Smurf03 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I am interested in hearing about experiences with sending a final message of closure to an ex. Have you done it? Has it helped you move on? Closure message being along the lines of; I can't be friends with you so please stop talking to me unless you want me back. Wish you all the best etc etc. No expectations of a reply whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyn77 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I'm glad you asked this question..I've been searching for an answer on this topic myself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I'm glad you asked this question..I've been searching for an answer on this topic myself... If it helps, one of my close friends said meeting up with his ex 2 weeks later was good for him and gave him closure. (His gf of 4 years broke up with him). And he's saying this 3 years after the BU! But yea, I'd still like more opinions Link to post Share on other sites
elseaacych Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 What happens if you get a reply that says: "I don't want you back, not ever?" That is a risk you run by sending that message. I guarantee it will make you feel like sh-t. Do not run that risk. If the person wants you back, they will try to come back in no uncertain terms. They will not mess with your emotions. They will not send breadcrumbs. Silence, from them, speaks volumes. Silence from you... may make them curious, but it is by no means a guaranteed reaction. However, by staying silent and killing all lines of communication, you reduce the risk of them sending a message that can hurt you. You can only get closure from you accepting the end of the relationship, under any circumstances. It doesn't matter if they did something, you did something, how they felt, why they left. All that is left is you. And you can choose to accept the relationship's end, or you can go back and grasp at straws to find a reason. Those reasons will only bring more questions and the potential for more hurt. You do not want to hurt, so just take it for what it is. Do not do it. Stay No Contact for your health. It's hard, but you can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lyn77 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 "Silence from you... may make them curious, but it is by no means a guaranteed reaction. However, by staying silent and killing all lines of communication, you reduce the risk of them sending a message that can hurt you." I like this thought. This is difficult for me, since I always feel like I "need to get my last word in" I do think closure is necessary for most relationships that end. The best feeling in the world though, is when you reach that plateau of freedom; the pain has ended, you are finally free to move on. This is a feeling you can only achieve within yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 What happens if you get a reply that says: "I don't want you back, not ever?" That is a risk you run by sending that message. I guarantee it will make you feel like sh-t. Do not run that risk. If the person wants you back, they will try to come back in no uncertain terms. They will not mess with your emotions. They will not send breadcrumbs. Silence, from them, speaks volumes. Silence from you... may make them curious, but it is by no means a guaranteed reaction. However, by staying silent and killing all lines of communication, you reduce the risk of them sending a message that can hurt you. You can only get closure from you accepting the end of the relationship, under any circumstances. It doesn't matter if they did something, you did something, how they felt, why they left. All that is left is you. And you can choose to accept the relationship's end, or you can go back and grasp at straws to find a reason. Those reasons will only bring more questions and the potential for more hurt. You do not want to hurt, so just take it for what it is. Do not do it. Stay No Contact for your health. It's hard, but you can do it. Well, he's said multiple times 'maybe we can be together in the future' so if he did hit back with 'I'll never want you back', then I would NOT reply and most likely not believe him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
petall Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Do not look to the ex for closure. Process it yourself. Why should you ingratiate yourself further to him/her by asking for it? Preserve your dignity (or rescue it if you have already lost some). Take his/her rejection of you as all the closure you need. What can the other party possibly say to make things easier? Nothing (and in fact the risk is there you could come off feeling even sh 1 ttier). Your closure is their deciding to end things, to leave, to not want to work things more. That is all the answer you need to close the door to your story with them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Do not look to the ex for closure. Process it yourself. Why should you ingratiate yourself further to him/her by asking for it? Preserve your dignity (or rescue it if you have already lost some). Take his/her rejection of you as all the closure you need. What can the other party possibly say to make things easier? Nothing (and in fact the risk is there you could come off feeling even sh 1 ttier). Your closure is their deciding to end things, to leave, to not want to work things more. That is all the answer you need to close the door to your story with them. I totally agree to this. And I just recently realized this. The closure cannot come from the person who left. They did the closing. You have to make that decision that you accept the rejection. I have proven it. We tried to do that because he figured that it would help me (since he left me for another woman) and at the same time wash his hands of how he dumped me. It never worked. Not because we were not willing. I was in a much bigger pain then but I respected his decision and didnt go after him. But the closure never worked even