other to be loved. Which in the end, yes, does not work.

 

I've been reading A LOT these last days. I'm really starting to understand things for the first time in my life. For the moment I'm reading a very interesting book, that explains why we humans are so in need of love and appreciation. How we attach ourselves to another person, and how - when we lose the attachment - are devestated. We lose ourselves in relationships, expect unrealistic things, lose our individuality, our "core"... It's based on buddhism and really, it has helped a lot! (and for your information - I'm not at all a "new agy-type-person")

 

Could I just say, with all respect, I find this little comment a little bit offensive.

Simply because one practises Buddhism and adheres to its principles, doesn't make one 'new agey' but actually, quite the opposite.

Buddhism is an older calling than Christianity, and is the only religion practised with dedication and seriousness, which has no Godhead - thus, it is one based on deep philosophical logic, not a required dependence on anything outside of one's self.

It's not new-agey and flight-of-fancy at all, but actually requires that the follower apply a great deal of concentration on their thinking, viewpoints, attitudes and responses to everything and anything. All the time. Every day.

To be brief - Buddhism is very hard work, because the Buck stops with You.

 

Edit to add:

I'm absolutely certain you did not intend, in any way to cause offence, so I'm sure the comment was innocent.

Edited September 17, 2014 by evanescentworld
adenda

[Bella2]

Could I just say, with all respect, I find this little comment a little bit offensive.

Simply because one practises Buddhism and adheres to its principles, doesn't make one 'new agey' but actually, quite the opposite.

Buddhism is an older calling than Christianity, and is the only religion practised with dedication and seriousness, which has no Godhead - thus, it is one based on deep philosophical logic, not a required dependence on anything outside of one's self.

It's not new-agey and flight-of-fancy at all, but actually requires that the follower apply a great deal of concentration on their thinking, viewpoints, attitudes and responses to everything and anything. All the time. Every day.

To be brief - Buddhism is very hard work, because the Buck stops with You.

 

Edit to add:

I'm absolutely certain you did not intend, in any way to cause offence, so I'm sure the comment was innocent.

 

I certainly did not want to offend at all But I'm trying to help others, and I know that the word "buddhism" for some people sounds "new agy" and that might "scare" them. While they should maybe "give it a try". Well, anyway, I didn't want to offend you what so ever.

 

I always really appreciate your posts.

[Bella2]

"Learn to see the world as ephemeral and temporary – the classic “this, too, shall pass” refers not only to the undesirable situations in life, but the desirable ones as well. The sooner you can understand this, the sooner you will become non-attached and happier"

 

I never thought of using "this too shall pass" for desirable moments, but it makes sense. Accept that nothing lasts....

 

(gonna work hard on this)

[evanescentworld]

"Learn to see the world as ephemeral and temporary – the classic “this, too, shall pass” refers not only to the undesirable situations in life, but the desirable ones as well. The sooner you can understand this, the sooner you will become non-attached and happier"

 

I never thought of using "this too shall pass" for desirable moments, but it makes sense. Accept that nothing lasts....

 

(gonna work hard on this)

I basically say much the same thing in my signature.

people are so intent upon looking outside of themselves, to find things that will make them happy, little realising that in fact, all they do, is to bring pleasure, and even that is tempered and curtailed by familiarity and restlessness....

 

I know it's an extremely trite thing to say, but you don't have to "work hard on this" at all.

It's merely a simple case of accepting and letting go.

As one Tibetan Lama put it - 'believe nothing, not even your own thoughts.'

That is to say, even your mind changes according to your perception and situation, so you can't even rely on your thinking to be level, unchanging, constant.... we feel one way, one day, and the next, we may feel different.... so even our state changes and transforms. Nothing stays the same, day to day, hour to hour, even.

How can we truly rely upon anything, 100%, when everything is always altering? Imperceptibly, subtly, it's always in a state of flux.

This, to many Buddhists, is also a means of explaining re-birth.

Rather than take it as something literal, physical, demonstrative, many consider that a person, upon awakening, is a new version of the one which existed yesterday.

In fact, it's quite true.

of course, day to day, we don't feel any different; but examination of our physical self will be evidence of dead cells, re-generated ones, hair fallen out, new hair grown, nails a bit longer.... we are never exactly, precisely, identically who or what we were 24 hours earlier.

 

And then, catch a glimpse of yourself 10 years ago.

Look at your passport photo. It's you, but you've probably changed since then. Or look at the family album... that's you, as a child, and unquestionably, without a shadow of a doubt, you are NOT the same person you were then. Yes, it was you - but it isn't you....

It's the same when we experience an intense relationship. And we break up.

What happened to the person who originally embarked on the relationship?

Gone.... Changed. Different. Altered.

The experience has transformed us from what we were, into what we are.

