Mary Oak Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Long story, super short. Was with ex-gf for over seven years. She broke up with me two years ago. Said I was not fulfilling what she needed emotionally, and had anger issues. All true. Since, I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I am on meds that help, but feel a bitg disconnected with things at times. Still in weekly therapy. Have made a lot of self progree, especially with the anger issues. Still think of ex A LOT! Doesn't help that we work together, but mostly avoid each other. She has moved on (with my ex-friend, isn't that how it always goes?) We have never been NC more than 2 months. This time is has been 3 weeks. She reached out a couple of times via email last week, but said virtually nothing. So, that is the situation as it stands. I still love her very much, and I think I would entertain taking her back. After all, I believe I was more than 50 % the reason we broke up. I don't think she is coming back. Zero hope. This time with NC, it feels different. I don't feel like I need to contact her, I have nothing to say. I guess it just sucks because I still love her and I feel like this will hang over my head/heart forever. I don't see my feelings changing. I can see in the future where my situation in life may change, but not my feelings for her. And honestly, I am so entirely bored with myself about it. I am TIRED of thinking about her...so I really push the thoughts away... and while that works... they are still there... not going anywhere... I feel stronger emotionally, until someone says her name, or I see her in the hallway, or something... I guess my question is...how to I REALLY get over her? I am over thinking about her, it is really quite annoying. I don't try to guess what she is feeling etc, anymore. So, that is nice. Will I live with this love feeling over my head forever? Am I scared to not feel it? It's just so odd. I have dated one girl, which I really did like. SHe felt I wasn't over my ex and broke up with me. Don't blame her. We are still good friends and spend a lot of time together...but I bascially screwed up what could have been a good relationship because of my past... Just over it, and over how I could still allow her to control any part of my life from such a distance... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 oh yeah, and since my ex contacted me last week, I have asked her not to again.. i doubt she will.. she is a really person, and wouldn't want to hurt me on purpose... I am sure she just thinks I am over it, as I should be after two years! I think she has been trying to test the friendship waters, even though I have told her many times, that will not be in our future. Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishMan Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 As you have not really gone without no contact whatsoever, you haven't given yourself the opportunity to forget about her. You said you don't try to guess what she is feeling anymore, that is progress! Getting over someone can take a long time and is incremental. Any contact or sight of her will set things back. I would say time is really the only healer! Hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Oh my god, I freaking hate this. Just got a work related email for her. Should mean nothing. Well, it does mean nothing but it still hurts me. That makes no sense at all to me. I go along about my day, nose to the grindstone. Get my work done, take care if my responsibilities and keep moving forward. Not happy but figure that has to come at some point. I do not understand why a simple work email bothers me at all. Sucks Going on all inclusive vacation in a week... I hope I come back with a new perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 (edited) Everyone has someone from their past that can make their heart drop into their stomach from time to time and that's a pretty normal part of human bonding and losing a relationship. If you've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, it's more than likely you're ruminating (obsessive thought). First the anxiety hits, then your brain starts looking for a reason for the flood of neurotransmitters and she's at the top of the list of things to obsess or worry about. The real answer (besides talk therapy, meds, etc) is learning to control your thought patterns. There's the so called "meditator's paradox" where humans have a hard time trying to think about not thinking. For me, the answer is to allow my thoughts to flow without giving significance to the hurtful ones. I'm not saying it always works, but that's why they invented benzodiazapines, lol. Get your mental health in check, quit obsessing about stuff you can't change because one day you're going to find the right person and you don't want to be a mess. You don't want to the past and your anxiety issues on them. And yeah, NC at least for a while. Edited July 22, 2014 by HereNorThere Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I think it's time for a new job buddy. This constant contact and seeing her is seriously hindering your progress. It's clear that even it is just a work relationship it's too much for you to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 TrueGent, I am not ready to leave my job. Have been at work for 9 years, and it is a good job. I can't let it come to that. Herenorthere. You are absolutely right. I do ruminate. My therapist and I work with CBT, and while it works well at moments, most times, I can't stop my thoughts. ANd when the negative ones come, I dwell. On thing that I dwell on a lot is the fact that I have not moved on. I have never been this way, and have had several long term breakups. It doesn't make sense to me that I can't get over this. I feel I am getting better for sure, but these feelings of loss should definitely moved on by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 93 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Oh my god, I freaking hate this. Just got a work related email for her. Should mean nothing. Well, it does mean nothing but it still hurts me. That makes no sense at all to me. I go along about my day, nose to the grindstone. Get my work done, take care if my responsibilities and keep moving forward. Not happy but figure that has to come at some point. I do not understand why a simple work email bothers me at all. Sucks Going on all inclusive