up to now after 5 months of trying. We talk, we argue and we end up either angry or in bed with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Read this thread, especially her last message on the second page: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/472057-reached-out-my-ex-after-many-months Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Read this thread, especially her last message on the second page: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/472057-reached-out-my-ex-after-many-months This has actually made me more likely to send it. I really feel I might need this. The last time we spoke he was telling me he hated being single and felt sad. Leaving me confused. We never really set boundaries for further contact because he was so upset, could barely speak and had to leave. so I think I need to get this off my chest. If pain is the result, I feel it may be necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 This has actually made me more likely to send it. I really feel I might need this. The last time we spoke he was telling me he hated being single and felt sad. Leaving me confused. We never really set boundaries for further contact because he was so upset, could barely speak and had to leave. so I think I need to get this off my chest. If pain is the result, I feel it may be necessary. I don't know your story, but you might consider that this poster had been broken up with her ex already for a long time! I think I will quote here InnocentMan his remark for the second time this week. He has it as I believe right, especially the part of the sentence I made bold. The secret of breaking no contact, is to have full control of your emotions, and be clear in your mind about why you wish to speak to them. Be prepared for the worst, and accept it before it happens, and you will get through it with your dignity still intact. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I agree, this is maybe me hoping something's alive that isn't, but if you do ask now, you should get a definitive answer. If it's bad, you can have a good cry and move on. If it's not bad then you should probably buy a lottery ticket Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 It's a bad idea because "closure" messages are just a lame excuse to try to get the ex to reconsider. Whether you want to admit it or not, the hidden agenda behind that message is to get your ex to say "oh wait, I really do love you, come back!". Closure comes from within and you shouldn't depend on another person to set you free. That's part of the unattractive behavior which factored in to the end of your relationship in the first place. It's time to do you for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I don't suggest closure meet ups or messages. A few weeks later, you end up wanting to say one more thing or ask one more question. I made much more progress when I started focusing on myself and why I stayed in the relationship. I started making decisions based on what was best for me and not what he might think. If you send a closure message, you are much more concerned with the other person than you should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 So I sent the closure message. The response was: 'You are so beautiful ' Breadcrumbs suck. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 So I sent the closure message. The response was: 'You are so beautiful ' Breadcrumbs suck. I have the feeling that you did not sent a closure message and were far to early in the process - to emotionally invested - to sent one. After your first reaction I already got the feeling that I should have read this thread better before posting my reaction. My mistake. The time is right when you do not care about the reaction or just see it as a needed confirmation for what you already knew. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Closure does not exist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smurf03 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 I have the feeling that you did not sent a closure message and were far to early in the process - to emotionally invested - to sent one. After your first reaction I already got the feeling that I should have read this thread better before posting my reaction. My mistake. The time is right when you do not care about the reaction or just see it as a needed confirmation for what you already knew. It's okay, I don't regret it. I don't regret anything I've done post BU. Yes I've made it harder for myself, which is sad. But oh well. Onwards and upwards from now on hopefully 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Onwards and upwards from now on hopefully whatever happens during this process don't let go of this statement. Especially when you are on your lowest... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 I am interested in hearing about experiences with sending a final message of closure to an ex. Have you done it? Has it helped you move on? Closure message being along the lines of; I can't be friends with you so please stop talking to me unless you want me back. Wish you all the best etc etc. No expectations of a reply whatsoever. Have you read the No Contact Guide and the bit about 'Closure'? How it's a total fallacy? How nobody can give you closure but you? How your Dumper will either avoid you and not respond, or will give it to you straight and hurt you again, in the process, or will more likely tell you whatever they think you may want to hear in order to get you to quit asking, and just get you to move on? How in fact everything they might give you, will just leave you in a fug and asking yet more questions? That bit? No? Read it. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Closure does not exist. Exactly. More than likely, your relationship becomes part of your past experiences, and it simply doesn't hurt so much anymore. It becomes more bearable to accept the reality over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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