 

How we handle that transformation - how we use it, to serve us or wound us, is up to us.

we can operate form a position of learnt experience and gratitude, as the lesson has built us up - or we can wallow in depression and mournfulness, because we feel we have been deprived of something.

 

What have we been deprived of?

Another person?

They didn't belong to us, exclusively, in the first place. They were here, but a free individual with their own life, burdens, idiosyncrasies and personalities....

Love?

No, we can find love in many different places; a more sincere, embracing, comforting love - it exists within our family, our friends and we should already have it ourselves, FOR ourselves.

Companionship?

There is no shame, no inhibition to being alone. It does not de-value us, because we have been alone before....

 

So what is lacking now, specifically, that did not lack BEFORE we met our ex?

What has been taken away, tangibly?

It's hard to put your finger on what, exactly it is, that is missing.

 

And if it is so hard to truly identify - why does it ache so much?

 

Because it is self-generated.

It is perpetuated by an artificial sense of loss.

We mourn the absence of something we expected to make us happy, serene. contented, fulfilled.... little realising we already were all of those things.

 

The secret in breaking up is not the getting over it.

It's the letting go.

It's permitting the release to unbind us and liberate our hearts and minds from the self-generated prison of misery we generate.

 

Acceptance of what is, and what isn't, is the key to serenity.

[Bella2]

I understand it all. It's so true.

 

I don't know what the h*ll happened to me today, but I suddenly "got" it. I was buying a sandwich at a shop, standing in line, and suddenly realised that the only thing that really exists is the moment. I was sharing that moment with those people in the same shop, and all that mattered was that moment.

 

Last year I already did 8 sessions of mindfullness, which was very interesting. A thought is just a thought. You bring it on yourself. Let the thought go. Focus on the moment.

 

But today, for some reason, I understood. Wooow.

 

Then when I drove home from work, stuck in traffic, I thought: i really should study buddhism. It's the key I think!

[Itspointless]

Posted at the wrong place.

[Bella2]

Posted at the wrong place.

 

Not at all! What I've been writing about here, has helped me cope tremendously!!!!! Three days ago I was still feeling miserable, now I see things in a different light.

[Itspointless]

Not at all! What I've been writing about here, has helped me cope tremendously!!!!! Three days ago I was still feeling miserable, now I see things in a different light.

I had different windows open, so I posted something that wasn't meant to be posted here. But in the end it ended up at the right address. Hang on tight on that positive energy flow!

[evanescentworld]

I understand it all. It's so true.

 

I don't know what the h*ll happened to me today, but I suddenly "got" it. I was buying a sandwich at a shop, standing in line, and suddenly realised that the only thing that really exists is the moment. I was sharing that moment with those people in the same shop, and all that mattered was that moment.

 

Last year I already did 8 sessions of mindfullness, which was very interesting. A thought is just a thought. You bring it on yourself. Let the thought go. Focus on the moment.

 

But today, for some reason, I understood. Wooow.

This is known as mini-satori, or a pseudo-enlightenment... as Oprah Winfrey put it once (probably more than once, i guess!) "an 'Ahaaah!' moment.

It's actually great when you 'get it'... the big thing is remembering it....

 

 

Then when I drove home from work, stuck in traffic, I thought: i really should study buddhism. It's the key I think!

I cannot PM you, but when I get the facility implemented, (apparently, it's about a month's wait) I will happily give you references, and talk more, should you so wish. Up to you.

[Bella2]

I can't PM yet either, but yes, that would be great. You can be my "guru"

 

Trying with all my power to hold on to my new found ideas. Trying to implement the mindfullness as much as I can (as you must know, this is something we have to work at). And thinking a lot "nothing lasts".

 

It could help in crossing my ex with his new girlfriend (which is gonna happen one of these days). I will probably have a shock moment (but here I'm already doing the "selffullfilling prophecy-thing"). But I'm trying to visualize the moment, I cross them together in the street (happily holding hands, grrrr) or they're having a drink in the same place as I am. I will keep breathing, think "life has moved on", try not to let it get too much to my ego and afterwards keep trying hard to stay "mindfull".

 

Is it very childish of me to think (which is slightly comforting for me): "they won't last either"?

[evanescentworld]

I can't PM yet either, but yes, that would be great. You can be my "guru"

Oh goodness me, don't! I could never look myself in the mirror and think "I am someone's Guru".... Just a friend walking the same path as you, with the stick, the knapsack, a few sandwiches a drink and a good sturdy pair of hiking boots.... I'd rather know I was walking 'with' you than ever think I may be leading the way....! It's heartfelt generosity and kindness on your part, but just consider me an arm-in-arm fellow traveller!

 

Trying with all my power to hold on to my new found ideas. Trying to implement the mindfullness as much as I can (as you must know, this is something we have to work at). And thinking a lot "nothing lasts".