vacation in a week... I hope I come back with a new perspective. I totally understand you here Oak I have the exact same feelings as I work with my ex. about an hour ago I had to speak to the accounts department, even though it was her colleague I heard her voice in the background and that stung me a little. I don't think there is any way to get away from this to be honest. You just have to kind of ride it out. I feel a bit better knowing I can have a conversation with a member of her team and help them with something and not feel scared. Whereas just after the break up I would be reluctant to take any calls from that office. Weird I know. I will be following this thread to see if anyone else has suggestions to help combat this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Michael, I hate hearing her voice in the hallway. I always think... this is the woman I planned on being with forever, now she is literally a stranger....that hurts. I do think if we did not work together, I would be further along. It did takes us a long time to get our financial stuff seperated, (about a year) so there was a lot of contact then. ANd I mean hard contact for me, lots of tears. Then this year, I did the taxes..more contact. We haven't had complete NC much at all. I know this is probably another reason for my slow detachment. Some of the contact was necessary, some was not. I am on three weeks no contact right now... but it all seems irrelevant to some point, as I don't think I will ever get "over" this. I think I may move through it, but it will always be hanging over my head to some degree. The whole situation just sucks. I hate coming to work because she is here, but I like coming because it keeps my mind busy most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 93 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 One thing I can say is that after a certain period of NC you will start to improve. The best thing that I did for myself was say you know what I'm going to show her exactly what she is missing out on! I know that the relationship that we had was incredibly intense and joyful for majority of it. at the moment I find it difficult to believe I will love anyone in quite the same way I did her. That being said, I know the way she felt about me was very different for her and she hadn't quite fell in love the same way with anyone else. Well at least not that I know of. she always made a point of saying I cant quite believe how in love with you I am, How this whole thing come about and how special it has all been, there were a lot of "first time" things with us and looking back when she used to say I have never felt this way before I would like to think that I believe her. Thats something I know she will never forget. The way I acted after the relationship ended was ridiculous and I can see now just how badly this has affected me and damaged any chance I had again in both her eyes as well as others. But at least now I will be better equipped for the future. I didn't help with the deterioration of the relationship there were a lot of things I did throughout the relationship that contributed and I know that. Something you have to do is acknowledge your own faults, that is a must! Take this as motivation and show her you can be a better you. Join a gym, go clothes shopping and plan ahead, spend a lot of time with friends, travel. Be mysterious and show people you have ambition and drive. Don't worry about announcing it hoping to get her attention, word will get around without you having to do anything. I feel your frustrations and believe me I am still not out of the woods. But you must continue with NC and rebuild your life. It is pretty much the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I understand you exactly. I still feel tethered to my ex in that a lot of my emotional effort is still a reaction to the things he did. After 7 months NC, I think really? I'm still struggling some days? NC has helped tremendously, but I have to be patient. I think we all do. We can't expect to undo years of a relationship so quickly. I do think working with her is putting you back, but I understand not wanting to leave your job. It seems unfair. When I found out my ex was coming back, the overwhelming feeling was anger. I love my job and my co workers, so it seems unfair that he has to taks that too. One good thing with me is that our contact will be minimal, but it seems like you have more contact than me. I'm also worried that she seems to have boundary issues by emailing you after you told her not to last week. That's not right on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 This is an example of why it never pays to get involved with someone you work with, ever. It took me getting burned too many times to realize that it's just not worth it. NC is never possible if you have to see your ex at work every day. Way too awkward and painful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Worse part is that we were together before she even starting working here....I got her the job.... What can I say? I believed in us Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 So, after thirty days NC, my ex emailed me to ask if I was ok. I didn't respond for about three days. I was out of the country on vacation. It was also my moms birthday and she sent her a few texts on that day telling her she loved her. I just responded that I was fine and to take care of herself. That was two days ago. I haven't heard from her since. I didn't really think I would, but I find myself constantly checking my email I know I should not have responded and I have fallen off too many times. I am disappointed in myself. It makes me sad again. ? I won't talk to her anymore. But I hurt more than I should because I did and it is my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant Surprise Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Ugh I feel you on this. So far my record for NC is one day (check social media, we haven't spoken in about a month and a half). My ex called me on FaceTime and I have been fighting the urge to text her asking her what's up for a week now. I know I'm gonna break. The only thing you can do is forgive yourself and try to move on. Keep on truckin'... