How do i free myself from this vicious cycle and get my power back?

[The_World]

Its been 5 months since i went NC, had the occasional unintended run-ins where we just had a brief and awkward conversation and that was it. However, i'm still stuck and i can't seem to let go. The pain doesn't hurt as bad anymore, its no longer the overwhelming anxiety and distress that i first felt back then.

 

Long story short it was my first relationship, and although we were in love, i was very new to relationships and coming from a dysfunctional family, i handled it pretty badly. I know my past is not to blame but i honestly did not know what i did not know. She dumped me and apparently told a mutual friend that i wasn't ready for a relationship yet as i was still acting immature.

 

I tried my best to change, to read up on relationship advice, listening to various life coaches etc. I discovered a ton of knowledge that i guess comes second nature to well adjusted people but for guys like me, it was the first time i had access to this information.

 

For the next year, she kept me around, continued to sleep with me and go on dates with me but whenever i tried to bring up being a couple again, she'd say there was no chance of us being together although she felt very strongly towards me. During this time, she went on dates with other numerous guys, got involved with another guy who broke her heart, all the while i was being a doormat and comforting her. Sleeping with her, bringing her on dates, making her smile etc. I was still jealous and insecure but a lot less.

 

She left me 6 months ago for another guy out of the blue, told me she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. She continues to call and cry to me about how she is confused about her decision. I cut contact with her.

 

I doubt we'd ever be together again but here's my problem. I can't let go of the anger and resentment that built up. Both towards how she handled the situation and how i handled it. I hate myself for being unable to be a well adjusted person who would shrug it off, instead i'm a ball of insecurity and constantly having fits of jealousy and begged her not to leave me.

 

I hate that she could so casually keep me around and string me around without feeling any guilt. All the other aspects of my life became worse because i was so fixated on her. She never apologized, all she did was cry saying she was confused.

 

I'm a guy who likes to see the logic in situations. I cannot move on because realistically i cannot see how i can ever forgive someone who did this to me. Sure i had my faults, but i tried my very best to hold this relationship together and she could just string me along and end it whenever she wanted. I have a lot of hate towards her and i hate her even more that she could disregard my feelings like this.

 

I know nobody owes anyone else anything. My ex does not owe me an explanation, but i hate it that people can be so callous. I hate it that she is always benefiting at the expanse of my happiness. I hate myself that i cannot simply let go and move on. Life seems meaningless and i constantly find new ways to distract myself from the pain. I go to the gym, i try to focus on rebuilding my life; but everything feels meaningless. Whenever i have time alone, i instantly start entering into this negative thought pattern again.

 

As for her new guy. I hate him too. He is 4 years older than me and i considered him someone i respected and looked up to. During the rocky periods of our relationship, i shared my sadness with him. Although we were already broken up and he has not broken any "social codes", i feel a great sense of betrayal and have an overwhelming urge to destroy his life like he did mine. My ex has told me that this new guy asked her why did she even date a loser like me. She told me that she would still date me even if she could turn back time. I'm not sure why she had to tell me this. To make me feel more like a loser than i already am feeling?

 

I feel like an impotent loser who has lost all his power and is desperately clawing at thin air. I don't know how to deal with this other than rage and despair. I'm trying my best to follow the mature advice, keeping to no NC, distracting myself with hobbies, rebuilding my life, forgiving my ex etc. But it all makes no sense to me whatsoever. Maybe i really am a loser and she really is better off without me.

[smileforelena]

hi world

 

hang in there. many of us can relate to you so you are not alone in this. the circumstance you are in is not unique to you so try to find it in yourself to just keep on doing whatever is keeping you busy even if its just physically. this is just for now. everything has its time and season. this season will pass. believe in that. even when it seems like your life has no direction or the things you do feels meaningless...they are not. its just that we see it that way right now because we are looking at our lives through eyes that still carries all the emotions of what we lost.

[Jiivy]

She carried you along for far longer than was fair. You've been a fool for staying attached and she's been just as bad for stringing you through it.

 

It's easy for me to pass judgement sat on my high horse here - don't worry, I've paid my dues and been abandoned too.

 

I don't believe she was so much better than perhaps you believe, given her behaviour. I can promise you that with space, you will gain clarity. I'd read TaraMaiden's NC guide and meditate on what her core message is. The irony is that only way couple will have a lasting reconciliation, on the off chance that they do...is because they lost each other first.

[No Limit]

NC. Time. And in whatever ways she might have given you the info you know, cut that off too. There's nothing to speed things up.

 

The hate and resentment is quite natural actually, but it won't fade if you keep adding oil to the fire. And she's doing it too if you let her -> NC.

[The_World]

Thank you all for the replies. Yeah i agree, i've been a fool. I was so insecure that i let her get away with stuff time and time again that i knew wasn't right. It just sucks to know that there is no "karma". People do get away with becoming happier at other people's expanse and she didn't set out to hurt me. She simply had zero regard towards how i felt. Reality is cold and harsh. I do hope i can snap out of it and start to rebuild my life again soon.