As the worn cliche states. "Trying isn't doing".

Just let things be. Accept. look at every single other human being, you come across, and ask yourself "how deep is YOUR suffering? What pain do YOU have in your life?"

Just looking at people tells you nothing, but knowing - being absolutely 100% sure that if not now, then at some point they have - or they will - known suffering and pain (be it emotional OR physical) is a great way of understanding that really, deep down, we're all the same. We all crave Appreciation, Understanding and Love.

All humans thrive on it. Every adult was once a tiny, helpless newborn baby, embraced and hugged, after being dragged violently into an existence outside the womb. We all began the same way - yet look how many diverse routes everyone took - no two lives the same!

And will any one of these humans escape death? Will you? Will I?

Not happened yet, in the entire long history of mankind.

We all go the same way, too.

See? It's the bit in the middle that is so full of lessons!

So relax, observe and know.

There is no better place than here; there is no better time than now.

"How wonderful! How wonderful it is, with things exactly as they are!"

 

 

It could help in crossing my ex with his new girlfriend (which is gonna happen one of these days). I will probably have a shock moment (but here I'm already doing the "selffullfilling prophecy-thing"). But I'm trying to visualize the moment, I cross them together in the street (happily holding hands, grrrr) or they're having a drink in the same place as I am. I will keep breathing, think "life has moved on", try not to let it get too much to my ego and afterwards keep trying hard to stay "mindfull".

Think instead, "Hah... two people engrossed in one another; so loving and attentive. Are THEY aware how fleeting and impermanent this moment is? Do they realise that this new-found love is ephemeral and intangible? Do they understand suffering? Or are they blissfully unaware, and putting all their emotions into something they believe is bringing them happiness, but is in fact, a temporary pleasure? Await the first cross word, await the first quarrel, the first not seeing eye to eye....It will come, as such things do. Suffering is universal, and they are not exempt. I wish them well. I do not have that mill-stone around my neck any more...."

 

 

Is it very childish of me to think (which is slightly comforting for me): "they won't last either"?

No...but look at it this way: Please give me an example of something that you know, and experience, which WILL last?

Anything.

Anything at all without end.....

[Bella2]

just consider me an arm-in-arm fellow traveller!

Allright, we have a deal.

 

deep down, we're all the same. We all crave Appreciation, Understanding and Love. All humans thrive on it.

 

 

Yes, yes they do. So many miserable people out there that can't do without, can't stand to be alone. And I must admit, I'm having a lot of ups and downs about this. I wanna do it by myself, i have moments feeling strong. Like yesterday! And today, a bit down in the dumps again. Yesterday I hardly wasted a moment of my time thinking about ex (and the woman), today I'm getting myself in a state again. Doesn't help that it's quiet at work. Too much time to let my mind wander off. And not enough "willpower" to stop that for the moment. Although I'm feeling a bit better than 10 minutes ago. The road of life with it's constant ups and downs.

 

 

There is no better place than here; there is no better time than now.

"How wonderful! How wonderful it is, with things exactly as they are!"

 

 

Having a hard time right now seeing how wonderful everything is...

 

 

Are THEY aware how fleeting and impermanent this moment is? Do they realise that this new-found love is ephemeral and intangible? Or are they blissfully unaware, and putting all their emotions into something they believe is bringing them happiness, but is in fact, a temporary pleasure?

 

Probably not. Or maybe she is a very spiritual person, been studying buddhism like you and is aware af all that. But I doubt it...

 

 

Please give me an example of something that you know, and experience, which WILL last?

Anything.

Anything at all without end.....

 

 

*thinking hard*

 

 

Don't know.

 

 

Yet, there are couples that stay together till "death do us part". (We have all read about some old people dying hand in hand). But I guess that the emotions and feelings during their time together always evolved, changed... Which would mean that it's not 1 experience? Or is it?

 

 

Feeling quite clueless.

[CT98]

Hi everyone,

 

BU almost a month now. He left, I felt shattered and rejected and lonely and all that. We are or all have been there. It also seems I have already been "replaced".

 

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soulsearching and I think I'm too clingy in relationships (not exagerated, but in little things). I need to know I'm loved, feel insecure if I'm not sure about it, scared of losing it, scared of being alone etc etc. I adapt myself in ways to the other to be loved. Which in the end, yes, does not work.

 

I've been reading A LOT these last days. I'm really starting to understand things for the first time in my life. For the moment I'm reading a very interesting book, that explains why we humans are so in need of love and appreciation. How we attach ourselves to another person, and how - when we lose the attachment - are devestated. We lose ourselves in relationships, expect unrealistic things, lose our individuality, our "core"... It's based on buddhism and really, it has helped a lot! (and for your information - I'm not at all a "new agy-type-person")

 

 

"Suffering has a cause. The cause is our attachment to the familiar, the known"

 

"The cause of suffering can be ended by releasing expectations and attachments. We can still have meaningful relationships but without that needy clingy attachment based of fear of loss and fear of being alone and seperate"

 

Sorry, the book I'm reading is not available in English. But you should have a look online. "Buddhism and love" or "Buddhism and broken heart".

