Just My Imagination?

[lakerman34]

So, I think I have an interesting story.

 

I moved to New Orleans at the end of June. QUICKLY fell for a girl that works for the same company as me, though different location within the city, and lives next door in the same duplex. I live with 2 guys, she lives with 2 girls, all same company.

 

She is bipolar and has extreme anxiety. She plans on joining Peace Corps, which would take her out of the country for 2.5 years after her year service in New Orleans.

 

We break up twice because, basically, her bipolar disorder acted up. This last time (third time), we went 50 days strong, but it got a LITTLE stale at the end.

 

She dumped me because she "wasn't feeling romantically compatible" anymore, but she felt physically compatible. I asked her if she wanted a physical relationship, she said those never work. I asked her what she wanted. She said, "I want to be friends minus the romantic stuff."

 

We cry in my room for about 2 hours. Absolutely ball our eyes out. She told me she'd give me time and space, and that she won't contact me. She'll wait for me to initiate contact. This was Saturday evening.

 

Sunday and Monday I've been INCREDIBLY productive. Got SO much done. During breakup, girl says that we can't (and won't) be getting back together. Already, she has text messaged me twice. First time saying if I ever needed to talk to anybody, she'd be there for me. Second time saying "I hope you had a good Monday, and I hope we talk soon."

 

Honestly, I REALLY REALLY liked her, but seeing her during the week was kind of a chore. Weekends were really fun though. She REALLY liked the sex, I liked how she was so open in bed. But as much as I liked the sex (which, overall, the sex itself wasn't much more as a getting off opportunity for me, sometimes it was a chore as well, especially when drunk or tired from a LONG week at work), I REALLY liked just going out with her and being romantic with her at dinners, or beer tastings, or at the park. I didn't NEED all the touching, I just liked her presence.

 

She claimed that she doesn't hold me in positive regard. She says I treat her so well, but if someone asked what she liked about me, she'd have not much to say. Because this bothered her immensely, she broke it off.

 

My friends at home (Pennsylvania) are making jokes. "I give her two weeks before she comes crawling back." "I give her a week." "One month."

 

Part of me wants to try single in this city. Part of me likes that I'm getting A LOOOOOOOTTTTTTT more done. The other part of me misses her. I don't really want her to ask for me back because then I'd be faced with the decision.

 

Most people said I should drop her like a bad sack of potatoes. Some claim that I got into her because of the comfort of her living next door. However, I can honestly tell you that I was comfortable sharing things about myself to her that I haven't shared with ANYONE before, and there were many times I was THIS close to saying "I l*** you" to her. I told her this, and she told me she was so close too, but never knew how I'd react, so she refrained.

 

It also frightened her because she was considering living in New Orleans an extra year because of me (though she never admitted the reason why she was considering working for the company another year until DURING breakup.....though I sort of already intuited that much).

 

Another thing she disliked was that I wasn't the biggest fan of her fans. She was right, I am not, BUT I tolerated them. That wasn't enough for her. In her eyes, her friends HAD to be my friends.

 

Pretty much reason never worked with this girl.

 

Advice? Is there any other information that'd be helpful to give advice?

Edited September 16, 2014 by lakerman34

[Justaguy30]

After being with someone who is emotionally unstable I can offer you this advice. Stay away because its very hard to maintain a real relationship with someone who can't handle their own feelings. What she did was try to protect you from getting hurt by her. Believe her and move on, she cares about you as a person which is why she is checking up on you. She probably wants to be with you but she knows she can't be the person you need in your life. Just let it be, be nice to her and maybe after a while you guys can actually be friends. Unfortunately people that are BP and have horrible anxiety are very hard to be in a relationship with. I have loved two people with the same issues and its very difficult because we can't understand what they are going through mentally. Best of luck and I hope you find your answers.

[Justaguy30]

As for the friends thing, you can judge someone by who they are by the company they keep. If a woman has a bunch of friends that are kind of players and cheaters you can bet your bottom dollar she is too. Its a good way to look at who someone is really. You are looking at what they want in their life by looking at the people they surround themselves with. If you don't like her friends then your probably don't really really like her.

