After 3 & a half years, I am nowhere.

[Unhyper]

I realize it's not the most interesting thing in the world to read a wall-o-text about someone else's life, but before I ask your advice I feel I should put it in the right context.

 

I'm European originally but met and fell in love with a girl from the States, so I married her and moved there. It was my first (and thus far only) relationship, and I was very committed to the marriage. I am a deep-feeling person in general and tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and since I am Bipolar (type 2) there has never been a short supply of them.

 

The first half of our marriage was relatively smooth sailing, aside from trying to adapt to an American way of life (small differences, really). The second half had problems, such as her EA with a co-worker (which to this day I am not 100% sure stayed non-PA), and we grew apart some when I went to uni and she got a new job and made a lot of friends (didn't have many before) and started going out a lot.

 

Anyway, about 4 years ago I was having a hard time dealing with my Bipolar without medication (we didn't have insurance and she wasn't wild about me seeing psychiatrists anyway, what with her being Christian Scientist and didn't think they were much use beyond waste of money). She wasn't happy and, most importantly, did not see me as someone stable enough to be able to have children with someday. She's someone who needs a detailed plan for her life, which I don't fault her for, but that's never been really my style, good or bad.

 

I was seeing a community health clinic psychiatrist who wrote prescriptions for psychoactive drugs so that they always ran out on the day of the next appointment, so for about one month at a time. I'd started a new drug (Lithium iirc) on the last visit, and had had to reschedule the next so I had run out of medication entirely, with the exception of some old Xanax a GP had prescribed for me for anxiety attacks.

 

One night my wife told me she wanted a divorce, which I didn't react to well. I clammed up, shut everything out. She went to bed. I drove around and eventually sat in the car at a pet store lot and swallowed all the Xanax I had. I didn't want to die, as such, I just couldn't be inside that mind anymore. I remember a cop car and an ambulance. I woke up two days later in a psych ward. I was there for a bit over a week, during which time I had no visitors. My wife sent the divorce papers to the ward and I signed them there. They granted her all the property we had, such as it was, including the cars. I had no objection; I was in a psych ward and as far as I could see, my life was over in every practical way.

 

Upon my release from the ward the nurse said "not to go home", so once they dropped me off at the same pet store lot I'd o/d'd at, I called my future ex and asked her to bring the keys to (still) my car so I could go find a place to stay. I stayed at a shelter for the week they allowed people to stay there, then a few nights I slept in my car.

 

It was around this time that my brother emailed me from Europe and said I should come stay there (here) for a while. I knew I wasn't coming back. Once my then-wife learned I was going to Europe she said I could sleep at the house until my departure some days later. I packed what I could fit in one suitcase and one backpack and flew to Europe later that week.

 

I stayed a couple of weeks at my brother's until I managed to find a flat to rent. I was in a bad place for a while. I worked part-time driving a van for his business for a year or so. Then I began seeing a therapist; I've been in that therapy for about a year and a half now. I still can't work full-time, I do some work for my brother's business and my dad's, but it's stuff I can and do do from home. I have two cats who bring some joy into my life, but beyond that have no local friends or much going on. I am 37 now and don't feel like I have accomplished anything in my life and am not sure I will. The thought of another relationship seems ludicrous.

 

What troubles me, and why I am here tonight, is that I feel like I have not moved on at all. It's been 3 and a half years, and I have not cried, not once, since that night when my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce. You should've heard the gasp that came out of my therapist when I mentioned that. She had no comment about it, however, her style is more "forget the past, you can't change it, focus on the future". I feel completely locked inside my head and out of my life outside of it. I think about my ex almost daily, and dream about her at night, but keep no contact whatsoever. I am not on any drugs currently for my Bipolar, I was on some two years ago but they made it difficult to read books, so I gave them up.

 

We were married for close to 8 years. I am sure each divorce is unique and each person copes differently, but I envy those who can unlock themselves to the extent that they can cry over their loss. I don't know whether this is something that's perfectly natural and just my way of dealing, or something that needs to be dealt with before I am on a gurney somewhere again. It's been 3 and a half years and I still feel like I just moved back here yesterday.

 

Thank you for your time.

[54JA]

I hate the health insurance system here. Even though it is nationalized now, it is still very expensive, and the quality of care varies greatly based on the plan you purchase. It's very upsetting to hear that you were not able to get the care you needed while you were here.

 

I am also in my mid-30s and often think about what I have accomplished. I am still going to school. I see a lot of younger people with better career than mine. When I think about this, and the fact that I am not married/don't have children, I feel like a failure sometimes.

 

I am so sorry that you are still in pain. I have never been married, so I don't know what it's like to be in your position. I have, though, gone through a break up before and can imagine the pain. Hang in there.

[Arient]

Hi there, I'm sorry that you have had to go through so many things I don't really know if I can help you much with my words, but at least I hope they can send you some encouragement. I just tried to imagine what I would do in your case, and with my limited pool of living knowledge, I think you're feeling stuck with not just the past, but also with your current life. I experienced the same thing for just a past few months and also now, still stuck. But I think 'unstuck' or 'get over someone' are not moods or feelings or statuses, they should be considered actions. Just do something, do anything, list out new things you want to do, and just do it. Do something you like, and if you find no interests in everything, just try doing something is fine, maybe you will like it, maybe not, but at least doing it bring something to your life. Changes don't just happen, we have to make them. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes, I just stop thinking and do it instead. Like Forrest Gump, just stood up one day and ran, ran, ran. Don't think too much about accomplishments or things you haven't managed to achieve. Just focus on the core things, what do you want now, what do you want to do with your life, are you happy with what you have/do now. Life sometimes is very simple, you are happy, good, keep it going; you are not happy, change something in your life. Make a list of activities you think you should/want to try, and gradually do them Seeing, or making friends (online is great too) with new people are quite nice too. Hope it helps you, if it doesn't, then a warm hug of encouragement for you!