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Please don't break, I swear it is my worth it. I feel so much worse, and we have been broken up for two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Also, if she didn't leave a message then you really have no grounds to contact her. If she wanted anything at all, she would have left a message, called back, or texted you. Did she? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I thought you told her that you needed NC because you needed to heal? Didn't you send her that message requesting her to respect NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 11th of July you told her you need strict NC. How is that 30 days NC anyway? What about NC does she not understand? And what about NC do you not understand? How can she take your needs seriously when you don't seem to care to prioritize what you need to be doing for yourself? Are you okay? F No I am not okay. She knows this. It's incredibly selfish for someone to keep busting boundaries this way and for you to keep enabling your own self-destruction is just utter insanity. When are you going to say, "Ouch, I've had enough?" When? Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Thirty days?! That's amazing. Longest I was able to go was 3 weeks. Look, it's alright. If you ask me, people get a little too gung ho with that whole NC rule anyway. Yes, it's what we should do to heal but the reality is, it's a lot easier said than done. Everyone at some point has caved. So don't be too hard on yourself. You're sad now but you'll feel better as each hour passes. She's probably upset that you were so short in your response. If I reached out and that was all I got in return I'd be thrown off too and take it as "O K...he obviously is just being polite but doesn't really want to talk to me." Feel better champ. There are better times ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 She's probably upset that you were so short in your response. If I reached out and that was all I got in return I'd be thrown off too and take it as "O K...he obviously is just being polite but doesn't really want to talk to me. She has no right to be upset. ??? He informed her a few weeks ago to respect his need to NC because he has to move on and heal from this. Screw the dumpers feelings because when she decided to end and date someone else, she lost all right and entitlement to appropriate responses from the dumpee. And when a dumpee tells you he/she needs, NC, the kind and caring thing to do would be to respect that boundary. Her feelings are of zero priority or concern, expecially when the OP has been struggling with this for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 She has no right to be upset. ??? He informed her a few weeks ago to respect his need to NC because he has to move on and heal from this. Screw the dumpers feelings because when she decided to end and date someone else, she lost all right and entitlement to appropriate responses from the dumpee. And when a dumpee tells you he/she needs, NC, the kind and caring thing to do would be to respect that boundary. Her feelings are of zero priority or concern, expecially when the OP has been struggling with this for so long. Ya, this is true and this I know but unfortunately we can't chastise the dumper about overstepping her boundries. OP is feeling down because he responded to her and is now venting on how it made him feel. Me saying she probably feels this way or that way isn't to defend her...He says he's constantly checking his email now, that it's been 2 days since he emailed her back...well, that to me says he's wondering why she hasn't responded yet or if she's going to, so I just provided a possibilty as to why she hasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Ya, this is true and this I know but unfortunately we can't chastise the dumper about overstepping her boundries. OP is feeling down because he responded to her and is now venting on how it made him feel. Me saying she probably feels this way or that way isn't to defend her...He says he's constantly checking his email now, that it's been 2 days since he emailed her back...well, that to me says he's wondering why she hasn't responded yet or if she's going to, so I just provided a possibilty as to why she hasn't. Yes, there is no way to chastize the dumper for breaking that boundary but the message is a clear indication that the dumpee's need and request isn't of priority to her. That alone is telling for OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Well, it has been thirty days since I had contacted her besides telling her I needed space. She contacted be because she says she had a bad dream that I was in an accident. Also, we work together and I hadn't been at work for a week so she was probably just concerned. I don think she realizes at all that I am still hurt by the breakup. It's been a long time since she has seen that side of me. Why did she really reach out? I will never know. And I recognize the fact that it doesn't even matter. I don't try to figure out the whys anymore. It still just hurts. Contact or not, my heart still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Well, it has been thirty days since I had contacted her besides telling her I needed space. She contacted be because she says she had a bad dream that I was in an accident. Also, we work together and I hadn't been at work for a week so she was probably just concerned. I don think she realizes at all that I am still hurt by the breakup. It's been a long time since she has seen that side of me. Why did she really reach out? I will never know. And I recognize the fact that it doesn't even matter. I don't try to figure out the whys anymore. It still just hurts. Contact or not, my heart still hurts. I'm sure people at work knew you were on vacation. I'm sure if she really wanted to know, she could have asked a colleague close to you. What happens when she has a bad dream about you once a week? Keep poking and prodding? Her worry is her problem. It has nothing to do with you. When she ended with you and chose someone else, she gave up any right to know anything about your life. You need to implement the boundary and stick to it, regardless of her "worrying" because everytime you trump your own boundary, you send her a message that NC isn't that crucial to you. I understand it hurts but that doesn't mean you keep standing in the firing line beckoning to get shot down. Yes, it hurts but stop adding to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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