[Mr Scorpio]

Strike one = she has a diagnosed mental disorder

Strike two = she plans to leave the country

Strike three = she lives right next door AND you work with her

[Downtown]

Advice? Is there any other information that'd be helpful to give advice?

Lakerman, I agree with JustAGuy that you should stay away from this unstable woman, who has walked away from you 3 times in only a few months. Yet, because you seem tempted to reconcile with her, I suggest you protect yourself by learning to spot the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I say this because a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also had co-occurring, full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

An easy place to start reading is my description of differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If many of the BPD traits sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Finally, if most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread.

[lakerman34]

Lakerman, I agree with JustAGuy that you should stay away from this unstable woman, who has walked away from you 3 times in only a few months. Yet, because you seem tempted to reconcile with her, I suggest you protect yourself by learning to spot the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I say this because a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also had co-occurring, full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

An easy place to start reading is my description of differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If many of the BPD traits sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Finally, if most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread.

 

Wow. So....she can be both bipolar AND BPD? A lot of those were spot on. Right before going to bed, she can be in the BEST of moods and AS SOON as she gets tired, gets INCREDIBLY cranky. It feels as if it's in the matter of 10 seconds. She usually apologizes the next morning.

 

The stupid arguments is another thing.

 

She doesn't hold me in positive regard. She even thought, initially (during first breakup) that I was intentionally emotionally manipulating her "just for fun."

 

"Good" weekends can last a LONG time. We can spend an AWESOME weekend together without a single hiccup.

 

Thing is, I know everyone says "run away," but I think I could eventually be in love with this girl. It's going to be a struggle to make it work, and I'd have to have reassurances that she wouldn't toss me out whimsically, BUT I'd like to personally evaluate (which I have been doing) if she is worth going through the trouble for.

 

I'm leaning either direction, depending on what's on my mind.

 

#18 in BPD warning signs SCARES ME how true it is. Whoa.

Edited September 17, 2014 by lakerman34

[2sunny]

Don't pursue it.

 

It could be a lifetime of hell with her moods and behavior.

[lakerman34]

Lakerman, I agree with JustAGuy that you should stay away from this unstable woman, who has walked away from you 3 times in only a few months. Yet, because you seem tempted to reconcile with her, I suggest you protect yourself by learning to spot the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I say this because a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 36% of the bipolar-1 sufferers also had co-occurring, full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

An easy place to start reading is my description of differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If many of the BPD traits sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Finally, if most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread.

 

And by #18 I meant #12. She tells me about her abusive boyfriends all the time.

 

Her highs are REALLLLLLLLYYYYYY great. Her lows aren't even that bad, but I ALWAYS feel as if her dumping me is WAY premature and unjustifiable.

 

She has also told me that I'm the only one that knows how to talk to her during episodes.

Your list is scary how accurate it is.

[lakerman34]

She's bisexual.

 

Instead of joining the rest of the company at one of our friend's houses for a night of partying and getting ridiculously drunk tomorrow, she's going with another girl in the program (also bisexual, but they are just friends, work together so nothing more) to a gay bar.

 

Two bisexual girls at a gay bar? Is my knee-jerk reaction that they are looking for some fun involving other ladies correct and that this is a final message of "you REALLY need to move on?"

 

Ugh.

 

First few days, I was doing great. Day 5 has been the roughest.

[lakerman34]

As for the friends thing, you can judge someone by who they are by the company they keep. If a woman has a bunch of friends that are kind of players and cheaters you can bet your bottom dollar she is too. Its a good way to look at who someone is really. You are looking at what they want in their life by looking at the people they surround themselves with. If you don't like her friends then your probably don't really really like her.

 

Thank you for your advice. ALL great.

 

I've dated girls with sucky friends, and you're absolutely right.

 

This girl, however, has rock solid, amazing friends. REALLY good people. All in social work/teaching. Just a solid group. HOWEVER, I was the one that she came to when something arose.

 

Feeling weird tonight. Don't know what to do about it. Worry I'll wake up and feel ****ty tomorrow.