 

 

 

 

Are you actually too clingy though? From my experience it's very easy in the throws of heartbreak to say you're too this, too that, should've done this, should've done that. But at the end of that day, that is you, and that's who you are deep down.

 

Just know that someone one day will love everything about you, quirks and all, and that's when you know you've met the right person.

 

Then again, maybe I'm wrong, I'm only young after all..

[Bella2]

He loved me for my quirks, my fun side, my (usually) positive look on life. He was completely in love with me. 90% of the time we were great together. One time I made a scene about something, based on insecurity/clinginess. That was the beginning of the end.

[evanescentworld]

Allright, we have a deal.

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes they do. So many miserable people out there that can't do without, can't stand to be alone. And I must admit, I'm having a lot of ups and downs about this. I wanna do it by myself, i have moments feeling strong. Like yesterday! And today, a bit down in the dumps again. Yesterday I hardly wasted a moment of my time thinking about ex (and the woman), today I'm getting myself in a state again. Doesn't help that it's quiet at work. Too much time to let my mind wander off. And not enough "willpower" to stop that for the moment. Although I'm feeling a bit better than 10 minutes ago. The road of life with it's constant ups and downs.

rebirth, rebirth, rebirth! Sucks, don't it?

 

This is why, according to many Buddhists, your moment of transition - from Life, to Death and then re-birth - is the most vital and important instant of your life - because your Mind-State at that moment, may well determine what kind of life you will re-emerge into.. and if your thoughts are angst-ridden and troubled, imagine what you will be reborn into.... but if your thoughts are loving, calm and serene, imagine what you will be reborn into....

 

This is of course, subject to conjecture. There is no hard concrete proof of rebirth. but if it was so....

 

as the Dalai Lama once said:

"If you want to know what you were, look at your life now.

If you want to know what you will be, look at your Mind, now."

 

Having a hard time right now seeing how wonderful everything is...

Then have an easy time seeing how wonderful YOU are....

 

 

Probably not. Or maybe she is a very spiritual person, been studying buddhism like you and is aware af all that. But I doubt it...

I doubt she's Buddhist. Buddhism is very 'new-agey'....

 

 

*thinking hard*

 

 

Don't know.

 

 

Yet, there are couples that stay together till "death do us part". (We have all read about some old people dying hand in hand).

Yes, but look: it still ends, doesn't it?

 

But I guess that the emotions and feelings during their time together always evolved, changed... Which would mean that it's not 1 experience? Or is it?

No. It's millions of little mini-experiences all rolled into one.

Like Life. A series of 'nows' all strung together....

 

 

Feeling quite clueless

Good!! Something's working then! It's making you think!!

Edited September 18, 2014 by evanescentworld

[Bella2]

rebirth, rebirth, rebirth! Sucks, don't it?

 

Yes, it sucks big time. And rebirth, that means then dying-rebirthing, or does it mean the-moment-thing? I mean, that every moment we are reborn or something like that??

 

 

Then have an easy time seeing how wonderful YOU are....

Having a very hard time with that right now too...

 

 

I doubt she's Buddhist. Buddhism is very 'new-agey'....

His new girlfriends looks like a "hip and happening" and fashionable girl, and seeing that "new age" is very "fashionable", well, who knows, she just might be into buddhism

 

 

Good!! Something's working then! It's making you think!!

 

I guess, although I'm fed up thinking for the moment and want to sleep for 3 months straight.

 

Thanks for your replies!!!

[Bella2]

This is known as mini-satori, or a pseudo-enlightenment... as Oprah Winfrey put it once (probably more than once, i guess!) "an 'Ahaaah!' moment.

It's actually great when you 'get it'... the big thing is remembering it....

 

It certainly just was an Ahaaa-moment....

[Brooke02]

Are you actually too clingy though? From my experience it's very easy in the throws of heartbreak to say you're too this, too that, should've done this, should've done that. But at the end of that day, that is you, and that's who you are deep down.

 

Just know that someone one day will love everything about you, quirks and all, and that's when you know you've met the right person.

 

Then again, maybe I'm wrong, I'm only young after all..

 

I agree. If your with the right person (my opinion) you wouldn't feel as insecure either.

[Bella2]

I agree. If your with the right person (my opinion) you wouldn't feel as insecure either.

 

That is true. I'm not always clingy in relationships. But with my last ex I was, and it shows that I was not feeling so comfortable in the relationship....