[maturityassets]

I have strong empathy with those with psychological conditions, i suffer from depression and GAD. It's not easy when we aren't understood and people leave but it's also impossible to blame anyone. Health care in America is difficult and it usually exposes the illunderstanding lots of Americans have on the topic of psychological illnesses'.

 

But more to the point to move on, i think it's key as others have stated is to do new things. You must change the the context of your environment in different ways that provoke you to go out into world. My best friend has bi-polar disorder and so i understand that his moods are even more extreme than my own, but i hear mindful cognitive therapy suggests that to keep stable moods we have to stop believing we are our thoughts. Just because you think you are stuck it doesn't mean you really are stuck. Being stuck is you having no options and so it's not a feeling. Maybe you associate the thought of being stuck with the feeling of something else (in my case it would be some kind of anxiety or inadequacy). Do things that would contradict the idea of being stuck or not moving on and then be mindful of how you feel when doing such activities. It may not be that you are stuck but just accusing yourself of something inherently wrong with you that cost you your marriage. Hope i helped! Best of luck!

Edited August 21, 2014 by maturityassets

[Black Knight]

So, unhyper let us deal with what I hear as the main issue and we will deal walk through the other one's accordingly. Is it how you reacted with no emotion and shut down and held it in? What were you feeling the night you overdosed? Were you feeling angry,rejected, hurt, unloved, unwanted? I think the main issue might be not confronting your true feelings from that traumatic experience. These are five stages that a person deals with when it comes to a traumatic loss in a life.

 

Denial

Anger

Reasoning

Depression

Acceptance

So, my question is have you gone through all of these stages from your divorce? I don't think that you have and the reason why I say this is because you said yourself, you never reacted. Did you ever tell your wife how you felt from her decision? I know your psychiatrist may have told you to deal with the future and forget the past but I would contradict that by telling you until you heal from your past you will have a marred future. In order for you to heal and move forward and beyond the place you are at now and you have to take the first step of moving through the range of emotions. The reason I tell you this is because I have been in you shoes and have experienced a divorce, so, what I am saying is by experience. Get on the road to recovery, it doesn't matter how long it takes you because everyone's journey to healing is different. You can do it! I hope this will help you and I will keep you in my prayers. This is your boy Black Knight signing off. Check out my blog and leave comment at My blog.

[Sugarkane]

Sorry for your loss. Getting divorce papers in a psych ward sounds very harsh. I hate it when people don't communicate before ending a relationship/ friendship. Annoys me. I can't blame you at all for going back to Europe, I think I would've done the same! If this happened to me I'd hope I'd actually get some communication and closure from the person. It's depressing to marry someone and still get no closure.

[Sugarkane]

I Also can't stand how expensive it is to see a therapist.

[Justaguy30]

Sorry you are having such a tough time. I lost my ex 7 months ago and still miss her very much. I have not been able to function very well since we split. I think about her sometimes all day which she thinks is just crazy but I loved her more than anything and just miss her. I get drunk and send mean messages sometimes. I don't have any great advice only that someday it will get better. Maybe a few more years but you just have to find things that make you happy. I know how hard that is believe me! I am still just miserable.

[I am Bud]

Dear Unhyper

 

You have accomplished plenty in your life and let me explain to you why. Firstly you met and fell in love with a girl and got married, secondly you gave up your life in Europe to move to a brand new life in the United States, thirdly you continued to battle bipolar to the best of your ability, fourthly you survived a dangerous overdose of Xanax and recovered in a hospital, fifthly you saw that your ex wanted a divorce and you gave it to her without any hassle or trouble on your part. Sixthly you relocated back to your Europe whereby you got help from your family to get back on track.

 

You my fine fellow are the living embodiment of success simply because of the sheer number of challenges and obstacles that you have encountered in your life and that you had to overcome in order to be here with us today. Sure your marriage did not work out but that was a factor beyond your control because you did everything that you could from your end. Do not measure your success on the perception of having a lot of material possession or having a failed marriage under your belt. Life is much more than having a collection of happy experiences/emotions that material possessions and having a loving partner will give you. Life is about how you handle the challenges and obstacles that you face on a daily basis and how you respond to them with or without a partner. You sound like a smart and decent fellow. Keep a look out for the next chapter of your life because it will be there for the taking if you search for it.

 

All the best - Bud.

[Itspointless]

I do not know if this is also the case with you, but when my mother died due to a very destructive muscle-disease - I was 19 - it was just too much for me. This resulted in at first being very emotional to not feeling anything at all. I felt so empty within and depressed the years after.

 

Sometimes our mind puts up barriers so that we can survive. It does not mean that you are not grieving, but it happens more at an unconscious level or indirect: sad things on television for example. It is important to try to get back in touch with that compartmentalized part, but that is not easy. Sometimes new experiences can touch the old trauma and bring feelings back to you. In the meantime try to work on yourself as your therapist says. You sound like a strong and good guy. I am sure it will be better for you in the future.