[NopeNah]

Thank you for your advice. ALL great.

 

I've dated girls with sucky friends, and you're absolutely right.

 

This girl, however, has rock solid, amazing friends. REALLY good people. All in social work/teaching. Just a solid group. HOWEVER, I was the one that she came to when something arose.

 

Feeling weird tonight. Don't know what to do about it. Worry I'll wake up and feel ****ty tomorrow.

 

Uhmmmm... How long were you guys intimate?

[lakerman34]

Uhmmmm... How long were you guys intimate?

 

Entire length of the relationship.

 

We even had a quickie morning of breakup.

[lakerman34]

So....turns out (at least, I'm pretty sure) all of this was due to a manic episode.

 

I told her (we were on talking terms for, roughly, a couple of hours) that I think she should consider rushing to the Peace Corps and waiting another year.

 

I apologized for saying this the very next day. She went manic, called off work the next day, told me that she can't talk to me, look at me, doesn't want me anywhere near her, can't talk to her friends, yadda yadda, and she even stayed at another friend's house.

 

VERY dramatic. So dramatic that upper management had to get involved.

 

It has cooled down a LITTLE bit (I told her the Peace Corps thing on Saturday, took it back on Sunday), and management was going to talk about our relationship, but my mentors told me that her mentors, surprisingly, never brought it up (even though it was her mentors that brought it up to upper management).

 

I was in a group text she sent last night to our housemates regarding have a "girls' side vs. boys' side" dish cleaning challenge (she and I have spoken in the past how we are upset that our roommates don't do their dishes), but I just deleted the text and moved on with my life.

 

She has the laundry machine in her side of the house. She wanted me to ask my roommates to do my laundry so I didn't go into her house, I said no, so I said that I'd text her roommate when I needed to do laundry so that she could go out of the way. After waiting 3 days, I did exactly that, and she was sitting RIGHT THERE. It is her house, but I don't know. Very weird.

 

One of my roommates who works at the same school as her says that he highly doubts that she's on talking terms yet.

 

VERY dramatic, much ado about nothing, but there is still a SLIVER in me that still likes her. Mostly, I'm over her, but the idea of her sleeping with another guy (most likely won't happen, not that kind of girl) still irks me.

 

Personally, I'm not really looking to get laid (even though doing so may be the little edge I need to get over her completely), BUT I'm deleting and putting up a new OKC account to test the waters (hey, I'm in a new city, first time single in a new city).

[Downtown]

All of this was due to a manic episode.

Perhaps so, Lakerman. Anything is possible. That seems very unlikely, however. The manic phase of bipolar is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry that typically take two weeks to develop. You therefore can usually see it coming. Moreover, it typically occurs only once or twice a year in a bipolar-1 sufferer. "Rapid cycling" is four times a year. Granted, ultra-rapid cycling is a possibility but it is very uncommon and, when it does occur, it usually happens just before the person slips into psychosis.

 

In contrast, you are describing a temper tantrum that flared up in ten seconds (triggered by your Peace Corps comment), not two weeks. Moreover, you are describing strong mood changes that have occurred often, not just once or twice a year. Hence, you seem to be describing the event-triggered temper tantrums that are a hallmark of someone exhibiting strong BPD traits. As I noted earlier, 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have comorbid full-blown BPD.

[lakerman34]

After two weeks of not talking, she broke the silence.

 

One of my roommates and I had 2 lady friends over. Just friends. It was a great time. They stayed til midnight, went home, and my roommate and I hung out outside for an hour.

 

I went to check my phone, and she texted me. She has extreme anxiety, and she asked for me on the porch. She looked very fragile, very timid, very nervous to see me. All she asked was if she had to worry about people viewing her negatively. My feelings-oriented side wanted to hug her, saying everything was going to be alright, and that she need not worry about a thing. My rational side realizes that I can never be that for her again.

 

I told her "you'll be fine." That's all she needed to hear. She went inside, I went inside. She started texting me some more, recounting her week and why she did what she did. I told her how she made me feel. She apologized.

