4 months later, who am I?

[ElecTriX]

It's been 4 months now since my ex-gf of 4 years (engaged, house, child) broke up with me and jumped into a relationship with an old "flame".

 

I have accepted that she is gone from my life, that we're not a family anymore and that she seems happy with someone else.

 

But I feel like I'm in a hole or something.. I can't get up no matter how hard I try. I can't remember who I was before the breakup and I don't know who I am right now. I feel.. blank or something. Hard to explain. Empty is one word that fits. Empty and blank.. When I remember things from the past, like when we were playing in the garden together, playing cards, kissing.. It feels like it was a dream and that it never really happend.

 

I know it hasn't been so long since the breakup and I don't cry as much any more.. Sometimes. But it wears of pretty quick.

 

Sorry for starting this thread.. I think I just needed to write it out or something.

[learning_slowly]

4 years to disappear into 4 months would be hard. Lots of people have been there. I still get a day where I wake up and the world looks like a placè of gloom.

 

Try to recognise what you have got: hopefully there are some good things.

 

Also, I probably say this too many times, exercise. It will send chemicals into your brain which will stop the constant dreariness.

 

Sometimes life is tough, but we wouldn't appreciate the good times as much otherwise.

 

If it starts affecting other areas of your life, then it maybe worth seeing a doctor as a last resort.

 

And if you have faith, then spending more time in that community could help.

 

Good luck and rant as much as. You like if it makes you feel better.

 

P.s. You are somebody who can still have a great life .

[smileforelena]

I get you when you said it is hard to explain. Its been 8 months for me and it was a 1 yr relationship but I was in too deep than I thought so the BU devastated me. When we invest all of us into someone/something and then it ends..it feels like we lost ourselves. Not just part of us but all of us. It felt that way for me for a good few months.

 

I felt so connected to the person and to what we had and I had huge hopes for the relationship. He became my world. So when it ended I did not know what to do with myself. What to do with my time, who to talk to, who to connect to. Like you, a few months ago the future was like a scientific name of some very rare specie that I could care less about. I was afraid of it. I just allowed my pain and misery take over my life. I lost myself. I was hollow. I knew that when people looked at me they can see through my emptiness and that made it so much painful because the ex was cheerily showing everyone his new gf and how his life was so peachy. And seeing me struggling to breathe I think boosted his ego to a whole new level.

 

Back then I couldnt even see 2 days in to the future but look its been 8 months going on 9 and Im still standing. Its been a very slow process (and its mostly because of my relapses) but I can say that I am getting somewhere. I still feel pain and I still think about the past and could have beens but Im finding the strength to fight those thoughts from my head. Sometimes I win sometimes the thoughts win but the fact that I wake up everyday with a little more power than the day before is good enough motivation to keep going.

 

Patience is not my strength at all so this very slow process frustrates me often but when I think about the little bit of healing I tell myself I am getting somewhere its good enough.

[StringsAttached]

You're having an identity crisis. I assume you were together for a while? Well once you're in a long-term relationship with another you form a bond.

 

Her triumphs, issues, successes, failures and even some of her personality traits have rubbed off on you. I read an interesting article a while back. Basically what this article stated was researches found that couples who have been together for longer periods of time tend to look alike. Their faces literally morph over time so that it resembles that of their partners.

 

You need time trust me. Time and a new hobby. It could be anything it could even be a video game but it must be something that you are completely 100% focused on and immersed in. Over time your obsession for her will be replaced with your obsession with your new hobby, then once you're over her you can replace that hobby with another woman/dating.

 

Hang in there, it gets better.

[Itspointless]

I have accepted that she is gone from my life, that we're not a family anymore and that she seems happy with someone else.

 

But I feel like I'm in a hole or something.. I can't get up no matter how hard I try. I can't remember who I was before the breakup and I don't know who I am right now. I feel.. blank or something. Hard to explain. Empty is one word that fits. Empty and blank..

Sometimes when we really are shaken up our subconscious gives a sign that enough is enough as a system breakdown is not the preferred option. So you mind build up walls to protect you against the flood of emotions. If you feel to empty to be true than very likely this is what has happened to you. You are now used to the cognitive image of the new situation, but it need not be that you felt the grief in full and still have to work through a lot of pain and perhaps anger. I felt the way you describe for a couple of years when I was 19 when my mother had died after having a a severe illness for some years.

 

Also often we do not realize how great a part others play in forming our identity. We humans are not ending with the edge of our skin. When someone as important as your partner breaks away that literally leaves you in a crisis as you have not only lost support (emotional, psychological, physical), you also feel psycho-biological consequences, next to that you lost someone who prescribed you a certain role which gave a certain sense that you have integrated in the story you told yourself about yourself. This story contained also your goals and dreams, next to that your surroundings have changed in other words your life-system has also changed , etc, etc. It takes time to get used to these things - mentally and physically - and to redefine yourself.

 

Both things I described can leave you confused and empty. It could perhaps be a good thing for you to seek therapy.