 

Then, she said that we can only be friendly acquaintances. It's a health reason. She said that she just doesn't agree with how I am in a lot of ways, and knows I don't agree with how she is. She says that she gets anxious around me, and for her own health, civility is all she wants/needs from me.

 

I asked her if we can have a growth mindset and work towards becoming friends down the line (a few months from now). She said all she can be with me is acquaintances because anything else, for her, is unhealthy.

 

I feel like poop right now.

[Strength in Healing]

This whack job is cancer. Do yourself a favor and get some chemo.

 

Hope analogies aren't lost on you.

 

I was with a bipolar Bpd for four years. You are trapped in wanting her back but you never had her and never will. What you think you love is a mirage. Better get some glasses

[lakerman34]

This whack job is cancer. Do yourself a favor and get some chemo.

 

Hope analogies aren't lost on you.

 

I was with a bipolar Bpd for four years. You are trapped in wanting her back but you never had her and never will. What you think you love is a mirage. Better get some glasses

 

1) Repping PA. I'm from Allentown. Sick.

2) I get your analogies. IDK, like, I get all of that, but she is genuinely a REALLY, REALLY good person, BUT for my well-being, yes, she is cancer, and I do think the "chemo" I need is another vagina.

 

It's hard b/c of our living situation though.

 

I've read somewhere that the only people that can really date bipolar people are other bipolar people or people that love drama/are OK with instability. I feel for her as a person, but it has been too many headaches. I wish there was a way to just be 100% over her to the point that I don't care anymore, but it's a little rough b/c I've got way too soft a heart.

[Strength in Healing]

Allentown? Cool, cool. I'm from Pittsburgh.

 

 

I need is another vagina.

 

No. Beat this dumb ass mentality out of your own head. This is so foolish I can't even...

 

 

I wish there was a way to just be 100% over her to the point that I don't care anymore, but it's a little rough b/c I've got way too soft a heart.

 

It's good to have a soft heart. So stop playing that "I need to sleep with another girl" bs.

 

You need to face the pain, and accept you don't know her - realistically, most of what she has ever told you was BS. BPD's say very intense things that get you hooked (or make you run), but they don't mean it deep down, nor do I think they truly even understand it. Whatever girl you think you know and have known, you don't. I know you REALLY REALLY believe she cared about you. No, really, I know you truly, totally believe she did.

 

But she didn't. Not nearly like you think, and certainly not in ANY healthy or productive or meaningful capacity.

 

You know how to get over her?

 

Acceptance + time. That's the equation.

Edited September 29, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[lakerman34]

Allentown? Cool, cool. I'm from Pittsburgh.

 

 

 

 

No. Beat this dumb ass mentality out of your own head. This is so foolish I can't even...

 

 

 

 

It's good to have a soft heart. So stop playing that "I need to sleep with another girl" bs.

 

You need to face the pain, and accept you don't know her - realistically, most of what she has ever told you was BS. BPD's say very intense things that get you hooked (or make you run), but they don't mean it deep down, nor do I think they truly even understand it. Whatever girl you think you know and have known, you don't. I know you REALLY REALLY believe she cared about you. No, really, I know you truly, totally believe she did.

 

But she didn't. Not nearly like you think, and certainly not in ANY healthy or productive or meaningful capacity.

 

You know how to get over her?

 

Acceptance + time. That's the equation.

 

I texted her telling her I'm not ready to be "acquaintances" and need a lot of space. She replied, "Note taken."

 

I don't know if she was BPD, but she's definitely bipolar.

 

Also, tonight was hard b/c I found out she was going out with some guy she met on Tinder to "get a slice of pizza," but he postponed on her. Her roommate (who is a friend of mine, about equal friends with her, wouldn't repeat anything to her) told me that it "wasn't a date" but a "hang out," but I wasn't satisfied by that.

 

I proofed my Facebook of her AND her friends, even mutual ones. If she still comes up after a week, I'm going to block her completely (not a gesture I want to do right now b/c she lives right next door and I don't want to deal with more drama).

 

I emailed my mentor about free counseling that AmeriCorps offers. I need it.